Unforgettable
by Namls
Summary: Tragedy befalls the Fellowship, and after ten years when the wounds seem to have healed something happens to rip them up again. Centered around the friendship of Merry and Pippin.
1. Embarking

**Ithilien, May of 1425**

Pippin took a deep breath and filled his lungs with the fresh air of Ithilien. It was thick with the smell of flowers, many of which did not grow in the Shire. Pippin loved the month of May, the flowers in bloom, the warmth in the air, the promise of a whole long summer ahead. It was his favourite month of all.

As he walked through the garden he could hear voices speaking. They were too far away for him to be able to hear what they were saying, but his keen Hobbit ears had no problem identifying the voices. They belonged to Merry, his best friend, and Éowyn, the lady Merry served. Presumably they were out for a walk in the garden while discussing affairs, both of them liked it better outdoors than indoors.

Pippin continued his walk through the gardens, enjoying the scenery around him. He had never imagined there could be a place as green and rich of plants as the Shire, but he had been found wrong on his long journey. Ithilien was filled with the loveliest plantlife Pippin had ever seen and he had to admit there was not a garden in the Shire, not even one of Sam's, which could measure up with the castile garden of Ithilien.

He strolled through the paths of the garden for quite some time, enjoying his morning off from duty. He whistled a cheerful melody as he walked and felt like singing and dancing for joy. It was just something about the month of May which made him so full of energy and merriment. His mother always said Pippin became a foal jumping with energy this time of year, and the simile was a pretty accurate description.

As he had followed one of the paths almost all the way to its end he stopped and listened for a noise. He could hear footsteps approaching, the steps of someone taking a shortcut through the plants. He knew those footsteps well and knew that it was Merry before his cousin even stepped into sight. Merry however seemed to be in his own world and nearly collided with Pippin before he noticed him.

"Oh, sorry Pip!" he said and smiled apologetically. "I didn't see you there."

"Hard to see anything when you're walking through the bushes" Pippin remarked. "What are you doing taking these shortcuts through the garden, aren't you supposed to be with the lady this morning?"

"I just parted with her; we took a walk through the gardens while we talked."

"Doesn't your Friday repertoire go on until luncheon?"

"We took an early one. Pippin it's nearly 11:30."

Pippin's eyes went wide.

"Oh no! I'm supposed to be in service of Lord Faramir during the meal! I'm going to be late!"

He hurried back the same way he had arrived, but after a few paces he stopped and turned. He gave his best friend a questioning look.

"Merry are you feeling alright?"

"Why would you ask?"

"I don't know, there's just something…"

"There's nothing wrong with me, hurry or you'll be even more late!"

Pippin took a few more steps, then turned around again.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure."

"Well if you need me… you know where to find me. You know you can just come and get me."

"I promise I will" Merry said. "You're not my best friend for nothing. I love you, you know that. Take care of yourself Pip; I'll see you later on!"

Pippin nodded and ran off to get to the dining hall in time. Merry watched after him until his cousin could neither be seen nor heard anymore, then he slowly followed the path Pippin had been walking until it came to its end. It led to an opening in the garden gate and he stepped out on the street outside, following it to a hilltop he knew not far from there. He sat down on it and overlooked the surroundings. It was beautiful, especially in this bright shining sun. It was his cousin's favourite time of the year; normally Merry would agree it was quite a special time. But not today. Today he did not feel like things were beautiful or that life was a wonderful gift. Most people would not be able to tell he was not cheerful, but he could never fool Pippin.

He sat on the hilltop a while but felt restless. He needed to clear his thoughts, but he would never be able to do so here, there was too much serenity surrounding him. He got up and walked to the nearest stable where he asked to borrow a horse, preferably a small one. The stableman gave him a suspicious look but the Hobbits were known in Ithilien and when Master Holdwine commanded something it had to be done.

Merry was given a small brown horse, a bit too big for him but he decided it would have to do. His only other option was to go back through the gardens to the castile and get his own Hobbit pony, and that animal was a bit too small for him. He led the pony out onto the street and mounted.

He knew he did not want to stay amongst people, he wanted to get away, so he steered the horse through the streets and urged it on to a gallop once they reached open land. The fast pace of the horse made him feel like he could fly away and leave all his troubles behind, and the rhythmic thumping of the hooves had a calming effect on him. He drove the animal on and let his mind wander, confident in his own ability to control the beast.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he did not pick up the scent until it had gotten far too strong for his liking. He wrinkled his nose. He had never expected to smell this again. He shortened his reins and the horse slowed down, trotting nervously as it too had picked up the smell.

Merry gulped and felt his heart beating a mile a minute when creatures emerged from all around him. Where had they come from? He glanced at the river nearby and decided to head for it; if only he got into the water he could let the stream carry him further away from them. But he had to act quickly, they were coming closer.

Orcs.

**XX  
XX**

Éowyn looked out the window at the sun which had begun to near the west. Down in the kitchens preparations were being made for dinner to be served which had awakened her awareness to something. She let the light curtain fall back over the window and looked down the hall as she heard small foots approaching. One of the Hobbits.

It turned out to be Pippin, on a break from his duties and in a hurry to find his other ceremonial outfit in time for dinner. He managed a bow to her on the move as he passed. Éowyn turned in the direction he was heading and stopped him with her voice.

"Master Peregrin, where is Master Holdwine?"

Pippin took the time to stop and turn to talk to her.

"With you" he pointed out. "He accompanies you to dinner on Fridays."

"If he were with me I wouldn't need to ask. I have not seen him since this morning; I was hoping you could tell me where to find him."

"I'm sorry milady" Pippin said. "But I have been on duty all afternoon and didn't expect to see him. He will turn up momentarily, when has Holdwine ever been late?"

"He was late half an hour ago" Éowyn said. "Now he is missing."

"Missing?" Pippin walked up to her. "Surely you are exaggerating. Perhaps he ran into difficulties and got delayed. Trust me Lady Éowyn, if he is not here on time he has reason for it."

"So you're not worried?"

"Absolutely not. Milady, if there was some harm to him I would know. Perhaps he went riding and his horse went lame? Or he got stung by a bee in the gardens and went to the medics? Or perhaps he is out on the streets and stuck in a crowd."

"You're right" Éowyn said. "Foolish of me to wonder. I just never thought I'd see the day a Halfling arrived late for a meal."

"I shall see you both at dinner" Pippin said reassuringly. "But now I really must run along. Milady…"

He hurried off down the hall and went to the chambers he shared with Merry. There he quickly changed out of his more casual daytime clothes and into the ones he wore when he served Lord Faramir at dinner and supper.

While folding his other clothes he cast a glance at Merry's bed and noticed that his ceremonial clothes were not laid out on the bed. So Merry had returned and changed his clothes, that meant he was on his way to Éowyn right this minute. But Pippin couldn't resist the urge to open his friend's closet and see for himself that Merry's daytime outfit hung there as it should.

But when he opened the closet he found the evening clothes. Pippin slammed the closet doors shut. Merry should have been by around four to lay out his evening clothes, obviously his friend had not been in the room for many hours. A glance at the clock on the wall told Pippin he would be late again but nonetheless he went down to the stables instead of to his Lord's chambers.

He asked the stableman if Master Holdwine had been by to fetch his pony, but was told that he hadn't. In fact none of the riding animals had been used at all this day, they were all out in the pastures. Pippin went over to the pastures to see if Merry's sturdy Hobbit pony was there or if he had been taken out for a bareback ride. But both ponies were in the pastures, Merry had not been there to ride.

Pippin could still not shake the feeling that something was wrong. He walked towards the gardens and asked one of the soldiers he met if he had seen Master Holdwine. The soldier told him he had seen him in the gardens, but that was before luncheon. Pippin decided to look through the gardens anyway.

The castile garden of Ithilien was large and would take well over two hours to search for one Hobbit alone. Walking around calling Merry's name would only scare people for no reason. Merry was not missing; he was simply nowhere to be found at the moment. He would show up eventually. Instead of shouting his cousin's name Pippin whistled a tune as loud as he could. He only whistled half the tune, hoping to hear Merry whistle the rest of it back. But no response came.

By now Pippin was supposed to be in the dining hall with Lord Faramir but if he was late as he was then he might as well be a little more late. He ran out through an opening in the garden wall and hurried down the streets of the city. He stopped in a town square and asked the nearest bystander if he had seen the other Hobbit.

"Not for many hours" the man said.

"Where did you see him?"

"On the other end of town. Heading for Marrow Stableman's stables."

"Did he ride out?"

"If I knew that I would have told you he rode out, Master Perian."

Pippin thanked him for the information and ran as fast as he could through the streets. He didn't know why, but it felt important that he found Merry right away. Not knowing where his cousin was gave him a sense of uncertainty which he was far from familiar with.

He found the stable the man had directed him to and also Marrow, the stable owner. A quick glance around the stables told Pippin there weren't any ponies there, but perhaps the man had some idea where Merry had gone to.

"Excuse me good sir" he said. "I am looking for my friend. Have you seen him?"

"Indeed I have" Marrow said. "I lent a horse to… Master Perian earlier today. Still expecting him to return it."

Pippin rolled his eyes. _Master_ _Perian_ usually meant that the person had no idea which Hobbit he was talking to.

"Did you see which way he was heading?"

"No, but I think he was going out for a long ride."

"What makes you say that?"

"It's been over three hours since he left and I'm still waiting for the horse to return."

"Okay. Thank you."

Pippin went back to the castile the fastest way he knew. He ran into the dining hall where dinner was about halfway through. He walked as fast as he could down the hall while still keeping the composed and worthy appearance which was required by him. He reached Faramir's table and got into his position by the steward's chair.

"Master Peregrin, how kind of you to join us" Faramir said.

"My apologies, Lord Faramir" Pippin said. "But my lord--"

"Quiet now" Faramir said. "Do not show up late and then begin to make excuses. Silence while I'm eating."

Pippin shifted his weight from one foot to the other, unsure of what to do. Faramir's voice was calm and composed as always, it sometimes made Pippin uncomfortable that the steward's voice never betrayed whether he was upset or not. But a glance over at the Lady Éowyn told him Merry had not ridden directly to the castile stable and rushed to his duties, there was no Hobbit standing behind the White Lady's chair. Pippin decided it was worth troubling the steward.

"My Lord Faramir, I am concerned for my companion. Master Holdwine went riding at mid-day and has not yet returned."

Faramir glanced over at his wife. No Hobbit served her this evening. He had not given it much thought when neither Hobbit had been present, but now that Pippin was back he was struck with how unordinary it was. Pippin could sometimes arrive late, although tonight he had set himself a new record, but Merry was always on time. He leaned back in his chair to talk to his servant more easily and sipped some wine.

"Alright" he said. "You have my attention. Where do you suppose Master Holdwine is?"

"I don't know. But it worries me, to be honest. It is not like him to stay away for so long, especially without packing something to eat! I'm worried he might have fallen and hurt himself, or that something happened to the horse and he is forced to walk back."

"One thing at a time" Faramir said. He waved his left hand and a soldier appeared. "Search through the castile, the gardens and the city. When you find Master Holdwine have him sent to me. Right away."

"Yes my lord" the soldier said.

"Before we assume that he has gotten into some trouble we should make sure that he is missing in the first place" Faramir said to Pippin.

Pippin kept in a sigh. Merry was not in the area, if he was he would be in this very room. He glanced over at the spot where his cousin was supposed to be standing right now but had to look away. Éowyn looked up from her meal and noticed that one of the Hobbits had arrived. She turned her head to see if Merry had arrived without making any sounds to disturb her but there was no Halfling standing behind her.

**XX  
XX**

"We only have an hour or so of light!" Faramir said to his soldiers as he hurried down the corridor. "Spread out and search! Find out which way the Halfling took, then follow in his tracks! **Find him**! I want him here by sundown!"

Pippin swallowed hard as he hurried by his lord's side. He had to run to keep up with him, Faramir was in a hurry. The soldiers went off in their different directions but Pippin stayed by Faramir's side. He had been ordered not to join the search, in case Merry came back. By now they knew for sure that he had never returned from his ride, and people were beginning to worry.

"Don't you worry" Faramir said in a reassuring voice and stopped to let Pippin catch his breath. He placed a hand on the Hobbit's shoulder. "We'll find him."

Pippin nodded. Of course they would find him; there was not a doubt in his mind. He only wished they would find him sooner rather than later.

"I just miss him, that's all" he said to the man. "I'm not worried; I just want him by my side. We haven't been together in a few hours and well…"

"Well what?"

"He seemed distraught when I last saw him. And he talked funny."

"How do you mean?" Faramir asked and kneeled to get in level with his companion.

"He said that I'm his best friend and that he loves me, just out of the blue. Not that it was any news to me but it was an odd conversation to just throw it in. I think he went riding to clear his head of something."

"Whatever it was he ought to have cleared it by now" Faramir said and rose again. "Come Master Peregrin. Keep me company while we wait for news."

**XX  
XX**

The soldiers returned when the sun set and Ithilien went dark. They did not have Merry with them. Faramir ordered them to go down to every house and ask around for anyone who might have seen the Hobbit, and to have guards posted at every door should he return. Pippin paced back and forth in Faramir's throne room, unable to sit down and take it easy while his cousin was still not home. There was no sight of Éowyn; Faramir and Pippin were alone. Faramir watched the Halfling pace for a while before he spoke.

"Merry knows how to take care of himself out in the night" he reminded Pippin. "He is not lost, he will return tomorrow. I am sure of it."

"I haven't spent a night without him near for five years" Pippin said. "I'm sorry; I just can't relax and go to bed when he is out there somewhere. Even if he is fine."

"You're not doing him much good pacing a hole in my floor."

"Faramir where **is** he? Why would he be gone for so long?"

"All I can tell you young Master is that when he returns you need to be in a good shape to greet him. Go to your chambers and get some sleep, you will be of much more use when you are rested. That is an order, Peregrin my friend."

With a sigh Faramir watched his favourite esquire retread to his lonesome chambers. He knew he was not much use either without a good night's sleep, but he couldn't bring himself to retreat. He stayed on his hard throne, wondering where his wife's esquire might have gone to. In the back of his mind he was sure that Merry had ridden for a few hours and then his horse had gotten injured, perhaps stepped on a sharp rock, and now it took him a while to get back. And Merry would know that he would be unable to make it back before dark, so he would find himself a good spot to set up camp rather than continue walking. His men had only been out searching for little more than an hour, Merry might still have two hours advantage to them. Sooner or later the Hobbit would return.

**XXX  
XXX  
XXX**

**Closing note**: Well this is the beginning of my new series. The first out of around 30 chapters. Most of them will be around this length, it's not going to be monster length. I hope you will follow me down the line. In this story I am trying things I haven't tried before and I'm working a lot on exploring character feelings and situations. I have also tried to make it like real life in that the same subjects can come up more than once; I hope that doesn't make it repetitive! Most importantly this is my first try at a story that knowingly contradicts Tolkien's appendix which makes me really nervous. But just so that you know, anything that goes against Tolkien is written that way on purpose so don't bother pointing out errors to me.

Anyways, there will be around 30 chapters plus an appendix as time goes by, with stories that didn't really fit in to the rest of it all but that I wanted to jot down anyhow. I hope you will be with me throughout the story. Let me know what you thought of the first chapter!


	2. Lost

**Ithilien, May of 1425**

Faramir woke up with a start. He had fallen asleep on his hard throne but the gentle shaking of a Hobbit hand woke him. He looked at the Halfling with freshly wakened eyes and sat up straight.

Pippin looked up at him with the eyes of a little puppy, and Faramir suddenly felt he knew what his esquire must have looked like as a child. They were both silent for a moment, Faramir waiting for Pippin to speak and Pippin waiting for Faramir to wake up completely.

"Strider is here" he said in a tiny voice.

Faramir nodded.

"It is my duty to inform the king when one of his soldiers do not return when they are supposed to."

That sounded like a lie to Pippin's ears but he preferred to let it pass. He would rather believe Faramir than think Strider had arrived out of personal concern. He had gone to sleep surprisingly fast the night before and woken up at the break of dawn. When he found no Merry in the other bed he got up and got dressed as quickly as possible. While he had hurried down the halls he had spotted the king through the window and thought it best to find the steward. It had scared him to see his old friend arrive; it must be serious if he had taken the time to ride to Ithilien on such short notice.

"I should go greet him" Faramir said and got up. "You stay here."

"He is my king too" Pippin said.

"Yes, but you are better needed here" Faramir said. "Guard the throne room for me, someone might come and look for me, then you must direct them to the courtyard. I will be back shortly."

Pippin nodded slowly and Faramir managed an encouraging smile before he hurried off. His back ached from sleeping on the stone throne but part of him found he enjoyed the pain. It was something tangible right now when everything else was uncertain. It was a good thing the king was here, if he could not find what had happened to the little soldier than nobody could.

**XX  
XX**

Out on the courtyard there was a hustle and a bustle as the soldiers of Ithilien were getting ready to ride out and look for Master Holdwine. The king was amongst them, dressed in his old ranger clothes, and with him was Legolas the Elf. Faramir had only sent word to one of them, but he was glad that the keen eyed Elf had come as well.

"Aragorn!" Faramir said when he reached the king. "I was not expecting your arrival so soon but I'm glad that you are here."

"No doubt will the Hobbit feel horribly ashamed when he realises all the commotion he has caused" Legolas said. "But we can laugh about that when we find him. Aragorn and I are going to track his pony's hoof prints and see where they lead us."

"It won't do you much good following a pony, he rode a horse" Faramir said and held Aragorn's horse while the ranger adjusted his saddle straps.

"A horse?" Aragorn echoed. "Mighty big for a Hobbit."

"He's a tall Hobbit" Faramir said. "But he might have found the animal too strong for him to be able to control it if it decided to bolt."

"We shall track his horse then" Aragorn said and mounted his beast. "Keep your soldiers away for a while, Captain Faramir. I don't want them spoiling the tracks. Which way did he go?"

Faramir pointed.

"Towards the river is my guess. When Master Halfling returns be sure to send him to me, I shall have a few words to say to him."

"Never mind that now" Aragorn said and grabbed his reins. "Let's find him. That's all we have to worry about at the time being. Come along, Legolas!"

Faramir let go of the horse and watched the king ride off, dressed as a ranger, with his keen eyed companion in tow. Pairing up the best tracker with the best eyes would doubtlessly lead them to Merry. Faramir turned to his soldiers and informed them to wait until they heard from the king. At the time Aragorn and Legolas were their best bet.

**XX  
XX**

"Eat something" Faramir said and pushed his own breakfast over to Pippin.

"No thanks" Pippin said, staring into space.

"I insist."

The Hobbit didn't move. He was seated opposite Faramir at a table, keeping him company while he ate his breakfast. But neither of the two had much of an appetite at the moment.

"Master Pippin… Eat. Show me the cheerful spirit of the Hobbits, the one that allows you to shake your troubles off like they were nothing."

"I'm just not very hungry" Pippin said and smiled apologetically. "I want him to be home. I, I can't really eat anything right now. Sorry. I'll be cheerful later, I promise."

Faramir nodded to a servant who came and took the food away. He leaned over the table and got Pippin's attention.

"I don't want you to worry about a thing" he said. "If he is not found by tomorrow then we have reason to be concerned but at the time he has not even been gone long enough to be considered lost. He got delayed on his way home, that is all. You know this."

Pippin nodded obediently. His stomach growled loudly and he managed a smile.

"Perhaps I should have that breakfast after all?"

"That is more like it" Faramir said. "Have some breakfast, then come with me and supervise the stables. Every horse shall be saddled and ready in case the king calls for them."

**XX  
XX**

Aragorn knelt down on the ground and gently followed the outline of the print with his fingers. It was the same prints as they had been following all morning, but the horse had slowed down. There were other prints nearby, and something smelled, something oddly familiar. He was sure Merry had been here, the question was where he had gone from here on. So far they had found no tracks leading back to the city.

"Legolas, can you see anything?" he asked.

"Nothing more than plains and the river" Legolas said. "And tracks all around us. Many tracks."

"Whoever made these tracks must--"

"There's something to the south!" Legolas said. "I can see it, following the river! Come Aragorn!"

Aragorn quickly mounted his horse and followed the Elf down to the river. He kept an eye on the tracks they had been following but soon had to give up at the pace Legolas was going. The Elf was in a hurry, and before long Aragorn too could see the dark shapes on the ground. The smell became more evident the closer they got.

They both leapt of their horses when they came close enough. Two bodies were lying on the ground before them, and a closer look told them that some form of struggle had taken place. From where he was standing now Legolas could see more bodies scattered around the area, hidden beneath the grass.

Aragorn and Legolas knelt down by the two bodies near them and looked at each other with disgust and fear.

"Yrch!" Legolas said.

"But in this age…" Aragorn said. "So near Ithilien… It shouldn't be possible."

"They are not here anymore" Legolas said and rose to look around. "And neither is Merry. There was a fight, I wonder if these two were slain by our Hobbit friend. Whatever happened after that, Merry is gone and we cannot find him on our own. If he was clever he would have gone into the river to escape that way. If he was unlucky the orcs took him. All we know for sure is that they are not here anymore and neither is the Hobbit."

Aragorn shivered as he rose and gave the orcs before him a kick with his boot. He truly hated these creatures and he thought he'd seen the last of them. He had seen more of his share during the war and so had Merry.

"We must return to the city" Legolas said. "The men must be sent out to search. We have to find Merry before it is too late. There is no way we can follow all these scattered tracks alone, Faramir must send out his best trackers to help us. Come, we must be quick. They can have a full day's head start by the time soldiers can be sent out to hunt them down."

**XX  
XX**

Pippin received the news of Merry's encounter with the orcs with much composure. He looked down on his hairy feet and then up at Aragorn. Then he managed a smile.

"Merry's been with them before. He knows how to handle himself."

Aragorn put his hand on Pippin's shoulder and squeezed it hard. Pippin looked away and tried to keep his mind from drifting too far into what dangers could be connected with being the captive of the orcs. Merry had been through it once before, but that time he had not been alone. And this time there was no telling where they were taking him.

"The one thing I don't understand…" he said. "What would they want with him? During the war we were valuable prisoners but they have no use for him now."

"Don't you trouble your mind with that" Aragorn said.

He knew how the orcs liked to treat captives, for them it was great fun whether it was a prisoner of war or not. He remembered his mother-in-law's fate and hoped it had not been Merry's. The last thing that Pippin needed right now was to remember the fate of Elrond's wife; he was frightened enough as it was even though he tried his best not to let it show. The Hobbit's refusal to panic was admirable, Aragorn felt proud of him.

"Legolas and I are going back out to help the search parties" he said to the Hobbit and hoped he sounded encouraging.

"I want to come with you."

"No, Peregrin. I have to know that at least one of you is out of their reach. Stay here and hold the fort together with Faramir."

"He's my cousin, you know" Pippin said. "I have more right than anyone to be out there looking for him!"

"I know" Aragorn said. "But you'll be reunited with him sooner if you stay here. If you're out with us he might be found by another search party and brought back. And he might need you when he arrives. Stay here, you will have the best chance of being with him soon if you stay here."

Pippin crossed his arms with a pouting face but did not say anything else. Aragorn stroke his cheek with the back of his hand and then he and Legolas were gone. Pippin was all alone.

**XX  
XX**

Éowyn opened the door out to the hallway slightly and listened for footsteps in the hallway. She could hear none and were just about to step out when she could hear her husband's voice accompanied by a number of feet walking down the stone hall. She drew back and listened by the door. If she looked through the tiny slot in the door she could see Faramir and his group of captains hurrying towards Faramir's council room.

"… must be done to find Master Holdwine" Faramir's voice said.

"Holdwine…" Éowyn mumbled under her breath.

"I want every last inch of Ithilien searched thoroughly, leave no stone unturned, no door not knocked, no tree not shaken and checked. Nobody eats and nobody sleeps until he is safely returned. Bring him home, and do it now. Every minute is precious. I want him back here **alive**. Kill those who hold him captive."

"Captive…" Éowyn whispered.

The voices and footsteps faded. Instead of going out into the hall Éowyn turned and fled back to her chambers.

**XX  
XX**

Aragorn had a headache. He knew he needed to stop and drink some water but he could not treat himself to any such luxuries at the moment. He was back inside a nightmare which he never wanted to live through again, once again he was chasing after orcs in hope to save those he cared about. This time around he had the advantage of travelling by horse but the disadvantage of being a day behind. Hopefully these orcs did not travel by day. In the back of his mind he wondered what had happened to Merry's horse. Knowing the orcs it might very well have suffered the fate of becoming orc dinner. Aragorn could only pray that had not been Merry's fate as well.

"We've been following this same trail for hours on end" Legolas said. "It has led us nowhere. Aragorn I think we are on the wrong track."

"Orcs have passed by this way."

"No more than two or three. Two or three orcs cannot have had Merry with them, these are no Uruk-hai, they cannot carry him far. Especially not if they've dared travel in sunlight. I think we should head back and not waste our time following a dead track."

"I am not stopping until I find the ones who made these tracks!"

"For what purpose? To kill them and avenge Merry? That will not do our friend any good. I think we must head back to the city and hear what news they have received. Chances are the Hobbit has been brought back."

Aragorn sighed deeply and stared at the tracks before him. Deep down he knew Legolas was right. These orcs did not have Merry with them. There was no sign of any Hobbit footprint anywhere on the trail, and nothing to indicate that one of the orcs was carrying a heavy burden. But he could not give up and return home until he had Merry with him. He could not go back and face the look on Pippin's face when the news was none.

"Aragorn."

Aragorn sighed again and gave in to the Elf. There was nothing they could do following this track. It was a dead end.

"We must return" he said and mounted his horse.

**XX  
XX**

An hour later, far from where Aragorn and Legolas were, a troupe of four soldiers halted. They had been following the river down its path, looking for any sign that someone might have gotten out of the river on any side. So far they had been without luck. The streams of the river could carry its prey all the way to the sea; the Hobbit could have followed it for a long time before managing to get out. Luckily Merry was a Hobbit who knew how to swim, but the water was cold and spending too much time in it might cause him to freeze to death. Neither soldier wanted to think of what would happen if they found the Hobbit dead and had to bring him back to the city in such a condition.

"If Master Perian did come this way he must have been frozen solid by now" one of the soldiers said. "Only pure luck could save him at this point."

"Wait!" one of his companions said and pointed. "I see something! Over there!"

"Is it the Perian?" another soldier asked.

"No, definitely not… But it might be a trace, perhaps one of his attackers. I just hope it's something which will tell us he came this way."

They galloped down the river. Their horses began to whinny and refused to go any further. One of the soldiers wrinkled his nose and jumped down on the ground. He could see what it was lying before him but for some reason he had to step closer and make absolute sure. He reached out his hand and touched it.

"The horse that the Perian borrowed" he said. "Washed up dead… So he went into the river."

"Let's hope he's in a better state than the horse."

"There's something here…" the soldier on the ground said and held his fingers over his nose as he leaned over the horse to have a better look. "An arrow. Sticking out of the horse's side. An orc arrow."

"We must move on!" one of the other soldiers said. "We are close now!"

The soldier on the ground went back to his own horse and shook his head in disbelief as he mounted.

"What happened to this poor Perian?" he wondered.

"Perhaps we shall find our answer further down the river."

And they did.

**XX**

**XX**

Aragorn and Legolas had returned to the city by the time the four soldiers got back. They were keeping Pippin company in Faramir's throne room when the steward came to speak with them. Pippin hurried over as soon as Faramir appeared. He felt Legolas hand on his left shoulder and Aragorn's on his right. They stood right behind him as Faramir began to speak. He spoke to Aragorn, finding it easier that way.

"A troupe of soldiers found Master Holdwine's horse washed up on the banks of the river. Dead, impaled by an orc arrow before drowning in the river. They continued a bit further down the river and there they found proof of your friend's fate. I regret having to be the one to inform you, Merry is dead. I am truly sorry."

He looked down at Pippin and handed him something which the soldiers had found. Pippin looked down on it. It was Merry's pack, impaled by an arrow. Only part of the arrow remained, it had been broken off, and it did not take much guessing to realise that the other end of it was impaled in Merry's back. Pippin looked at it for a few seconds without making a movement. Then a cry of pain passed through his lips which startled the three tall people in the room with him.


	3. Ride with me

**Ithilien, May of 1425**

The three companions stayed in Faramir's throne room the rest of the day. They were given their privacy, each of them lost in their own line of thoughts.

Aragorn sat on Faramir's throne, leaning his chin in his palm, blaming himself in his mind. He had arrived too late, he had not tracked the orcs fast enough, he had given up too soon, he had not followed the right tracks that would lead him to Merry. He tried not to look at Pippin; right now he did not need to see any possible accusations in the Hobbit's eyes. He just stared into space, trying to fight his new demons.

Legolas sat up on a table, positioned like a tailor, staring far off to some distance which only he could see. He had not spoken a word since he had received the news. What he was thinking was anybody's guess. In his arms he held the pack which had once belonged to Merry.

Pippin sat over by the other table in the room, playing with a paperclip and looking rather careless. His feet swayed back and forth in the air like a little child's, his eyes were neither tormented like Aragorn's nor distant like Legolas'.

There was food on the table, supper for the three friends. Only Pippin had touched it. It was well past suppertime by now yet neither the ranger nor the Elf felt any hunger. Pippin glanced from one of them to the other and thought he could not take a minute more of the silence.

"So… How long will you be staying in Ithilien?"

Aragorn looked over at him but turned his gaze away again without answering. Pippin didn't give up so easily.

"Lovely chicken they serve here. You ought to have tried it, too bad it's all gone cold now. Not that a Hobbit minds, but I've seen how picky you people can be about your foods. You have no idea what you are missing."

Aragorn rose from his seat and decided he had had enough for one day. It was best if they all just went to sleep, perhaps the morning would feel brighter. Aragorn could not wait for this day to be over.

"Let's make our retreat" he said. "I think we all could use a few hours of sleep. We have a hard couple of days ahead of us."

Legolas rose and leapt down on the floor. He joined Aragorn and waited for Pippin, who frowned but obediently got up from his seat and came over.

"Shouldn't we wait for Merry?" he asked.

Legolas looked away but Aragorn faced Pippin's eyes.

"Pip…" he said gently.

"What?"

Without a word Aragorn put his arm around the Hobbit's shoulder and lead him to his chambers. It had not yet sunk in for Pippin that Merry was not coming back. Halfway to his chambers Pippin remembered again and had to take a deep breath to compose himself. Aragorn felt the reaction and squeezed his shoulders.

"Don't do that" Pippin said, afraid of losing his poise. "Please…"

"Will you be alright?" Aragorn asked as they stopped by Pippin's door.

"Fine" Pippin mumbled. "Nothing worse can happen to me now, can it?"

He walked into his chambers without any form of goodnight and shut the door. He closed his eyes and took a deep trembling breath. When he opened them again he felt fine. The realization of Merry's death came and went, at the moment it was gone. He felt strangely numb but that feeling was better than the other one.

He got out of his clothes and found his night garments, all the while feeling quite good. He strolled around the room for a while, putting his clothes away and cleaning up the mess he had created that morning when he felt in a hurry. Right now he felt he had all the time in the world.

When there was nothing left to do in the room he lifted the covers off his bed and was just about to crawl up in it when he stopped and noticed Merry's bed. Still made, the same as when he left it two days ago. Pippin let go of his covers as if they had burned him and backed away from the bed. It was so lonely in there with no Merry to talk to as he was getting ready to go to sleep. They had shared this room for a whole month now; tonight Pippin was alone. Overcome by the realisation that he would never get to bed while chatting with Merry again he turned and fled the room.

He wandered aimlessly down the halls, not even realising he was in his bedtime clothes and not suitable for company. He just had to get away from the emptiness of his chambers; it would suffocate him if he didn't. He strolled down the halls for a long time before ending up by the soldiers' sleeping quarters. Pippin had always had his own chambers when visiting Ithilien; he had never had to spend a night sleeping in a bunk bed together with all the other soldiers.

He opened the door, snuck inside and found himself an empty bed. It was too high up in the air for his liking but he got up on it, pulled the blanket over him and crawled up in a foetal position. For a brief moment he wondered if the bed belonged to someone and if that soldier would be mad when he found the Halfling there. But he closed his eyes and blocked out all thoughts from his tired mind. The steady breaths of thirty sleeping soldiers soon lulled him to sleep.

**XX  
XX**

Gimli arrived the next day, halfway through morning. He had left the Glittering Caves when word had reached him of Merry going missing, but since he did not travel by horse it had taken him longer to reach Ithilien. He saw Faramir first, who informed him of what news they had received. The next person he saw was Pippin.

The Dwarf did not say a word at first; he just strode up to the Hobbit and hugged him as close as he could. The unexpected embrace spoke volumes to Pippin, and for the first time since he had first suspected that something had happened to Merry he felt a tear fall down his shoulder. He took a deep breath to compose himself but with the shivering exhale came more tears.

"Don't hold it in, little one" Gimli said to him. "You're stronger than that."

Once he started sobbing Pippin could not stop. He clung on to Gimli and cried until he no longer had the strength to cry. Gimli did not say a word; he just rocked his friend gently and let him cry. Pippin had never expected this kind of gentle action from the Dwarf, it made him realise how truly serious the situation was. Merry was not coming back, and no one had lost more than Pippin.

After a long while Gimli let go of the Hobbit and looked him in the eyes. Pippin wiped his teary cheeks and eyes and managed a half-hearted smile.

"I'm glad you are here, Gimli. It's good to be together again. I only wish it had been under better circumstances."

"So do I, laddie" Gimli said. "So do I."

"Have you seen the others, Strider and Legolas, yet?" Pippin asked, mostly just to make conversation.

"Nay, not yet. They are not why I am here."

Pippin gave his friend another hug and then took a deep breath to compose himself. He didn't want to go out into the corridors looking like this; he had to show a strong face to the humans around him. If he let anyone see how frightened he was he would never be able to hold it together.

"I will go find our companions now" Gimli said. "I wonder how they have taken the news. I wish I could have been here to follow the tracks with them. You come and find us if there's anything you need, you hear?"

Pippin nodded and wiped his cheeks with his sleeve. It was kind of Gimli to offer, but there was not a single thing Pippin needed which anyone could give to him right now. All he wanted was to be left alone and forget that anybody else existed in the world.

**XX  
XX**

Pippin spent the rest of the morning hidden in a room with a window facing the direction Merry had ridden. Once he had been left alone he had managed to pull himself together quite quickly and right now he was feeling fairly alright. He sat on the windowsill and gazed out on the plains, but he did not think of the friend who had disappeared in that direction. His mind was with other things, trivial things, wondering what was for dinner and whether or not he should get new shoes for his pony.

He mumbled an _enter_ when someone knocked on the door. He glanced over to the door and bowed his head slightly for the Lady Éowyn as she entered and closed the door behind her. He had not seen her once during the search for Merry and his mind had never once been on anything connected with her. It had not struck him that Merry was the Lady's esquire and more than that, her friend. He assumed she had come to see him now to offer him some sort of support. He wanted to tell her to leave but couldn't muster the energy to do it politely so he let it be.

"Master Peregrin…" she said hesitantly. "I wish to have a word with you."

"I chose a random room hoping to be alone, how did you know where to find me?" he asked.

"I saw you going in here about an hour ago" she confessed. "I am glad I saw you. Will you speak with me?"

Pippin waved a hand, not caring whether she spoke or whether she left. He turned his eyes back out the window. His reaction made the lady nervous; she had not expected the lack of emotions he was showing.

"The Steward told me last night about Master Holdwine" she said. "He said that he is dead and that orcs killed him."

Pippin dug his nails into the palms of his hands but didn't say anything. The woman took a step closer, unsure of what to say to reach him and make him listen to what she had to say. It was important to her that he listened.

"He also told me that they didn't find his body, that it has been washed down the river. I don't accept a dead horse and an arrow through a backpack as proof that my friend is dead. He saved my life once; I won't let his slip out of our fingers if he can still be found alive. I have made up my mind to ride along the river and not stop until I find him, either alive or just his body." Éowyn paused. "Ride with me."

Pippin looked up. His eyes were questioning. What would be the point of going out on a ride to find Merry when trained trackers had been unable to? She had not expected this questioning response from him but had an answer for him nonetheless.

"Faramir's trackers and even Aragorn himself may have failed in finding him but they do not have the connection with him that you and I do. You don't give up on those you care about! I will not rest until I either find proof that I can believe in or I find him alive. I owe Holdwine that much. And I want you to come with me."

A wide smile suddenly spread across Pippin's face.

"You're right!" he said with his voice filled with excitement, and jumped down from the windowsill. "Let's go find our Merry!"

**XX  
XX**

Pippin felt scared at first riding on a tall mearas horse together with the Lady. He had always had his doubts on riding with a woman, in spite of how Merry always seemed so secure on a horse with her. The speed of the horse gave Pippin a touch of motion sickness and he was afraid to look down at first. Then Éowyn put her arm around his waist to make sure he did not fall off and suddenly Pippin was not afraid anymore. In fact he felt quite good. Nobody had ever gotten to ride with the Lady before save for Merry, it was something the two of them had held for special, to Pippin it felt like being connected with Merry to ride with the Lady. They were closer to one another already.

Éowyn rode along the river for a while until they reached the carcass of the horse Merry had ridden. Pippin felt like being sick when he saw the bloated horse lying there and wished Éowyn would hurry past it as fast as possible. But Éowyn slowed down instead and let her horse walk right by the banks of the river.

"Keep your eyes open" she said. "We are almost by the spot where they found his pack. That's where they gave up the search."

"Can we please follow the other side of the river back?" Pippin asked and wondered what shade of green his face had turned.

"I was planning on it; he might have gotten up on the other side."

Pippin was thankful when they got further away from the dead horse. Just the thought of Merry in that same condition made him cringe. Part of him was afraid to move on; he knew he did not have the strength to handle it if they were to find Merry like that. He grabbed Éowyn's arm and held it tight, hoping she would be strong enough for the both of them. Merry had always trusted in her strength.

"Can you see anything?" Éowyn asked him.

"Nothing more than river, rock and plain."

"Can you hear anything? Your senses are better developed than mine."

"There's nothing. Do you think we should call out to him? Maybe he's in hiding and is afraid to show himself when he doesn't know who is coming. It's only good sense, you know. I would have been doing just that were I in his shoes."

"I don't want to attract orcs" Éowyn said. "They might still be somewhere near, and we only have one sword. One Hobbit missing is quite enough."

"Poor Merry… If he is with the orcs then… then I think I'd rather he had drowned. He can die anywhere and anyhow he wants so long as it's not by the hands of orcs."

Éowyn did not respond but she squeezed him a little with the arm she had around his waist. It was comforting to Pippin. He was glad to have her right now, glad that she took charge and lead them on. Pippin would fight till the death with the orcs if he found them with Merry held captive, but he needed someone to help him get there. He was petrified and weaker than he had ever been, without someone there to support him he would not get very far.

Suddenly he froze. He squinted and grabbed the first thing his hands found, part of Éowyn's long hair, and yanked it.

"There! There! Over there! I can see something!"

Éowyn gently released his hand from her hair and rode in the direction he pointed. As soon as she stopped they were down on the ground and over by Pippin's finding. It was a dead orc with a blade sticking out of it. The blade had no handle and Éowyn knelt down to examine it.

"It's no orc sword" she said. "I think it belonged to Holdwine."

"But where is the handle?"

"Use your keen Halfling eyes! Search around here! Yell out to me if you find anything! Go! Quickly!"

Pippin ran up to a nearby hilltop and looked around. His heart was pounding in his chest, each beat with a promise that they were closer to finding Merry. Adrenaline rushed through his body. How could he ever have given up hope and despaired?

Éowyn rose from her spot by the dead orc and took a few paces towards the river. She nearly tripped over something and knelt down once again. Pippin came up to her when he saw that she had found something.

"An orc quiver" she told him. "It's empty. This orc either used up all his firing power or someone stole the arrows after he was dead. This makes no sense to me, where are all the other orcs? If there was such a fight where did they all go to?"

"I know what I think" Pippin said. "I think there was a fight further up the river. Merry and his horse fell into the river, or jumped. The horse drowned or died in some other manner but Merry survived and surfaced near here. The ground is wet, I think it might have rained here; the rain would have washed away his tracks. When he got out of the river he found he was followed by this orc. They battled, Merry killed him."

"If so, where is Merry now?"

"Walking home I hope."

"Without following the river?"

"Éowyn he is not stupid. He would not follow the river knowing that orcs waited further up. I think he is very much alive and heading back to the city."

"I pray that you're right. And when I get home I shall speak with my husband and have him wring those soldiers' necks for not following the tracks further! How they could have allowed themselves to miss this is beyond me! I shall have them degraded and, and, and other horrible things!"

"Steady now, let's find Merry and worry about those soldiers later."

Then Pippin noticed something behind a rock near the river and ran over. Éowyn followed. By the time she got there Pippin had sunk down on the ground and held his findings in his arms.

"Merry's Rohirric coat" he said. "The one he was wearing when I spoke with him in the gardens."

He held the coat up to Éowyn. She swallowed hard. Right where Merry's heart should be the coat was pierced, probably by a blade, and dark red with coagulated blood. The blood could not be anybody but Merry's.

"Where is the trail?" she asked. "If this is his then where is the trail of blood showing us which way he went?"

"There is none" Pippin said and pointed out into the river. "There. See? On that big rock there."

Out on the rock in the middle of the river a piece of clothing had gotten stuck. Éowyn knew what it was; she had seen it many times before. It was the vest Merry wore underneath his Rohirric coat. It could only have gotten there after Merry took his coat off. He had gone into the river, by his own will or forced. With the injury he had he had never been able to get out. Merry was really dead.

Éowyn fell down on her knees and pulled Pippin to her, crying like her heart would break. Pippin let her cry but had no tears of his own. All he could think of was how blessed he was to be with her right now, she was truly the strongest one of them.

**XXX  
XXX  
XXX**

It's really hard to try your hand at this dramatic stuff! My biggest fear right now is that it ends up over-the-top or really sappy. What I can tell you about the series at this point is that it is all written by now, landing on 39 chapters in total plus an appendix which is a work in progress. However I have decided to post one chapter each week at this time since I'm not happy with how the series turns out later and I'm doing some massive rewriting. One chapter a week ought to be enough to give me time to work on the later chapters and still keep interest up with the readers. I hope you will continue to be with me until all 39 chapters are posted!

Right now I'm eager to hear what you think. Let's face it, us writers thrive on reviews. And your comments might be very helpful while I'm working on my rewrites. If something isn't good let me know and if you have suggestions please give them to me. Praise is of course welcome as well lol.

Oh and let's not forget…

**DISCLAIMER**: I do not own any characters, places or events from "the Lord of the Rings" and I am using them without permission. However I don't get any profit from it so please don't sue me. This disclaimer goes for the entire series; I will only be posting it this once.

Thank you and see you next week!


	4. Something for the Road

**Ithilien, May of 1425**

Pippin shivered in the bright shining sun and pulled his Elven cape closer around him. The warm breeze felt like an icy wind in the middle of December and he could swear the sun was hidden behind the clouds even though it was shining bright from a clear sky. He was clad in his black Gondorian armour and the warmth of the sun ought to be making the black fabric burn like fire on his skin. Pippin could not feel any of that, for all he knew he was wearing nothing at all on a cold winter's day.

He did not feel sad, he told himself. Not sad, not crushed, just cold. Cold with no hope of warming up again.

He had insisted at first that Merry should have a grand funeral, one worthy of one of Gondor's heroes. He had been sure he'd won Aragorn over on the idea when Éomer King had arrived from Rohan and demanded to have a say in the matter. It was his esquire who had lost his life, not Aragorn's, and Éomer felt a smaller ceremony with only friends gathered would be much more appropriate. Pippin had been upset, but now he was glad. The lesser people there the lesser eyes that stared at him and wondered which of the Periannath had died and which one was it that lived. He had been called Master Holdwine a few times by people who thought the dead one was Master Peregrin, and it had scared Pippin out of wanting to be around anybody who didn't know him or Merry personally.

Éomer had had to surrender his will in one aspect. He wanted to have the actual burial take place in Rohan, where Merry had sworn his allegiance, but Aragorn had insisted that Ithilien was a better place. Merry's truest loyalty had always been to Éowyn, and his greatest adventures had taken place within the realms of Gondor. Pippin had been the one to settle the debate, opting in favour of Aragorn. Pippin wanted Merry's burial to take place in Ithilien; he wanted to know that in the end Merry had come back to the city. To that argument Éomer had yielded.

The ceremony was still not very small. It was not only attended by Pippin and his fellow members of the fellowship, Éomer was there with his queen and between them and Aragorn stood Faramir and Queen Arwen. Most of the soldiers stationed in Ithilien were there, and so were a few of the people who worked at the castile. Pippin could spot the chefs somewhere behind Gimli.

The only person missing was Éowyn, who refused to attend. Pippin knew he should probably care why, but he truthfully didn't. He knew that she grieved and if she wanted to do so without saying a proper goodbye then that was her choice. He wanted nothing to do with her choice to stay away; he would neither have tried to convince her to go nor given his blessing to her staying away if anyone had asked him to. Wherever Éowyn was this afternoon it was her own decision and Pippin cared not.

A small coffin rested before them, covered in flowers. Pippin thought it was a complete waste to bury flowers along with the coffin, Merry didn't even care much for flowers when he was alive, he was only interested in their roots. But there were many aspects to this funeral which made no sense to Pippin, customs of the race of men which were foreign to him. He found himself welcoming them nonetheless, with Éomer in charge of the funeral it meant Pippin did not have to make any decisions or plan anything at all. He liked it better that way. It was easier.

Éomer conducted the ceremony, a great honour for the esquire to have the king himself take on the job. Pippin didn't know Éomer very well but he knew Merry had been fond of him, so he had not said anything about it. The king of Rohan looked weary, but he had been through worse scrapes than this and would recover. He mourned the loss of an esquire who had meant so much to the royal family of Rohan and who had played such a pivotal part in the safekeeping of the land, Pippin did not doubt that his sorrow was real. But for him life would have to continue as it always had before. Pippin could not hope for the same.

Next to Éomer's queen stood Faramir, holding his head low. He had not slept for many hours during the past week and barely ate. Although Merry had not been his own esquire or one of his soldiers he had served Faramir's wife and as such Faramir had seen him as a member of his own court. Faramir felt that he had failed the Hobbit; he could have sent soldiers after him much sooner and not given up hope as quickly as he had. Merry had ridden out while being under Faramir's supervision and he was his responsibility. Faramir had barely dared to face his king or his brother-in-law since he had been forced to bring them news of the Halfling's death.

Not far from Faramir stood Aragorn, also guilt-stricken and with his head held low. He battled the same demons now as he did the day Merry's pack was brought to them, unable to forgive himself for not having found his friend. He had been feeling even worse since Pippin and Éowyn had returned and he learned that there were more traces of Merry further down the river. He should have gone down there himself, he knew that he should. He had ridden out that day and followed the river as far as he could, bringing home what he found on the way.

Pippin was standing in-between Legolas and Gimli, a rather awkward placing which made him feel out of place and in the way. He was not entirely comfortable around Legolas these days, the Elf never seemed to be able to grasp the concept of death and when he lost someone he distanced himself in order not to succumb to the Elfish ability to sit down and die after suffering a loss.

Pippin reached out for Gimli's hand and squeezed it hard. The Dwarf was a far better rock to cling to at this time, much to Pippin's surprise. Gimli acted on his emotions more often than not and he knew exactly what buttons to push to make Pippin cry, something he much needed to do. They had not seen each other more than a few times in the past week but Pippin had cried twice in his arms and it had been the only times he had shed any real tears at all. The Dwarf's straightforwardness was a comfort; he didn't expect Pippin to even try to keep his act together. It was only in his company that Pippin didn't have to wonder how he was expected to act.

While listening to Éomer's words Pippin thought back on the last days he had spent with his best friend. He remembered very vividly their last meeting in the gardens. He never wanted to forget a single minute of it, the last time he had seen his cousin alive. Every time he thought about it he felt a stab of pain, it hurt knowing that there was so much he wanted to say to Merry and he had not said it the last time they met. Their last meeting should have been a monumental one, they should have said and done things out of the ordinary, they should have spent one of those moments together which they knew they would remember forever no matter what. Instead they had briefly spoken in a garden. It seemed so trivial. Not worthy of the long friendship they had shared.

From a window a woman clad in white watched the ceremony. She was all alone, but it was by her own choice. She was too far away to hear what was said so she sang her own song of sorrow. An ancient song which had been sung at the funerals of great knights, men and kings. She only watched for as long as the song lasted, then she turned and walked away from the window.

Éomer finished speaking and someone gave Pippin a nudge. He was supposed to say something, but he didn't know what to say. He had not prepared any form of speech, not even known that he was expected to talk. Éomer had told him that the person closest to the deceased was expected to say something at the funeral but Pippin had not listened. Usually the closest person was a spouse, a child or a parent but in this case it was a cousin. Pippin looked at the gathered people with uncertain eyes, then gathered some courage and cleared his throat.

"I don't know what to say to you at this moment…" he said, not to the people around him but to Merry. "There is nothing to say. Nothing that can describe what I'm feeling now. Since no words can do justice to what I want you to know and I want to describe to you then I won't even give it a try. All I will say is that you may have left Middle-Earth in body but you will live for as long as I do through me. Please never leave me. Keep your spirit near me. If you only get to take one thing with you to the place you are now then let that one thing be my affection. I can come to terms with a lot of things in life. I can come to terms with war, with friends leaving, with lives changing forever and with hurt and pain. But I cannot come to terms with losing the bond we've shared. I can't come to terms with something so strong having to be gone."

He swallowed hard and stepped up to the coffin. There was one Hobbit tradition he had insisted upon for the funeral, a ritual in which every guest left something for the deceased. The ones closest to the departed placed their gifts on the coffin; the other guests placed theirs around it. There was little room for any gifts on top of the coffin among all the flowers but Pippin had insisted on this part of the ceremony. There had to be something about Merry's funeral which fitted a Hobbit.

"Something for the road, my special friend" Pippin said with a trembling voice and held up a pouch.

The Queen of Rohan began to sing a lament as Pippin moved aside some flowers and placed his gift, a bag full of champignons, on the coffin. Champignons had been Merry's favourite mushroom. Pippin stayed by the coffin for a few seconds, wishing that the voice he heard belonged to Éowyn and not to her sister-in-law. Then he solemnly stepped back into his place.

Éomer stepped forward next and placed a dagger, long enough to be a Hobbit sword, next to Pippin's bag of mushrooms.

"You lost your blade in battle, twice" Éomer said. "Take this new blade with you where you are going."

Next Aragorn stepped up, placing a pouch filled with herbs on the coffin. Their interest in herbal medicine was one of the things which had bound him and Merry to one another and it was the only thing he had been able to think of to give to Merry.

"We shall meet again, Holdwine" he said. "Until then, please forgive me for failing you this time. Your life was prosperous when it was taken from you… may you continue to grow in our hearts if you cannot grow on Middle-Earth."

After Aragorn it was Legolas' turn. The hint of a smile appeared on Pippin's face when he saw the Elf placing lembas bread next to the sword. Legolas placed his hand over his heart and bowed his head. With closed eyes he said something in Elvish, probably meant as something private but Pippin understood the language enough to understand what he was saying.

"Something to keep you from hungering" the Elf said in his own tongue. "We love you. Forgive us, please."

Pippin wanted to reach his hand out to Legolas and let him know that he had understood what he had said. But there was something about his friend which made him hesitate to touch him, almost as if he would be breaking some form of ritual if he did.

Gimli stepped up after Legolas and placed a new leather pack, made out of the finest Dwarfish craftsmanship, next to the lembas bread. Sow in to the pack were tiny gemstones which Gimli had gotten from the Glittering Caves.

"You will never be forgotten, brother" Gimli said.

Then Faramir stepped up. Pippin looked at him and saw the same look on his face as the one on Boromir's the last time Pippin had seen him. A look of sorrow and guilt. Faramir resembled his brother so closely at that moment that Pippin had to close his eyes. The look was too much for him to handle and it brought back memories which he longed to forget forever.

With his eyes closed Pippin could not see what gift Faramir placed on the coffin. No doubt it was something practical yet impersonal, Faramir had not known Merry as well as the others who placed their gifts on top of the coffin and Pippin knew he would not pretend that he had by giving him something very personal.

"You were only an esquire in my household for a short period of time" he head Faramir say. "But during that time you made a great difference. Ithilien holds you eternally grateful for all that you have done for us, especially for our princess."

Pippin opened his eyes when he heard Faramir take a step back. The coffin was covered in gifts by now; the rest would be placed on the ground next to it. The first person to place hers was Queen Arwen. Traditionally it should have been Éomer's wife and not Aragorn's, but the former was still singing her lament.

One by one the people around them stepped forward and left their gift, saying their last farewell to Merry as they did. The lament ended and everything was strangely quiet, the only thing that was heard was the feet walking up to the coffin and the words spoken by the people who came up to it. It was too quiet; Pippin felt he would go crazy if it was to be this quiet. He began to sing an old song from the Shire, commonly sung at funerals. When the song was over the procession still was not and Pippin needed more song to fill the air. He felt he could not endure a moment of silence.

He felt Gimli's hand on his shoulder and took comfort in it. Strengthened by the Dwarf's silent support he searched his memory for other songs of sorrow that would be fitting to sing at times like these. But when he opened his mouth and began to sing it was not a lament that passed from his lips but a song of joy and of friendship.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a disapproving look from Legolas and when he looked over at Éomer he found the king to frown as well. But it only lasted for a brief moment, for then Éomer nodded and looked content. Pippin felt encouraged by this silent approval and sang with all his heart. He was relieved that Éomer understood, that Merry's king could see that Pippin's song was an homage to everything his cousin had meant to him. Éomer's approval meant a lot to him.

Which every passing note of the song Pippin felt the hint of a smile appear on his face and continuously grow. Perhaps it was not fitting to the humans around him to smile at a funeral, especially when the person being buried was your own best friend, but Pippin could not bear the thought of Merry's last farewell being an occasion filled only with sorrow. Merry had brought joy, not sadness, and it was impossible to Pippin to say farewell without acknowledging that.

Pippin's song lasted until the last of the soldiers had placed his gift by the coffin and walked away. Tradition called for the people close to the deceased to remain but the rest of the guest were expected to leave when they had left their gift. Now the eight people who had been the closest to Merry were alone with him, getting their last moment with him together.

Nobody spoke a word. This time the silence felt comforting to Pippin, it offered him a retreat. The people around him stood with their heads bowed, thinking about the friend they had lost and wishing him well wherever he was now. Pippin's hand reached up and grasped the Elven brooch holding his Elvish cape together, comforted by the familiar feel of something he had worn on his long journey. A look around him told him that the other three members of the fellowship also grasped the brooches on their capes.

While they stood their in silence Pippin let his thoughts brush the reality of Merry being gone. He still had not accepted it. Part of the beauty with this foreign funeral service was that it was so far from what Pippin was used to that it didn't seem real. He could still tell himself that Merry was alive and well and this was all just a nightmare which would end at any moment.

He managed to wish so intensively that Merry was still alive that he half expected to turn around and see his friend come walking through the gardens just as he had on that very last day they'd had together. If only he could live that moment over again, if only he had the chance of changing the course of that meeting.

He had been brought up to believe that the power of your wishes was a strong thing and that it could change things around you. He also remembered Merry telling him once that healing had a lot to do with one's mind, that when one was ill or hurt that person could come a long way in the healing process if he only believed in it strongly enough. Pippin believed with all his heart that Merry was still near, somehow his cousin just couldn't be gone, it was not acceptable. But if Merry had been right then Pippin's powerful wishing would have been enough to bring Merry back. Yet no Merry came, no matter how much Pippin dreamed nothing was going to change that fact.

"Anyone who wants a dream to come true knows what this feels like" he mumbled to himself.

"What was that?" Gimli asked.

"Nothing…"

"Quiet! Both of you! Pay your respects!"

Pippin looked at Legolas who had just snarled at them. He was not used to hearing the Elf speak like that. He could not quite understand what was wrong with Legolas; it was hard for him to comprehend how an Elf could be so dumbstruck by something as common as death. He wished he could hug Legolas and hold him close, like he could with Gimli, but he was afraid that his friend would push him away if he tried. He could not handle rejection right now; he preferred keeping a distance to Legolas.

They stood by the coffin for a long time. The sun began to set in the west, slowly but steadily. Faramir became the first to leave, going to find his wife and to make preparations for dinner. In spite of everything that had happened life had to go on in Ithilien.

The two women left together shortly after Faramir. Pippin was glad they had left, they had not known Merry well enough for his liking, he wanted to be alone with those who had cared about his cousin the most.

The other six remained for quite some time. Éomer became the next one to go, realizing that the fellowship needed some time alone to say goodbye to their lost member. He gave Pippin a reassuring look on his way from the gardens. Pippin wished people would stop pitying him, because that's what he felt they were doing. He didn't want them to pity him just because he had been the closest to Merry, he wanted them to grieve his cousin and let Pippin be.

The four members of the fellowship stayed until the sun had almost set. Then Aragorn nodded slightly and walked away. He stopped after a few paces and awaited the others. Gimli and Legolas came as soon as he stopped but Pippin lingered. He knew that the moment he left people would arrive to take care of the burial. Pippin was not going to take part in it, he was glad he was spared the task for he didn't know that he had the strength to send his cousin into the grave.

"Pippin" Aragorn's voice said.

Pippin knew he had to leave now. He could not spend any more time with his best friend. But before he left he stepped up to the coffin and placed one last thing on top of it. A pouch with all of his pipe weed.

"Something for the end of the road" he said. "I love you, Meriadoc."


	5. Strength and Weakness

**Minas Tirith, May of 1425**

A week after the funeral the king returned to Minas Tirith. With him he had his two brothers in arms and his favourite esquire. They came in silence without a larger party travelling with them. The queen had returned the day after the funeral and taken the entourage with her. It was only the king, the Elf and Dwarf sharing a horse and the Hobbit on his ragged pony. It was far from the grand arrival a king should have but the four friends were all thankful there was no majestic welcoming.

Aragorn was in truth quite glad to be returning to Minas Tirith. Staying in Ithilien to pay respects to his dead friend was a waste of time he needed to spend on other things. He had a whole kingdom to rule, and ruling was done from Minas Tirith. He knew that Faramir could handle matters in Ithilien, and in secret Aragorn was happy to get to leave the part of Gondor which he had once thought of as the most beautiful. In Ithilien Merry's death seemed to be all around, everybody knew about it and everybody felt like they had taken part in the events during the days surrounding his departure. In Minas Tirith they could all get a touch of ordinary life.

Aragorn and Legolas were planning on returning soon in any case, and Gimli belonged in Rohan these days, but Pippin was not supposed to follow at first. It had been the Hobbit's own idea that he should leave Ithilien and go with his friends. He could not stand being around the people of Ithilien anymore, he found them all to back away from him and avoid being near him. They didn't seem to know what to say or do around him. Pippin felt like grief was a bad stench surrounding him, which everybody kept their distance from. Nobody seemed to understand that all Pippin wanted was to be treated like everybody else. Life was odd enough as it was right now; he didn't need special treatment as well. He was not as fragile as they thought.

The four friends reached Minas Tirith by noon. To Pippin's great relief he was greeted like his friends, waved at and smiled at, just as if nothing had happened. Nobody seemed to know about the loss they all had suffered. Pippin knew that part of the staff around the citadel had been informed but that no official word had gone out.

They led their animals inside the stables and were greeted by the stableman. He looked at the party for a moment before taking the reins to the king's horse. Aragorn frowned, not failing to notice the look.

"Is there something the matter?" he asked.

"No…" the stableman said. "You just looked so lonesome, that's all. Your group looked empty. Like something was missing. Shouldn't there be one more Perian?"

Pippin sunk down on the floor when he heard that and burst out crying. The stableman looked frightened and quickly got back to work. Aragorn gave him an angry look and then turned to Pippin.

"Pippin… On your feet! Not here!" he said.

"Let the laddie be" Gimli said and put his hand on Pippin's shoulder. "Let him cry. Goodness knows he needs it. He's been bottling up too much inside these past days and it's not healthy for him."

Not feeling like an argument Aragorn bent down to lift Pippin up and carry him to his own chambers, but Pippin protested.

"Let go off me! I'm not a child!"

Aragorn released his grip of the Hobbit, who was now standing up. Pippin glared at him with as much wounded pride as he could muster at the moment. The tears were still falling down his cheeks but he refused to be treated like he was a sickling.

"You can't stay here out in the stables" Aragorn said.

Without a response Pippin turned and ran out. Aragorn made a move to follow him but Legolas stopped him. The two looked at one another and then at Gimli, who seemed to be quite angry.

"He couldn't stay here, Gimli" Aragorn said. "He is better off where he is out of sight. The last thing he needs is herds of curious people surrounding him."

"Don't take him for too strong, Aragorn" Gimli said. "He keeps a brave face up, he acts like he is doing as well as anybody could in his situation, but it is all just an act. Deep down you know this."

"Pippin has strength" Aragorn said. "All the Halflings do. Have you ever seen a Hobbit who has lost someone that close to them before? You know of their ability to shake their sorrows off their backs. Pippin is handling this very well and he is showing proof of great strength. I don't want his momentary moments of weakness to allow him to do something he might regret later. It is better that he cries when he is alone."

"Showing a brave face and keeping your emotions under control is not strength" Gimli argued. "Strong is he who dares to grieve. What you're calling strength is in truth weakness; it's hiding from how you really feel. He needs to feel all the pain and he needs to do it now. If he does not grieve properly now he will spend the rest of his life grieving."

Legolas raised an eyebrow at his friend. He had not seen this side of Gimli before. He turned and left the stables, his friends in tow, not really caring which one of them won the dispute. Legolas knew nothing about grief; he had no advice to offer Pippin and wanted no part in deciding how and when the Hobbit should be allowed to let his tears wet his face. In secret he felt that Gimli and Aragorn should stay out of the matter as well.

**XX  
XX**

Pippin did not show up for any of the meals during that day. Aragorn began to worry about him after a few hours and was about to send out people to search for him when he received word that Master Peregrin had returned to his chambers and asked for supper to be sent to him. Aragorn was about to go speak with his friend when his wife stopped him. Arwen thought it best if Pippin could have his space. Aragorn reluctantly agreed and took his retreat to his own chambers.

That night his sleep was haunted by nightmares. He saw Merry, constantly in sight but always without reach. The Hobbit was wounded and he could see Aragorn. He looked at his ranger friend with blaming eyes. Aragorn could not hear him but his eyes spoke volumes. He blamed Aragorn for not reaching him on time.

Aragorn woke up panting and sweating, his heart racing. He closed his eyes to go back to sleep but all he could see were Merry's eyes casting blame onto him.

**XX  
XX**

Pippin found himself enjoying the first days in Minas Tirith immensely. Hardly anybody knew that the other Halfling was not safe in the Shire or serving Éomer King in Rohan. For the first time since it all happened Pippin dared to smile and laugh and he did both as often as he could. It made life easier to live and he felt a lot better inside when he let himself smile and have a good time. He needed joy in his life.

He took a walk one afternoon through a garden, enjoying the last days of May. His favourite month. It was still as lovely as ever, the flowers were in bloom, the birds were singing their happy songs and the sun was warm in the sky. He could not think of a single reason why life was not pleasant to live. He opened his mouth and sang a cheerful song about springtime and found himself almost skipping down the path. He saw two birds fighting over a caterpillar and while they were busy with each other the caterpillar got away. The sight made Pippin laugh.

His laughter ended abruptly when he nearly collided with Legolas. Pippin had not heard him coming. He looked up at his friend and smiled; glad to be able to share such a lovely day with someone he cared about. Then he noticed Legolas did not look very happy at all. His eyes scolded Pippin for laughing and smiling when he should be in grief. Pippin swallowed hard and looked away. He had probably violated some Elf tradition of honouring your deceased.

Suddenly he felt as if someone had punched him right in the stomach. All the joy he had felt seconds ago vanished. Deceased. How could he have let it slip his mind? He turned and fled down the path he had come down, hoping Legolas was not following. His cheeks burned hot with shame and tears fell down his face. He wished he could just vanish from the face of the earth; he didn't want anybody to see him. He found an opening in a tick bush and crawled inside, hiding amongst the thickets. There was almost a small room where he was sitting, with the branches of the bushes as roof and walls. He felt secluded and safe.

He put his arms around his knees and rested his right cheek against his right knee. He shivered and could not stop the tears from falling. No wonder Legolas had looked upset! Pippin had been singing and laughing and smiling without a thought to his best friend. Having fun without his best friend. His best friend who would never see a bird again or hear it sing, or smell the flowers around him. There was no sun that could warm his friend now; all of Merry's senses were gone.

Pippin was overcome by a feeling of loss and at that moment missed his cousin so much that he could barely breathe. With all the other realisations came the one that hit him several times a week, the one which was too painful to remember so he forgot about it every chance he got. He would never get to see his cousin again. Never get to hear his voice or hold him close. He would never feel that familiar scent again. The thought was too much to bear.

"I'm sorry" he whispered. "I'm so, so sorry. I didn't mean to! I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to go around acting as if you were still here. Please forgive me!"

He shook with sobs until there were no tears left in him, but he couldn't get up even when the crying had ceased. His head ached, and so did his whole body which had been locked in the same position for some time. He barely felt any of that. The pain in his heart was much worse. Never again really does mean never again, for the first time he was beginning to grasp what that actually meant. He had probably a good sixty years ahead of him and they would have to be lived alone. He had known Merry for just about thirty years. He could not imagine having to live twice as long as he already had and never getting to see Merry. He wished he had the Elvish ability to just surrender life and pass on. But he knew it was not an option for him. Somehow he had to crawl out from the shelter of the thickets and live his life. Somehow, he just didn't know how.

After a long while he managed to pull himself together and crawl out from his hiding spot. He stuck his hands in his pockets and walked out of the garden, up towards the citadel. The sun was setting but the people of Minas Tirith were far from ready to rest yet. Everywhere around him people ran about doing different errands. Pippin's legs were stiff from having been still for so long but he barely noticed. He was surrounded by people but he felt lonelier than ever before.

"When I'm walking alone through this chaos…" he thought, "everywhere around me I see togetherness. I miss you so much. So many people but nobody who can take your place even for an instant."

He sighed deeply. Who was he kidding? Going about as if life was still top notch. What was a beautiful day anyways if there was nobody to share it with? And how could he for a single second have felt relieved that these people did not know of his loss? What difference did it make? He wondered if what he feared in their reactions was actually to see his own hurt reflected in those he met. As much as he tried to keep a happy face everybody who knew him could see that he was heavily burdened.

**XX  
XX**

The month of May came to an end and June began in its place. These weeks were a daze to Pippin; he would never be able to recall much of them later on in life. He spent most of his energy fighting to keep his façade up and pretend that everything was fine. He was not pretending for the people around him but for himself, he had to pretend or the truth would overwhelm him. It was hard enough during those moments when his defences fell and the realization hit him once again. He could never predict what would cause him to shatter; it could be a word, a look, a gesture. He began to draw away from those who tried to show him sympathy, because sympathy was among the hardest things to fight. He didn't want sympathy, he didn't want pity. This fight was his and his alone and other people feeling sorry for him would not help him in any way.

Legolas returned to his home in early June. Pippin would have thought that it would be lonely when the Elf left, but the truth was he barely noticed. He had not seen much of Legolas anyways; it didn't make much of a difference.

All in all Pippin felt more comfortable in Minas Tirith than he had in Ithilien. This city was not as filled with memories of Merry, his cousin had not left his mark there the same way he had in Ithilien. Most of Pippin's memories of the white city had nothing to do with Merry, memories of the war and of times he had spent there apart from his best friend. He could walk into any room without finding the memory of Merry there, haunting the halls as it did in Ithilien.

But Pippin knew that someday he would have to return to the Shire. Go back home to Crickhollow, to the place he and Merry had spent most of their lives. He could not think about that now. Until he could master the grief at a place where memories of Merry were few he would not stand a chance back home.

Pippin found grief to be a funny thing. The things he felt were nothing like he had expected them to be. He had once pictured what it would be like if Merry died, it had been during the war when Merry fell ill. He had imagined that he would be a complete wreck, that he would care about nothing and no one and only be able to feel the pain. The grief he was experiencing was nothing like that. He found that he did care about things around him, in a whole other way than he had before. He had realised how fragile life could be and how important it was to embrace it. But most of all he felt empty. Grief was not one big unending pain which gave him no room to breathe. Grief was a terrible sense of fear and loneliness, above all a feeling if emptiness. The sadness was too abstract for him to comprehend, and it was too much to handle. He only felt it in small doses at a time, and when he did feel it the sadness floored him.

Slowly but steadily he was beginning to realise for good that Merry was gone forever and was never coming back. He could only deal with it little by little, one feeling at a time. Most of the time he was dealing with loneliness, for there was nothing quite like being all alone when someone has always walked beside you.

Aragorn and Gimli watched him from a distance. Neither of them knew how to talk to Pippin right now, they thought it best to wait until he came to them. But it broke both their hearts to see him on his own all the time, without the trusted companion by his side. Aragorn almost felt he could see an extra shadow behind Pippin when the Hobbit appeared. He knew it must be his imagination, but it felt like it was the presence of Merry. To Aragorn that explained why Pippin always seemed so composed.

Pippin found himself out walking a lot. Somehow being in constant movement eased the loneliness and above all pushed the dark thoughts away. It got to the point where Pippin was afraid to stop walking, fearing that the pain he could not handle would come over him if he did. He walked from early morning till late night, stopping only to eat, and probably walked every street and path of Minas Tirith at least twice. When he came back to his chambers at night he was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open, and fell asleep the minute his head hit the pillow.

After eight days passed like this Aragorn stepped in and made the Hobbit stop walking. Pippin didn't say anything; he accepted Aragorn's order to keep still, determined to find some other way of keeping his thoughts at bay. Nothing scared Pippin more during these days than his own mind. It seemed to be able to hurt him far worse than anything else. Whenever it got the chance it reminded him of all the things he had cherished and would never have again.

**XX**

**XX**

When the second week of June came Gimli had to leave. There were some problems at the Glittering Caves which needed his attention and although he wanted to stay with his friends Aragorn managed to talk him into going back home. There was nothing he could do for any of them right now, nothing any of them could do for each other. What eventually managed to convince him to go was when Aragorn said that the best example he could set for Pippin, and the best guidance, was to return to a normal life. Because life had to go on.

An early Tuesday morning Gimli set out for the caves. Pippin and Aragorn saw him off together. Pippin had his cape wrapped tight around him; it was surprisingly cold for the month of June. Gimli smiled at him and placed a hand on his shoulder like he had so many times during the past month.

"You be good now, young Hobbit" he said.

Pippin nodded. Aragorn couldn't help but smile.

"You're not putting on a brave face, are you?" Gimli asked.

Pippin shook his head no.

"You really ought to go now" Aragorn said.

"Aye" Gimli said and nodded. "But you remember what I've said to you, Pippin. Don't bottle your emotions up inside. That's not what Merry would have wanted."

At the mentioning of Merry's name Pippin looked away. Gimli gave Aragorn an unsure look but then turned and began his journey towards the Glittering Caves. Aragorn put his arm around Pippin's shoulders as the Dwarf walked off, hoping that Pippin wouldn't be upset with having to part with more people that he cared about.

Pippin shrugged off Aragorn's silent support and went back inside without a word. Aragorn watched after him and realised he had lost the ability to reach him.


	6. In Dreams

**Minas Tirith, June of 1425**

While Legolas was away, not set to return until at least a week after Gimli left for the Glittering Caves, Aragorn realised how much he had depended on his Elf friend during the past month. While Gimli had been the one to handle Pippin most of the time Legolas had been the one nearest Aragorn. Now they were both gone and Aragorn felt lonely. He knew Legolas would be back in little more than a week but he felt scared to face that week alone. It meant he would have to reach out to Pippin and he didn't know how to do that. Somehow the Hobbit had slipped away from him and he didn't know how to win his trust and above all closeness back.

But Pippin was not his only problem. The biggest problem was Merry. After Legolas and Gimli left Aragorn found himself dreaming of Merry every night, and each night the Hobbit scolded him for not having tried hard enough to find him. Aragorn tried to tell Merry that he had fought as hard as he could but he had just been too late, nevertheless in his dreams Merry refused to listen.

Logic told him it was not Merry at all who refused to hear him. Merry was gone and could never choose to listen or not again. It was all in Aragorn's mind and his own accusations, but they felt very real in the middle of the night. And it was not how Aragorn wanted to see Merry. He hated trying to reach the Hobbit and never being able to. It gave him a sense of panic to always be so close but in the end unable to save him.

Sometimes his dreams woke him up, and when that happened he could not stay in his bed with his thoughts, he had to get up and walk around the citadel to clear his mind. He never brought any lights with him, he felt more comfortable walking in the dark. He was never out of bed for long, just long enough to remind himself that Merry could never accuse him of anything anymore, but he needed these walks through the lonesome halls.

On one of these nightly walks he met Pippin. The Hobbit seemed lost in his own thoughts and nearly walked right into Aragorn before he saw him. Aragorn wondered what he was doing out of bed but Pippin walked past him towards his own chambers without answering. The distance between them grew bigger by the day.

The days went by slowly. During the night Aragorn dealt with his bad dreams but during the day he had to deal with something that was real. Gimli had been right about one thing, Pippin was falling to pieces behind his controlled façade. Aragorn could only hope it was not too late to reach him and help him pull himself together. He had never thought it would be so hard to reach his old friend.

**XX**

**XX**

Pippin awoke with a start and looked around the room, panting and sweating. He sat up in bed and wiped his sweating forehead with his sleeve. For a short minute he enjoyed the safety of having awakened from his nightmare, then he remembered what he had woken up to.

He crawled out of his own bed and stared at the bed which had been Merry's. He had not dared to go near it before but now he braced himself and slowly stepped closer to it. He didn't know what he was so afraid of; Merry had not even slept there very often. But on the bed was Merry's favourite pillow, he had brought it with him to Minas Tirith and left it there when they went to Ithilien. Pippin had never understood the deal with that pillow, to him any pillow was as good as the other, but Merry claimed it fit his head better than any other pillow and he preferred to sleep on it. He had had it for as long as Pippin could remember. Now it had not been slept on for weeks.

Pippin felt a tear fall down his cheek as he kneeled down beside the bed and let his hand touch the pillow. Gently he laid his head down next to it, breathing in the familiar scent that reminded him so much of Merry. He couldn't stop the tears from falling, all he could do was to kneel there and caress the pillow where Merry had always slept, always, always but not anymore. Not this night. Not anymore. Not ever.

He felt so alone. At Crickhollow they had their separate bedrooms, but when they visited Gondor or Rohan together they always shared a room. Even when they weren't sleeping behind the same door Pippin was used to having Merry nearby, but now he wasn't. He was so far away. It was a distance nothing could breech.

Pippin wanted to shout at the top of his lungs that Merry should be here, sleeping on this pillow; he had to be there now to comfort his younger cousin. But there was no shouting or screaming that could change the facts. There was nothing to be done. Merry would never sleep on his pillow again.

It was more than Pippin could bear. He grabbed the nearest clothes he could find and left the chambers, drying his tears. For some reason he just couldn't stand to look at the empty bed where someone he depended on was supposed to sleep. It was difficult to go to sleep at all without the comforting sound of another person's breath in the room. And when he did go to sleep…

Pippin shivered. He had never known dreams could be such terror. If he never had a dream again he would be very happy. He just wanted to get some sleep, some undisturbed sleep, but there were not many nights when he got his wish. He felt he hadn't woken up completely relaxed for weeks.

As he walked down an empty hall he could hear footsteps approaching from the other end. He stopped and listened more closely. There was often someone walking down the halls even in the middle of the night, someone was always awake. He didn't care to encounter one of the servants and have to answer questions of why he wasn't asleep in his chambers. Then he saw that the person approaching was Aragorn and relaxed a bit. Aragorn stopped and looked at him.

"I couldn't sleep" Aragorn said. "I had a bad dream. Could I talk to you for a while? I think it would make me feel better."

A bit surprised by the query Pippin agreed and followed Aragorn to a small sitting room where the taller figure lit a fire. Pippin realised he was happily surprised that someone else was in need of someone to talk to for once, that it was not about him and his own grief. It was good to be reminded that there were other things in the world than what he was dealing with.

Aragorn knelt by the fireplace until it was burning nicely, wondering what to say and how to try and reach Pippin. He was glad he had gotten him to agree to talk but he realised that one wrong word could make the Hobbit leave again.

"I've been having these dreams…" he said. "About Merry. I dream that I'm trying to save him but he is always just without my reach. And he blames me for not being able to reach him."

"Bad dreams?" Pippin said. "I've heard it's common to dream that something is right beyond your reach."

"Not like this" Aragorn said.

He stood up and placed his arm on the mantelpiece, leaning against it. He wondered if it had ever been this difficult to talk with Pippin. Then he realised something. In his dreams his relationship with Pippin was reflected through Merry. In reality Pippin was the one in sight but out of reach. And if anyone was blaming him for Merry not being saved it was not the one who was dead but the one who still lived.

"I… I just feel like I need to talk with you for a while" he said to his Hobbit friend. "You were much closer to him than I was. Do you think he blamed me for not finding him before he died?"

"No, I don't believe that for a second" Pippin said. "It's not like him. How would he even have known you knew he was in trouble? Perhaps he's still alive somewhere, like in the Undying Lands or something, or just that the spirit survives. And if that is so and if he is watching us then I don't think he blames you. I think that if anything he is grateful to you for trying."

A smile appeared on Aragorn's face and he sat down in an armchair next to the one Pippin was seated in.

"Do you really think so? I am glad to hear the words coming from your lips. Forgiveness from you is the same as forgiveness from Merry."

Pippin smiled slightly, but then he looked down. Aragorn frowned and leaned closer, careful not to make the Hobbit feel cornered.

"Pippin is there something the matter?" he asked. "Something you would like to talk about?"

There was a long pause before Pippin looked up and met Aragorn's eyes.

"I've been dreaming about him too."

"Oh" Aragorn said at lack for anything better.

Pippin's eyes filled with tears and his lips formed what seemed like a twisted smile in an effort not to begin to sob. He looked away and took a deep trembling breath. Aragorn waited patiently while he fought to gain control of himself. After a minute Pippin felt like he could talk without beginning to cry and he turned his head back to face Aragorn, but kept his eyes on his hands.

"I have nightmares almost every night" he said. "But Merry does not blame me for anything; it's nothing like that…"

"I'm listening" Aragorn said.

"He… We… Every time I see him in my dreams we argue about something. Sometimes he is mad at me for something, other times I am mad at him… We yell, we shout, we call each other names, we insult one another… We're just at each other's throats. Merry and I could quarrel when he was alive but not like we do in my dreams. Sometimes he is just so mean in my dreams that I don't even know who he is anymore. Other times he is sad and I am angry with him and it's just horrible that I yell at him even though I can see how upset he is. I've even had dreams where I've avoided him, and he's chased after me. It's scaring me Strider! I don't want to go to sleep! I've never been prone to nightmares before, but now my once happy dreams have turned into dreams of malice."

"I can't imagine why you're having these dreams" Aragorn said. "Perhaps there are things you haven't forgiven yourself for, and things you haven't forgiven him for, and when you're asleep you cannot keep them away."

"No, it's not like that" Pippin said. "We just argue. I don't know why, we just do. And the thing is Aragorn, I've never ever dreamt of Merry before. I cannot recall ever having a dream he was in. I know it sounds strange, but that's how it was. I might have been around him a lot during the day but never at night. And now…"

He could not longer keep his tears from falling. He rested his face in his left hand and tried to keep the sobs at bay. He didn't want to cry, he hated crying. And he knew Aragorn didn't want him to cry. Luckily Aragorn did not tell him to pull himself together. He let the Hobbit cry without commenting on it and wondered about these dreams.

"I don't understand it at all" the man admitted. "Perhaps if I had been as wise as Gandalf… But I realise how hard it must be for you."

"It's tearing me apart" Pippin said. "I cannot have it be like this, I cannot have my only time with Merry now spent arguing!"

"But it's not Merry" Aragorn said. "It's not. It's all in your head. Merry is gone, forever, and that means he's gone from our dreams too. All that is left is your own mind."

"But I hear his voice and I see his face… It is him Aragorn, it is him!"

"No. It is just your memory of him."

"I don't remember him the way he is in my dreams."

"Pippin didn't you just tell me that you didn't believe he would blame me as he does in my dreams? Then why would he argue with you the way he does in yours? Le us both not blame Merry for our own bad dreams."

"I miss him" Pippin sobbed. "I miss him so terribly much! I don't think we've ever been apart for this long, ever! And I can't have him back!"

Aragorn leaned over and pulled Pippin close. The Hobbit sobbed silently, but he did not cry as heavily as he had done with Gimli. He was too tired of being sad, and he didn't feel comfortable enough in Aragorn's arms to let himself go.

"Grief is nothing like I thought it would be" Pippin said after a few minutes. "During the war I was aware that I might die or that he might die, and if I lived and he didn't I would have to grieve the loss. I thought I would be inconsolable, always sad, and never able to do anything. It's not like that. I don't know what it's like, it's just… I don't know. He's gone and I don't understand why. As far back as I can remember he has always been there, but now he's not. It's painful! But I can't be sad all the time, I can't live like that! Yet whenever I smile people stare at me like I'm dishonouring him. That's not it at all. I just need to… go up to the surface and breathe. And I'm not sad all the time. There are times when I forget that I'm grieving, simply because you can't think about it all the time. It's always there in the back of your head, but there are long hours where I can forget. I need those hours Strider, otherwise I'll go mad."

"I know" Aragorn said.

Pippin broke the hug and wiped the tears from his cheeks. Twice in one night, that was more than he usually cried. He shook his head slowly.

"In some ways it's easier to grieve than I expected. In other ways it's so much more horrible. I can't believe what I'm going through. I can't believe he's truly gone. How am I supposed to live without him? We've been friends for as long as anyone can remember. And I've always known that other friends might come and go, but come rain come shine he would be there. I'm not prepared to be on my own, I don't know how to do it! A lifestyle is coming to an end. And I can't understand that this is what my life is going to be like. What kind of life will this be?"

"Pippin…" Aragorn said. "Life will go on for you, with or without Merry. I know it's painful now, you are not done saying goodbye. But a day will come when you can smile again without feeling guilt and when you can truly enjoy your life. You will never forget Merry, but you will go on without him. And learn to be grateful that you got all those years with his friendship instead of grieve the years you didn't get. And you're already on your way, I've seen you."

"I might be doing the same things I've always done but I only do them because if I don't I get too much time to think" Pippin said. "Frankly I don't want to do the things I used to, not since I lost my best friend. I don't want to do anything at all. But I know I have to. I don't want to read another book, ride another pony, or sing another melody. It's ridiculous, I know. And I know the feeling will fade eventually. I just don't think I've ever been truly depressed before and I'm not sure how to handle it…"

"It will get better" Aragorn said. "Remember that he wouldn't want you to lay down your life. He would want you to be happy."

"Not just me" Pippin said. "He'd want all of you to be happy. I know, because that's what I would have wanted. Let's not forget that I'm not the only one who has lost a friend. Honestly I don't want everyone to worry about me and put my sorrow first. I just want to be one in a crowd. I know you, Gimli and Legolas feel the loss as well."

"That we do… But not the way you do."

"There's plenty of grief enough to go around" Pippin said. "And I'd rather not claim more than my designated share. If you want to help me then help yourselves first. You are no support to me when you're not dealing with your own issues. Gimli is the only one of you who does that and he will be back on track much sooner than any of us. You should follow his example. No offence Strider, but he's helped me far more than you or Legolas."

"I want to help you" Aragorn said.

"Then help yourself first" Pippin said and rose from his chair. "It's late; I should be getting some sleep."

"Will you be able to go to sleep?" Aragorn asked.

Pippin paused for a moment. Aragorn rose as well and looked at him.

"Tell me what's on your mind right now."

"What's on my mind?" Pippin asked and sighed. "I'm alone. I'm surrounded by people but I'm alone. And I don't know that I can face another night alone. Let alone a whole lifetime. We used to be together Merry and I, everywhere we went and everything we did, us together, at all times. How do I let go of something like that?"

"First you need to realise that you were in fact not together always" Aragorn said. "You have been apart before. And you've always done just fine."

"But this time we are apart forever. Quite the difference. I've never had to face any real problems alone; during the war I had Gandalf when Merry and I were apart. Now I don't have anybody."

"You have friends and family."

"But it's not the same. How am I supposed to carry on? And live?"

"Pippin you must realise that your life is not over!"

Pippin walked past Aragorn and stared into the fireplace. It was typical Aragorn, he wanted Pippin to get a grip of himself and pull himself together. As if he had lost a tooth or a finger like Frodo had. Pippin knew the day would come when he would have to pull himself together and live life to the fullest again but right now he was at a different place. Right now he needed to feel the despair and the terrible sadness; he knew this, for otherwise he would never be done with those emotions. He wished his friend would understand this or at the very least leave it up to him to decide what was best for himself.

"I will never forget the way I feel right now" he said to the king. "But I want to feel it and then put it behind me. Please do not rush me. I will find the strength I need to let go of him but it takes time. Right now I cannot see the sun for the clouds, but I do find a rainbow every now and then through the rain. Forgive me if I'm sounding like one of Sam's poems…"

Aragorn couldn't help but smile.

"You can be poetic when you want to be, Master Took" he said. "But I think it's time for you to go to sleep now. Save your poetry for your dreams and perhaps then they will be pleasant."

"Perhaps" Pippin said and shrugged his shoulders. "I'm really quite tired… A few hours of sleep will do me good."

He walked past Aragorn towards the door but stopped before he went through it and turned to look at his friend.

"Strider… Thanks for the chat. It helped. Most of the things I said are thoughts I've never put into words before. It helped to get to do so. Thank you."

"Likewise" Aragorn said. "Now go to sleep!"

Pippin smiled slightly and left for his chambers. He crawled into bed and fell asleep almost right away. He slept for seven hours straight and did not have a single dream.

**XX  
XX**

Midsummer came and Aragorn tried to involve Pippin in the planning of the festivities as much as he could. Pippin was eager to help and found that it was just what he needed at the time. He helped out as much as he could and had a lot of fun while doing it. When Midsummer's Day came he served with the other citadel guards for the first time since his return to Minas Tirith. Most of the soldiers knew what had happened but none of them said anything. Pippin enjoyed feeling like everyone else for one evening.

Once he got off duty he made sure he got his fair share of the food, and then some, and sat down at the nearest table to eat. A few tables away he spotted the wife of one of the soldiers he had known during the war. The soldier had died and his widow had taken a job at the Houses of Healing to support her son. The sight of her made Pippin's good mood go away and he slowly lowered the hand which had just been about to serve him a large piece of ham.

Aragorn noticed him from his table and asked the soldier closest to him to send Master Peregrin over. The soldier went off and came back a minute later with a preoccupied Pippin in tow.

"You wished to see me, my lord" Pippin said formally and bowed.

"Have a seat, Master Perian" Aragorn said and motioned to the vacant chair next to him, which Pippin obediently sat down in. "Tell me, what is on your mind?"

"It just occurred to me that I have been ignoring some very pressing matters" Pippin said. "I have been so busy with my own troubles that I completely let it slip my mind that there are people back in the Shire who do not yet know of Merry's passing. They don't, do they?"

"No they don't" Aragorn said. "It's not the news you like to send over letter."

"Indeed it's not" Pippin said. "Aunt Esmeralda, she needs to find out. And Uncle Saradoc… They will be devastated! And Estella… She is going to be heartbroken!"

"Estella? Right, the lass Merry is betrothed to. **Was** betrothed to…"

"Poor lassie…" Pippin said. "She and Merry were going to have their wedding planned once he got back. Now she'll be receiving news of his death instead. I'm sorry Aragorn but I'm going to have to leave as soon as possible."

"I understand" Aragorn said. "However I require that you wait until Legolas returns. I'll send word and if he hasn't left yet I'll make sure that he does, and that he brings Gimli back with him. With orcs around I don't want you travelling by yourself. Not after what happened with your cousin. Legolas and Gimli will follow you back to the Shire. And if it's too much for you to handle they can speak with Merry's parents and his fiancée."

"No" Pippin said and shook his head. "It has to be me. They deserve that much and I owe it to Merry. But I will appreciate the company on the ride home."

Aragorn nodded.

"Then it is decided."

**XX  
XX**

Two weeks later Pippin set out for the Shire together with Legolas and Gimli. It was harder than he had thought to leave Gondor behind. He had never had to leave without Merry before. When they reached the boarders of Gondor Pippin turned around and gave a last wave to the lands, but above all to his cousin. This was really farewell for good.

**XXX  
XXX  
XXX**

Rewrites are going good, I'll be posting perhaps two chapters a week as it is now.

A huge thank you to all who have reviewed! It keeps me inspired while I'm re-writing. I just hope I won't lose your interest in the story further down the line...

And Estella will show up, that much I can promise. Though not for another few chapters. Sorry!


	7. By the Marble Cat

**Ithilien, June of 1436**

Pippin had thought he would have to brace himself for this but now that he was here it was quite simple. A lot of things had changed in the eleven years that had gone by. The gardens where he was standing were not the same as they had been all those years ago, nor the houses surrounding the garden or the castile. Eleven years was a long time. Yet Ithilien was still Ithilien and there was enough that remained the same for the experience to be unpleasant. However Pippin had not had any such feelings since his arrival.

It had been Sam's idea that Pippin travel to Gondor again. He had avoided going there for over a decade but Sam thought it was better that he went there and confronted his demons once and for all. It had to happen sooner or later and there was no time like the present.

Pippin's life had changed a lot over the course of the years. He was now Thain of the Shire and he had a wife and a son. He had been promoted from captain to general in the small Hobbit army and had taken a lot of interest in drilling the recruits. He had a good collaboration with Berilac Brandybuck, the Master of Buckland, and things were running smoothly in the Shire. Pippin was happy.

Over six years had passed by since Pippin had seen Merry in his dreams. He had worked through his grief faster than anybody had expected and gotten back on his feet to live his life again. But Sam had always had a concern for how he would react when he returned to Gondor, and he knew that sooner or later that day would come. He could not stay away forever. After a long period of trying to convince Pippin that a trip would be necessary Pippin had finally given in and agreed to ride to Gondor. He had been met up in Bree by Gimli and Legolas who had ridden with him to Ithilien, where he would meet Faramir and Éowyn for the first time since Merry's passing.

Now that he was here he felt quite good. It helped to see that life had continued in Ithilien as well. In Pippin's mind it had always been the same as the day he last left it but now he could see that people had soon forgotten what had happened and moved on. It felt good to see.

**XX  
XX**

On his first night in Ithilien Pippin dined with Faramir, as his guest. The Lady Éowyn did not attend the dinner. Pippin had a thousand and one questions to ask the steward and they remained at the table until it was time for supper. Faramir laughingly informed the Hobbit that he had never spent so much time in a row by a set table to which Pippin jokingly called him an amateur.

After his reunion with Faramir Pippin was left to himself much. A few days passed by which he spent walking around the areas he had known so well a decade ago, amazed by the time that had passed and how much that had happened.

He saw nothing of the White Lady. He was not even sure that she was in Ithilien; she might be visiting her brother in Rohan. Pippin had not seen much of her at all since they had ridden out together, he had almost forgotten about her oddly enough. He remembered once thinking that Merry probably would have wanted them to help each other through the grief but nothing like that had happened. Pippin didn't think much about her now either, she was a part of Merry's past but at this point Merry was a part of Pippin's past and he didn't want to live in the past anymore. He had done so for almost two years after Merry's death and it had been quite enough.

**XX  
XX**

One day he grabbed a pen and sat down with a journal in the gardens, writing a letter to his wife. He wondered how he would be able to tell her about this place, about the changes and about the things that were still the same. It was overwhelming, and Pippin was glad he had come to see it. He would have to write a letter to Sam as well and thank him for talking him into this. He had secretly been afraid of returning to Gondor but now he saw that there was nothing to fear. He had put the days of fear behind him.

While he was writing his letter he kept one ear sharpened to listen for anyone approaching. It was an old habit of his, he loved writing outdoors but he didn't want anybody to walk in on him. The letters he wrote always felt very personal no matter how trivial the topic and they were meant only for the receiver.

He could hear someone approaching and he put his pen down and lifted his head. He was surprised to see the Lady Éowyn appear, older than he had remembered her but still fair and still dressed in white. It had been a long time since the last time they came face to face. He put aside his journal and rose to bow.

"Master Peregrin" she said.

"Milady Éowyn."

"Am I disturbing you?"

"No, not at all" Pippin said and put his things down in his pack. "I was writing a letter but I can do that later. How can I be of service to you?"

"I was out for a walk through the gardens. Would you mind accompanying me? You never know what danger lures around the corners; a lady could do well with some protection. Who better to walk with me than the steward's favourite soldier?"

"Certainly, milady" Pippin said.

He walked up next to her and followed her in silence through the paths of the gardens, many of which he had never walked down before. Éowyn did not speak, but Pippin knew there was something on her mind.

"Milady…" he said. "Pardon me, but… A penny for your thoughts. I know that there is something on your mind that you wish to speak with me about. Both you and I know that there is no danger in these gardens, and if there were you would be far more capable to defend yourself than I would be."

Éowyn looked at him but didn't say anything. Pippin bit his lip and felt a bit uncomfortable. Had she always been this silent?

"Milady? Is there anything you would like to ask me? Or tell me?"

"No" she said. "There is nothing."

"Have the gardens grown dangerous in the years I've been gone?"

She paused for a while and then gave him an intense look, as if studying him. Pippin felt even more uncomfortable.

"I was told you had arrived" she said. "I just wanted to see you with my own eyes. Just wanted to… to know that you are still alive and well. He might be gone but you still remain. It's a comforting thought. I just wanted to look at you."

"I understand" Pippin said, though the truth was that he didn't. "Many years have passed by… I didn't know he was still constantly on your mind."

"I think of him every now and then" Éowyn said. "How could I not? And I don't know whether or not you are grieving still and I don't know how to talk to you, all I really know now is that you are still around and that makes me feel better. You don't have to say a word unless you want to; all I want is to have some company while walking."

Pippin nodded. Somewhere inside it made him feel good that she wanted to see him. It felt good that she saw him as a form of link to Merry. It was a reaffirment of the bond he had shared with his cousin, a bond a lot of people seemed to have forgotten about. Either forgotten about or remembered far too vividly.

"No, I'm not grieving still" he told her. "That was a long time ago… Sure he is on my mind every now and then, but you don't hold on to grief for ten years."

She looked at him through the corner of her eye but didn't say anything. Pippin shrugged his shoulders and smiled.

"We were close once, but life changed that and I was not about to be buried in grief over something I can never have back."

"Is there anything else to grieve but what you can't have back?" Éowyn asked.

"I couldn't let my life end the day his did. We were close, but we were not one and the same. It was strange to me at first, that he could be dead and I was still alive, breathing and thinking and feeling. But once I got past the first deep hurt I saw clearly that no matter how close we were it was still only a friendship. Something which was not an essential part of my survival. I could still breathe and think and feel without it. I'm not saying it didn't hurt, it hurt worse than anything else I've ever felt, but in the end I was still Pippin. I was able to say my final goodbye to him and continue on with my life."

"That's good" Éowyn said.

Pippin nodded. He walked by her side in silence, feeling he had nothing else to say. She didn't say anything either. Pippin didn't know what she had wanted him to say, but it felt as if he hadn't said it. It didn't matter to him though. It had been eleven years; they both knew they were over the loss by now.

**XX  
XX**

It seemed as if all of Ithilien was out this night. It was Midsummer's Eve and the annual festivities seemed jollier this year than it ever had before. Everyone had done their best to create a wonderful celebration, it seemed as if every home was filled with people celebrating the longest day of the year, and as the hour drew later people started spilling out into the streets to sing and drink together.

Those who lived at the castile had their own celebration in the gardens. The soldiers who had families brought them, the best musicians played and the best food was being served. A few Elves were even there to attend the party and they had brought with them Mirkwood wine of the finest kind.

When the sun had finally set on the longest day of the year Pippin drew himself closer and closer to the periphery of the party until he could slip away unnoticed. Not that he didn't still know how to party and drink ale, but he wanted to get away for a moment.

He made his way with haste through the gardens, a little lost at first since the gardens had changed a lot since the last time he had visited. But eventually he found his way and before long ended up where he had been aiming to go.

The spot was just like any other in the garden, only a small marble statue made it any different from the rest. Pippin let his hand gently run over the statue of a sitting cat and then kneeled on the ground and let his other hand run over the grass.

Hobbits did not have a custom of marking their graves. They did use specific spots for burial, but the exact location of each grave was marked only by a catalogue in the Mayor's office detailing who was buried where. Hobbits preferred letting their deceased live on through stories and memories rather than to visit them at their resting place and linger on the knowledge that they were dead. But to the humans this custom was too undignified, and nobody at the castile could come to peace with the idea of perhaps strolling over someone's grave without even knowing it. Especially when the grave was in the middle of the gardens. They always marked their graves, and when it was someone higher up on the social rank they usually had a marble statue made and placed atop the grave. Pippin had found the idea ridiculous. A marble statue might be grand for a human lord but not for a Hobbit. Eventually a compromise had been reached and the grave was marked by a marble figurine, not of the deceased but of something which seemed more like it belonged in the gardens.

Pippin had not visited the spot of Merry's burial since his return to Ithilien. He was glad he had found this secluded moment to do so, when everyone else was at the party and no one could disturb him. He wanted to be alone with Merry.

He didn't know for how long he had been kneeling by the grave when his solitude was disturbed by the White Lady's soft voice saying his name. He did not know for how long she had been standing here and he wished she hadn't come, but with the knowledge that the darkness shielded his blushing cheeks he looked up at her and acknowledged her presence with a nod.

"So you came" she said. "We have both been waiting for you to come."

Pippin rose and brushed the dirt off his pants without saying anything. Just like the time they had walked through the gardens earlier he didn't know what she wanted and he was getting tired of it. He wanted her to leave him alone and mind her own business; she sure hadn't bothered to see how he was doing when the grief had been fresh.

"I'm surprised you didn't come sooner" she said and took a step towards him. "I wondered what kept you so long. But after our talk the other day and now seeing you sneak away at night to come here I think I know the answer."

"Pardon me milady, but you don't know much" Pippin said.

"You miss him" she said. "You don't admit it to yourself even but you miss him. You've bought in to the lie that grief is an ugly thing and you've made sure that everyone around you believes that you are past grieving. But if you were then you wouldn't be here tonight at his grave."

"Yes I would" Pippin said. "I am here to pay my respects to an old friend. After all that we went through together it would be wrong to visit here without even visiting him. But it has nothing to do with grief."

Éowyn looked at him strangely but didn't say anything. Pippin averted his eyes and rested them on the marble cat, wishing the lady would leave him alone. He wanted this moment to himself; he would not get another chance to visit this place all by himself. But Éowyn stayed put.

"Is there any way I can be of service to you?" Pippin asked, only partly trying to hide how annoyed he was.

"You could be frank with me" Éowyn said. She walked over and put her hand on the cat's head in a gentle but protective manner. "Why are you hiding the truth from me, what is it you are ashamed of? Weren't you the one closest to him? Shouldn't you be able to talk to me, the one closest to him disregarding you? I think it still hurts when you think about what happened even though so many years have passed, and I think you should admit it. I think wherever Merry is he is greatly disappointed that his best friend of all people cannot admit that he misses him."

"I grieved him" Pippin said with a trembling voice. "My, how I grieved… But you don't understand what a Hobbit is like, we don't wallow in our sorrows the way the human race can do, we deal with it and we move on!"

"So why haven't you?"

Pippin turned his face away so that she wouldn't see the tear that found its way down his cheek. She had seen right through him, he had buried the truth so deep that he had almost forgotten about it himself. He knew that there was something wrong when he couldn't put the loss behind him.

"Don't you long for him?" she asked.

"I do…" Pippin admitted after much hesitation. "It happens. Most of the time I feel fine. But I can't deny that I do long for him on occasion… So much I feel I could burst sometimes. I just never got to work through it properly. People around me forgot much faster than I did! They acted as if I had lost a pony or a dog, sure it's sad but after a while you forget about it. But I couldn't, and that scared people."

"It doesn't scare me."

"It scares those who knew me back then, the soldiers who took part in the search! None of them dared to look me in the eye when I arrived here until they found out I was just the same as I had been before that happened. People cannot accept that the pain will never fully go away, of course I miss him, I always will, even though he's been gone nearly one fourth of my life. They act as if it's not a big thing that I lost him… But I miss him so much. They don't understand, they think we were just pals, and pals come and go. Is it so bloody impossible that we had a closer bond than that, that we loved each other? We were brothers, I depended on him!"

Éowyn didn't say anything now that he had started to speak, fearing that if she interrupted him in any way he would stop talking.

"How can I just let him go? Let go of the bond we shared? How could anyone ask that I just shrug my shoulders and pretend he never existed? They want me to forget about him. Why should I even try?" He paused and realised he was trembling. "I guess that's what I've done, isn't it?"

Éowyn looked unsure. She wasn't sure what he was asking her.

"Done?"

"I've done what they've wanted and forgotten about him and what we meant to one another. I've ignored how close I was with him. I haven't even dared to visit this place until I thought nobody could see me…"

Éowyn nodded. She wished she could tell him otherwise but she knew he was right. She had known it from the moment she overheard one of the soldiers mentioning to the steward that Master Peregrin had not been to visit the burial spot. It was the reason why she had sought him out, it seemed he had been burying his problems for a long time and now that he was here it was time to face them. She felt he owed it to himself and to Merry to acknowledge everything that he was denying, and she felt she owed it to Merry to help Pippin do so.

"Oh Milady what have I done?" Pippin asked. "He must be so disappointed with me! If our roles had been reversed and he had forgotten about me… But I know he wouldn't have. I feel so ashamed."

"We all know how sad you were when it happened" Éowyn said. "Nobody is denying that, we could all see how you were hurting even though you wouldn't let it show. You tried to be brave but we saw it anyways, that you were hurting. And that was as it should, that you hurt when he died. You just stopped too soon, that's all. And not too soon for **his **sake but for your own."

"It was so unexpected. I never thought I would have to say goodbye while I was so young. There is no word I hate more than goodbye, saying goodbye is the hardest thing we ever have to do. For a lot of years I was lost, but I wouldn't realise it. Now I'm lost in a different way…"

"There are many people here in Gondor who have had to face the loss of someone they care deeply about. This generation has seen more loss than any generation should. A friend, a brother, a father, a cousin, a lover, a child… The list goes on and on. It may not seem like it but there is a great deal of understanding to be found here."

Pippin nodded and glanced over at the marble cat which kept constant guard over the spot. It was an odd compromise, to place a marble cat there to watch over his cousin. Merry had never been particularly fond of cats, at least not as far as Pippin could recall. But cats seemed to have some special meaning to the people of Gondor. Pippin felt a dog would have been much more suiting. A dog was a known watchkeeper, and dogs were loyal and trustworthy.

Éowyn interrupted his thoughts.

"I was hoping that just by being here again you would remember that which you're trying to forget" she said. "There is a reason why you won't face the truth, and I think you can find that reason here."

"Do you know what the reason is?" Pippin asked.

"I think only you know what the reason is."

"This place hasn't helped me remember so far…" He shook his head. "That's half a lie. I do remember, more than I thought I would. Just nothing helpful. There are so many memories here…"

"It might take some time."

"It's taken me a decade so far" Pippin said. "I do remember, milady… I remember very vividly, so many things. But I don't know what that reason you speak of is. I remember even though it's hard to remember, I remember with joy and with sorrow…"

"That's what memories are like."

Pippin was quiet for a moment.

"Merry knew he was going to die."

"Sorry?" Éowyn said, taken aback by the sudden comment.

"He knew he was going to die. He talked to me so funnily the last time we met. Said some odd things… He knew."

"I don't believe he knew anymore than you did."

"When I find the key perhaps I will also be able to forgive myself for not realising then and there that there was something wrong. No, that's a lie. I knew there was something wrong. But I didn't have time to ask him what it was. I failed him. And he knew, yet he forgave me before his death."

"I hope you can find the key you need" Éowyn said, eager to change the subject. "Something has to be changed, Peregrin, you cannot go on this way. I remember how it was way back then, how you lived in a world filled with pain with little room for any light to shine through… I look at you now and I still see you in that world. Yes there is light now, but the pain remains."

"There is light in my life" Pippin said with a smile. "Ever since I met my wife there has been plenty of light… I am very happy now Milady, that is as true as me standing here. There used to be a time when I would trade every single tomorrow for just one yesterday but now I wouldn't trade an hour…"

"Yet in spite of this happiness there is something not quite right with you."

"I wouldn't say that" Pippin said. "I'm just not the same Hobbit I used to be. But truth be told the change might have been for the better."

"A moment ago you were talking about how much you miss him, now you're saying that things are better this way."

Pippin shrugged his shoulders.

"Maybe what was wrong with me, as you put it, was that I hadn't admitted these things to myself… But now I have and it feels like a huge burden has been lifted off my chest. And for the first time I truly feel that it is alright for me to feel content with what my life is like now. As I said, I am happy. And that is alright."

"Of course it is."

"Milady if you don't mind… I would like to finally say goodbye."

"Certainly" Éowyn said and drew back into the shadows.

Before she left the spot she turned and looked at Pippin, kneeling by the marble cat. She still couldn't shake the feeling that there was something wrong but she decided to disregard the feeling. She had never been close with Peregrin, she might have been able to read Merry's mind with great skill but Pippin was entirely different. And the Hobbit did seem at peace.

She walked back to the party, leaving Pippin and Merry alone.


	8. Only One of Two

**Ithilien, July of 1436**

Gimli and Legolas walked together through the halls of the Ithilien castile. Neither of them had said a word all morning, but Gimli was used to Legolas' silence by now. The Elf had never been very talkative, most of the time Gimli did almost all the talking, but lately Legolas had been even more quiet than normal. They had travelled with Pippin from the Shire to Ithilien and during that travel Legolas had not spoken a word to Pippin save from what he couldn't avoid. Pippin hadn't seemed to notice but Gimli noticed it far too clearly. Now they were here to bring Pippin to Minas Tirith and Gimli had a strong feeling Legolas wouldn't speak more often with Pippin this time around. It had been the same when they had escorted the Hobbit to the Shire all those years ago, this time would hardly be any different.

"Legolas…" he said. "What are you going to say to the little one?"

"On the subject of what?" Legolas asked, seemingly indifferent to the urging tone in Gimli's voice.

"On the subject of anything at all. I think he might need you to talk with him a little more. It's been eleven years."

"Gimli my friend, you must have me confused with a man" Legolas said and the hint of a smile appeared on his face. "Elves can reside in their memories in a whole other way than you can."

That answer merely puzzled Gimli and he decided to let it be. They were shown in to the throne room where Faramir was waiting for them. They had been invited to stay overnight, an invitation which they had gladly accepted since they preferred starting out their journey in the morning.

Pippin was not present when they arrived. Faramir informed them he was off training the sons of some of the soldiers in swordplay. Pippin's height made him ideally suited for the children to practice together with and for the past week this had been his main occupation. Many of the soldiers got a good laugh from the old war hero fencing with children but what Pippin thought of the whole thing was unknown.

After meeting with Faramir Gimli and Legolas went to see their Hobbit friend. They found him giving instructions to an eleven year-old who was taller than Pippin himself. When he saw his two friends he told the child they would continue some other time and went up to greet the Elf and the Dwarf.

"So you have arrived" he said. "It's nice to see you again so soon. My lord Faramir tells me you have accepted the invitation to stay overnight. Good decision. They're serving a lovely steak tonight which I would have been sad to miss."

"How have you been, Master Halfling?" Gimli asked.

"Peachy" Pippin said with a grin. "But I'm more than ready to leave now. I came here to confront the past and so I have. Now I want to see Strider and make myself useful doing something other than fencing with children."

Pippin gave Gimli a welcoming hug, but when he turned to Legolas the Elf excused himself and left to tend to the horse. Pippin gave Gimli a questioning look. He knew very well that the horse would be properly taken care of and it was not like Legolas to question something like that.

"Tell me Master Dwarf…" Pippin said and began walking together with Gimli. "Have I done something to upset our Elf friend? It seems I can't remember the last time he spoke with me willingly or interacted with me at all without looking troubled."

"No you haven't done anything wrong" Gimli assured him. "Don't let it get to you. Elves are queer, we both know that."

"What is the problem then?" Pippin asked, ignoring the comment on the queerness of the Elves. "I wish for you to tell me. I'd rather know so I can fix it than walk around wondering what I've done."

"It's not something you have done" Gimli said. "Just forget about it Pippin. There's nothing you can do."

"Gimli" Pippin said firmly. "If it's not something I have done, what is it then?"

Gimli was quiet for a moment, thinking it through. He didn't know for sure what the issue was but he had a pretty good idea. However he didn't want to say anything to the Hobbit without knowing for sure.

"Come to think of it he's been acting this way since the last time I visited Ithilien" Pippin said. "After Merry's death I couldn't get any contact with him at all, he just drew away from me. Not that I minded at the time, I was just happy to be left alone… But now I wonder… Was I that much of a bother?"

"No it's not you" Gimli repeated. "I think it's just… well…"

"Don't beat around the bush with me Gimli, I know you're not the type to do so" Pippin said. "Whatever it is you can tell me."

Gimli hesitated before answering.

"He… liked Merry better, that's all."

"Excuse me?"

"Now don't get me wrong" Gimli said. "He cared for you both, you know he did and still does. But he did favour Merry."

Pippin looked hurt.

"I wasn't aware of that."

"Don't get me wrong laddie, it's just that Merry was a bit more… old for his years than you were. I guess that appealed to an Elf. Me, I always found myself partial to your mischievous spirit. It's just the way things work, my friend. You two may have stuck together but you were two different Hobbits and I guess it's hard to avoid ending up favouring one over the other. But we loved you both and we still do."

"Even so, what does that have to do with this?" Pippin asked. "So he cared more for Merry! That's no reason to act this way around me now. Eleven years after the fact! Gimli does Legolas wish I had been the one to die and not Merry?"

"I wouldn't go that far" Gimli said. "But Pippin perhaps you should have this talk with Legolas instead of with me?"

"Indeed I should" Pippin said and crossed his arms with a sullen look on his face. "Indeed I will."

**XX  
XX**

Pippin found Legolas in the gardens, the most likely place for any Elf to be. Legolas seemed deep in thought when Pippin found him and he didn't look up even when Pippin harked his throat to get his attention.

"If it's not too much trouble could I have a word with you?" Pippin asked firmly.

"Is it urgent?" Legolas asked without opening his eyes. "There will be plenty of time to talk later."

"There is no reason why we cannot talk here and now" Pippin said and strode up to the Elf. "All I want is some answers from you. Answers to why you are treating me like I don't even exist anymore! Answers to why you wish I had died and not Merry!"

Legolas opened his eyes.

"My friend, I have never expressed any such opinion."

"You liked him better, didn't you?" Pippin said, feeling more and more hurt by each minute. "You cared more for him than for me. That is fine, that is up to you. But I will not call you my friend even a minute longer if you I truth wish that he was still here rather than me. It's not my fault that he is gone! And I don't need your reasons for justifying it, just tell me flat out whether I am wrong or not!"

Legolas rose to his feet and offered Pippin a faint smile.

"I do not miss Merry the way you do" he said.

"I know, you couldn't possibly."

"I don't for the simple reason that I can be with him whenever I please. Us Elves have that ability, to see our memories as vividly as if they were happening right this moment. When you remember someone that vividly you do not need to miss them."

"Then what is the problem?" Pippin asked with frustration. "Why won't you talk to me other than when you are forced to? Why won't you look me in the eye unless you just cannot avoid to? Why do you treat me like I carry some disease which might infect you if you stay in my presence for more than a minute at a time? It has been that way ever since his death and there must be some reason for it. Otherwise you are not my friend and brother."

"It's not that I wish you were in his place" Legolas said and began to walk away. "The thought of trading one for the other has never occurred to me."

"Don't walk away from me! If you do then we are no longer friends."

Legolas stopped.

"That is the third time today that you have threatened to end our friendship. You have grown hostile over the years."

"In truth that friendship died the day Merry did. You haven't treated me fair for a single second since that happened. And I want to know why. I deserve to know why"

The Elf turned around and took a good look at Pippin for the first time in eleven years. The look only lasted for a few seconds and then he looked away again.

"It's not that he is gone" Legolas said. "Not that you survived when he did not. It's seeing you now."

"Seeing me?"

"Seeing you alone, without him."

Pippin was taken aback. He had not known what to expect from Legolas during this confrontation, but this was not it.

"You were always so close" Legolas said. "Always together. I cannot get used to seeing just one of you; I keep expecting to see the other standing nearby. And I fear it is too much for me to handle. I cannot escape into my memories when seeing you and being forced to face the truth that there is only one of you now. I still can't believe he's gone. I drew back when Merry had just died because when I saw the devastation in your face it was like losing you both."

"But I'm still here" Pippin said, in a much softer tone than before. "He is gone but I remain. Eleven years, Legolas! The Hobbits you remember are part of the past, this Hobbit is on his own now. And I'm doing well. If you had taken the time to speak with me you would know that. Yes I was sad when he died, what else could I be, but life went on. I am perfectly capable of living my life without him, we were friends but we were not always together as you seem to remember it. He was my cousin and my best friend but he died and there's nothing wrong with me being without him now. And we did not spend every waking minute together when he lived; surely you must have memories of one of us being without the other…"

"Your cousin… Best friends…" Legolas shook his head. "Pippin no one could ever have guessed you were even related. You were very different from one another. Too different. Only together did you seem whole."

"There is someone else in my life to fill that space now" Pippin said. "If you can relive the old days through your memories then do so if it works for you. But open your eyes, take a good look at me and see that I am **not** merely Merry's shadow. Stop treating me like I'm worth nothing without him."

With a chill running down his spine Pippin left Legolas alone and hurried back to his duties. He was furious with the Elf, he hated being chained to the past this way. Why was it that people either expected him to have forgotten completely or to not having forgotten anything at all? All he wanted was to live his life as it was now but when even his closest friends wouldn't let him he felt more claustrophobic than ever before in his life. At that moment he wished he hadn't returned to Ithilien. He would rather have stayed in the Shire without getting any closure than to know what he had just learned from someone he had once considered a trusted friend and brother.

**XX  
XX**

Éowyn could not sleep. Having tossed and turned for a good couple of hours she decided to get out of bed and get some fresh air. The dress she had worn earlier in the day was still lying out and she quickly put it on in case she would run into one of the soldiers on night patrol. With a light in her hand she set out for a walk through the gardens.

The gardens were quiet this time of night. A pale moon light lit up the path before her with the help of her candle but she would probably have been able to find her way even without any light. She walked around aimlessly for a while and without noticing it came near Merry's burial spot. In the pale light she could spot a figure lying on the ground and her heart skipped a beat as she for a moment thought she was seeing a ghost. Then she realised it was not the buried Halfling resting on the ground but the living one.

"Master Peregrin what are you doing out here at this time of night?" she asked and hurried over.

Pippin bolted up to a sitting position when he heard her voice and looked deeply troubled with having been caught.

"You should be in bed!" Éowyn exclaimed. "You have an early journey tomorrow!" Then she saw the tear tracks on his cheeks. "Is there something the matter?"

"Nothing…" Pippin slowly said, staring straight into space without really seeing anything. "Just something Legolas said."

"What did Legolas say?"

"That it was too strange for him to see just me instead of both me and Merry." Another tear fell down Pippin's cheek. "I had forgotten that pain! How could I have forgotten? It was the hardest bit of all!"

"What was?" Éowyn asked and sat down next to him on the ground.

A few more tears fell down Pippin's cheeks. For once he didn't even try to hinder them. The night was chilly for a July night and he was only wearing a light summer garment, but he didn't seem to be freezing. He didn't seem to be feeling anything at all except for what was in his heart.

"What was the hardest bit, Master Peregrin?"

"To be just me" Pippin said. "Only me. We were always together Merry and I, we sought out each other's company and that was how it was. People were used to seeing us together; I was used to having him around whenever we were both free to do whatever we chose. The worst part of his death Milady was that I was suddenly so desperately alone. Always having to be one, alone, where two always were before. And people saw it! Of course they did, here comes old Pip Took all alone, his companion is not there anymore. They had trouble getting used to it and it showed. I was never allowed to forget! That look they would give me… it was horrible! Nobody knew what to say or how to treat me and in the end they just made the whole thing worse! If they had just treated me the same as before I would have gotten over knowing that I was all alone now, but you cannot forget what people constantly shove in your face! It took me years to grow accustomed to being just Pippin where there used to be a Merry as well. I keep my wife near me as much as I can, I know she finds it annoying sometimes but I just cannot be alone for too long. It frightens me! I'm not used to being all alone."

"I'm sure nobody meant any offence to you" Éowyn said. "People just never know what to say to those who have lost something they value a lot."

"It's funny… I used to walk beside him wherever I went. I'm so used to that, eleven years has not been enough time to completely rid me of that habit. I still think he's walking there beside me, I know it's silly but I honestly think that sometimes, but when I turn to talk to him… There's just an empty space. Just… air where there used to be a Hobbit."

"Maybe he is gone" Éowyn said. "But the memories aren't. And the friendship you got from him will always be here."

"It's not the same."

"No it's not. But it's still something. And I think it's promising that you are able to recognise these things now instead of hiding them and telling yourself that you are over what happened. I do not think you can truly get over every loss. Life moves on and is lived with great joy, but when you've lost someone very close to you that loss is kept with you. But in truth Master Peregrin nothing has changed. Has your friendship come to an end because of his untimely death? Has it? Will you not still be friends when you meet again on the other side of life?"

"You are right" Pippin said. "Even though he's gone we're still friends."

"Then what does the rest matter?"

"Perhaps Legolas had a point in what he said about memories… Perhaps even a Hobbit can remember things so vividly that they seem to be happening all over again. I know I have the power to bring him back in my mind. During the first year after his death I would often close my eyes to be with him when I felt troubled. Just by closing my eyes he felt nearer to me."

"I've heard many people say the same thing about loved ones they lost during the War" Éowyn said. "I can still see my uncle very vividly if I close my eyes."

"Effective, isn't it? I haven't used that comfort for a long time… It's been almost ten years, in fact! But then tonight I really needed it… I'm glad Sam talked me into coming here. I've conquered many of my demons, there were a lot of things I needed to sort out and I didn't even know it."

"Samwise is a wise Hobbit" Éowyn said with a nod. "He sees things sometimes which others don't pick up on."

"I am ready to fully move on now" Pippin said. "For good. For real. I feel I can finally dry the tears I've never cried and… contact the living. I'll never be able to understand just how I managed to let him off my mind for so long but at least now I can do it the right way."

"You've found your key, I assume."

"I guess I have" Pippin said. "I've tried so hard to convince myself that he is really not coming back and that I'm okay with it. After all these years now I know that I needed to feel some things before I could put them aside. I am not fully finished with doing so but at least I am on my way."

"I'm glad to hear it" Éowyn said. "But now you really must get into bed, Master Peregrin! You have an early day tomorrow!"

Pippin rose from his spot and took her offered hand. Together they walked back towards the castile. He remembered that he once thought she was so much stronger than him. Now he was sure he was right.


	9. The Prince and the Fellowship

**Minas Tirith, July of 1436**

A smile crept across Aragorn's face as his newly arrived guest kneeled before him. He got up from his throne and placed a hand on the Hobbit's shoulder.

"You've been away for a long time" he said. "But have you really been away for so long that you've forgotten that I wish you not to bow to me?"

"I always forget that as soon as you've said it" Pippin assured and rose.

"Old friend, it's good to see you" Aragorn said and hugged the Halfling.

"And it is good to be seen" Pippin replied. "My, you did not have that many grey strains in your hair the last time I was here! Don't tell me you are growing old?"

With a laugh Aragorn sent Pippin on his way to unpack his things in his old chambers. After all these years it was nice to finally have him back in the halls of Minas Tirith. Aragorn had begun to doubt that Pippin would ever muster up the courage to return to Gondor and he was glad that he had been proven wrong. Perhaps he had underestimated the Hobbit ability to shrug any sorrow. Whatever the case might be, it was about time that Pippin came back to Minas Tirith.

**XX  
XX**

"How are your dreams?" Aragorn asked that night when they were having a late supper together, just the two of them.

"My dreams?"

"When last you were here you were haunted by nightmares."

"I haven't had a single dream about Merry for years" Pippin said. "Though I do have the occasional nightmare. Just a week ago I dreamt that there was a mushroom famine in the Shire! You laugh, but it was horrid!"

"Still the same old Pippin" Aragorn noted with a chuckle.

"Of course" Pippin said. "I haven't changed."

"That makes me happy to hear" Aragorn said. "And I've learned you are doing a fine job since you took over your father's office. I've been keeping my eye on you Hobbits; the Shire is one of my provinces after all. It seems it is resting in very capable hands, you and Samwise are managing it beautifully."

"And Berilac Brandybuck" Pippin added. "Though he's got Buckland on his hands. Not really the Shire."

Aragorn laughed.

"I thought you were all Shire folk. As far as I'm concerned Buckland is within Shire boarders, whatever your maps might say."

"You're the king, I cannot argue with you."

"Is that so? I seem to recall you being an expert at doing just that."

Pippin shrugged his shoulders with a slight smile and returned his attention to the meal. He was glad to finally be in Minas Tirith, the journey had not been long but it had been awkward. Earlier Legolas had felt uncomfortable around Pippin but now Pippin felt uncomfortable around Legolas as well, creating a situation where the only one whom everyone felt comfortable with was Gimli. Gimli had been anything but happy about the situation which had resulted in all three of them being in a gloomy mood. It was a relief when the journey had ended.

"For how long will you be staying this time?"

"A month" Pippin said. "I wish I could stay for longer, but I've been away from home long enough already. I long to see my family again."

"Are you lonesome?"

The question came so abruptly it made Pippin pause his hand in the middle of bringing the fork to his mouth. He looked up at Aragorn.

"What do you mean?"

"Exactly what it sounded like. Are you lonesome?"

"Without my family? Both no and yes. I wish I could be with them, but I am not alone here. I have my old friends here."

"What about in the other aspect? Are you lonesome that way?"

"I'm not sure what you mean" Pippin said avoidingly and continued his meal.

"I think you do."

With a sigh Pippin put his fork down.

"Please Strider, not you too! Really! Why must I have this conversation with everyone I see here?"

"You've been away for so long. We only ask because we care."

"I'm doing just fine. Better than fine. Yes life is different from what I would have thought it to be, but no, I'm not sad or lonely. I've moved on. You tall folk here might not be able to grasp that but it's true. Time did not stop eleven years ago and neither did life."

"It's hard to know how you are doing my fiend when you are not around" Aragorn said calmly. "I know you have stayed away and I understand the reasons why. I also know that a large part of that reason is your new responsibilities in the Shire, both to your office and to your family. All I'm saying is that your letters haven't been very descriptive and I don't know where your mind is now. So I asked."

"Strider it's not that I don't appreciate the concern" Pippin said. "It's just that the concern is a little dated. We're talking about a full decade; I have come a long way since the Hobbit who was afraid to go to sleep because he feared he might be haunted by nightmares. And having this conversation with everyone I used to know is getting old!"

"Don't take it too seriously then" Aragorn said. "Perhaps we don't talk to you about it merely for your sake… Perhaps it is for our own, to get to confirm with you that it's okay that time has paid its price. I think for the most of us it feels good to have your consent and understanding. As you've said, it's been a decade. Right when you've lost someone you think you will remember them vividly every day of the rest of your life. But the truth is it doesn't work that way. The memory of his face, it fades sometimes."

"Yes I know what you mean" Pippin said. "Memories come and go. Some of them fade while others become stronger. But even I have trouble remembering what he looked like. There are times when I cannot for the life of me recall the sound of his voice. And that is okay. Aragorn neither you nor anybody else is in need of my blessing. Haven't we all lost a lot of people dear to us during the War? Why should this loss be any different from those? Truth be told Strider I have never been this close to leaving my past behind and it feels good. None of us ought to linger in the things that were. We will get to see his face again and hear his voice again, on the other side of time, so why waste any energy on trying to bring them back to life now?"

"You have grown wise over the years" Aragorn said.

"I don't know about that" Pippin said. "But I know I've matured. Honestly, I wasn't growing the way I ought to have when we were together. I never needed to develop half of me because I had that half in him. Perhaps that is why he had to die, so that I could become me completely."

"You think there was a reason?"

"Don't you? I can't believe anybody dies for no reason."

"If there was I do not believe the reason had anything to do with you" Aragorn said. "The reason was that he encountered orcs when he was alone. Let's not read anything more into it. It's good to see you doing so well, Pippin. For a while there we were afraid we were going to lose you too."

"It really hurts my feelings that you didn't have higher thoughts of me than that" Pippin said with a grin. "Shouldn't you know by now that I always bounce back?"

"Indeed you do" Aragorn said.

**XX  
XX**

Pippin pulled the covers of the bed up to his nose and sighed contently. He was quite tired and with a full stomach it was nice to crawl into bed. Though he wouldn't admit it to Faramir the linen was much softer and nicer in Minas Tirith than it was in Ithilien, Pippin had a feeling he would sleep better this night than he had for many weeks. He almost felt he could purr just like a cat.

Through the door he could hear the footsteps of servants passing through the halls. It seemed not even night time was completely silent at the citadel. Pippin had forgotten how there always seemed to be someone going about their business at the citadel, no matter what the hour. When he was younger he sometimes found himself bothered by it, just as he was about to go to sleep someone would walk by outside and his keen Hobbit ears would pick up on it and make him alert again. Nowadays it felt comforting, it felt just like it should being back in Minas Tirith.

The next morning he had a busy schedule. Aragorn had asked him to train the young prince in swordsmanship, having heard from Faramir that Pippin was ideally suited for such tasks. Aragorn had hinted that if things went well he would assign Pippin to Prince Eldarion during the rest of his stay, to be a teacher and a companion. Pippin thought it sounded great, he looked forward to getting to spend some time with Aragorn's son. Although he wouldn't mind getting out of fencing duty. Swordsmanship had never been his favourite thing and was never going to be.

**XX  
XX**

To Pippin's great joy Aragorn soon decided to assign the Hobbit to other duties than sword practice. Pippin found himself being the new esquire to the prince and realised almost right away that it was no easy job. Not only did Prince Eldarion have a busy schedule but as it turned out he was quite the handful whenever he had a moment to spare. Pippin had only been in his service for one hour before Eldarion was missing. It took him twenty minutes to find the young prince, who had gone off in a different direction when Pippin had had his back turned. It seemed Eldarion had no patience to sit still and wanted to be busy with something all the time, which seemed to explain the busy schedule. Pippin had a very hectic time keeping up with him.

Though in spite of his restless nature which forced Pippin to constantly be on his toes, Pippin found he liked the young prince and was happy to be in his company. The boy was intelligent and happy to learn, in some ways quite old for his years. He was always interested in a good story, and Pippin, like any Hobbit, loved to tell stories. Eldarion could sit and listen for ages while Pippin went through stories which could honestly bore even the most interested Hobbit child. But Eldarion seemed to love it. It was fortunate, for Pippin was able to use his stories to keep the prince under tabs. Whenever there was a spare moment it was time for another story.

Pippin's stories were all old Shire tales he had grown up listening to. That, or they were Shire history, long detailed stories about who had done what when and how who was related to whom. Eldarion seemed to like hearing about it and it pleased Pippin that the future king took such interest in the Shire. It boded well for the future. Though Aragorn dryly commented at one occasion that if Pippin wanted Eldarion to think highly of the Shire then perhaps it was time to stop boring him with the complete Shire history.

**XX  
XX**

One afternoon Pippin was crawled up in an armchair with his pipe in his mouth and a book in his hands, catching up on his reading while Eldarion was studying. Pippin had gotten his hands on some mighty fine pipe weed and was happy to get a chance to smoke it, these days his schedule had little time left for such pleasures. Eldarion's study time was the perfect opportunity to catch up on his smoking; with the boy bent over his books Pippin had some peace and quiet.

After a while Eldarion looked up from his book on Gondorian geography and glanced over at the small figure in the armchair blowing smoke rings like he never did anything else. Eldarion was bored by now with studying and wanted something else to do. A smile crept across his face.

"My lord Peregrin!" he said.

"Mmmmm?" Pippin said without looking up from his book.

"Tell me a story!"

"You're supposed to be studying. Let your geography book tell you a story."

"I want to **hear** a story! I'm done reading about geography now anyways, can't I get one little story before I go on to do my history reading?"

Pippin glanced over at the clock on the wall. Eldarion had been studying well for a good forty minutes now. That was quite impressing; Pippin's own son could never keep interest up for more than twenty. It seemed appropriate to reward him with a story.

"Alright then" Pippin said and put down his pipe and book. "What do you wish to hear about? Perhaps a story on how old Isumbras III went about digging out the north hall of the Great Smials?"

"Actually I would like to hear about something other than that" Eldarion said with an important look on his face.

"Very well then" Pippin said and went over to sit down next to him. "What do you wish to hear about?"

"Can I pick anything at all?"

"You may come with suggestions."

The smile on Eldarion's face grew even wider. He gave Pippin his most pleased look and hoped the Hobbit wouldn't say no.

"Tell me about the Fellowship of the Ring!"

"The Fellowship of the Ring?" Pippin echoed. He hadn't heard anybody refer to their old company by that name for a very long time. "Where did you hear about them?"

"The ladies here are all about the gossip" Eldarion said. "I've heard about it before when I was younger, I know it was something about the war. Then there was nothing about it for years. Since you arrived it has been talked about again. I conclude that you must have something to do with it and I would be much interested in hearing all about it! It sounds very exciting! What is a fellowship anyway?"

Pippin laughed.

"I don't know that _exciting_ is the word to use" he said. "A fellowship is a companionship, a group of people who are joined together for some purpose. In this case to protect and accompany a ringbearer."

"What is a ringbearer?"

"Now that is a whole other story!"

"But were you part of the fellowship?"

"Indeed I was. And your father was too."

"He was?"

"Yes. Legolas the Elf and Gimli the Dwarf were as well. There were five others as well, but they have all passed on or sailed west, save for one who lives in the Shire."

"Tell me more! Tell me all about it!"

Pippin chuckled.

"Really, there is not much more to tell. The nine of us travelled together, then we were separated but we continued to share a bond with one another… It's hard to explain, but imagine you have a group of best friends. And even though you might not always be all together and there might be other people with you, you still have a sense of belonging with those friends that you don't have with the others around you. They are your special friends and will always be just that."

"So that's all the fellowship is?" Eldarion said with noticeable disappointment. "A group of friends?"

"That doesn't sound grand to you?"

"I have friends of my own" Eldarion said. "There's nothing special about it. Everybody has friends."

"I have other friends as well" Pippin said. "But none like the members of my fellowship. You will perhaps understand one day. I think you are still too young."

Eldarion looked sceptical. Without saying anything else he opened up his history book and began to read. Pippin went back to his pipe and book, amazed by the experience of Eldarion choosing to study over getting further into a story. Apparently the fellowship was hugely disappointing to him. He had obviously expected a more exciting explanation than that the fellowship was a group of friends. With a crooked smile on his face Pippin thought that the young prince could have gotten some much more entertaining information if he had only asked what the fellowship had **done** rather than what they **were**. Until Eldarion asked to hear about it Pippin would not tell. He enjoyed sitting on lots of information without letting it show. It was good practice in problem solving for the prince and great fun for Pippin.

**XX  
XX**

It took Eldarion a week to bring up the subject of the fellowship again. By then he had investigated the subject as best as he could with his young years and knew a bit more of what he was asking about.

"I know you were important during the war" he said to Pippin with a content grin on his face.

"Who, me?"

"The fellowship!"

"Oh, that" Pippin said and shrugged his shoulders. "Well weren't we all? It is not difficult to be important during the war, either you are important or you are too oppressed to be. We were all free people; of course we ended up being important. Just like every soldier who bled for Gondor and for Middle-Earth!"

Eldarion looked disappointed.

"Oh."

"Perhaps you ought to dig a little deeper into the source of information you have found" Pippin said. "You might find there is a lot to learn."

Eldarion's interest peaked up again.

"So you were important! Important enough to be mentioned by your own names still, and not just as one of the soldiers!"

"We were soldiers" Pippin calmly said. "I am guard of the citadel, am I not? Your father is king and led his troops to victory at that time. Gimli and Legolas are both skilled warriors, as were those in the fellowship who are no longer among us."

"That doesn't make me much wiser" Eldarion complained with a sigh.

**XX**

**XX**

After another week had gone by, when Pippin only had ten more days before his return to the Shire, Prince Eldarion had figured out how to put his words in order to be told something really interesting.

"Please tell me about the siege of Gondor!" was the first request.

And Pippin told him a child friendly version of the siege.

"Please tell me about when Father was crowned king!"

And Pippin told him the story.

"Tell me about the time you saved Lord Faramir!"

After two days Pippin had told him five different stories of the fellowship, and the young prince only got more and more interested. He tried to get some hints from his father on what interesting stories there was to hear about but Aragorn didn't tell him anything. So he went to other sources, and once even managed to get a suggestion from Legolas. Pippin told him about whatever he asked him, but after the first couple of stories Eldarion grew tired of hearing about people he didn't know anything about. He did not know Legolas or Gimli very well, and he could not relate to the stories he was told about his father, so in the end that left only stories about Pippin. Pippin found it quite awkward to retell his own actions but the child ate it up as fast as Pippin could dish it out.

"Tell me about when you swore allegiance to Lord Denethor!"

And Pippin told him about it.

"Tell me about when you fought at the battle of the Pelennor Fields!"

Pippin smiled.

"You have been misinformed, my young prince. I never took any part in that battle. I was inside the besieged city, remember?"

Eldarion frowned.

"But I am so sure I heard them say you fought out on the fields!"

"There was **a** Perian out on the fields. But it was not me."

"What happened to him?"

"He died."

Eldarion pondered that and then decided to drop the subject for now. Instead he had something else he wanted to hear about.

"Tell me about when you destroyed that ring!"

Pippin laughed.

"Slow down here, my lord! That was most definitely not me!"

"Was it that other Perian?"

"No it was yet another Perian. There were four of us."

"What happened to the other two?"

"One is the Mayor of the Shire. The other sailed West a long time ago."

Eldarion thought that over.

"So you did not really do all that much?"

"Oh I beg your pardon, young prince! I saved the steward's life, that ought to count for something!"

"And you swore allegiance to the house of Gondor" Eldarion remembered. "I'm glad you did. I like you."

"I accept that praise with gratitude, my prince" Pippin said. "I am also quite happy I swore my allegiance. And I'm glad your father decided to let me serve you. It has been a real learning experience."

Eldarion looked troubled over something. He thought in silence for a moment and then put words to his thoughts.

"All seven of you seemed to be doing so many different things during the War!"

"Nine" Pippin corrected. "There were nine of us."

"It's very hard to keep track of who did who! I bet there are a million exciting stories waiting to be told, but I will never find out what they are this way! I don't know what way to turn with all you nine being scattered like that!"

"No, most of the time we were quite unified" Pippin said. "None of us were ever alone. Save for one, the same one who fought out at Pelennor. He was the only one to be travelling without the company of another fellowship member."

"How come?"

"I can't remember" Pippin said. "And it doesn't matter now. Tell me young prince, why does this all interest you so?"

"Because I spend all my day with you, and I see my father every day. Masters Legolas and Gimli are often around even if I do not know them well. These stories are **your** stories; it makes them so much more interesting when they are about people you know!"

"I tried to tell my son about the fellowship once" Pippin said. "He listened politely but I could tell he thought his father was one queer Halfling. Periannath do not usually have adventures, in fact it's quite frowned upon. My son takes more after his mother than me, and perhaps that is a blessing."

"I want to have adventure" Eldarion said.

"Maybe someday you might" Pippin said.

"It must be so exciting! I can't wait until I am old enough!"

"Exciting…" Pippin said thoughtfully. "Honestly you don't realise you are having an adventure **while** you are having it. Except that us Periannath knew we would be considered queer upon our return home for even having left the Shire! Quite frankly it is much more exciting to look back at the happenings than it was to live through them. At least now you know who survived and who did not, and that you came out all right in the end. I find you can enjoy stories much more when you aren't worried you will be dead by the end of them…"

"I think an adventure would be tops!" Eldarion said, not really listening to Pippin for once. "Slay dragons and fight orcs…"

"Then you must practice your swordsmanship" Pippin said. "Come along now my lord, we had better get you down to your teacher."

With a gentle shove he got Eldarion moving down the halls. Pippin followed a few paces behind, wishing to himself that Eldarion would never get his wish and have any adventures. Pippin preferred hearing about adventures; once someone you knew and cared about was involved in them it became a little too close to home. He might be a Took but even a Took was still a Hobbit and no matter what he had written in his own history Pippin could not completely favour adventures. He was in truth quite glad that his son showed so little interest in hearing about the fellowship, the less prone the boy was to ride out and find adventures of his own the better.

While Eldarion practiced his swordsmanship Pippin began to make preparations for his journey back. It was not a small feat to ride all the way to the Shire, and there were a lot of things that had to be planned. Gimli and Legolas would accompany him this time as well, and it was anybody's guess how that would play out.

Pippin longed to get back home, but part of him wished he could stay just a little longer. He loved being back in Gondor now that he knew it was not as bad as he had feared it would be. And he had gotten such a fine connection with the young prince. Eldarion might have grown both older and forgetful by the time they would meet again. Pippin had a feeling that a teenage boy would not be interested in spending so much time with a Halfling who was nearly half a century older than him.

As he sat down with Gimli and Legolas to make the last preparations Pippin was thankful he still had eight days before he had to leave. He would get to see Faramir and Éowyn once more; they were riding in to take part in an annual celebration held two days before Pippin's departure. It felt good that they were coming. Pippin was glad he would get to say goodbye to all those closest to him before he left Gondor.


	10. Return

**Minas Tirith, August of 1436**

On Pippin's second-last day in Gondor Faramir and Éowyn arrived from Ithilien to take part in a big feast held each year. Pippin was removed from his duties with Prince Eldarion to serve Steward Faramir instead, to the prince's immediate dislike and anger. Fortunately Faramir was only to stay over one night, so Pippin's last day would be devoted to Eldarion. Aragorn muttered something under his breath about the child being spoiled but Pippin ignored it. He would not be back for a long time; he might as well spend some time with Eldarion now when he had the chance.

Pippin could not help but feel something which almost felt like nervousness. He tended to get anxious when he was heading out for a long travel, and this time there were a lot of matters around the travel which made it more stressful. Aside from the eventful last days in Gondor, with the visit from the steward and lady, and saying goodbye to all his friends, he had to ride back to the Shire together with Legolas and Gimli. However that ride would turn out was anybody's guess. One thing was for sure, none of the three travellers looked forward to the journey.

While the party was going on Pippin sought out Gimli, who was graciously taking it upon himself to try out the ale in every keg. The two had not had much chance to talk since their conversation in Ithilien; things had been awkward since then. It saddened Pippin to think about it. There were so many friendships he had thought were unbreakable but life had proved him wrong.

"Master Dwarf" he said and began filling his own tankard with ale. "Can I have a moment of your time?"

"These people may be good at cooking steak!" Gimli said and looked up from the keg he was currently taking a sample from. "But when it comes to ale they fall short to all Dwarves and Hobbits! When we get to Bree I shall have a double-pint filled with real ale!"

"On the subject of Bree…" Pippin said. "I have been thinking. Should I talk to Aragorn about having someone else ride with me to the Shire? If so then I have to do it tonight. Seeing as things are the way they are now I don't want to force you or Legolas to go on a big ride with me."

"Not a chance, laddie" Gimli said. "We will follow you all the way to Tuckburough, and not a meter less! You know a man cannot go with you that far!"

"It really isn't necessary to go that far with me."

"We want you to be safe, laddie" Gimli said. "In know where this offer to let us pass is coming from, but believe me Pippin, if we wanted out we would have made other arrangements weeks ago."

"How did we all come to this, Gimli?" Pippin asked with a sigh and jumped up on the table behind him. "It's sad, isn't it?"

"Aye" Gimli agreed. "But all storms pass eventually, as will this."

"You won't see me again for a long time once we part ways" Pippin said. "With all my duties in the Shire I don't think I will be able to ride here for a few years. We can only hope time will bring us closer together and not further apart."

"Don't worry so much about it" Gimli advised and raised his tankard. "Especially not tonight! It is a party tonight, my dear Hobbit! You haven't forgotten how to sign and dance and drink, have you?"

"That I most certainly haven't!" Pippin said with a grin.

"Then show me! Empty your tankard and come dance!"

"I can't" Pippin said. "I am on duty. This ale is not even for me. How sad is that? I'm running around getting ale for others! How low can a Hobbit stoop? The only thing worse is running around getting **food** for others."

"Don't let the steward order you around too much" Gimli said and took another drink of ale.

"I don't mind" Pippin said. "I enjoy being his esquire. Except for the ale and food bit. Speaking of which, I really ought to get back to him with this!"

"You do that" Gimli said. "And do not worry about the journey. It will be fine."

Pippin nodded and went off through the crowds to find Faramir. The steward was seated at a large table together with the king, laughing at something together. Pippin placed the tankard in front of him and bowed before taking his place.

Faramir looked up at him and grinned.

"Master Peregrin!" he said. "Tonight is a feast for you as well! This tankard is for you. I release you from any further service tonight, provided that you are awake with the sun tomorrow morning to help me get ready to ride back."

"Thank you Milord!" Pippin said and grabbed the tankard with a huge grin.

**XX  
XX**

The next morning was foggy and quite cold for August. Pippin had his wool cape wrapped around him while he held Faramir's horse as the last preparations were made. Faramir mounted the horse and took the reins, giving Pippin a pat on the shoulder at the same time. Pippin smiled up at him and wished he didn't have to say goodbye. They might not see each other again for years and years.

"It has been good to be in your service once again Milord, as always" Pippin said and bowed.

"The pleasure has been all mine" Faramir said. "Do not stay away for as long again Master Peregrin, that is an order. My wife will see you off tomorrow morning; I hope you will be able to tell her how long it will be before your return. Take care, Master Perian."

"Safe journey, Milord!" Pippin said.

Shivering in the cold morning Pippin went back inside as soon as he could. He hoped the following morning would be warmer, if it was one thing he disliked it was fog. It made everything damp and cold.

He hurried back into his own chambers and fell down on his bed. With a yawn he took his cape off and spread it out on top of himself like a blanket. Before long he was asleep, happily aware that he could sleep for a good two hours more before having to get up and get to work.

While he slept he did not dream. Whenever he did not dream he would sleep much better, the sleep he was getting now was precisely what he needed. A good rest before having to get on the road and travel for several weeks. When he was younger he had never had any problems being out on the road but now it made him quite tired. It was nice to get a good rest in a comfortable bed before spending a number of nights sleeping on the ground. During the journey he was sure to dream.

**XX  
XX**

With relief Gimli saw that the fog was beginning to lift. Sometimes near the river the fog could remain for hours after sunup. Gimli knew Legolas appreciated the fog, but in Gimli's mind there were far too many unpleasant elements to nature which Legolas was fond of. To Legolas everything in nature was a wonder. Gimli preferred staying indoors most of the time; he had seen enough of nature in his own opinion. But he still went with the Elf on several travels through woods and plains, and even enjoyed it a little even if he would never admit it to Legolas.

The two were out for a ride, for no particular reason. Normally they wouldn't go riding the day before embarking on a long journey, but both had felt restless at the citadel and wanted to get away for a while.

Gimli thought about what he and Pippin had talked about the previous night. He had been wondering all morning whether or not he should say anything to Legolas, but since they were alone right now he figured it might be a good idea.

"Legolas my friend" he began. "I had words with Pippin last night. About the journey to the Shire."

No answer came. Gimli nudged Legolas with his elbow to make sure the Elf was really listening.

"Go on Gimli" Legolas said.

"He is worried things will be awkward when we travel together. Not that they haven't been ever since we've first had to begin accompanying him on these journeys. Legolas perhaps it is time for you to look Pippin in the eye, forgive him for all that he cannot bring back and move on from there?"

Legolas did not answer his friend. He squinted to see better. With his perceptive Elf eyes he thought he could see something on the other side of the river, which was fairly more than a large creek at this spot. Determined to find out what he thought he could see he drove his horse out into the creek. Water splashed up all around them and Gimli grabbed a hold of his arm to not fall off.

"Legolas!" he exclaimed. "We said we wouldn't cross the river!"

His friend did not listen. He drove the horse onward and up on the opposite shore. There he steered for the thick bushes standing rather lonely on the plains, a large collection of vegetation which had gathered on this one spot on the plains, the only bushes visible as far as the eye could see.

"Legolas, what has gotten into you?" Gimli asked.

Then, as Legolas halted the horse and dismounted, Gimli could see it too. As Legolas kneeled and moved aside the leaves of the thickets Gimli knew for sure what he was seeing. He gulped. There was somebody lying in the bushes.

**XX  
XX**

Aragorn received the strange word as soon as the two companions returned to Minas Tirith. He ran as fast as he could through the halls out on the courtyard where he could see with his own eyes that the news was true. He felt the whole world stop for a second and then start spinning faster than before when he saw them walking down the path, Gimli with a look in his eyes Aragorn had not seen since the War and Legolas with a lifeless Merry in his arms. Aragorn had not seen him for over a decade but there was no mistaking. It was really Merry.

Aragorn ran up to them and tried to lift the Hobbit over to his own arms, then realized the Elf would carry him more carefully than Aragorn ever could. He felt his heart pound like the bang of a drum and for a second did not know what to say or do. It was really Merry.

"Bring him to the House of Healing!" he said.

They brought the Hobbit to the House of Healing and placed him in a bed, a lower bed which was more suiting for a Hobbit. Merry was unconscious and the three friends feared he was closer to death than to life. It was a miracle that he was even there; neither of them dared to hope that he would open his eyes and look at them again.

"Is it the Black Shadow?" Gimli asked in a whisper, afraid of harming the Hobbit if he raised his voice.

"Of course it isn't" Aragorn said in a normal tone of voice.

"Is he going to wake up?"

"Legolas where did you find him?" Aragorn asked, amazed by the whole thing. Merry was dead, yet Legolas had just brought him home.

"He was hidden among the thickets on the other side of the river, by the creek" Legolas said. "I barely even spotted him myself, he was very well hidden. However he got there, someone wanted him to be out of sight to the world. Perhaps it was Merry himself. A Hobbit can find a good place to hide if he wants one."

The three of them looked at Merry for a long time without uttering a word. Neither of them could get enough of the sight. He had been lost to them, dead for eleven long years. Now he was alive, they could all see his chest heave with every breath. How this miracle was possible neither of them knew, all they knew was that the world had changed and this time for the better.

Then suddenly Merry's eyes began to flutter. Aragorn gave a slight cry when he noticed it and both Legolas and Gimli backed away from the bed, as if they worried that if they stood too close Merry would not open his eyes. Aragorn rose from his spot on the side of the bed and took a step back as well.

"Come on Meriadoc…" he said. "Come on…"

Merry's eyes opened wide and then blinked hard to get focus. He frowned, overcome with uncertainty, and gasped when he noticed the three figures in the room with him. He sat up and looked ready to bolt out of bed.

"Easy now!" Aragorn said. "Easy!"

"What is the meaning of all this?" Merry asked and looked around.

"Welcome back Perian" Legolas said with a smile.

"How do you feel?" Aragorn asked and walked back to the bed. Merry pulled back with a wary look on his face.

"What do you want?"

"Merry! It's us!" Gimli exclaimed. "I have never been so happy to see anybody before in my whole life! Holbytla you are a sight for sore eyes!"

However Merry did not seem to appreciate the greetings. He recoiled and appeared startled by the whole thing. Gimli rushed up to the bed.

"You young rascal, I never thought I would see those curls again, this is a merry game you've been playing with us, I cannot believe that it's you! What is wrong laddie? It's me, Gimli!"

"Back down Gimli, you're only frightening him more!" Aragorn said and gently nudged Gimli to step back again. He sat down on Merry's bedside once more and looked at the Hobbit who eyed them all with a startled look on his face. "Everything is alright" he told him. "Meriadoc…"

"Your troubles are over Holdwine" Legolas added.

Merry looked from one of them to the other.

"Who are you?" he asked. "What do you want with me?"

"Want with you? We're just glad you are alive!" Gimli exclaimed.

"I don't understand" Merry said. "What is all this you're talking about, I do not follow you. What is Holdwine? And this Merry, Meriadoc, Perian, Holbytla… It doesn't mean anything to me. I cannot help you; I don't know what it is you want. Please, just leave me be!"

Aragorn noticed a stream of dried blood visible underneath Merry's curls. He had not seen them before. He reached out his hand but Merry recoiled.

"Easy now…" Aragorn said. "I won't hurt you. I just want to have a look at that cut on your head… Does it hurt?"

"Everything hurts" Merry said. "What have you done with me?"

"Done with you? **Us**?" Gimli exclaimed. "We brought you back, laddie!"

Merry held his breath as Aragorn gently brushed aside his curls and found what he was looking for. On the left side of Merry's head there was a cut which appeared to have been deep but had closed up by now. Merry gulped and drew back when Aragorn tried to touch it.

"Friend…" Aragorn said. "What is the last thing you remember?"

Merry frowned and looked away from the three companions. After a moment he began to breathe heavily, on his good way to hyperventilation. Aragorn tried to take his hand but he drew back as if he thought the man would burn him.

"I… I don't remember!" he gasped. "I… It's all just a blur, it's all…"

"It's alright" Aragorn said. "Take your time. Just relax, please calm down."

"I don't know what I remember the last!" Merry said. "I remember… I can see no images, only… Safety, I remember feeling safety. Somewhere far from here!"

"The Shire" Legolas guessed.

"And I remember they were watching over me."

"Who? Who were watching over you?"

"I can't remember."

Merry looked at Aragorn with despair in his eyes. Legolas and Gimli shared a look. This was not what they had expected at all.

Suddenly footsteps were heard out in the hall. Hobbit footsteps. Aragorn jumped off the bed.

"Pippin!" he said. "Quickly, stop him!"

Gimli rushed out into the hallway just as Pippin came around the corner. He ran up to Gimli but when he tried to pass him Gimli moved so that he got in the way. Pippin stopped and tried to go around Gimli on the other side, but the Dwarf moved again. They repeated this twice before Pippin got tired of the dance.

"Gimli what is the matter? Let me pass!"

Aragorn came out in the hallway and walked up to Pippin. He kneeled by him and took his hands.

"Is it true?" Pippin asked filled with excitement. "Is it really so? They said that Merry is here, that you found Merry! Another Hobbit has come, they say, the one that was lost! Is it really him? Oh Aragorn, let me go in there, let me see him! Is it Merry, is it really him?"

Tears of joy were falling down Pippin's cheeks. His face had lit up for real in front of his friends for the first time in eleven years and for a brief moment Aragorn and Gimli felt like they were with the old Pippin, the Pippin on the other side of Merry's death. Legolas came out in the hallway and placed himself like a guard in front of the door.

"Aragorn is it him?" Pippin asked again. "Tell me, is it true?"

"Pippin I know this is a lot for you to fathom" Aragorn began.

"Is it Merry, yes or no?"

"It is him."

Pippin gave a cry of joy and relief.

"Oh Strider… How I've dreamt of such a miracle! Never daring to hope! Everything I've ever wanted… I feel like nothing can bring me down now! No wonder I had trouble letting go, he was still alive! He's back; he's back, Merry's here! My best friend! We can be together again! Nothing's going to part us now! I… I can't even put words to what I'm feeling now! I have to see him, right this instant or I will lose my mind!"

"You've waited eleven years, what's another minute?" Aragorn said. "Listen to me Peregrin my friend; before you go in there you should know one thing."

"Just tell me then" Pippin said and laughed. "Whatever it is it cannot be bad. Nothing can be bad compared to what it was half an hour ago!"

"Merry's been through a traumatic experience" Aragorn said. "And he has suffered a blow to the head."

"Like when we were with the orcs during the War."

"Yes, but different. Because of it he is suffering from loss of memory. We were just in there with him and he does not remember anything."

"I can wait with finding out where he has been all these years; just that he is alive is enough for me!"

"It's not just these eleven years, Pippin. He doesn't remember who we are. He doesn't remember who **he** is. I can't tell you if he just needs a few minutes, or if he will wake up tomorrow and remember, or if it will be a few days, or a few weeks, or months, years even. Truthfully Pippin I don't know if he will remember ever again. But if anyone can trigger his memory it is you."

Pippin nodded and widened his smile.

"Strider I don't care. All that matters is that by some miracle he is alive. He's come back from the dead, you have no idea what this means to me!"

"I think I do" Aragorn said with a smile. "It is important now Peregrin Took that you do not rush in there and throw your arms around him like I know you want to. He currently does not know where he is or who we are, it is all frightening for him and we don't want to scare him even more. To him we are all strangers at the moment."

"The word _stranger_ is not part of Merry's and my vocabulary when it comes to one another" Pippin said.

"I just want you to be prepared that he is very confused at the moment. Go in there and see your best friend, but remember that he might not know who you are and it might be frightening for him if you're too forward."

Pippin nodded again. He let go of Aragorn's hands and walked past Gimli, stopping in front of Legolas. The Elf smiled and stepped aside, allowing Pippin to go in to see Merry.

**XX  
XX**

Merry had pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them, frightened to his core by his current situation. He had no recollection of who he was or what he was doing in this place. These tall people scared him, they wanted something from him but he didn't know what it was. Information probably, but he had none. What would they do with him in order to get their way? He dared not think of it.

The door opened and in stepped a smaller figure, closer to his own height, with a thick mop of curly hair on his head and no shoes on his hairy feet. The Halfling had a wide smile on his face which didn't quite go with the endless stream of tears falling down his cheeks. The figure stopped and looked at him, taking in the sight of him. Merry wondered if he was about to pass out, it sure looked that way. But after taking a moment to take the sight in the Halfling by the door slowly walked over to his bedside. Merry eyed him with wary eyes. The little man sat down on the bed and put his hand on Merry's. Merry jolted but didn't pull his hand away. By the door the three taller figures watched the scene.

"Meriadoc…" the Halfling by the bed said with awe in his voice.

"It is all just…" Gimli whispered, shaking his head. "I feel… I cannot even… I don't know how to put words to it… If I had to wait a lifetime it would have been worth this sight. Seeing these two reunited is just…"

"We have them both back now" Legolas said. "Where once half a Hobbit there was are now two again."

"Let's wait and see before we claim victory" Aragorn said.

"Don't be so pessimistic" Gimli said. "Pippin is here. Everything will be right now. He will remember now that Pippin is here."

Pippin gently stroke Merry's hand. He could feel the hesitation in his cousin but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered at this moment, only that his best friend was alive. He could not feast his eyes enough on the sight, Merry's familiar scent filled his nose and all he needed now for the moment to be complete was to hear Merry's treasured voice.

"Merry…" he said tenderly. "It's me. It's Pippin."

Merry swallowed hard and moved back a bit on the bed. He stretched out his legs and stared at the figure sitting beside him. Something about this Halfling frightened him much more than the other three, there was some form of intensity here which he could not understand and that scared him.

"I'm your best friend" Pippin said. "We're cousins. I never thought I would get to see you again…"

"I'm sorry" Merry said and looked at the four people in the room. "Who did you all say you were? I don't think I… What were your names again?"

"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn" Aragorn said and took a step forward. "Many people call me Estel or Elessar. You have always called me Strider."

"Strider?" Merry said questioningly. "That doesn't sound like a name to me."

Pippin chuckled and wiped a tear from his cheek. Aragorn smiled.

"If you're more comfortable calling me something else then feel free to do so. This here is Gimli, son of--"

"I can tell him my own name!" Gimli interrupted and stepped forward. He looked into Merry's eyes and felt unsure. "I, I am, I'm, my name is… Blasted! Aragorn, you introduce me."

"Gimli, son of Gloin" Aragorn said.

"And what name did I call you by?" Merry asked. "Stomper?"

"Just Gimli" Gimli said. "And you have made quite a career in frightening us and making us worry about your safety! I could wring your neck for what you've put us through!"

Merry looked frightened and Aragorn gave the Dwarf an annoyed look.

"Pay no attention to him" he said. "He does not mean it literally. We've just all been very concerned."

Merry frowned. This was all a lot to take in at once. This group of people with more names than fingers, all claiming to know him well and expressing concern for him. What did they really want from him? He looked at the Elf.

"I am Legolas, son of Thranduil" said the Elf. "We are all close friends of yours."

Merry turned to the one on his bedside.

"And your name?"

"Peregrin Took. Or Peregrin, son of Paladin, if an introduction such as theirs is more proper. They call me Pippin, or Pip. We are cousins you and I, we share a grandfather. We are also best friends. Nobody has missed you like I have."

"What about my name?" Merry asked.

"Meriadoc" Legolas said. "Meriadoc Brandybuck of Buckland in the Shire, son of Saradoc Scattergold. Known in Gondor and Rohan as Holdwine, but by most people called Merry."

"That is a lot of names" Merry said, his head spinning. "Though none of them are mine."

"What do you mean?" Gimli asked.

"I can feel it… my name is something other… It starts with a K, I am sure of it."

"Merry dear…" Pippin said and squeezed his hand. "I have known you all my life. Your name is Meriadoc."

But Merry only shook his head. The name sounded wrong, it could not be his. It was not what he had been called, he could feel it. He pulled his hand back from the one calling himself Pippin. If they were trying to lie to him about his name then they surely were not his friends.

Once again steps were heard out in the hallway. The door opened and a woman dressed in white entered, stopping for a second to catch her breath by the door. Her long blonde hair fell like a cape down her shoulders and her eyes looked troubled. Then they met Merry's and she hurried up to his bed, sitting down on the vacant right side.

She reached out a hand to caress his cheek, staring at him like she was seeing a ghost. Merry leaned forward and squinted. Something was familiar. The other four people in the room looked at each other with surprised yet hopeful eyes.

"You…" Merry said. "There's something…"

The woman didn't say anything. A smile crept across her face and a single tear fell down her cheek. She did not scare Merry like the others had done.

"There's something familiar about you" he said. "E, Eo, E… Eo… Eo…"

"Éowyn" the woman said. "That is my name. Éowyn."

"Éowyn" Merry repeated. "I don't know why but I feel like I know you."

"You do" Éowyn said. "You did. We knew each other well, Holdwine."

"Aragorn it's working!" Pippin said. "He's remembering! Merry!"

Merry impatiently pushed aside the hand Pippin reached out to him. He looked deep into Éowyn's eyes, thinking that if he just concentrated hard enough he would be able to remember something more. Perhaps everything would come back to him. The key was this woman, the only thing that was familiar to him. He stared deeply into her eyes which did not look away. His memories were right there, just within his grasp. If he only concentrated a bit more…

Then everything went black to him and he fell back down in the bed. Éowyn quickly rose to her feet and leaned over the unconscious Hobbit. Pippin cried out and grabbed Merry's hand.

"What is wrong?" Éowyn asked.

"His head injury I should assume" Aragorn said and shoved her aside as he came over to have a closer look. "Too much for him to handle at once, I can imagine. Perhaps we should all give him some air and some time alone to rest." He looked at Éowyn. "He remembered you."

"Why wouldn't he?" Éowyn asked with questioning eyes.

"He doesn't remember any of us" Aragorn told her.

"Only you" Legolas filled in.

Pippin looked at the Elf, then at the lady and last at the Hobbit. Suddenly he was not overwhelmingly happy anymore. Something was wrong, but he couldn't quite put his finger to what. He quickly brushed aside the thought. As soon as Merry's memory came back then they could figure it out together, Merry and him. Finally they would get to be doing things together again!


	11. Awakening

**Minas Tirith, August of 1436**

Pippin opened his eyes and flew out of bed. He had not slept for many hours but he had had the strangest dream. He got dressed in a hurry and rushed out towards the Houses of Healing, hoping to keep the dream for a little while longer if he went to where the dream had taken place. In his dream Merry had been found and returned safely. It was not the first time Pippin had had such dreams and by now he knew not to take them too seriously, but he wanted to keep the feeling from the dream for as long as he could.

He reached the House of Healing and found the door he had been looking for. He had a strange feeling in his gut, almost like nervousness, when he reached for the door. Nobody would be looking for him for a few hours yet; he could close the door behind him and be all alone with what was left of his dream. It felt like just the thing he needed.

He went inside the room and not until he closed the door did he realise he had been holding his breath. The room was empty. Just as it should be. The bed was made; no medics were put out for a patient. No patients slept in this room save for during emergencies, this room was especially for the Hobbits. It had a lower bed and smaller furniture; a grown human would be very uncomfortable there. Pippin knew nobody had used this room in quite a while, and certainly not Merry. There was no smell in the room, his dream had been filled with the familiar scent of Merry. It was odd, after all these years he often forgot his cousin's face, but never the way he smelled.

With a yawn he stepped further inside and closed his eyes for a moment. When his eyes were closed he could pretend that the dream had been real. He had often tried similar tricks when his grief had been new; he had closed his eyes and pretended that Merry was in the same room with him. Of course sooner or later he always had to open his eyes and when he did Merry vanished. He had not used this trick for many years now, but this particular moment he felt like he needed it. Even though the dream had comforted him he felt lonelier this morning than he had in months.

He opened his eyes again and took a deep breath. The windowpane was just the right size for a Hobbit to sit on, he decided to hop up there and enjoy the morning and his memories before it was time to report for duty.

In the corner of his eye he saw someone enter from an adjacent room, a small washing room connected with the bedroom. Startled he gave a cry and recoiled. Merry reacted the exact same way. For a second they stared at each other with horror and fear and then Pippin took a deep breath, shook his head to clear it and sat down heavily on a chair conveniently placed by the bed. Merry backed away and pulled his far too big robe around him with a distrusting look on his face.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I should be asking you the same question!" Pippin said and couldn't help but laugh. "My goodness, I truly believed it was all just a dream! You're really real!"

He rose and took a step towards Merry, who backed further away. Pippin continued to walk towards him while Merry continued to back until he was up against the wall. Merry glanced to his left and right to figure out where he could bolt if Pippin didn't stop.

"Don't come any closer!" he said.

Pippin didn't listen. He stared at his cousin with amazement. He could feel his heart pound heavily as he came up face to face with the person he had missed so much during the past decade. He didn't even see the look in Merry's eyes; he just reached out his hand and gently brushed Merry's cheek as to assure himself that it was for once not a dream. The impossible had happened once again, only this time it had brought Merry back instead of taken him away.

Merry had finally had enough and slapped Pippin's hand away, momentarily breaking the spell for him. The younger stared at the older for a second with a shocked expression, then Pippin recalled that Merry had had trouble remembering the day before. He might not have gotten his memory back quite yet. He backed away to give his cousin some room and had to avert his eyes from the look on Merry's face.

"Why have you come here?" Merry asked.

"I thought I just dreamed it all, all that happened yesterday. I've dreamt it so many times and truly believed it was real when I woke up. But it never was. Until today."

"I don't know what you're talking about" Merry said. "And I don't know what you want me to say!"

"You don't need to say anything, unless you want to."

"I don't want to. I want to be left alone. Actually I want to be returned home, immediately! You can tell your captain that!"

"You are home" Pippin said.

Merry swallowed hard and shook his head no. He was far from home; he was kidnapped and held hostage by these strangers who were trying to fool him somehow. He could not remember where he had been before he woke up here but he knew that it was not this place. This place was not his haven. These people were not his friends or family. They were all so tall and so noisy, all of them demanding something from him which he did not know what it was. And this one, the one who was his own height, was the most foreign to him. Merry felt like this person was trying to use his similarities in appearance to fool him that he was his old friend and thus get whatever they wanted out of him. But Merry wanted no part of it, he felt like crawling out of his own skin when this person was near him.

"This is not home" he said firmly. "You are keeping me from returning to where I belong and you won't even tell me why! Release me!"

"Nobody is holding you captive, this is where you belong!" Pippin insisted, then he snapped his fingers and had to laugh. "Oh how silly I am. Of course, you are right. This is not really home, not this place anyhow. This group of people is your home, but this city is not. You want to go back to the Shire. And we will, I promise you that we will. But you have just gotten back to the living and you need some time to rest and heal before we go out on a long journey."

"If you're not here to question me then would you please leave?" Merry insisted. "I want to be alone! I am tired and I need rest!"

"Certainly!" Pippin said. "I'm sorry; typical me to be so wrapped up in my own joy that I completely forget that you must be exhausted! I will go and get some work done and I'll make sure I can stop by here at luncheon!"

Merry didn't answer. Pippin grinned at him and walked back to the door. On his way out he turned and smiled reassuringly at his cousin.

"Merry I know that you have trouble remembering right now… But you and I are kindred spirits. You'll remember sooner than you think and when you do you will realise that you knew who I was all along."

After Pippin closed the door Merry took a deep breath and counted to ten before he bolted to the door and looked to see if it was possible to lock it from the inside. He was not kept in a dungeon, he had figured that much out for himself, perhaps people could be locked out as well as locked in. He found what he was looking for and locked the door before he went back to bed with a sigh.

"That one is nuttier than a fruit cake…" he mumbled and crawled into bed. "Remembering and then knowing that I knew all along? Where did they dig that one up, really?"

With a sigh he leaned back and closed his eyes. He was tired, and his head still ached from the blow he had received. But those were minor problems. The biggest problem was to figure out what he was going to do about his situation. These people were all nice to him, but something was wrong, he could clearly feel it. And they all had a great advantage over him. They remembered. Merry couldn't remember anything and it was already beginning to drive him crazy. Not knowing who to trust, or what to trust, kept him on edge. And the worst part was that until he remembered he wouldn't know where to ask to be returned to. Or who to try and contact.

He crawled up on his side and closed his eyes to go to sleep. Perhaps when he woke up again he would remember.

**XX  
XX**

Later that afternoon Pippin met up with Aragorn at the House of Healing. Pippin had been impatient all day long, wishing he could be with Merry instead of at work, and now he was even more impatient when Aragorn wanted to talk to him before they went to visit their friend.

"I know how impatient you are" Aragorn said and pulled out a chair for Pippin to sit down on. "That is only all the more reason to take a moment to think before we go in and scare him again."

"Aragorn what is wrong with him?" Pippin asked. "Why doesn't he recognise me? Or anybody else for that matter?"

"The blow to his head caused him to lose his memory" Aragorn explained and sat down. "It can happen; I've seen it happen with soldiers in battle. Sometimes they get their memory back really soon, sometimes it takes longer."

"And sometimes it never happens at all" Pippin guessed. "Aragorn why doesn't he know me? I understand that he's lost his memory, but he doesn't need to remember me to know who I am. There are bonds that don't need memory to support them. This is all just beyond me."

"All he knows right now is that he woke up in a room filled with people he has no memory of, in a place he doesn't recognise. He has been away for eleven years; we don't even know what happened to him during that time. All his instincts are telling him to be on his guard, to not trust anything without questioning. He is confused, he is scared and he is likely to be very suspicious as to our motives. If he does indeed recognise you he probably doesn't trust it, fearing that he will be duped or deceived if he does. When he woke up yesterday he thought he had been taken prisoner and that we wanted information out of him. You must give him time to settle in and build up a sense of security."

"All I want is to have him back" Pippin said. "I never dreamed he'd be gone from me, and I can't stand the thought of having him physically back but not emotionally."

"Give him some time, Pippin. You've waited eleven years to see him again, what's another few weeks? Support him by allowing him his space. He has done without you for a decade; you must give him the chance to readjust."

"Aragorn is there any way we can trigger his memory?" Pippin asked.

"I don't know" Aragorn said honestly. "But if anyone can, it's you. Just sit with him, let him be near you, let him remember you. Then by and by lead him down the path of his past, push him forward when he needs it and hold him back when he moves too quickly. Search your mind and find anything that might help him remember, some item he owned, some item with a special meaning, anything like that."

Pippin nodded. He knew Aragorn was right, Merry needed time and deserved to get it. If only it didn't hurt so bad to look into his eyes and see no recognition at all.

**XX**

**XX**

Merry was sitting on the side of his bed when they arrived; eating something off a tray he had been brought. When he noticed them he put the tray away on the nightstand and rose to his feet.

"We need to get you clothes" Pippin remarked. "You can't wear that all the time. Not even if we wash it."

Merry looked down on the plain shirt he was wearing and the leather trousers. The clothes were ragged and torn but he wanted to keep them. He had been found in them and he felt comfortable in them.

"We'll think about that later" Aragorn said and walked up to Merry who sat back down with a wary look on his face. "How do you feel?" Aragorn asked and lifted up Merry's curls from his forehead to take a look at the gash.

"Like I woke up in a foreign place surrounded by strangers."

"Any headaches?"

"Yes."

Merry held his breath and kept his eyes closed while Aragorn gently examined the wound. It seemed to be healing well. Aragorn placed the back of his hand against Merry's forehead to feel the temperature.

"No fever."

"Have you gotten a good rest today?" Pippin asked and walked over.

"Alright, I guess" Merry said and gave Pippin an unfriendly look.

"I won't exhaust you if you're tired" Pippin said and sat down on the side of the bed, close to Merry. "I just want to talk to you for a while."

"Why?"

"We are hoping you will start to remember again" Aragorn said.

"Why is it so important to you that I remember?" Merry asked.

"But Merry, don't **you** want to remember?" Pippin asked. "You have a whole lifetime of memories. Not that you would believe half of them, we have some really weird happenings in our past." Then Pippin turned to Aragorn. "Perhaps that is the problem? He is starting to remember but thinks he must have gone crazy?"

"Sounds like a load of fun" Merry dryly replied. "No, I'm not starting to remember anything. It's only been a few hours since last I was bothered, I don't see when I would have had the time to remember."

Aragorn shared a look with Pippin. Merry was a bit testier than they remembered him to be.

"We are your friends, Merry" Aragorn said and sat down on the chair. "Whether you remember us now or not. And we are concerned for you. It is important that you realise that we are not out to harm you."

"Then let me go free" Merry begged.

"You are free Merry" Pippin said, saddened by his friend's odd behaviour.

"We cannot let you leave the House of Healing until we have made sure that you are well" Aragorn explained. "After that you are free to go wherever you choose. You are not our prisoner."

"Aragorn he's not going to leave us, is he?" Pippin asked with a worried look on his face. "Is he?"

"I don't understand what it matters" Merry said. "Who am I to you that makes it so important that I stay?"

"You are everything to me Merry" Pippin said.

"You are making this up" Merry insisted. "Just because I am the only one here who looks like you it doesn't mean that we have to be friends or even interested in what the other one is doing. You are trying to trick me into something, I can feel it!"

"I would never trick you" Pippin said.

"Would you please leave me be then?"

"I wouldn't trick you" Pippin repeated with emphasis.

Aragorn rose and put his hand on Pippin's shoulder, signalling him to calm down. But Pippin was getting more and more upset.

"You were my best friend in all the world, and I have been struggling with the loss of you for so long now!"

"You're lying!" Merry said. "If I was your best friend why would I leave you?"

"I'm not lying!" Pippin cried.

"Pippin that's enough!" Aragorn said. "He won't remember any faster if you yell at him. Calm down or step out."

"Just tell me what I can do for you," Merry said, "and then leave me alone. Understand, I don't know what you're talking about! So please just tell me what it is you miss that you want me to explain and perhaps I can try to remember it."

"I don't miss a thing" Pippin said calmly and felt himself tear up. "Or at least I shouldn't be. When you and I were together I had everything I needed, and you are back now. Nothing has changed. Nothing can have changed. It's impossible that it's changed, and you will come to realise that. Just remember me Merry, that's all I need. All that you can do for me… Remember."

"It doesn't sound right" Merry said. "People are not that close, not even if they are twins or lovers. You're pushing it too hard and that is why I don't believe you."

"We were far from lovers, but that doesn't mean we didn't love one another" Pippin said. "There are twins of spirit as well as twins of birth. To me there is no difference. You are a part of me and I am a part of you, which is why I can't believe that you don't feel it. I don't know what else to say to make you understand!"

"I can't explain it either" Aragorn said. "But he is telling you the truth. Friendships can run deeper than blood."

"You are persistent, that's for sure" Merry said to Pippin with a sigh. "Fine, perhaps we were friends. But I still don't remember you and you cannot force me to be your friend again at the snap of your fingers."

"You shouldn't have to befriend me again; you should have always been my friend. All these years you've been gone shouldn't have been able to change that."

"If I was gone for such a long time, don't you think it's more than possible that you've glorified what friendship we had?" Merry asked.

"No I am not exaggerating it" Pippin said. "We lived together. We shared everything. I can handle anything that life throws at me, if only we are friends. We don't need anything else. Throughout all my darkest moments you were there, always by my side, our friendship was the best thing that I had. And you felt the same way."

"I don't think that I did" Merry said and crossed his arms. "You don't seem to be the type I would befriend."

"He has to remember!" Pippin cried to Aragorn. "It can't be this way; he can't be saying these things to me, not after all this time! Make him remember again!"

"Give it time" Aragorn tried to tell him.

"No, I've waited long enough!"

"Stop it!" Merry said forcefully. "Stop it, both of you! Don't talk about me like I wasn't even here! Won't you let me be alone?"

"Being alone is not going to help you remember anything" Aragorn said.

"I'm not so sure I want to remember!" Merry cried, then paused. "And I don't want to be around you people; you want something from me which I cannot give! Bring me the woman. If you don't dare to leave me alone then let me be with the woman."

"What woman?" Pippin asked.

"Éo… something" Merry said. "Éowyn. She is familiar to me. And I want to be with her."

Pippin just looked at him for a while, this time Pippin was the one questioning Merry with his eyes. After what felt like several minutes Pippin went to the door and called out to the nearest guard to get the White Lady. Then Aragorn took him by the arm and led him out in the hallway.

"Not like this, Pippin!" he said in a hushed tone. "No yelling, no frustration, no disappointment. He needs support, comfort and kindness. You of all people ought to be able to show him that."

"Why doesn't he remember?" Pippin asked once again.

"Try to forget about that for now" Aragorn said. "The important thing is not why he can't remember, the important thing is to make him get those memories back. And if that fails you will have to make new ones with him."

"I just don't understand" Pippin said. "I waited for him for eleven years. Now he won't accept me."

"He will" Aragorn said. "Once the fog in his mind clears out he will begin to turn to you. In the meantime remember that sometimes the best way of supporting someone is by giving them their space."

Pippin nodded and took a deep breath to compose himself. He wiped away the few tears that had fallen down his cheek.

"So many tears I cried when he was gone" he said and chuckled. "Now I'm weeping because he's here. Go figure."

Aragorn was about to reply when he heard steps behind him. Éowyn had been working in another part of the Houses and came hurrying to see what Merry wanted. As she went inside Merry's room and sat down on the side of the bed Aragorn and Pippin went up to the doorway to see what was going to happen.

Merry sat down next to Éowyn and grabbed a strain of her golden hair. He lifted it up to his cheek and brushed it with it, not taking his eyes off the lady sitting by his side. Éowyn still couldn't believe that he was truly there, and a few tears of happiness were rolling down her cheeks. Merry frowned and gently dried one off.

"Are you sad?" he asked.

"Sad? Now that my favourite esquire is back?"

Merry suddenly looked troubled and stood up.

"Esquire? I was in your service? And here I am touching your face! This is terribly embarrassing!"

"No" Éowyn said and grabbed his hands. Gently she sat him back down. "You were more than an esquire."

"I'm glad, then I wasn't out of my place."

"Not at all" Éowyn said.

"Good. I was going to blame it on the bump on my head. Actually I think it made me a little out of my wits" Merry said. "I don't know why else I would have this image of you in my head, dressed as a soldier!"

"He remembers her…" Pippin said under his breath. "He really does remember her."

"Pippin?" Aragorn said questioningly.

Pippin didn't answer. He turned on his heel and walked away.

**XXX  
XXX  
XXX**

My original idea was to post the previous chapter on April 1st... It didn't work out that way, but it would have been fun )

I hope this doesn't seem too much like a soap opera twist. There is a point to it all and later on it will hopefully become clear what has really happened and what the effects are. Hope you're with me all the way!

Please review!


	12. The Gardens

**Minas Tirith, September of 1436**

A few weeks passed, and then Merry was deemed well enough to get to leave the Houses. The cuts and bruises he had had when he first arrived were all gone and so were his headaches. The only thing that hadn't improved was his memory, he still remembered only Éowyn, but the others had by a silent agreement not pushed him any further. They all hoped that once he got out of the small room where he had never spent much time in the past and out to the green gardens and the old familiar surroundings his memory would start to come back to him.

The anxiety and fear that Merry had felt during his first few days had vanished. He had grown to trust the fact that these people were not out to harm him and had accepted that he had been here before, before he lost his memory. There were a lot of pieces to the puzzle that could never be given to him by anyone other than himself, but for now he knew enough to feel comfortable.

On this day, his first out of the room, his four friends had come to accompany him out to the gardens. Clothes had been made that would fit him and he had to admit he felt pretty good being dressed in new and fresh clothes instead of the old rags he had been found in. Once he had begun to feel comfortable and secure in his new surroundings he didn't need them as much anymore, but he still kept them in a bag he had been given, unwilling to let go completely.

The one he felt most comfortable with aside from Éowyn was Legolas, even though they had not spent much time together. Legolas hardly ever spoke when they were near one another, which Merry only found relieving since he wouldn't know what to say to an Elvish prince. The Elf simply looked at him with approving eyes, and there was something about his close contact with nature which made Merry feel drawn to him. As for the other three, he accepted them and tolerated them even though he didn't see any friendships growing between him and them. The king was a busy man, even though he took time every day to come and visit, but he felt distant somehow and Merry found it to be a bit awkward. Though not as awkward as with the blunt Dwarf who had trouble hiding his disappointment in Merry's lack of memory.

The three companions had arrived first, while Merry was still trying to button the end of his sleeves. It felt like he hadn't used a button in ages, at first he had some trouble and it took him a while to get the hang of it. Just as he was finished buttoning the last button Pippin showed up and stopped just inside the door without saying a word. Merry didn't pay any attention to him; he hadn't seen much of him since the day after his return. He assumed the other Hobbit was busy and didn't think much of it.

"There!" he happily declared and made a little pose. "All buttoned up and ready to meet the world! How do I look?"

"Now there's the old jolly Hobbit we remember!" Gimli said, receiving looks from his two companions. "What, we cannot say the word _remember_ anymore?"

"You look like a proper Hobbit" Legolas said with a slight smile.

"Now as I understand it, it is a Hobbit privilege to eat as many mushrooms as possible" Merry said. "So since I am a proper Hobbit now, does that mean I can get a bucket full of mushrooms in addition to supper?"

"I will see what I can do" Aragorn said with a smile. "We can find one for you and Pippin to share."

"Finally the two of you can dart about here again, dividing your time between eating, being in the way and chattering till everyone's ears fall off" Gimli said. "It's just not the same with only one of you."

With a slight shake to his head and not a word uttered Pippin left again. Merry saw him leave and frowned.

"What's gotten into him? Does he have work to do?"

"Knowing Pippin he probably forgot something that had to be done" Aragorn said, although he couldn't figure out why Pippin had left Merry for that reason. Especially now when they were supposed to accompany Merry out in the gardens.

"Are we ready to go?" Merry asked.

"Yes, let us leave this place now" Legolas said. "And pray none of us will have to spend another night here in a very long time."

"Leave the bag; someone will be by to pick it up" Aragorn told Merry.

Merry nodded and with an excited grin followed the other three out into the hallway. They walked through the House of Healing, and as they approached the doors out to the gardens Merry noticed how all three of them were looking at him discreetly. He stopped, and the others asked him if something was wrong.

"I do have eyes" he said. "I can see your eyes on me. What is going on?"

The three companions shared a few looks while Merry waited impatiently. Every now and then he had a relapse with his trusting issues and right now he was beginning to wonder exactly what they were looking for.

"You haven't been outside your room until now" Aragorn finally said. "We were hoping that the change of scenery would help you, that familiar places would bring back memories. I guess we are watching you to see if you remember anything."

"If you don't mind I would rather walk out into the gardens on my own" Merry said, irritated by the pressure they put on him.

"That's not such a good idea" Gimli objected. "You've just recovered from your illness; you shouldn't be on your own."

"It's a garden" Merry snorted. "What could possibly happen to me in a garden? A tree could attack me?"

The three companions shared another look. Merry grunted and strode off, leaving them behind.

"Legolas go after him, make sure he doesn't get into any trouble" Aragorn said. "Gimli you and I can move his things over to his new room, we don't need one of the servants to do that."

Legolas nodded to his friends and on light feet followed Merry out in the gardens. He found the Hobbit standing just outside the doors, with his eyes closed, his head tilted back and his arms stretched backwards. He could hear the Hobbit taking deep breaths to fill his lungs with the fresh air and the lovely scents. It was a warm September day, autumn had not yet begun, and it was the perfect day for Merry to visit the gardens.

The Hobbit just stood there for a long time, letting the sun warm his face and the wind move through his curls. He felt much more comfortable out in the open than he had done indoors. He could feel the grass under his feet and he longed to get to feel dirt, moss and rocks as well. He was happy to be alone, with nobody watching him as far as he knew. He felt more connected to the ground beneath his feet than to the people surrounding him, he knew that whatever he had done in his previous life and wherever he had been he had had ground under his feet and it had felt similar to this.

Finally he opened his eyes again and took a good look around, admiring all the colours around him. His room had been mostly white marble; the lack of colour had disturbed him earlier, unfortunately the view from his small window showed only a yellow field. But the garden had lots of greens, reds and blues and he knew that once autumn arrived the trees would carry a cascade of colours to feast your eyes on.

Slowly he began to walk through the garden, singing a song he had heard while he was in the Houses. He had no memories of any songs he had sung in the past, this was the only song he knew and it was actually a song the women sang when they washed the linen, but it was good enough for right now.

He hadn't gotten far when an odd feeling came over him. Somehow being in the garden made him feel uncomfortable. He couldn't shake the feeling once it had come over him so he made up his mind to turn back to the Houses and wait for someone to come pick him up there.

To take his mind off the odd feeling he began to wonder who they would send to fetch him. Most likely it would be the king himself who came to bring him to the dinner table and then show him to his new sleeping quarters. The Elf never ran any errands as far as Merry knew, and the Dwarf always seemed to say something inappropriate so he would be unlikely to be left alone with Merry.

He hoped Éowyn would be the one to come and get him. He had not had many chances to see her since she had gone back to Ithilien to settle some matters there, but he hoped she would be back by now. Then he couldn't help but wonder if they would send the other Hobbit to come and get him. Pippin had been so persistent during the first two days and then he had backed off completely. He had only been by twice since then, both time in the company of Aragorn and both times without saying more than he had to. The change baffled Merry. He never seemed to be able to feel comfortable around that other being who was so similar to him in appearance but miles away in personality. At first Pippin's eagerness and joy had been overwhelming and frightening to Merry. Now the less enthusiastic look on the other Hobbit's face made him feel uncomfortable. He didn't know how to act around him and was only happy not to have to be near him.

Just as he was thinking about this Pippin came walking around a corner with a human child in his company. All three of them stopped and looked at one another. The child looked from Pippin to Merry and back again and then tugged Pippin's arm.

"Master Peregrin, is this the other Perian?"

Pippin didn't answer. The child again looked from one Hobbit to the other and came to the conclusion that this had to be the Perian that had arrived a few weeks ago and caused such a commotion.

"I bid you welcome" he said to Merry and bowed. "I am Eldarion, son of Aragorn. Prince of Gondor."

Merry returned the bow.

"And I am Merry, but whose son I am I do not know. It's nice to meet you, young prince. I have met your father on many occasions these past weeks."

Without saying anything Pippin grabbed Eldarion by the arm and walked past Merry on to wherever they had been heading moments ago. Merry could sense the coldness coming from the Hobbit and it made him angry. He hadn't done anything to this Hobbit yet he seemed to be mad at him. He walked off in his own direction, mulling over the sudden change of heart in Pippin.

**XX  
XX**

"Who was that?" Eldarion asked as soon as they were out of hearing range.

"It was Merry, Meriadoc son of Saradoc. Though he doesn't know it."

"Meriadoc was in the fellowship, was he not?" Eldarion said, annoyed that he hadn't been informed about this before. He stopped and crossed his arms over his chest. "There was a Perian in the fellowship named Meriadoc, I know this! Is it him?"

"Yes it is him" Pippin said.

"What is wrong with him?" the prince asked. "How can he not know who his father is? And why do you look like you don't want to talk about him, when he is a member of your fellowship?"

"Things have changed since we last saw one another" Pippin said.

"I was told Meriadoc had died" Elboron said. "I hate being lied to!"

"You weren't lied to, calm down young prince. He disappeared ten years ago and we thought him to be dead. Then he was found again a few weeks back."

"Aren't you happy? You looked like you were mad at him!"

"Of course I am happy. Things are just complicated. And I don't wish to talk about it."

"I can keep a secret, you know."

"I don't wish to talk about it with **anyone**."

"Peregrin…" Eldarion said impatiently and patted his foot on the ground.

"He was my best friend once. But there are some things that have changed. Things I have learned. We can't go back to what we were and I don't see us moving forward right now either. It's personal Eldarion, and I won't discuss it any further!"

Eldarion knew he wouldn't be able to push the Hobbit any further right now. With a sigh he followed him through the gardens, heading back towards the citadel.

**XX  
XX**

Legolas watched Merry from a safe distance as he examined the gardens, and noticed that the Hobbit's enthusiasm was much lesser now than it had been. A frown appeared on the Elf's face. While Merry was feeling much better now than he had just a few days ago he was still fragile and shouldn't be exposed to too much at one time. They didn't even know for sure what was wrong with him.

Merry continued through the gardens, intentionally or unintentionally starting to head for the garden gates. Once he reached them Legolas would approach him and bring him to his new chambers where he could rest before dinner.

Suddenly Merry stopped and his hand flew up to his forehead like he had had a sudden headache. The expression on his face made Legolas decide that Merry needed to be taken away from all these new impressions, fearing that the headache might get worse if he stayed out here, but before he stepped out to reveal himself he paused to listen. He had heard someone else approaching from another direction and now they were close enough for Legolas to hear what they were saying. He wanted to know who they were and what they were doing before he made his presence known.

"Go back up to the citadel" he heard Pippin's voice say.

"But…" Eldarion's voice began to reply.

"Go" Pippin said with emphasis. "You will be late!"

Then Legolas saw Pippin step out into the glade where Merry had by now gotten down on his knees. The younger Hobbit kneeled beside the older and handed something to him.

"Thank you" Merry mumbled.

He grabbed the water canteen and drank greedily from it, feeling better with every sip. Then he smiled apologetically to Pippin, who had placed his hand on Merry's shoulder, and handed the canteen back.

"Hold on to it for now" Pippin said. "You might need it. And carry one of your own around from now on."

"Thank you" Merry said and with the help of Pippin got back on his feet. "I don't know where that headache came from, it was pretty frightening. Thank you for your help."

"That's what friends are for. Though I suspect you have forgotten."

Merry looked at him for a second and didn't know what to say. Pippin had given him a hand and seemed friendly enough but it was not quite as it should. Merry had a feeling Pippin was helping him because he felt he had to and not because he wanted to. But then he shrugged the thought. His insecurities had made him jump to conclusions a few times these past few weeks and sometimes he had been far from the truth. Pippin might very well only be looking out for his best interest, only Merry's insecurities regarding him twisted it around into something else.

"Come along, let's get you inside" Pippin said and with a firm grip of Merry's arm with one hand and the other placed on his shoulder began to lead him back the way he had come. "To the House of Healing and let them have a look at you."

"I don't want to go back there" Merry protested.

"You don't have a say in it."

Realising it was better not to argue Merry obediently followed Pippin through the gardens. His headache was a bit better but he couldn't deny that it would be for the better if one of the medics took a look at him.

"What are you even doing out in the gardens by yourself?" Pippin asked.

"I wanted to see the gardens" Merry said. "But I didn't find them as lovely as I thought I would. I guess I'm just not much of a garden person." He paused. "I'm glad you were there to help me. For some reason I hadn't expected you to be."

"I probably shouldn't" Pippin said. "After how you've turned my world on its head for the second time, this time even worse than before, I should probably just have left you and sent someone to make sure you were alright."

"Those are awfully harsh things to say for someone who a few weeks ago claimed to be the best friend I ever had."

"It was different then."

"How?"

"It just was, alright?"

"Well I think it is unfair that you are angry with me for something which I have no idea that I've done, and then you refuse to tell me about it. Be mad if you like, but if so let me know why."

"I need some time."

"What for?"

"It's all very shocking to me. You were gone, dead, for a very long time. Now you aren't dead all of a sudden and I don't know what to do with that. For eleven years I prayed that I would get to see you and spend just one more second in your company. Then you appeared and you pushed me away. I'm sorry if it inconveniences you that I'm having a hard time with it all, but I'm trying to stay away so you cannot tell me I am bothering you!"

"Help me understand then" Merry said. "There's no reason why we must be **enemies**. If I did something to you in the past then I'm sorry, but I'm a different Hobbit now and perhaps you can judge me based on what I do now and not what I did over a decade ago?"

"I just want my space" Pippin said. "I'm glad you are alive and all, but I'd rather be on my own and just know you still exist than to see you constantly and know that you have changed."

"What is it that keeps you living in the past like this?" Merry asked. "Life did not end for either of us eleven years ago, there is no reason why you couldn't live in the now. Obviously you are holding on to something which isn't good for you."

"I had let it go, and then you came."

"And then I came and what?"

"You will never understand what those empty days without you were like, or what I lost the day you returned which I thought I had lost a decade earlier!"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You can't remember how things were before, I realise that" Pippin said. "All I want now is to start fresh. I carried you with me all those years you were gone, I have been loving you so long. But all of that is in the past now, I have cherished a memory and picture of something that never truly existed. Not the way I thought it did. It's hard to pick up the pieces of an old friendship, especially when one cannot even remember the other. I don't know that I have the strength to do that, nor the will or desire anymore."

"Just a few weeks ago you sounded like that was all you wanted."

Pippin stopped and grabbed Merry by the hands, facing him. He looked him deep in the eyes as if searching for something. Merry got the odd feeling that he was clinging on to something, looking for some confirmation that a horrible truth was in fact no truth at all. And he had a feeling that if these next few moments didn't go well then something might change for Pippin forever.

"Do you really not remember me?" Pippin asked. "Nothing at all? Not even a trace of a feeling, even if you can't remember past actions?"

Merry swallowed and turned his head away. He was not comfortable in this situation. The intensity in this Hobbit was frightening, and it was frustrating to not be able to give him whatever he so feverishly searched for.

"What's it like not to see what I need you to see?" Pippin asked, seemingly more to himself than to Merry. "To look into the face of the person you were the closest to in all the world and see and feel nothing? To not see friendship, comradery, trust and security? We were never apart before and now you don't even know my face…"

"As long as you claim we've been friends it should be easy to see it" Merry said. "Yet I don't. Understand I have no answers for you, I don't know if I see nothing because there's nothing there to see, or if I see nothing because something bad has happened to me and everything that I once cared about is gone! You claim memories are all you have… I don't even have that."

"Please, don't ask me to understand. It's so hurtful to look at you and see the affection you don't feel. Don't ask me to understand, you have betrayed me and you don't even know it. You have no idea what I have lost; it feels like I've lost the first thirty years of my life and more! And all I know is what it's like now, I don't know what it would have been like if you had been here all along. I would probably still have been believing the lie."

"What lie?"

"I want to just forget about it all" Pippin said and let go of Merry's hands. "Start over fresh. Move on from the spot where I'm still standing, the spot where you left me when you disappeared. And try not to hate myself for all the time I have wasted."

"It seems to be some fine things have been given to you in life" Merry said. "What do you have to feel bitter about?"

"Part of me disappeared with you" Pippin said. "I've been lost since I lost you. I need to find myself again, only this time it has to be for real. And I need to accept the way things are. I swear one day I will no longer care that you ever meant something to me."

Merry backed away a bit.

"Why are you so harsh? How am I ever supposed to understand what things used to be like when you act this way? If this is how you show your commitment to a friendship then I'm better off alone, without you."

"That's what I want" Pippin snarled.

"Merry!"

The two Hobbits turned their heads and saw Legolas coming towards them. He had overheard their conversation and decided to break it before it got ugly. He could tell that they were both about to start saying things to one another which they might regret later. He walked up to them and grabbed Merry by the hand.

"Let's get you to Aragorn" he said. "He wants to see you before supper."

He began to lead Merry away, giving Pippin a look which made it clear that he had overheard and he thought Pippin was out of line. Merry stopped after a few paces and turned towards Pippin again.

"There is just one thing that I do not understand…" he said. "If you wish you could forget you were ever friends with me, and I mean nothing to you now… why did you stop to help me instead of sending someone else?"

"The bond we had is gone, perhaps it never even existed. I look into your face and I don't know who you are anymore. All I feel is anger and resentment. I know all that, but I also do know that I will help you if you need it. That's just how it is, how it's always been in fact, and it's like an instinct to me. If you need help I will be there, whether or not I want to, because I don't have a say in it."

"You don't like me, you don't want my friendship and yet you can't turn your back on me… Can you tell me anything at all that actually makes sense?" Merry asked.

"Goodbye Merry" Pippin said and walked away.


	13. Pillow Talk

**Minas Tirith, September of 1436**

Merry looked out over the room and almost wished he could vanish. He had followed Aragorn to the finer dining hall expecting to have a calm supper together with the few people he had gotten to know over the past weeks, and instead found a large crowd waiting to welcome him back from the dead. So many people that he had known or who had known of him a long time ago. He had not seen this many people in one place for ages and the sight scared him a little. He wondered who he could have been to all these people to make them appear for this party, or if perhaps they only showed up because they liked parties. Either way he felt awkward being the centre of the attention this way.

Aragorn stood behind him with a hand on his shoulder, and with a raised hand demanded silence. Almost instantly the crowd quieted down and all eyes turned towards the king and the Hobbit. Merry resisted the urge to turn and run and began to look through the crowds to find at least one familiar face.

"My friends and fellow Gondorians" Aragorn began. "One decade ago a Perian was lost, a good friend to these lands and a faithful member of the Fellowship of the Ring. We all presumed him dead, and we grieved that presumption. But if there is one thing the people of Gondor have learned, it is that miracles do happen. And tonight one such miracle is here with us. Meriadoc son of Saradoc, better known here as Holdwine of Rohan or one of the Ernil i Periannath. Not dead, but alive and well. Where he has been for these past years remains a mystery, but tonight all that matters is that he is here with us. Hail the returning Perian."

"Hail!" the crowd replied.

Aragorn gently led Merry down towards the table where Merry's closest friends and the highest citizens of Gondor would be dining. The people who would be sitting at that table were standing there waiting for them, creating a tunnel they would have to walk through. A strike of excitement woke inside of Merry; suddenly it felt wonderful that so many people were glad that he was there. He started to wonder who they all were, he had seen about half of them before and the rest were all humans who looked important. He was flattered that they had all come to welcome him and a big smile appeared on his face.

Aragorn stopped when they reached the first two people waiting to sit down at the table together with them. Merry recognised the prince Eldarion whom he had seen out in the gardens with Pippin earlier in the day. Standing opposite him was a fair woman with pointed ears, whose face was ageless and whose smile was noble.

"Queen Undómiel and Prince Eldarion" Aragorn whispered in Merry's ear.

Merry took a bow to them, which they both returned, making Merry blush. He would never have thought a queen and a crown prince would be bowing to him.

"Welcome back, Ernil i Periannath" the queen said with a soft voice.

"Pleasure to make your acquaintance" the prince said.

"The pleasure is mine" Merry said and blushed even harder.

Aragorn led him past the pair and stopped before a human pair who both bowed to Merry as he bowed to them.

"Éomer, king of Rohan" Aragorn whispered. "And Lothiriel, queen of Rohan".

"Milord and lady" Merry said and bowed once more.

"I know your memories have left you, Lord Holdwine" Éomer said. "You once swore allegiance to Rohan and its king. I release you from that vow until your memories have returned to you."

"Then I wish to swear allegiance to you anew" Merry said, without really knowing where it came from. "I would be proud to be of service to Éomer King."

Aragorn led him on to the next pair. A quick look over his shoulder told Merry that those they had passed were now following them towards the table. Then an even wider smile than before appeared on his face as he saw who Aragorn had stopped by next. Éowyn smiled back at him and bowed her head together with her husband. Merry had not met Faramir earlier and he barely saw him now. He was so happy that Éowyn was there that he could think of little else.

"Lord Faramir, steward of Gondor and prince of Ithilien" Aragorn whispered in his ear. "And you know Lady Éowyn."

"For eleven years we have waited" Faramir said. "Perhaps now you will return to Ithilien again. I am sorry for all the lost years."

"Milord" Merry mumbled and bowed, though his eyes were secretly on Éowyn.

Éowyn didn't bother with formality. With tears of happiness running down her cheeks she put her arms around Merry and drew him close. Those closest to them laughed, remembering how he had done the same with Éowyn after the War and shocked everyone for the lack of decorum.

Aragorn led him on down to another pair, who he identified as Imrahil and Prince Elfwine of Rohan. They both welcomed Merry back and he thanked them. Next to Elfwine stood a boy about the same age, Elboron, the son of Faramir and Éowyn. The last pair did not need any introductions by Aragorn, Merry recognized Legolas and Gimli well by now, but bows and greetings were still exchanged before the party could sit down to begin their meal. All around them there were people sitting down to dine at tables, and Merry was sure that no grander supper had ever been served for a Hobbit before.

He glanced around him at the table he was sitting. To his left sat Aragorn and to his right Legolas, and opposite him he had Faramir, Éowyn and Éomer. It was a grand company by all standards. A servant came up to the table and placed a plate in front of him of something Merry didn't recognize but which looked delicious. A side glance at Aragorn told him the king had begun to eat and so he dove in on his own platter, feeling like he hadn't eaten in months. The food at the Houses of Healing were served with the purpose of giving the patients all the nutrition they needed, but the tastes were far from thrilling.

Éowyn didn't mind her food. She glanced over at the table and counted the heads, noticing that they were only thirteen and thus one short. She leaned closer to her husband and dropped her voice to a whisper.

"Lord Peregrin, where is he?"

"He will not be joining us" Faramir said, occupied with his food.

Éowyn looked at him with disbelief.

"You must be joking. Why is he not here?"

"He asked me to be excused. Twenty years of service and I have not once known him to ask to be excused from duty. He said he wouldn't be able to attend and I allowed him the night's leave."

"This is not just a formal supper where he should serve you" Éowyn pointed out. "This is Merry's welcome feast and he is supposed to be dining with us at this table!"

"All the more reason to take his request seriously" Faramir said. "Have you ever known a Perian to pass out on the chance to dine like this? He said he was feeling ill and I sent one of the medics to have a look at him. It is regrettable that he isn't present, but things are the way they are. And Merry does not seem to have noticed yet, so don't you go bring it to his attention."

"It just doesn't seem fitting for him not to be here" Éowyn insisted.

"Are you questioning my judgment?" Faramir asked in a tone which Éowyn knew he never used lightly.

"Of course not" she said, backing down and trying to focus on her food. But she glanced at Merry across the table and felt it sad that this was his great night and his best friend was not there to share it.

**XX  
XX**

Merry felt his head spinning and grabbed a hold of the doorknob to make sure he wouldn't start swaying. He had had a few glasses of wine to drink with dinner and it seemed like he was not as used to alcohol now as they had all assured him he had once been. He had been walked back to his new chambers by Legolas and Gimli and he was glad it was those two and not someone else; at least he believed this pair would not laugh at him if he appeared too intoxicated.

"It was a lovely evening" Legolas said. "But we must get you into bed. No more alcohol for you in a while."

"Take tomorrow to rest" Gimli said. "Your head might need it."

"I don't think this is usual for me" Merry said apologetically. "You're right; I should get into bed right away."

Gimli pulled him close for a hug and gave him a pat on the back.

"We're so proud of you, laddie! You did well tonight! Like you always do."

"Good night" Legolas said.

Merry bid them both goodnight and then walked inside his new chambers. The room was pitch black, he blinked to help his eyes adjust but the alcohol appeared to be making the process slower. With a shrug to his shoulder he went over to the bed he barely was able to make out in the darkness and began to undress.

A sudden deep sigh made him jump back. Then as he paused to listen he realised that he was hearing someone else sleeping, someone who was either supposed to share this room or who had gotten too intoxicated and gone into the wrong room by mistake. As his eyes grew accustomed to the lack of light he began to see more things in the room and was able to make out a second bed where someone was crawled up in a foetal position, fast asleep. He tiptoed over to the bed and leaned over to see who it was. As he had guessed it was Pippin, curled up under the covers. Even in the scarce light Merry could see that his eyes appeared swollen, as if he had been crying.

Merry backed away from Pippin and went back to his own bed. The joy he had felt all night went away and a much sadder feeling came over him. He knew he had not had the chance to speak with Pippin during the evening, in fact he had not even seen him, and he wondered what had happened to make Pippin retreat early and apparently with such sadness.

He finished undressing and crawled into his own bed. When he did, he noticed that there was no pillow. He glanced over at Pippin and saw that he had one, but Merry's was gone. It didn't matter to him anyway. He didn't mind sleeping without a pillow. Though right now he wished he was sleeping alone and not sharing his chambers with somebody else. Especially Pippin. He closed his eyes and tried to go to sleep, but felt tears starting to fall down his own cheeks.

**XX  
XX**

He woke up the next morning with a headache, a sick stomach and feeling like his mouth had been completely dried out. He squinted in the daylight that filled the room and realised why Legolas had told him to rest this day. If this was how you felt the day after consuming a lot of alcohol then he would drink nothing but water from now on. At least for the rest of the week. Or unless someone really wanted him to taste the wine.

He sat up and rubbed his aching temples, hoping that it was only the effects of the alcohol that made it hurt. He then cast a glance over at Pippin's bed and found the other Hobbit fully dressed in one of his ceremonial outfits, sitting on the bed with his back leaned against the wall and a pillow in his arms.

"Good morning" Merry mumbled, the only thing he could think of to say.

"Stay in bed" Pippin said. "You're hung over from last night."

"Yes I think so too" Merry complained and rubbed his temples harder. "Though it could just be the load of all the names I had to try and learn last night. Who would have thought I knew so many people with such long names?"

"I must be going, I have to report for duty in fifteen minutes" Pippin said. "But I have something for you before I go. It might help you remember."

Pippin got up and walked over to Merry. He handed him the pillow he had been holding in his arms, the one he had taken from Merry's bed the night before.

"It's a pillow" Merry stated. "I was wondering why I didn't have one last night."

"It's not just a pillow" Pippin said. "It's **your** pillow. You preferred to sleep only on that pillow and would drag it with you when we travelled here. You claimed it fit your head better than any other pillow could. I made sure it was saved when you disappeared; now that you're back it once again belongs to you. Perhaps it can help you remember something."

Merry nodded, not wanting to make Pippin disappointed. But it was just a pillow, and an old one at that. He made up his mind to ask for a new and better pillow as soon as his headache went away.

**XX  
XX**

"Are you feeling better today, Master Peregrin?" Faramir asked and waved to a servant to bring Pippin some breakfast. "Come, sit. You look like you're in better need of a meal than I am of having you serve me one."

Pippin sat down and thanked his lord. His stomach was growling so loud he could barely hear his own thoughts, and the food all smelled wonderfully.

"My apologies for not being able to attend last night" he said and grabbed a spoon to attack his eggs with.

"Do not apologise" Faramir said. "I just hope you are feeling better today."

"I am" Pippin said.

Éowyn looked at him from across the table. He did seem well enough now. She wondered what might have been the matter the day before that would have kept him from attending the grand supper.

"Master Peregrin will you practice my fencing with me today?" Elboron asked.

"Not today Elboron" Faramir said. "Peregrin will be with me today."

Pippin silently thanked Faramir for getting him out of fencing practice. He had a strong feeling Faramir knew how much he disliked it and if he had been feeling under the weather the day before he would certainly not be up for it.

"How is Merry this morning?" Éowyn asked.

"Feeling the consequences of the previous night" Pippin said. "How much wine and ale did he have to drink?"

"As much as he normally would have" Éowyn said.

"He must not have had a lot of alcohol to drink while he was away" Pippin said. "I rarely saw him like this earlier."

"Finish your breakfast and then come meet me in my chambers" Faramir said and rose from the tables. "There are some matters that I wish to discuss with you this morning Master Peregrin."

"I will be in shortly" Pippin assured him. When Faramir had left he turned to Éowyn. "For how long will you be staying?"

"Faramir has to be back by the end of the week" Éowyn said. "I however intend to stay for as long as Merry needs me."

Pippin bit his lip and looked down at his breakfast. He wondered for how long that would be. Surely it would be for some time, for how would they expect Merry to do without the one person he could remember?

**XX  
XX**

"Sit down, Master Peregrin" Faramir said.

Pippin obediently sat down and brushed a few crumbs off his sleeve. He was glad to be done with breakfast; hopefully getting started with his day would help keep his mind off everything else that was going on.

"As long as I am here you will be serving me, but you know that already" Faramir said. "Though I have to wonder, given all that is happening, if you would not be more comfortable getting to be free and not be of any service. It feels wrong to force an old friend to serve you when his life has been turned on its head."

"I don't mind" Pippin said. "In fact I welcome it. There are too many things to think about and working keeps those thoughts at bay."

"Anything I need know about?" Faramir asked. "Will it affect your work?"

"No" Pippin said.

"I get the feeling there is something you're not telling me" Faramir said. "It may not be my business to know what it is, but since I have given you the option not to work I don't want anything getting in the way of your service. I think that is only fair to ask."

"There is something bothering me" Pippin said after much hesitation. "Though can I speak to you as a friend and not as an esquire?"

"Certainly" Faramir said.

"I was not ill last night."

"No?" Faramir said after a pause.

"No. I'm sorry that I lied to you, I just didn't see any other way. All I knew was I wouldn't be able to attend that party, it was too difficult for me."

"Difficult how? I was there when Master Meriadoc was lost; it's been my belief that since that day you have been praying he would return."

"It turns out one should be careful what they wish for" Pippin said unhappily. "Not that I'm sorry he is alive, it's just that things changed irreversibly when he came back. And it ruined something I have believed in all my life."

"I understand things are different" Faramir said with a nod. "He cannot remember anything, that must be hard to get used to."

"I know it's bad of me to be upset and act this way when he is alive and that is all that should matter, but…"

"But what?"

"I don't know if you would understand. It's complicated. It involves our past."

"Why don't you try me?"

Pippin shook his head. He would never be able to make Faramir understand. There was nothing he could say to make anyone understand.

"I'm sorry" he said. "I shouldn't have said anything. Forget it. I am probably just tired and confused and feeling lost since I don't know how to relate to him when he doesn't remember who I am."

"That will come in time" Faramir assured him. "There must be a reason why he doesn't remember you. We don't know what happened to him while he was gone, the answer might lie there and if it does we may never know. He remembers Éowyn; if he remembers her that means he hasn't forgotten everything completely. Then he should be able to remember everything again. Just wait and see."


	14. Picking up the Pieces

**Minas Tirith, November of 1436**

When Merry had been back for three months he began to feel restless. He had no real work to do, as he served Éomer King and he had returned to Rohan. When Éowyn was there he wouldspend most of his days with herbut she could not come as often as Merry would like her to. He loved having her there, even though he could not remember many specific meetings between them in the past he had recognised her from the first day and he knew who she was. Being in her company was easy and free of any pressure, for she didn't need him to remember her. He already did. When he was with her he could talk about anything on his mind and wonder about anything at all. He needed someone in his life to have that connection with and he missed it when she was in Ithilien. He wished he could travel there with her but he hadn't dared to ask, in case it would be considered inappropriate. He knew he had sworn allegiance to her brother but he didn't know if that meant he had also sworn it to her and could work in her service. Nor did he know if he was expected to want to service the king first and later on service the lady. There were so many rules, both written and unwritten, and he had a hard time learning them all.

He shared his chambers with Pippin, but rarely saw him. Pippin was up from early morning, dividing his time between the king and the prince, and did not get back until late at night. As far as Merry knew he never took any time for himself, all he did was work. When they were alone in their chambers they rarely spoke, Merry didn't know what to say and Pippin rarely seemed to have anything to say at all. Though sometimes he looked at Merry with eyes that seemed so hurt that it made Merry afraid. He could not shake the feeling that this Hobbit felt Merry owed him something, something he would never be able to give. It was as if they had gotten stuck in a bad pattern and didn't know how to get out of it. Merry wasn't even sure that either one of them had the energy to get out of it. Merry was exhausted enough trying to remember and Pippin worked so hard at the citadel.

Pippin was however not quite as busy as Merry thought he was. It was true that he reported in early each morning and didn't retreat to his chambers until late at night, but in-between he had a lot of free time on his hands. Elboron had been put under more strict schooling and Pippin only accompanied him in the afternoons. He spent his mornings helping Aragorn sort though what seemed like a never-ending pile of paper work, something which he had gotten a lot of practice at as the Thain. But once he had had his second breakfast he was free to do whatever he wished until after his afternoon tea, except on the rare occasions when he took up his old duties as citadel guard. He chose not to go back to his chambers on the days when he had time to spare, since he wanted to be away from Merry as much as he could.

He spent a lot of his time managing correspondence with his family back in the Shire, keeping an eye on the affairs of Tuckburough from a distance. He also spent a lot of time working on a new saddle which he was making for the return journey. He had begun to learn the craft of handling leather and had made up his mind to complete a saddle all on his own. In the back of his mind he had decided that when the saddle was finished he would go back home. He had been away for long enough; the only thing keeping him here was Merry. He knew he could not return without him but he also knew that Merry was not ready. Regardless of what their relationship was now, Pippin could still see that Merry needed more time to find his feet back on steady ground. There could be no talk of a long journey to yet another crowd he wouldn't remember until he was safe and secure in this environment. The situation had to be dealt with one thing at a time.

Secretly Pippin feared what would happen when they returned. In the Shire Merry had family, relatives who would all be eager to hear what had happened to him and who would suffocate him within minutes. But it was not just the people there that worried Pippin. While there were a lot of things for Merry to adjust to in Gondor things were still relatively simple there. They visited, they served their lords, they went home. In the Shire Merry was bound by a whole set of obligations, commitments and promises. At least he had been when he disappeared. Pippin did not know if people would expect him to honour those commitments upon his return and regardless of whether or not they would there were problems. If they expected him to then Merry would be thrown into several roles which he had no knowledge of now and would not be able to handle. If they did not expect him to then all the things that should be his by right would be gone if he later got his memory back. Staying in Gondor was the best thing right now, with any luck Merry would regain his memory before they had to leave.

Pippin had not told anybody in the Shire that Merry was alive. There was no point in telling them, they would find out sooner or later anyhow. Though it was hard writing to those at home who were wondering what was prolonging his stay when he could not give them the real reason why. He did not want to make up lies so all he told them was that some affairs had come up and he needed to tend to them before he could leave. He would remain in Gondor indefinitely.

As for his own relationship with Merry, he felt more lost now than he had ever been. He could not look at his cousin without being overcome by a sense of hurt, too great for him to handle. It didn't seem fair that he had been forced to go though all of this. First losing his cousin and having to believe that he was dead, then have him returned after so many years and that only making matters worse. Pippin knew he was not sorry that Merry had returned, that was not what his sorrow was about. Knowing that Merry was alive and well was a comfort to him, but this was not how it should have been. He and Merry should have rejoiced in their reunion, knowing that nothing was wrong in the world anymore now that they were together. All the years apart should have vanished and been forgotten and they would have picked up the pieces right where they were shattered and together mended them so that you could never even tell they had been shattered in the first place.

Instead Pippin shared his chambers with a stranger, someone who looked and sounded like his old best friend but who failed to reach Pippin or even tried to do so. Had it not been for Merry recognising Éowyn he would almost have believed that it was not really him, even though there were physical signs which could not been denied. They had had this discussion the evening he was found, Gimli had been sceptical since the Hobbit they had found did not know who they were. Pippin had been sure however, not just because he would have known his cousin anywhere but he had recognised the scar above his eyebrow, and a scar on his left hand from when he had been slicing tomatoes the summer before he disappeared. It was Merry, at least by body. By spirit it could be anybody.

The fact that Merry recognised Éowyn was a spot so sore for Pippin that he could not stand seeing the two in each other's company. He liked Éowyn, he had never had anything but respect for her, but whenever she was together with Merry it was a painful reminder that Merry had forgotten his best friend but remembered a woman he had spent far less time with. It wounded Pippin's ego that Merry would recognise someone other than him, all his life he had believed he was the person closest to Merry but if that were the case then he wouldn't remember only Éowyn. When had Éowyn become such an important person in Merry's life that he would remember her and only her through all the forgotten years?

Somewhere in the back of his mind Pippin knew that this would all have to be dealt with sooner or later. In order for him to be able to have any kind of relationship with Merry at all they would have to sort though this. Though not yet. The last thing Merry needed right now was to be burdened with Pippin's jealousy and wounded pride. Preferably it would be dealt with when Merry had gotten his memories back, whenever that might be. He would have to wait and see, if Merry showed no signs of remembering Pippin would eventually have to have that talk with him anyway. But still there was hope, although some days Pippin woke up wishing his cousin would not remember anything for a few days still. He went back and forth from praying his cousin would remember to pray that it would be a while yet. He wasn't sure what foot to stand on anymore.

On top of the other burdens Pippin was beginning to crumble under the pressure that seemed to have been weighing down on his shoulders ever since his last visit to Gondor. People expected him to act a certain way when it came to Merry, they had their view of what a great friendship was like and they expected Pippin to rejoice accordingly now just as they had expected him to grieve accordingly in the past. But Pippin was not like that; he could not feel a certain way or act it out the way they expected him to just because people felt he should. His reactions were different, and people had a hard time understanding that. The night of Merry's return Pippin had gone to sleep with the relief of knowing that from now on he would not have to put on a show or adjust his actions to fit the view others had of how he should be behaving. It had not taken him long to realise that the burden was still very much there and would never leave him completely. It would be even worse in the Shire, where everybody would expect him and Merry to be like each other's shadows again. Pippin was sick and tired of acting like they wanted him to act, part of him wished he could just disappear as Merry had done and be rid of all his troubles. But there were too many things holding him back, people who relied on him.

During the years after Merry's supposed death Pippin had slowly but steadily built his life back up again. He had formed a new life based on him being without Merry and had made it work. He realised now that he was unwilling to let that change. He liked the life he had now and he had worked long and hard to have it this way. Yet there was no place for Merry in this life. The presence of his cousin would change everything, and Pippin didn't know that he had the strength to start all over again. Especially now when he had a wife and a son, who would also be affected by it all.

There was just no getting around it. All of his life he had been defined through Merry Brandybuck. Even in death his cousin had marked the greatest influence on his life and been what others defined Pippin Took by. Pippin felt strongly that he wanted no part of that anymore. He wanted to be regarded as just himself, as Pippin Took, not as the Hobbit who was always together with Merry. His life was his own and nobody else's, the constant presence of Merry was beginning to turn into a road block. It seemed to him now that all his hopes of creating a life where he was not viewed alongside Merry had all vanished upon his cousin's return.

**XX  
XX**

Merry sat curled up on a windowsill looking out over the city which was being subjected to one of the bigger rainfalls so far this autumn. The weather outside was as gloomy as Merry felt inside. He drew his cape around him and realised he felt cold. But most of all he was bored and lonely. He longed for the return of Éowyn, he knew she would be there by the end of the following week but it seemed so far away. She was his pillar of strength and his rock to cling on to. Although he had no memories of things they had done together he remembered her very vividly and knew that they had been friends before. Because of his memories of her she never pressured him like the others did, he already knew who she was so she didn't have to try and help him awaken any memories. He knew she wished he would remember the things they had experienced together but he also knew that in the end she was glad that he just knew who she was. The few memories he had of them together were the things he cherished the most, apart from being in her company.

Merry lifted his head apathetically when he noticed Aragorn walking by and didn't know if he was happy or annoyed when the king stopped and walked up to talk to him. Part of him wanted something to do other than to stare out the window and somebody to keep him company, but another part of him just wanted to be left alone. Most of all he felt like he wanted to choose his own company.

"I never used to know any Hobbits to look morose" Aragorn said. "Now I think the two of you are competing over who can keep that look up the longest."

"I cannot be happy all the time" Merry said with a sigh. "Is it so odd that I feel low? I keep wondering where I am supposed to be right now and who is missing me. If you had not found me that day what would I be doing now?"

"You were unconscious when we found you; chances are you would be dead now if you hadn't been brought back here."

"But say I hadn't ended up in that shrubbery" Merry said. "What if the event that lead me there never occurred? Where would I have been right now, and in whose company? Somebody out there must be wondering where I am!"

"I feel for them" Aragorn said. "I know what it is like. But in the end Merry this is where you ought to be. The answer to your questions is that you should be right here right now. Only the question should not be regarding your doings if you hadn't ended up in that shrubbery, the question should be regarding what you would have done all these years had you never gotten lost in the first place."

"Sometimes I wonder if I really got lost" Merry said. "Sometimes I wonder if I didn't just find my way home. But I don't know, that's the problem. I might have spent the past decade in misery, longing to be back here. I might also have spent it in contentment, someplace I hoped I would never have to leave."

"A lot of things were taken from you when the orcs attacked you that day" Aragorn said. "But they are all given back to you now. They are within your reach, waiting for you to remember them and embrace them again."

"It was orcs who did it?" Merry asked.

"We think so. We found evidence that you had been in a battle with a party of orcs by the river banks."

"Odd, isn't it?" Merry remarked. "That I remember what an orc is but I don't remember this city."

"I suppose things we learn, skills and information, they stick with you even when you forget everything else. But things like people, places and bonds are lost. Memories seem to be divided into different kinds, and you can lose one but keep the other."

"I would like to have something to do during the days" Merry said, not interested in digging deeper into Aragorn's line of thoughts. "I walk around these halls and I do nothing, just wait for my memories to come back to me. Well what if they don't? Am I just to spend the rest of my life doing nothing?"

"What would you like to be doing?"

"I want to be at the Houses of Healing" Merry said. "Herblore interests me."

"Very well then" Aragorn said. "I shall go arrange for you to study herblore at the House of Healing as of tomorrow."

"Not just study them" Merry said. "Collect them, grow my own pharmacy. And treat sick people with them. Otherwise there is no point in it."

"One thing at a time" Aragorn said. "I will go make the arrangements now. Perhaps they will be ready for you tomorrow."

Merry nodded and thanked him as he left. At least being at the Houses would give him something to do with his time. He wondered if perhaps he was out of line asking to get to be there but the king had now given him his consent and Merry decided that would have to be proof enough that it was in its order. Though strangely he did not feel like he looked forward to it. All he wanted was to close his eyes, go to sleep and wake up somewhere where the world made sense again.

Without noticing it he fell asleep. He did not know for how long he had been sleeping when a cool hand on his forehead woke him up. Legolas looked at him with concerned eyes and sat down on the windowsill next to him.

"No need to look concerned" Merry said. "I'm not ill, just tired. Everybody thinks I'm fragile but I'm really not."

"Hobbits are a sturdy folk" Legolas said.

Merry smiled slightly. Legolas was one of the people he felt more comfortable with. He noticed that Gimli was there as well, and came to wonder how come these two were so often in each other's company. He could think of no queerer match, the tall, gentle and subtle Elf together with the short, brusque and loud noised Dwarf. Though it seemed that they found in each other qualities they lacked in themselves. Perhaps it was not true that like should always be with like.

"I know you think we're pampering you laddie" Gimli said. "Though you've been away for so long, you owe it to us to let us baby you."

"I seem to owe a lot to everyone" Merry commented.

"We had a family once" Legolas said and pulled one of his legs up underneath him. "Probably the strangest family you would ever see, at least if you only looked as far as what the eye could see. But we had bonds formed through much toil, weariness and shared adventures. We feel that bond with you still; you belong with us whether or not you feel it too. There are some agreements that you can't go back on. But we mean not to pressure you, whether or not you remember anything at all is really not relevant. All that is important to Gimli and me is that you respect the bonds that were and that you have understanding for the way people look at you."

"Believe me, I want to remember" Merry said. "If only so that I can end this trouble for you all. I know it hurts you that I don't remember and I'm sorry for that, I don't wish to cause you any harm or pain. It's hard for all of us. My head is so filled with wonderings and there's nowhere to turn to find out more. All these questions without answers are driving me out of my mind. And I've noticed that you are all reluctant to tell me anything about my past. Why is that?"

"You need to remember it on your own laddie, or you will never believe in it" Gimli said. "And we don't want to feed you our stories and memories and watch you suffocate under all this information which you don't know what to do with. We have been talking, Legolas and I, and we feel that perhaps we should all try and forget what was before and concentrate on building a new friendship, one that you feel that you own as much as we do. Something new and fresh."

"Pippin said something similar" Merry recalled.

"Though our opinions differ somewhat as to whether or not it will be possible" Legolas said. "For me it is not possible to let go of the memories for they are very vivid to me. Your presence still lingers here, the Hobbit you used to be, all the things we said and did and shared. Those things never really go away, they stay with you forever. I am willing to try but I cannot make any promises."

"Fair enough" Merry said.

"You said that Pippin said something similar?" Gimli asked.

"Yes, a month ago or so. Perhaps it was longer ago than that. Though he didn't say it quite as… kindly."

"You mustn't pay attention to his anger or sadness" Gimli said. "He has tried to be strong for eleven years, that is a long time for anybody to struggle. Sooner or later he reaches the point where he cannot do it anymore and when he does he will react with force. He cares about you a lot, whether or not he dares to let you know it. He has become a master of hiding how he feels."

"Our opinions regarding Pippin differs somewhat too" Legolas said with a glance at Gimli. "In my opinion he has no reason to treat you this way, he is the one who should stand the closest by you."

"It's not so easy to stand by someone who doesn't want you there" Gimli said angrily to Legolas, forgetting momentarily that Merry was there.

"Is it not when you want your friends the least that the truest friends hold on?" Legolas retorted.

"I ask you not to speak about me like I wasn't even here!" Merry said. "Who are you to judge my other so called friends if this is how you treat me? I have lost my memory, not my hearing or my wits. I am not some ignorant fool whose head you can speak above and I ask you if you are my friends not to do it. And don't defend Pippin's actions to me; he can speak up for himself. I don't want to hear whose side you're on."

"We love you both" Gimli said. "But we have seen him and how the loss of you affected him. After everything that he has been through he deserves better than what he is currently getting. Now I am not saying that you should play some game to please him, but I do expect you to give him a fair chance and to recognise those who loved you the most. Those who never for a moment forgot what you meant to them. You gave something important to a lot of people; do not turn your back on that now no matter how little you remember."

"Gimli we should go" Legolas said and got back on the ground. "Merry does not need this lecture right now."

"Stop telling me what I need or do not need!" Merry angrily said. "Don't tell me what I feel or do not feel anymore, don't tell me what I should or should not do!"

"I won't tell you what to do" Gimli said. "You can do, feel and need whatever you wish. But I will tell you this, don't you ever betray those who were a part of your soul once in your life. You can walk over whoever you want, crush whatever part of your past that you see fit, but you cannot turn your back on everything. Most importantly you can never betray those who care. In the end we are all you've got."

"Gimli we are leaving" Legolas said firmly and gave Merry an apologising look before he strode off with the upset Dwarf.

Merry sighed deeply and leaned his head back. Start their friendships over, indeed. There were too many problems lying in-between, no friendship could exist between them today without the scars of the friendships that had been there before. Merry closed his eyes hard and longed for Éowyn's company.


	15. Of Herbs and Wounded Rabbits

**Minas Tirith, November of 1436**

Pippin woke Merry up early the next morning. At first Merry groaned and curled up in a little ball, wanting to go back to sleep, but Pippin's shakes were persistent.

"Get up" he said. "Get up now or you will be late."

"What time is it?" Merry moaned and reluctantly opened his left eye.

"Almost five o'clock" Pippin said. "You have to be dressed, fed and at the House of Healing at a quarter to six! I let you sleep until now but I honestly don't think you will be able to be there on time unless you get up right this minute."

Shivering in the cold morning Merry sat up and pulled his covers off him. Pippin was already fully dressed in one of his ceremonial outfits and Merry couldn't help but wonder at what time he had gotten up. He had almost forgotten that he was going to get to be at the House of Healing today, and had he known it would mean such an early morning he would have gotten to bed a lot sooner. He wondered how Pippin managed; he often went to bed at about the same time as Merry did.

"Let me run and fetch you some breakfast" Pippin said. "You can eat it here, by the table in the corner, though you need to hurry. Aragorn usually arranges for me to be able to have second breakfast if I'm not on any of my more formal duties, I am sure he will have made similar arrangements for you, so don't worry about going hungry."

Merry mumbled something incoherent and reached for the towel on his endtable. Pippin disappeared and came back with a tray filled with scrambled eggs and some sausages just when Merry had gotten his clothes on and was beginning to be able to control his yawnings. He sat down to eat and noticed Pippin beginning to make his bed.

"Don't they have people who do that for us?" he asked.

"I have a minute to spare, I might as well do it" Pippin answered.

"Can I ask you something?" Merry asked while wolfing down his breakfast at an impressive speed.

"Sure."

"Do you think it was odd for me to ask to get to be at the House of Healing? After all I am just a Hobbit, maybe it's not my place?"

"I think had I asked to be there it would have been odd" Pippin said and tucked the bedspread in under the new pillow Merry had gotten without showing a trace of having noticed that it wasn't Merry's old one.

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that Hobbits in general probably wouldn't ask to be there" Pippin said. "And no Perian has ever worked there as far as I am aware of. But you've always taken an interest in herbal medicine so I don't find it queer, nor do I think Aragorn does."

"So that's something I did in the past?" Merry asked and finished his glass of orange juice in one sweep.

"Ever since you were little" Pippin told him and handed him a toothbrush. "Here, brush your teeth. Then we must get going. It's nearly half past five already!"

"It's comforting, knowing that I have some interests left from my earlier life" Merry said and obediently brushed his teeth at lightning speed.

"It never made much sense to me that you could be so interested in digging up old roots and drying up leaves" Pippin said and handed Merry his cape as they walked out the door. "I never had the patience for it. But it was Uncle Saradoc's pride that you took such an interest in it, among Brandybucks it is considered a very noble occupation."

"Saradoc? Is that my father?"

"Yes, and my uncle by marriage" Pippin said as they hurried down the halls. "Come along, we must make haste!"

"Was I any good at it?"

"I suppose so. I really can't tell you, for I never understood any of it myself. But Uncle Saradoc was proud enough to burst so I assume that you were quite talented. You sure had a lot of practice."

"Really?"

"You used to be out walking in the woods a lot with Frodo and Bilbo Baggins when you were younger, and then with me and Folco Boffin as well when we got older. If you found a wounded animal you would bring it back to your father's halls to cure it and make it better. It was rather charming; at least I know the lasses thought so. One winter you dragged home two wounded bunnies and didn't check whether they were both male or female bunnies, so before long you had a whole flock of them. Auntie Esmeralda was displeased; I remember that, for they were anything but housebroken. I also recall a lot of bunny stew being served at Brandy Hall that spring."

Merry grinned.

"Esmeralda, is that my mother's name?"

"Yes, and she was born a Took, sister to my father."

"Then that makes you andI first cousins."

"Exactly" Pippin said and opened the door leading out to the courtyard. "Hurry up now, I would be ashamed to show up with you late."

"Saradoc and Esmeralda" Merry said and pondered the names. "My parents… How peculiar."

"All through my childhood you used to drag animals home and try to cure them back to life. Sometimes you succeeded, sometimes you failed. But I remember I was angry when I was little and I wanted you to play with me, but you insisted on sitting by some wounded duck or fox all day long."

"And my father, he was proud of me?" Merry asked with a smile.

"Yes. Except that time when you were fifteen and you came home with a skunk that had a broken leg. I have rarely seen Uncle Saradoc so upset with you, yet you were as stubborn as I've ever seen you. You wouldn't normally talk back to your father but in this case you refused to give in. In the end he won of course, but if memory serves me right you pondered running away to the Great Smials where I lived."

"Did I?"

"No, your anger never lasted long."

"What about my parents now?" Merry asked. "Saradoc and Esmeralda… Are they still alive?"

"No" Pippin said with sadness in his voice. "Uncle Saradoc died two years ago; Auntie Esmeralda has been dead for eight. I don't think my uncle ever really recovered, he was not the same since I returned without you."

"He was that sad that I was gone?"

"I don't want to tell you too much… But there was a time earlier in your life when you left the Shire and your parents thought you would never return again. I think Uncle Saradoc took it harder than he let on that his heir was presumed dead. You were their only child and the… well, things would have been complicated had you died. And then you did die. At least as far as we all knew. He was strong enough to face it once but twice proved to be too much I think. And your poor mother was heartbroken, she was ill when you died and I think she lost the will to recover when her only child was gone. She held out for a few years but she was frail and eventually she gave in."

"I killed my parents" Merry sighed. "I was hoping to get to see them again."

"You didn't kill anybody" Pippin said and nodded to the guard standing by the doors at the House of Healing as they passed by him. "Neither of them were young. Besides, what happened was out of your control."

"You said I was my father's heir" Merry said. "Heir to what?"

Luckily for Pippin they were met up and interrupted by one of the old women working at the Houses, and he didn't have to answer Merry's question.

"You behave now" he said and gave Merry a pat on the shoulder. "I have to go; I have a whole heap of paper work waiting for me."

The next thing Merry knew Pippin was gone and the old woman had begun to lead him down a hallway, going on and on about something or other, and for a brief moment Merry wondered if this had all been a mistake.

"Now come sit in here and we will find you something to do" the woman said and led him into a study.

When he stepped inside Merry knew it hadn't been a mistake. He gaped and looked at the room he was in filled with wonder. Two of the walls had bookcases that ran along the entire wall, and each bookcase was filled with thick books. Merry could see from the titles that they all dealt with flora, fauna, medicine, herblore and anatomy. He felt like he could read each and every one of them. The room was not laid out like he was used to rooms being, he had entered through one of the long walls and to his right there was a wall with a large window overlooking the gardens, the only window in the room. Underneath the window was a work station where one could prepare herbs in different ways and even study them through a thick glass which made them appear larger than they were. There was also a writing desk, where one could work from. To his left there were two armchairs to sit in when you were reading from the books. In the middle of the room he saw a large collection of plants, some of them grown there and others brought in, most of them waiting to be studied or dried.

"This is amazing" he said.

"You should see the larger study, this one is just the secondary" the woman said with a voice filled with pride.

"I don't think I've seen anything so grand in my whole life!"

"The King said to leave you here, but you are not to touch any of the plants until one of our herblore specialists has made sure you know what you are doing. There are books for you to read if you want to know more about any specific plant."

"I'll be happy to read all of them" Merry said.

"Then by all means do" the woman said. "I will stop by with your second breakfast later in the morning."

With that she left him alone. Merry walked slowly through the room and smiled. He reached out his hand and gently touched anything it came in contact with. The whole room felt warm and welcoming, it felt like a place where he belonged, he instinctively knew that it was true that he had loved herblore earlier in his life.

He grabbed a book at random from one of the bookshelves and sat down in an armchair to read it. It was a whole book dedicated to trees and what bark you could use for what purposes. It was an odd feeling reading about it, some things he knew he must have known previously for it felt like he was being reminded rather than learning it anew. Other things were completely new to him and he read those chapters time and time again.

The old woman, Erfia, brought him meals through the course of the day and the only time he took a pause was to eat. He didn't notice how late it was getting and after what felt like only a couple of hours there was a knock on the door and a soldier told him he was expected to attend supper in the king's halls.

Merry glanced at the clock on the wall. It was indeed supper time already. His day had gone by so fast. He put his book aside, placing the leaf of a birch tree as a bookmark, and for the first time could not wait for the next day to begin so he could spend another twelve hours studying. When he realised he had indeed spent twelve hours at the Houses of Healing it dawned on him that he had missed dinner, but that was a minor matter. He had gotten to eat at the Houses and if the king had wanted his presence he would have sent for him.

By now Merry had learned that on a normal day in Minas Tirith dinner was a formal meal where the king and the nobles of the city dined together in one of the larger dining halls. Supper on the other hand was more informal and the king normally gathered his family and closest friends for a quiet meal together. It was only when there was a special occasion, such as a celebration or a prominent guest, that supper was the grandest meal of the day.

**XX  
XX**

In the king's private dining room Merry was surprised to see that he was not the only one who hadn't arrived on time. Pippin and Legolas were both still missing from the table, but the meal had begun anyway and Merry quickly sat down in his seat and tried to pretend that he had been present all along.

"How was your first day at the Houses?" Aragorn asked him without looking up from his supper.

"Grand" Merry said with a huge smile. "The best day as far back as I can remember! It's all so interesting; I can't wait to get to work with the actual herbs."

"One thing at a time" Aragorn said. "First concentrate on reading up about them; we don't know how much you have forgotten."

Merry nodded and thought that it wasn't so bad to have to spend a few weeks reading. It was all so interesting and the feeling he got when he saw something familiar was as if he was unlocking some of his lost memory. Secretly he wondered if spending time studying herblore would help him remember other things, people and places which were still unknown and forgotten to him.

After a few minutes Pippin came storming in, obviously in a hurry, with Legolas in tow. While Legolas calmly sat down and ate a slice of bread before beginning to work on supper Pippin threw himself down on a chair and began munching at his supper so fast he barely had the time to chew it.

"What's with our young Hobbit today?" Gimli had to ask.

"He missed dinner" Legolas said with an amused smile.

Pippin didn't say anything; he just reached for his glass and downed what was in it without even noticing what he was drinking. Merry could understand his hunger, missing dinner would be awful, but he had never thought to see anybody eat like this in the presence of a king.

When he saw Pippin Merry remembered what they had talked about that morning. Pippin had mentioned some things about his family but they had been interrupted before Merry had been able to ask any questions. Confident that everyone at the table knew most of it already he didn't mind asking Pippin here and now, and perhaps it would slow the other Hobbit down and make him appreciate the food a bit.

"This morning you said I was my father's only heir" he said. "Heir to what, and who has taken my place since then?"

Pippin stopped chewing his food and looked up at Merry. Then he swallowed the bite he had been working on and returned to his meal without an answer. Merry frowned; annoyed that he wasn't given an answer when Pippin obviously had heard him.

"You shouldn't ask too much about those things" Gimli said. "It's better not to tell you, you have to see for yourself."

"Figures you wouldn't be any help" Merry muttered under his breath and chewed on a potato with a grumpy look on his face. His cheerful mood seemed to have vanished for now, which made him even more annoyed since he had been feeling great for the first time in months.

"You will have your answers sooner or later" Aragorn said. "Don't be hasty."

That sounded oddly familiar to Merry but he shrugged it aside and reached for his glass of wine. He felt a little better, and decided not to let anything to spoil the day he had had.

"Will you be at the Houses every day this week?" Aragorn asked.

"Every day of the month and year, if you'll let me."

"That is your choice; it makes no difference to me. But the Lady Éowyn arrives from Ithilien in three days and I assumed you would like to see her."

"Absolutely" Merry said with a grin. "She's gone for too long at a time."

"At least when she's gone the rest of us get a chance to see you" Gimli commented and finished his mug of ale.

"Pay him no heed, we are happy that you remember the lady and as far as we are concerned you can spend as much time as you'd like with her" Legolas said.

Merry nodded and finished the last of his supper. Then he stifled a yawn and realised how tired he was. He had not been up this early for ages and he had had a very busy day. Suddenly he longed to get to go to bed, the sooner he fell asleep the sooner the new day would arrive and he could continue to study the books at the Houses of Healing.

Aragorn saw his yawn and suggested he make an early retreat. Merry thanked him and rose from his seat.

"What about you Pippin?" Aragorn asked.

Pippin looked up with eyes that seemed to say _what about me?_

"You must be in need of a good rest as well, with all that food you've just eaten" Aragorn said kindly.

"I'm not tired" Pippin said and continued to eat.

Merry left the room and Aragorn leaned over the table and spoke in a lower tone to Pippin, in case Merry was still close enough to overheard.

"I wasn't referring to you perhaps being tired" he said. "You ought to have gone with him anyway. You need to spend more time together."

"And do what?" Pippin asked. "Read him a bedtime story? He's going to bed, and trust me I hear him sleep every night, that's nothing new."

"Out of all the stubborn Hobbits in the world I cannot make up my mind who is worse, you or Meriadoc!" Gimli roared.

"Calm yourself Gimli" Pippin said and finished his supper.

Aragorn leaned back and looked at Pippin with wondering eyes. If only he could figure out what was wrong, there was some reason why Pippin kept a distance to Merry. Aragorn was utterly confused by it; it was the last thing he ever would have expected. It seemed Pippin had grown further apart from him than he had realised. And for some reason he was walking further into the night instead of coming back out now that he had Merry back by his side.


	16. Warmth During Winter

**Minas Tirith, December of 1436**

Chilly winds blew through the streets of Minas Tirith. It was cold enough for snow to fall but none had come so far this year. But it was winter nonetheless and the days were shorter and the skies duller than during the warm summer months. The people of Minas Tirith bundled up with warm clothes when they were forced to stick their noses out the door. Most of the time they kept indoors, only leaving their homes to run their businesses or buy whatever things they needed.

At the citadel most of the activity for the soldiers took place indoors, and no guard shift lasted for longer than four hours instead of the usual seven. The soldiers spent the winter training for combat, sharpening their swords and mending their uniforms.

Gimli had returned to his home by the Glittering Caves and was not expected to be back for months. Legolas was heading back to Ithilien by the end of the week, with the White Lady in his company as she was on one of her visits to Minas Tirith. The last days before his departure he spent inside, far from the cold winds and grey skies. Only the Hobbits didn't seem bothered by the cold weather and would happily stick their noses outside the door, accustomed to colder winters and longing for some exercise.

Pippin had taken up the habit of going for a long ride each day after second breakfast and although he often came back with bright red cheeks and frost on the curls on his feet he always had a big smile on his face and claimed that the rides were worth it, even though it usually took him half an hour by an open fire and a large mug of hot tea to make his teeth stop shattering.

Merry on his part preferred taking long walks around the streets of Minas Tirith, enjoying the fresh air but preferring the shelter from the wind that the buildings around him offered. Plus the city had the added perk of having lots of stores and inns to visit where he could buy himself a loaf of freshly baked bread or a half pint of ale. His old sense of alcohol was beginning to return to him and he always stopped by at some inn on the way. The people of Minas Tirith had taken up guessing which inn he would choose and some even gambled to earn some money off the simple entertainment.

For the past week Éowyn had been visiting, and Merry had not gone out on his walks when he could be indoors with her instead. Though one morning she suggested that they would go for a walk together and at first it had seemed like a good idea to Merry but once they got out on the streets and he could see the looks they were given he was no longer so sure.

"Don't mind them" Éowyn said cheerfully. "They're not used to seeing a lady walking down the streets when she could be getting her exercise elsewhere. It's me they're looking at, not you."

Merry thought she might be right but he still didn't quite approve of the attention. They walked down one of the main streets until they reached the fifth level, then they turned and followed another main street back up to the seventh.

"I'm so happy that you're here" Merry said through a lowered voice, hoping nobody would be trying to listen in on their conversation. "It's so easy when I'm with you. I don't feel like I have to say anything, or do anything…"

"That will come in time with your other friends as well."

"Did I tell you I remember once when you and I went out riding, and you fell from the horse and hurt your wrist? I had to take the reins at first, but the horse wouldn't let me, so you ended up having to hold the reins too while I pulled them."

"I remember that" Éowyn said. "I got a sprain in my wrist and had to stay indoors for weeks. My brother came to visit and he laughed at me for having fallen off a horse."

Merry laughed. He had forgotten that part. All he had remembered was him and Éowyn out on the open plains, and how he had tried to control the horse but with little luck. He remembered how angry he had been with the horse and how little the horse had cared about his anger.

"We are almost by the gardens at the Houses of Healing" Éowyn noted. "Let's walk through there and get away from all of these eyes."

"I'd rather not, to be honest" Merry said. "There's something about the gardens, I don't feel comfortable there."

"As you wish, we'll go back through the courtyard."

As they walked across the courtyard Merry stuck his hand in hers to keep it warm. He could feel her tense up for a second and he looked at her with questioning eyes.

"I'm sorry, milady" he said. "Perhaps I wasn't allowed to do that? I meant nothing by it, it's just that my hand is freezing and yours feels so warm."

"It's just not considered appropriate" Éowyn said awkwardly.

"Sorry" Merry said again and drew back his hand with blushing cheeks. "I feel so comfortable around you that sometimes I forget myself."

"We need to get you mittens" Éowyn said and smiled slightly.

"You're not mad at me, are you?"

"No Merry, I'm not mad."

"I'm not accustomed to this decorum, I keep worrying that I will make a mistake and that people will frown upon it behind my back. They're too polite to tell me to my face, but I wish they would so I would know not to do it again. I know that they permit it only because of my special situation but sooner or later my situation has to stop being special."

"Both you and Pippin have always violated decorum in various ways" Éowyn said. "Hobbit customs are not quite the same as the customs here. When Pippin first arrived he addressed everybody common, including the steward who ruled Gondor in the absence of the king, something which would have been natural in the Shire but here you would have to be a high ranking official to do so. That's why they think he is a prince of Halflings, and when you arrived and addressed people the same way they began to say that about you too."

"Yet there are some customs which Pippin knows to follow and I don't."

"Pippin has spent a lot more time in Gondor than you have. You swore your allegiance to Rohan, and although many things are the same there some customs are different."

"No it's not that the customs are different, it's that I can't remember them."

"In light of everything else, remembering decorum seems like a minor thing doesn't it?" Éowyn said. "Learn the decorum anew, ask someone to fill you in properly. Don't waste energy on trying to remember things you can learn again, focus on the things that can't be taught."

"You're right" Merry said as they stepped inside the citadel. "As always."

"I'm wrong far more often than you think" Éowyn said with a sigh.

Merry wondered what she meant by that but she didn't offer any further explanations and he had a feeling that asking her to explain it further would not be valid according to decorum.

**XX  
XX**

A week later Éowyn had left and Merry felt lonely without her. He went back to the Houses of Healing and was permitted to start working with the herbs instead of just reading about them, but the loneliness followed him there. For each time Éowyn went away the loneliness got worse, she was a familiarity which he much needed and could not find in anything else save from herblore. But plants and brews could not fill the place of a living person, no matter how interested he was in them.

Towards the end of December winter grew colder but there was still no snow in sight. Merry stopped taking his walks and some days even remained at the citadel instead of going to the Houses of Healing. He had been warned not to go there so much right now when a lot of people came down with the flu, they were worried about his health still and wanted to keep him up and about rather than lying sick in a bed. Merry didn't want to get sick either, but spending only a day or two out of the week at the Houses left him bored and restless. With Legolas and Gimli gone, and Éowyn not set to return for at least a month, he had no one to talk to and nothing to do with his time. Aragorn and Pippin were both busy and he had not formed any relations with the other people at the citadel. He had enough with trying to reconnect with those who claimed to be closest to him, adding new people into the picture required energy he didn't have.

After a few days he began to examine the citadel more closely and find out more about his surroundings. One of the last days of December he found his way into one of Aragorn's private rooms, one he had not been inside before. The room didn't look very special at first sight, but a closer examination told Merry that the furniture was all expensive and probably made by Elves or Dwarves, or heirlooms of some sort. He was unsure of whether or not he was allowed to be there but he had never been given any restrictions as to where he could go so he went inside and sat down by a table.

He didn't know for how long he had been in the room when the door opened and Pippin entered carrying a tray filled with food. With his foot Pippin kicked the door shut, then he noticed Merry and looked unsure for a moment. Then he placed his tray on the table and sat down to eat.

"I know we're not allowed to eat in here" Pippin said. "But what Strider doesn't know won't harm him." Then he lowered his voice to a whisper, even though they were the only ones there. "I'm trying to avoid having to help Eldarion fence after my break, if he finds me in the dining hall I won't be able to get out of it."

Merry nodded and gazed at Pippin's full tray with longing eyes. It was a meal worthy of a Hobbit. A salad sprinkled with mushrooms, some rabbit stew, a large baked potato with cheese and butter melting in it, and a big helping of rice mixed with something Merry didn't recognise, but which looked delicious. Along with it Pippin had grabbed two pieces of bread with butter melting on top and a bowl of fruit salad.

Pippin noticed Merry's longing eyes and handed him his salad fork.

"Here. This is too much for one Hobbit anyway; I really ought to save some room for supper."

"Thanks!" Merry said with a happy grin and dove in on what was nearest, the interesting rice dish.

"So what are you doing in here?" Pippin asked with his mouth full of potato.

"Nothing, really" Merry said. "Being bored. Nobody lets me do anything around here out of fear I will fall ill from strain. I found this room and thought it might be fun, but it wasn't."

Pippin nodded and pinned the largest mushroom on his fork. Merry deserted the rice, realising he ought to leave some for Pippin, and gave the salad a try too. He was hungrier than he had realised. A glance at Pippin told him that he was too, and Merry was touched that he had decided to share his meal.

"Most rooms in this citadel are no fun" Pippin said when he had swallowed the mushroom. "Humans can be quite the bore sometimes."

"Yes the only room I've found so far which I found really to my liking was the kitchen, which they chased me out from. All I did was eat one lousy pie and a bowl of tomatoes; they acted like I had doomed them all to famine! The pie wasn't even that good…"

Pippin roared with laughter, making Merry laugh as well.

"We've all been there" Pippin said with a wink.

More and more Merry was beginning to believe in the friendship between him and Pippin that he had heard so much about. During the past month he had begun to feel it. There was something about the other Hobbit which made him feel like they had indeed been close before. Whenever they were together Merry got a feeling of security and belonging which made him feel good inside. Though Pippin held the key to the friendship they had once shared, and he rarely opened the door and let Merry inside. When he did it made Merry feel light at heart. He regretted now that he had pushed Pippin away before, and couldn't help but wonder if he had ruined something delicate when he did.

Spending time together with Pippin had begun to make Merry wonder about what things were like between them before. Judging by Pippin's behaviour during Merry's first days back it must have been something special. Merry grew more and more curious.

"Did we do this often?" he asked curiously and motioned towards the meal they were sharing.

Pippin didn't reply, he quickly turned his head to listen.

"Is that Aragorn?" he asked, then decided that it was without waiting for an answer. "Quick, where are we going to hide the food? He gets really mad when he catches somebody eating in here!"

But before they had time to do anything Aragorn opened the door and stepped inside, stopping when he noticed the pair eating on his rare Elven table in his private library. The two had frightened and guilty looks on their faces and Pippin slowly put his fork down while even more slowly chewing on his last bite.

"Pippin!" Aragorn said. "Have I not told you not to eat in here? What do I have to do to make you listen?"

Then he noticed that while Pippin was the only one with a tray, he was not the only one eating. Merry was sharing the meal with him. All the lectures Aragorn had had on the tip of his tongue were forgotten; the sight of the two together like this almost frightened him. For a moment he thought he had stepped into the past.

"Don't do it again" was all he said.

"Do you want us to leave?" Merry asked.

"Since you're already halfway through your meal you may stay. But spill one little bit on the table and you'd better be out that door mighty quick."

"Thanks Strider" Pippin mumbled and finished his potato with a guilty look on his face. "It won't happen again."

"That's what you said the last time."

"Last time I was having second breakfast here, that's never going to happen again. This is dinner, it's different."

Aragorn didn't know how to respond to that and sat down with a sigh. Pippin had a way of interpreting things which made them seem perfectly logical though quite far from how they were originally intended.

"Besides, I had to get something to eat before dinner, I'll go crazy if I have to stand there and watch you eat for a full hour before I can tend to my own hunger" Pippin carried on. "Not to mention the sound of my growling stomach would bother you."

"I'll never know how you manage to convince them to let you have a meal before the king has eaten" Aragorn remarked.

"I have puppy eyes and I know how to use them."

"I shouldn't eat anymore of your dinner" Merry said and put his fork down. "You need it better than I do and I'll be having dinner soon anyway."

"Suit yourself" Pippin said with a shrug to the shoulder and took a big bite out of one of the loafs of bread.

For a moment Merry felt like the winter afternoon was not as cold as it had been before. The presence of two friendly people warmed his soul and having gotten what felt like a glimpse of his past bond with Pippin warmed him even more. He was struck with how something as basic as friends could make you warmer when the winds were blowing cold outside the window.

Aragorn leaned back in his seat and lit his pipe. He too felt warmer inside by the company he was with. He had never dreamed he would be spending another winter's evening together with Pippin and Merry, only half a year ago he would have told anybody who suggested so they were crazy. If there was one thing to consider a blessing this year it was by far the return of Merry. Even with the troubles that had come with it it was a gift to them all. Right now Aragorn felt sure that Pippin felt so too, despite his problems with adjustment. There was no resentment in Pippin as to Merry being alive, only a complicated situation which he kept quiet about and tried to deal with on his own. Aragorn was not surprised. Pippin had dealt with the loss of Merry mainly on his own, unwilling to let others in, and now he had probably forgotten how to share his troubles with others.

**XX  
XX**

On the second last day of the year snow began to fall, not a lot of it but enough to make the ground look white. Even though the temperature had actually gone up a few degrees everyone felt like it had gotten colder and the large stone halls of the citadel were hard to keep warm. The Hobbits were offered to wear shoes to protect them from the ice cold floors but both refused, saying they were more comfortable freezing in their own skin than sweating in a pair of shoes, and could they perhaps be given extra servings at dinner and supper to help them keep warm instead?

Merry begun to lit the open fire in the small heater in their chambers, enjoying the warmth it brought and comforted by the crackling sound of the fire. He stole a few sausages from the kitchen and spiked them on wooden sticks, grilling them over the open fire. He offered some to Pippin, but the other Hobbit wasn't interested. He didn't spend much time in their chambers, as Prince Eldarion had a few weeks with no schooling and it was Pippin's job to keep him occupied.

Flu season seemed to have ended for now, or at least decreased, and Merry began going back to the Houses of Healing to fill his days. He spent many hours looking through the huge stack of reports on the writing desk, reports detailing how different herbs should be used and what their effects might be. He wanted to try some of the effects on himself in smaller dosages but when Aragorn heard of it he threatened to ban Merry from the Houses. So he spent most of his time reading, correcting and updating reports, amazed by the detailed system the medics had created. For once he felt like he was doing something useful and contributing to the household, it felt good to give something in return for the nursing and feeding he had been given over the past five months.

The days began to form a pattern. Every morning he was woken up by Pippin who then disappeared to his duties and left Merry alone to wash up, get dressed and find some breakfast. Merry then went to the Houses where he sat with the reports until after second breakfast. He would then take a brisk walk, if it wasn't too cold, before he returned to the paper work. Most days he stayed at the Houses until dinner time, where he was still expected to merely attend and not to serve, as Pippin did. After dinner he had a few hours to himself, where he would tend to whatever might have arisen during the day, mending a shirt or making himself some willow bark tea when he had a headache. Once supper was eaten he would go back to his chambers and sit by the open fire for a couple of hours until Pippin came and got into bed. In many ways it was very lonely. Pippin was right there next to him each evening yet Merry felt like he was all alone.

**XXX**

**XXX**

**XXX**

Happy May Day everyone!


	17. Taking the First Step

**Minas Tirith, February of 1437**

In February the weather suddenly changed and warmer winds began to blow. The little snow that had fallen melted in an afternoon and within two weeks it got warm enough to spend a lot of time outdoors. People started going outside as much as they could, all inhabitants of the citadel save for Merry began taking long walks through the gardens of the Houses of Healing. The result was that almost everyone came down with a cold and Merry was permitted to help the medics hand out herbs and give advice to those who were suffering from headaches, sore throats and running noses. He was not allowed to help nurse those who were placed in beds at the Houses but at least he felt he was doing some use. In the end he ended up being one of few who didn't come down with anything, neither he nor Pippin fell ill during the first weeks of February.

One day Aragorn found Merry perched up on a windowsill, looking out at the city through a window which needed to be cleaned. He had a look on his face which made Aragorn stop and come over to see what was wrong.

"I realised that six months have passed" Merry told him. "Six months since I came here. Half a year. And do you know how far I have gotten since then?"

"How far have you gotten?"

"Nowhere. Not as much as a step. I'm still standing on the exact same spot I stood six months ago. I haven't remembered anything, not one single thing. And it's been six months! The idea of it depresses me…"

"Six months is not all that much time" Aragorn tried to comfort him. "Think of how many months you were gone!"

"135" Merry said. "135 months. Months I will never be getting back. Though who really cares about 135 short months when you consider the fact that there are 516 months, give or take, that I don't remember either prior to going missing, and I will never get those months back either. I am somewhere around 655 months old and I remember 6 of them. That's enough to make anybody depressed."

"If you ask Pippin that much **math** will make anybody depressed" Aragorn tried to joke. "Perhaps you've given this a little too much thought?"

"My whole life is lost to me and I can't get it back. What was my first memory, before I lost all of them? What was my mother like? What kind of childhood did I have, what was my favourite toy and my favourite song? Who was my first friend and who was my first crush? What scar that I carry hurt the most to get? What was my most embarrassing moment and what was my proudest? What was my fondest memory? I don't know! That's the answer to everything: I don't know."

"Somehow you will remember again" Aragorn said. "But the harder you try the harder it gets. Some things work like that, you have to just let them go and they will come to you naturally. You know how you can make yourself slaughter a pig even though you really don't want to, but you can't make yourself go to sleep just by wanting it? Other things in life work that way too. You can't force love for instance; you have to let it come to you."

"You can't force friendships either" Merry said. "It's really very odd… Pippin wanted to be my friend so desperately when I first returned, and I didn't want to be his friend. Now…"

"Now that you don't have to be his friend and you've stopped troubling your mind about it the friendship has begun to awaken in you" Aragorn finished the sentence. "Is that so Merry?"

"I guess it is" Merry said.

"Then there's your first trace of a memory back."

Merry looked unsure. He wasn't quite sure what he wanted as far as Pippin was concerned. Even if he did know he wouldn't have a clue how to get it.

"Talk to Pippin" Aragorn suggested. "You need to sort things out with him before you can begin to think of anything else."

Merry nodded. He knew Aragorn was right. He had to speak with Pippin.

**XX  
XX**

With an uncomfortable feeling in his gut and great insecurity Merry walked into the gardens in search for Pippin. He had been told he could find Master Peregrin there, and though Merry preferred to stay away from the gardens he knew he had to find Pippin before he lost all the courage he had mustered up.

After quickly searching through the gardens for ten minutes he found him, sitting on the grass on a little hill, looking out over the gardens below. It was an odd place, one of the highest spots in the garden but shielded from view by a number of large trees growing below it. One could observe what went on below with little trouble, but no one could see you when you were sitting there. The perfect place to hide, it seemed.

"You will catch that cold if you sit on the ground like that" Merry blurted out.

Pippin slowly turned his head to look at him and then turned it back to whatever he had been looking at before.

"Can I have a word with you?"

"Go ahead and talk."

"Could we perhaps go someplace else? The gardens are unsettling to me."

Pippin turned and gave him another look, this one clearly telling him that if Merry wanted to go someplace else he could, but Pippin was staying put. Merry slowly walked over and unclasped his cape to sit on it. The grass was wet and his cape would no doubt be full of grass stains but he didn't worry about that at the moment.

"What do you want?" Pippin asked.

"I need you to help me" Merry said.

"Can we do it some other time?" Pippin asked, not taking his eyes from whatever he was looking at.

"I'd rather do it now" Merry said and tried to follow Pippin's gaze. He appeared to be looking at thin air.

"Aragorn might be able to help you, go ask him."

"I can't. It has to be you."

"Does it now?"

"I need your help because you are the strongest link to my past and without you I cannot remember. You don't have to do anything to actively help, but I need you to at least not stand in my way."

"How am I standing in your way?"

Merry was getting frustrated. This was not at all going as he had hoped. Pippin still had his eyes fixed on the random spot in the sky and his voice was calm and steady as if he was speaking from a dream. He seemed to be in a world of his own and Merry couldn't shake him from it.

"I don't know exactly. I just know that you are. We used to be friends once and it feels like you've turned your back on that, and it disturbs me because I don't know why. Until I do I cannot remember anything because I'm too wrapped up in what secrets you might be hiding from me."

"My secrets are my own and they are no concern of yours."

"Pippin **please**!"

Pippin broke his gaze for a moment and looked at Merry. Then he returned his eyes to wherever they had been before.

"I'm not sure you are ready for me to try and make you understand."

"I won't be anymore ready further down the line."

"Very well then, if you say so. Yes we were friends before; yes I'm turning away from that now. You want to know why? Because it hurts. It has been hurting for nearly twelve years and it's enough, I can't hurt anymore. I thought it would stop when you came back to me but it didn't. It changed. And it still hurts, very badly. So I turn away from you, because there is nothing you can do to make it stop hurting and talking to you about it won't do any good because you are not ready to understand."

"You can't wait until I've remembered, for I can't remember without it."

"That's the paradox. You see, when you remember again the whole thing will be moot. More or less. Things will have changed forever but I won't have to talk to you about it. You'll know on your own."

"Help me then, Pippin. Make me understand. Maybe if you'd open up to me and tell me everything I will start to remember again. Maybe what's keeping me from remembering is that I don't know what's bothering you, and when I do everything will come back to me in a flash!"

"You don't believe that anymore than I do."

"As a matter of fact I do. I want to remember, I want to remember badly, and without you I can't."

"I wonder who you will be when you remember" Pippin said. "If you will be who you are now or if you will be whoever you were before."

"I suppose I'll be a little of both. Back to my old self again but marked by the events of the past years. None of you are who you were when I disappeared, are you?"

"No, but it's different when it comes to you. It makes so much harder to face you, and it's another reason why I shy away. Little things you used to do… patterns, behaviours… things you used to say… they are no longer part of who you are. Does that mean you are a different Hobbit than the one who disappeared, or are you the same?"

"I don't know anything about that. All I know is that I can't seem to please you or do the right thing as far as you're concerned. Whatever I say it seems to be the wrong thing, you criticise everything either by words or by looking at me like I'm out of my mind. It's in everything you do. The way you look at me, or sometimes refuse to look at me. The way you speak to me, or refuse to speak to me. The brisk way in which you wake me up in the mornings, the coldness which I can feel coming from you. Every now and then I get a glimpse of what I hope is the real you, a warm and caring Hobbit who smiles at me and lets me in to his world. But those glimpses last only a moment at a time and then you're at my throat again. I can feel how you wish I wasn't there at all; do you think that by treating me this way I will disappear again?"

"I don't want you gone. Believe it or not I am very glad that you are alive. It's a miracle I never even dreamed of or hoped for. I am happy for your sake but that does not mean being happy for my own. I want you to be alive and you are. But you're not my friend Merry and that hurts more than you will ever know. I want you to live but I don't want to have to live beside you. That's why I look at you that way, talk to you that way and stay away from you. I can't handle being near you."

"What have I done to make you feel this way?"

"I used to mean the world to you and now I'm nothing but a roadblock. Can you sink any lower than that? And all in about five seconds, for that's how long it took for me to realise that you no longer knew me. And I was once so important to you…" He finally turned and looked at Merry. "You once looked at me and said… _What if I never knew you?_ You said it with a lump in your throat and true fear in your voice. _If I never knew you… I would never have been me. Always empty as a vase and without ever having the chance of knowing why_. I have been thinking about those words of yours a lot lately. Now the unthinkable has once again happened. Now you've never known me. It used to be your greatest fear and now it doesn't concern you at all. And it's not just me, Merry. Everybody that you loved… You would never have wanted to live without them. Now you're not even giving them a chance."

"That is not true."

"I see you snarl at them and how you sigh at them at times" Pippin said, returning his gaze to the sky. "You're not doing it out of spite or cruelty I know that, but the real reason why is almost worse. You're doing it because you don't know them and you don't care to know them."

"All I want is to know them."

"No you want to remember so that we will all lay off your back."

"I want to have at least a chance to be who I used to be. Why are you so angry with me Pippin, is it because I haven't shown enough remorse that I don't know you? If I don't remember you then how am I supposed to miss you, I cannot miss what I don't know! That's impossible!"

"There's something else… Something else you said to me. Something I never forgot and now it's come back to haunt me."

"Then tell me what it is."

**XXX  
XXX  
XXX**

I know this chapter ends a bit abruptly... I'll have the next chapter up within a few days, I promise!


	18. If All Other Things Are Forgotten

**Tuckburough, June of 1424**

Pippin sat upon a grassy knoll at a secluded place, not far from the Great Smials but far enough for him to be able to have his privacy. He wanted to be alone, he had been feeling low all day long and now that evening was drawing near he wasn't feeling any better. He was not used to feeling this way, most of his life he had been happy and he had rarely known depression.

It was in truth far too beautiful a day for anyone to feel gloomy or depressed. The sun had been warm in the sky all day long, some flowers of spring were still in bloom and the whole world was green and sunny and filled with lovely scents. As he sat up on the knoll he was touched by a gentle summer breeze, warm and comforting, but it didn't quite get through to him. Not on this particular day.

**XX  
XX**

Merry arrived at the Great Smials not long before the sun was about to begin to set, and was surprised to be unable to find Pippin. He had expected his cousin to be waiting for him, they had both been visiting their parents over the weekend and made plans to meet at the Smials on Sunday at sunset to go have a half-pint of ale at Pippin's favourite inn before they returned to Crickhollow. Merry would never have thought Pippin to be late to any trip to the inn and he wondered what might have happened.

"Pip?" Merry's Uncle Paladin said when asked. "I think he went out for a walk. He's become mighty fond of exercise since he came back from that journey of yours. Beats me why he had to go out for a walk instead of stay here with his family, we never get to see him as it is."

Merry thanked his uncle for that bit of information and wondered where Pippin might have walked off to. If he was out for a walk when they were supposed to go to the inn that ought to mean something was bothering him, which in return would mean he would want to get away from his three very inquisitive older sisters. With that in mind Merry steered towards a knoll he knew not far from there, where one was as good as guaranteed some privacy. Few people ever went there since it meant having to cross a small river, round some trees and then actually climb the knoll.

As he had expected Merry found Pippin there, sitting on the ground and staring into space. He held his sunhat in his hands, twirling it absentmindedly, and seemed to be completely unaware of the beautiful sunset that had just begun before his eyes and which he had front row seats to. Merry walked over to him and wondered what was troubling him to this degree.

"Had you forgotten we made plans to go to the inn?" he asked, making his presence known.

"Hullo Merry" Pippin said without taking his eyes off whatever it was that he was looking at. "How did you find me here?"

"I have my ways" Merry said and stopped behind him. "Get up you foolish Took, I'm thirsty and I want to get going."

"I'm sorry Merry, I didn't realise it was so late" Pippin said and turned his head to give his cousin an apologetic smile.

"That smile didn't reach the eyes" Merry commented. "What's bugging you, Pip? Care to tell me or must I get you drunk first?"

"I just got this feeling… This really bad feeling, making me really sad and depressed. I don't get that way often, which made me convinced that it was truly bad and then I felt even worse."

"Trust you to react that way, Pip" Merry said with a good-natured chuckle. "Whenever you feel the least bit of heartache your whole soul seems to suffer. What did you feel and why did you feel it?"

"I woke up this morning and I tried to remember Legolas' face. And I couldn't. It hasn't been long since I saw him last, only a few years, but I just couldn't remember. Then I tried to think of a situation where he and I had been together, perhaps that way I would see his face clearly. And it occurred to me that there was something quite funny that happened with Legolas, me and Sam while we were fifteen days out of Rivendell. Something that had always made me smile. However this time I couldn't recall what it was. It was as if it had been too long since I last thought of it, and my brain sorted it out. And I was scared, Merry. I have seen so many things and known so many people, were they really so unimportant to me that I can just forget about them like that?"

"No…" Merry said. "I wouldn't say that. I have forgotten a lot of things too, but there are some things that I will always remember. There is no way one can remember **all** the things that happened on the journey, we were travelling for a year!"

"I guess it just makes me really sad that some incredible things happened to me and some incredible people came into my life and my memories of them fade. Someday I will be old and weak and I will start to forget more and more things. Our grandfather couldn't remember his own name before he died. How sad is that? It makes me depressed…"

"I don't believe you can truly forget everything" Merry said and got down on his knees next to Pippin. "I know for a fact that I will never forget you. Even if all other things are forgotten."

He placed an arm around Pippin's shoulders and pulled him closer for a hug. Pippin smiled at him, starting to feel a bit better.

"Do you mean that?"

"As much as I've ever meant anything. I could forget the stars, the moon, the sun, my home, my family, my name, but I could never forget you. It's just not possible. You are too deeply rooted in my mind and my soul to be forgotten."

"I hope I'll never forget you either" Pippin said. "And I hope we never forget how much we matter to one another."

"How could we possibly? We were meant to remember each other Pippin, even when all other memories are lost."

Pippin smiled and let his cousin hug him again. He felt much better now, comforted by his cousin's presence and his assurance that some things would never be forgotten. He truly hoped he would never forget him, even if he became as forgetful as his grandfather had been. Forgetting Merry would be forgetting himself.

"There is one other thing I won't forget" Merry said. "And that is that I'm thirsty and we had plans to go to the inn. Come along now Peregrin, stop mulling over questions like these and help me drink Tuckburough dry."

He rose to his feet and offered Pippin a hand, pulling him up to a standing position. With his arm around Pippin's shoulder Merry began walking back to the Great Smials. The sun had almost set entirely behind them and he was filled with happiness over how beautiful the Shire was and what a lovely gift life was to have.


	19. Truth of Heart, Truth of Mind

**Minas Tirith, February of 1437**

Merry sat in silence for a few moments after Pippin had finished telling him his story. It took a while for it all to sink in and he tried to realise how it affected Pippin. But the truth was that he couldn't understand how that short conversation more than ten years back could have brought on this reaction in Pippin now. It was a bit eerie now for sure, to look back on a conversation like that, but in the end it was merely words that had been exchanged at one point in their life. Words that shouldn't mean anything anymore.

"Pippin…" he said slowly. "What I said to you that day…"

"You promised me you would remember me no matter what. You did not make good on that promise."

"But please Pippin, be reasonable. What I said I am sure I meant, every last bit of it, but in the end what did I know? I was too young to understand, to ever guess or ever know what life would have in store for me. I could not possibly have known what I was speaking of. I don't think I was telling you facts as they were written out, black and white, I think I was telling you the facts of my heart. Like when you're in love and you tell them you will feel that way forever because that's how it feels. But you can't know anything for sure. That doesn't make it untrue; it just means it is a different kind of truth."

"Yes what did you know?" Pippin said in a sharp tone, changing his tone for the first time during the conversation. "You were just feeding me lines to get me off my bum and on the way to the nearest inn. It meant nothing."

"I'm sure that's not true."

"We had a bond that was so beautiful; at least I thought it was, because it was based on a very simple fact. Only speak the truth to one another, lie or trick whoever you wish but never try to fool your best friend. That was true for me and I lived by that, thinking all these years that you had too, but I was wrong."

"Like I said, I think I **believed** I was telling you the truth. How could I possibly have known, Pippin?"

"But I believed you. I believed you because I never thought you would tell me anything so important unless you knew it with 100 percent certainty, not in your heart but in your mind, your reason, everything. I appear to have been mistaken. And it makes me wonder what else you told me that wasn't true. How many things did you tell me that you had no way of backing up?"

"I don't think I would have--"

"Oh but you did. We shared everything, laughter and pain, but it was only real for me and not for you. It couldn't have been real, not when you could look me in the eye and say things that you didn't know for a fact were true. Not when you practically swore to me that they were true. I think back on every other memory I have of you telling me something the way you told me you would never forget me, and I find myself questioning whether or not you had any idea of what you spoke of. I had never in my whole life doubted you, not for a moment even, and then you looked me in the eye and treated me as a stranger and suddenly all I had were doubts. Yet I couldn't let you go. All I could think of was you and me sharing things like we had in the past, doing the things that we used to do and interacting the way we always had. I have been such a fool for ever believing in you. I know that now but that realisation came at a very high cost."

"I can't stand hearing you say these things" Merry said. "I can't stand the thought of you thinking of me like that. Because the truth is I don't know. I don't know any more than you do whether or not I lied to you in the past or told you nice things that might not have been true, just because I thought you wanted to hear them. But please don't say you were a fool for believing in me, I can't have been all lies and deceit. I don't think I was any part that, to be frank. You would have seen through it."

"I trusted you blindly. From as far back as I could remember. It's hard spotting deceit in something you have trusted and believed in since you got your first tooth. It was never a possibility for me that you would be anything but reliable."

"I don't know what to say to you" Merry said. "I can't make apologies for things I don't remember. I don't even know if I owe you an apologies or not."

"If only I knew you had missed me" Pippin said. "Everything would be so different then. If only there had been some sign in you after those first few days that something that had been missing in your life had come back when you were reunited with me then this situation would not have arisen. All I've ever asked of you was for you to be honest with me and for you to love me. You can't do the latter and I don't think you've ever completely done the former. It's a huge load to bear."

"Don't call me a bad friend as if you've never done anything wrong. Is it not up to you to reach out to me and help me remember you?" Merry had to ask. "Why am I the one who has to do all the work? If our friendship was that great shouldn't we be working together to try and find out way back to it? I can't read your mind and I'm trying to understand but until you meet me half way there's nothing to go back to. Real friends are there for each other when they can't fight for themselves, isn't that true?"

"It doesn't work that way. See I want the real Merry back, back for good. But that Merry never existed. The Merry I depended upon for the first thirty-five years of my life, that Hobbit which I nurtured in my heart and my memories when he was gone from me, he was never really real. No more than a reflection in a pond, an image I wanted to be true and believed was true. As I think back I suppose I kept an image of you which was too hard to live up to. Yet it was so real to me, it was the simplest thing in my life and the backbone of my existence. It was all pulled away, like a rug under my feet when you came back with no idea of who I was, and I'm struggling to find my balance again."

"But I just cannot understand!" Merry said. "It might have been very true that the last thing I would ever forget was you, but if every memory is gone then that means all is lost. Even you."

"Every memory was not lost" Pippin pointed out. "There are some things that you still remember."

"Éowyn" Merry said, beginning to feel like he understood.

Pippin turned to look at him again, and tilted his head with questioning eyes.

"What was your relationship with her? Why can you remember her and not me?"

"If I knew that…" Merry said with a sigh.

"Merry it's not that I want to lose you. And I don't want to hate you."

"Hate?"

"But I can't make peace with the knowledge that you swore to me that you would remember me even if you forgot everything else, that forgetting me was downright impossible. And here you are, having completely forgotten me but remembering a soldier you rode to war with. It means what you told me that day was a lie and that means all other things you told me might have been lies as well. You were so trustworthy but now I don't know if that was for real or not."

"Pippin if you aren't interested in moving forward then where does that leave you? I keep waiting for things to change, for my memory to come back, for life to become more natural for me and for you to come around and at least want to be my friend again. While I cannot remember my past you are too preoccupied with yours. Forget what I said, forget all things I said, form a new friendship with me now or at the very least move on with your life. You cannot keep doing this to yourself, you're tormenting yourself over things you never had any power over and the only one who can give you any answers is a Hobbit who can't even remember where he was seven months ago. Where does that leave you?"

"I suppose you're right. I must move on. I had begun to move on, back home I have a family and I have a life and everything was bright and clear for me again. But when you came back I had to start over again for now there are new things that I have to adjust to my life and the way I look at things. I can't start life over and forget all that was; who I am today is the result of everything that's happened to me in the past. I'm not the same as I would have been with you beside me all these years but even with you here now I can't be anything else that what I am. You on the other hand, you are not the result of your past; I don't know what you are the result of."

"Neither do I" Merry said. "And it pains me every day."

"I know I'm much wiser now than I was before" Pippin said. "I learned a lot from you but I think I learned the most when you went away. You haunted me for many years, but when I let you go I began to grow. I wish I could help you now to become who you want to be or used to be, but the truth is I think we need to let each other go just like I did in the past. I need to free myself of you and you need to stop seeing me as a road block for the truth is it is all in your head. You and you alone control the ability for you to remember, I am just something you have placed in the way as a way to find excuses to why you can't remember anything. Part of me thanks all the mighty powers in the world that we are together now, but you can't open your mouth to speak or that will all go away. When you had just died I used to see you in the corner of my eye and be comforted knowing that you were there. Then I turned my head to talk to you and you vanished. It's the same now, I'm so happy that you are with me but as soon as you speak I know that you are not who I want you to be and the old Merry vanishes leaving only the Hobbit you are now. I treasure every moment we spend together, but only so long as nothing is said and no looks are exchanged. Your mere presence still comforts me as it always has done but everything else is different."

Merry wanted to tell him that he felt that too, being near Pippin made him feel comfortable and secure, even when they were talking about difficult subjects or Pippin was freezing him out. But somehow he couldn't. He was afraid that if he opened up to Pippin he would be discarded with a comment on how he was not who Pippin remembered him to be, and he felt sure that if Pippin discarded him he would not be able to find his way back. Oddly enough it seemed like the only way to hold on to a shred of comfort from Pippin was by letting him believe that he felt nothing at all.

"You'll never know how it feels to be the one who's left behind" Pippin said. "To have always been part of a pair and suddenly the other half is gone. Everyone still looks at you and tries to see the other part, and they expect you to carry the load of both. For years people would stare at me not knowing what to say or do. It was horrid to always be one single Hobbit where they had always known two to be. I was never sufficient on my own; they saw me and missed you standing next to me. It was as if they put blame on me for being the one who survived, for a while there I wondered if they believed I should have died when you did for no other reason than that there can be no Pippin unless there is Merry. It's awful to always be reminded of how you are just one person where everybody knows that there have always been two."

Merry wanted to reach out his hand and touch him, to give him a hug of comfort. Memories or no memories it was hard seeing the pain in Pippin's eyes and hearing it in his voice and he wanted to offer some comfort. He was beginning to understand now what Pippin had gone through and he wished there was some way he could take it all back and make it alright again. But he knew now that even remembering would not fix what had been broken. Pippin's whole belief system seemed to have crumbled to pieces and that damage had been done already.

"I want to be free" Pippin said. "I want to be just Pippin. Not Pippin and Merry, Pippin alone. You and I are the past; the future is us standing on our own. I can't live like this anymore; I will suffocate if I do."

"I'm sorry…" Merry whispered.

"I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I can't be of any help to you. I will try and help you if I can, I swear it, I owe it to all you meant to me. But I have nothing to offer you and perhaps now you understand that."

"Please forgive me…" Merry whispered and rose to his feet. "For having ever said things to you that I couldn't back up. For not being able to be the one you cared so deeply for. I wish you had never had to be put through this but there's nothing I can do."

He walked away and Pippin was left alone. He sat on the grassy knoll staring at the setting sun, with nobody to pull him to his feet and lighten his heart. Those times were gone.


	20. Saddling Up

**Minas Tirith, March of 1437**

In March Pippin finished the saddle he had been working on. He remembered the decision he had made to return to the Shire once the saddle was completed, and he had been working slowly on it for the past months to make the task take as long as possible. But in the end it had to be finished sometime, and when that day came he wanted desperately to go back home. He had a wife and a son he had not seen in nearly a year and the Shire was a nearly two month trip away. He had affairs that needed to be tended to in Tuckburough and commitments he could no longer stay away from. On top of it all he was homesick, Gondor had lost much of its charms to him after everything that had happened with Merry there and he longed for the familiar sights of the Shire.

He knew he had to take Merry with him when he left. He also knew that Merry was not ready, but he could not care about that anymore. Merry would never be ready and sooner or later he had to face what he had left behind in Buckland all those years ago. Now was as good a time as any and the only thing Pippin needed to do was convince Aragorn that they had to leave.

The king was apprehensive, just as Pippin had suspected he didn't think Merry was ready to make the journey and come back home to the Shire. But Pippin insisted and nearly drove himself to tears talking about how much he needed to go back to his family and all the things that waited for him there. His life was in the Shire and he needed to get back to it. When Aragorn still seemed unsure Pippin suggested that perhaps Merry would stand a better chance at remembering anything if he was back in the place where he had lived almost all his life. That tipped the scale over in Pippin's favour and Aragorn agreed to send them on their way, provided that Legolas and Gimli escorted them.

When Merry found out they were leaving he got furious and blankly refused to go anywhere. Aragorn and Pippin tried to calm him down but had little luck. There mere thought of having to leave this place to go to another one where he would feel even less at home frightened him, and the fact that it was such a long journey meant that he couldn't go back to Minas Tirith anytime he wished.

"You talk to him" Aragorn said to Pippin when Merry refused to listen to either one of them. "He is your handful, not mine."

Pippin was left alone with Merry and turned to him with his arms crossed. Now that Aragorn had left he could be just as mad with Merry was Merry was with them. He looked at his cousin with a very disapproving frown. Merry looked back at him with all of his stubbornness. He was not going to give in, but Pippin was not going to give in either. This was one battle with his cousin which he intended on winning. It was time to leave and Pippin was not going to let anything stop him.

"How can you be so selfish?" he asked.

"Oh I'm being selfish?"

"I have waited for seven months, waited patiently I might add, sat by and watched as you've gotten no closer to finding out who you are and remembering everything. I have a family and an office in the Shire and it cannot wait any longer. I cannot keep sitting here, putting my life on hold, waiting for something neither of us think is going to happen. Life must go on; if it can't for you then it should at least get to go on for me."

"I'm not ready to leave; I don't feel good about it!"

"You never will and we both know it! No more excuses now, I have to return and that's just that!"

"Then leave!"

"I can't leave without you" Pippin said. "For one I could never return to the Shire knowing that you are alive and not bringing you back to those who miss you. For another you have to return sooner or later and I can't keep darting back and forth waiting for you to feel ready or feel sick enough with this place to want to leave. I am leaving and you are coming with me and that is by order of the king so don't try--"

"A king I have never sworn any allegiance to."

"But you are one of his loyal subjects nonetheless; the Shire is part of his kingdom. What's keeping you really, how do you know that you will feel worse there than here? I never thought you to be a coward."

"I am not a coward."

"Then why won't you go?"

"Because the only thing I can recall is here, and I don't intend to leave her when she is the only thing I have to cling on to!"

"So you will spend the rest of your life clinging to her skirts? Merry you have no idea what awaits you in the Shire, it's the place you love the most though you may not know it right now. You may even start to remember things when you get there, for it is your home. You never spent much time in Minas Tirith, it's no wonder you feel unsure here, but if you just came home with me things might change."

Merry opened his mouth to respond but a knock on the door interrupted him.

"What is it?" Pippin angrily mumbled and went to open the door.

"The White Lady is here and requests to see Master Meriadoc" a stiff soldier told Pippin and bowed quickly.

"Tell her she has to wait, he is busy" Pippin said.

"No I'll come see her" Merry quickly said, happy to have an opportunity to get away from this conversation. "I'll see her right away."

Pippin grabbed Merry's arm as he passed by him and lowered his voice to a hiss.

"You are not getting away that easily. You will go to the Shire, so help me!"

Merry yanked his arm loose and didn't give Pippin as much as a look. Which as much dignity as he could muster he strode out the door and followed the soldier down a hallway to where Éowyn was waiting for him.

When he saw her he knew for sure that he could not leave. Not so long as she was in Minas Tirith or Ithilien, he had to be where she was near. His friend, his lady, the one who had always been with him and would never leave his side. He bowed graciously to her and when the soldier closed the door and gave them their privacy he ran up to her and grabbed her hands in his own.

"You don't know how happy I am to see you!" he said.

"That sounds nice" Éowyn said with a laugh. "How have you been?"

"Same as always" Merry said and shrugged his shoulders. "Always the same, never any changes. And you?"

"I have been good" Éowyn said and sat down. Merry took a seat near hers. "Now why are you so happy to see me, today out of all days?"

"I'm always happy to see you. But today you came like a rescuer. Aragorn and Pippin are trying to make me go back to the Shire!"

"Yes…" Éowyn said slowly. "I assumed it would be time soon."

"Time? It's not time. I'm not ready to go. I don't want to travel to a foreign place and I don't want to leave you behind!"

"Perhaps your friends are right" Éowyn said. "You should listen to them. Perhaps staying here is bad for you."

"How could it be bad for me? I have you here. I know you. You are all that I know and I don't want to leave you."

"You are all that you **believe** you know" Éowyn said. "Perhaps in the Shire there will be someone who you recognise and remember once you see them, just like you recognised me when you saw my face! A whole world of memories awaits you there and all that's keeping you from remembering might be that you are here and not there."

Merry thought about it for a moment. He hadn't thought of it that way before but it did make sense. He did in fact not know what would be waiting for him in the Shire and it was true that sooner or later he would have to go back there. Minas Tirith was no place for a Hobbit in the long run.

"And you must do this for your friend" Éowyn said. "Pippin has longed to go home for months now. He stayed for you, now you must travel for him. You and I will meet again, trust me. For the time beingI can do nothing more for you and it is better that you go find the other Hobbits, those who might help you where I can't. Think of it. You were born and raised there, how much easier will it not be for you to remember that than to remember these halls and rooms where you hardly spent any time at all?"

"Once more you are right" Merry said and sighed. "I guess it's time for me to give up on getting any further here. I will go tell them that I am ready to pack my bags and go with them to the Shire."

Éowyn nodded and smiled. Even though it was hard to let him leave after he had been missing for so long she was happy that he would be journeying back to where he belonged. The Shire would be good for him.

"Don't be worried that the bonds you have with me will be damaged when we are apart" she said. "They never have before, have they? Even when you were thought to be dead. I'll be there you're whole life through, you can count on that."

"I do" Merry said with a smile. "If you'll excuse me I shall go tell the king that I am ready to leave."

**XX  
XX**

The day before Gimli and Legolas were to arrive from their respective homes Pippin instructed Merry on everything he would need to pack and things he would need to keep in mind during the journey. Merry didn't worry much about the journey however; he was more concerned with the destination. He had no idea what to expect when he arrived in the Shire, or what would be expected of him.

"You have been reluctant to talk to me about my life in the Shire" he said to Pippin. "Now's the time to talk. I understand that you don't want to tell me my memories, but there will be people there that I had bonds to and I need to know who they are. I don't want to begin by making mistakes and I need to know what people will be expecting of me. I don't want to hurt anyone if I can avoid it."

"I can't tell you what they will be expecting" Pippin said. "I have been trying to figure that out myself ever since you came back. We will just have to wait and see."

"What about the people I knew? You said my mother and father were both dead, do I have any siblings?"

"None."

"What else? Did I have any best friends?" he asked. "Other than you…" he added lamely and looked away.

"There is one Hobbit" Pippin said. "His name is Samwise, or Sam for short. He was a part of our fellowship and now he is the Mayor of Hobbiton. But don't worry a thing about him; Sam will never expect more from you than what he thinks you are able to give him. You can lean on him for support and trust that he won't put burdens on your shoulders. He lives in Hobbiton though, and you live in Buckland, so you won't see much of him I suppose."

"Buckland… Do I live in a house or a Hobbit hole?"

"When you disappeared you lived in a house at Crickhollow. But since then the house has been sold and your home is Brandy Hall, where you were born and raised. Over a hundred Hobbits live there, but you and your family have private halls so you won't have to worry about being too crowded."

"What else is there that I should know about? Did I ever love somebody? Some sweetheart I should try to recognise?"

"You were engaged to be married when you disappeared" Pippin said and looked away. "I probably should have told you that but it's one of those things I would have rather had you remember on your own."

"Who was she?"

"Her name is Estella Bolger; her brother is Fatty Bolger, a friend of ours. The two of you courted for two years and then you asked her to marry you. Your wedding was to be arranged when you returned from Ithilien only you never did."

"And what happened to her? Who did she end up marrying?"

"That's not important."

"I know I won't know his name but it feels like something I should know about."

"She didn't marry anyone. Technically I guess she's still waiting for you."

"Which means… which means that I will be expected to marry her when I return to the Shire?"

Pippin saw the shocked look on Merry's face and offered him an apologetic smile.

"That's why I didn't want to tell you until I had to… I was hoping you would remember her on your own. Yes, they will expect you to marry her; she has been true to you for nearly twelve years after all."

"But I don't know her. I can't remember her."

"The wedding will no doubt be held not until next year" Pippin said. "You will have the time to get to know her."

"Can't I get out of it?"

"No Merry, you can't." Pippin sighed and looked at his cousin. "What had you expected of the life that was yours before you were lost? That you never made any commitments and that you never cared for anybody?"

"At least I thought that whatever I committed myself to then would no longer be held against me. Can you blame me for being a bit surprised, I just found out I have to marry a girl I don't even know."

"Well you knew her once. And you loved her. More importantly, she loved you. Please treat that with respect, remember she has done nothing wrong. Try not to break her heart after all these years."

"I promise I'll try" Merry said. Then he shrugged his shoulders. "Anyway, who knows? Twelve years is a long time, she has probably fallen out of love with me by now. Or she won't like this new me and will be happy to call the engagement off. Things might work out just fine in the end."

"In a way that's sad, isn't it?" Pippin asked. "If you were to break from all that mattered to you once, every part of the life you used to have? You would probably be happier married to her than on your own, even now."

Merry didn't reply. He packed the last of his things and began to get ready for bed. Pippin had nothing further to add either and before long they had snuffed out the lights and gone to bed, each with their own separate thoughts keeping them awake.

**XX  
XX**

Two days before they were set to leave Pippin went for a walk through the gardens, getting some exercise to get him into shape for the journey. He was in a splendid mood, finally he was getting to go home and leave all of this behind him. If he never saw the city of Minas Tirith again he would be happy.

As he walked down one of his favourite paths he spotted Éowyn, standing in a small glade watching a bluebird in a tree. Something about the look on her face made Pippin wonder what she was thinking and he walked up to her, clearing his throat to make his presence known. When she spotted him she smiled faintly and he bowed to her.

"Milady Éowyn… What troubles you?"

His blatant question startled her for a moment but then she found the straight-forwardness refreshing. She smiled again, this time more sincerely, and decided that she could talk to him as well as to anybody else.

"My friend is leaving tomorrow, and it feels like we only just got him back. Who knows how long it will be before we meet again?"

"I can see why the parting must be the most difficult for you" Pippin said and stepped close to her. "He remembers you. For you it is truly a parting with the friend from the past, and the last time he parted from you he didn't return. This time will be different, I promise. And you have always been strong in the past; you will be strong now too."

"Indeed" she said. "Strength… such a blessing, isn't it?"

There was something wrong, Pippin could sense it. He gently put a hand on her arm and looked deeply into her eyes.

"Milady… When I came to Ithilien this summer you sought me out and you were there for me, you made me confess things I had not even confessed to myself and that helped me more than you will ever know. Let me return the favour. Something is troubling you and it is not that he is leaving."

"This conversation is not fitting."

"There is no one here to hear us. Open your heart to me. It's something concerning Merry, isn't it? We are the two people who were the closest to his heart and as such we should be able to talk to one another."

"We waited too long to seek comfort in each other, didn't we?" Éowyn said with a sad smile. "Instead of being there for each other when he was presumed dead we waited ten years."

"Better late than never. It was not your fault that we didn't support one another when we thought he had died. I would not have let you had you tried. I was too preoccupied with my own grief to worry about anybody else's. Looking back I realise you must have grieved more than I suspected but I have no memories of you from that time, other than when we rode out to find him. It's odd; I can't remember you at the funeral even."

"I did not attend the funeral. It is not so odd that you don't recall me from that time for I concealed myself inside my chambers and rarely left them. I grieved, and I was afraid to see you because I was afraid of seeing him in you. Or worse, seeing the lack of him in you and knowing that something beautiful had been lost forever."

"You were not the only one who felt that way. Almost everyone seemed afraid to see me during the first years."

"I have been watching you since he came back" Éowyn said. "I know how tormented you are. It makes me feel all the more guilty, not just guilty to him but to you."

"What would you have to be guilty over?" Pippin asked softly.

For the first time Pippin saw tears of sadness in her eyes and when they slowly began to fall down her cheeks he reached into his pocket and fished out a handkerchief. He held it up to her and she took it with a trembling hand and tried to try her tears. But when she spoke her voice was steady.

"I went looking for him, furious with the soldiers who had given up on him. I searched and I found something more than what they had found and my anger grew. How could they have given up, why didn't they continue further down the river until the found him, dead or alive? I was so furious with them. I wanted to have them fired. I thought they had failed him. But I failed him just as bad, worse even, for I knew him well and those soldiers did not. I should have tried harder."

"Milady…" Pippin said gently. "You didn't fail him. I was with you when we rode out and believe me nobody wanted him to be alive more than I did. But I too was mistaken, I saw the signs that he was dead and I believed them. I still cannot understand how he survived; it is a huge mystery to me, even bigger than the question of where he has been all these years. I don't blame you for not finding him. Nor does he. Trust me, neither one of us would ever give you any blame in all of this."

"You are very kind to say that… But I do blame myself nonetheless. I was so close to him, we had a bond since the battle of Pelennor, and I owed it to him to do all in my might to find him. I promised him once that I would look after him and twelve years ago I failed him. Somewhere down that river he was lying wounded, Pippin. We know that for a fact now. If only I had followed the river, all the way to the ocean if I had to, if only I had done that then he would have been safely returned home. I stood by and let his life disappear when I could have helped."

"No" Pippin said. "No, don't believe that. Strider went out after us, he went and he searched and he didn't find him either. By the time we went out to the river Merry was probably already gone. However he survived he did not do it by lying on a riverbank, he found refuge somewhere and no matter how far down the river we went we would never have found him. He would have found a place to hide."

"Do you believe that?"

"It's not a matter of believing, it's a matter of **knowing**. I know that he was not there for us to find, I have thought about it and he would have been dead if he stayed in that cold river. Don't blame yourself for not looking for you **did** look and you gave up when everything told you that you must. You did your part for friendship."

Éowyn kneeled down and hugged him tight. Pippin gently stroke the back of her neck and whispered soothing words in her hair. He was glad he had found her, happy to have been able to give something back to her in return for all that she had given him. Even though he was jealous that Merry remembered her it had never occurred to him to be upset with Éowyn over it. It was not her fault and she carried enough burdens as it was. Pippin was thankful he had been able to ease one of them.

"Let this be my goodbye to you" Éowyn said. "I am going back to Ithilien tomorrow morning; I can't bear the thought of seeing him leave. You have been a true friend to us both through all the years and this is how I want to remember you when we are parted."

"Farewell, Milady" Pippin said and gave her a kiss on the hand. "And… thank you for being there for Merry. He's needed it."

Pippin walked off the same way he had arrived, wondering what would happen to them all in the future. The changes that had been made to all of them twelve years ago would never stop affecting them.

**XXX  
XXX  
XXX**

This will be the last chapter in a while, since I'm going on vacation. I hope to see you all again when I return! Thank you for reading, please leave a review.


	21. Travelling

**The road between Minas Tirith and the Shire, May of 1437**

The journey back to the Shire would take nearly two full months, if the weather would hold up. Springtime was usually a good time for travels and the four travellers were optimistic that they would be able to make good time.

Pippin was excited to be homeward bound and seemed happier than he had been in months. He jested, sang and kept a positive outlook even when they were caught by a heavy rainstorm and when they ran out of meat halfway there because the Hobbits had eaten far more than they should have.

Merry on the other hand was edgy and nervous, afraid of what would happen when he arrived in the Shire. Being out on the open road suited him however and he felt good being outdoors a lot and sleeping under the stars. During the first week of the journey he collected lots of herbs to keep for further use, until Gimli pointed out that he would not be able to store them anywhere and they would just be going to waste.

Pippin found it easier to travel with Legolas and Gimli now than it had been during his previous trips. Legolas was more talkative and open, no longer feeling as odd in Pippin's company as he had done in the past. It was clear to Pippin however that affections had been divided when it came to the Elf and the Dwarf. Legolas had a special eye to Merry and looked after him, keeping an eye on him wherever he went. Gimli on the other hand had grown more protective of Pippin. Whenever Pippin and Merry quarrelled or there seemed to be any friction at all Legolas stood by Merry and Gimli stood by Pippin. It was enough to make Pippin wonder if the two friends would end up turning on each other.

Though for most part the company of four got along, even though not much was said during the journey. While they were riding everybody seemed lost in their own thoughts and few words were spoken. It was mostly in the evenings, when they sat by the campfire and were finished with their supper, that they talked. The subjects they spoke of were mostly neutral things which felt safe to talk about. In a way it reminded three of them of the first days and nights after they set out from Rivendell, before they had gotten to know each other and begun to form bonds.

**XX  
XX**

"I must say this…" Merry said one day when they were three days out from Rivendell. "It is a beautiful land. The nature is stunning."

"It is lovely" Legolas agreed.

"It's almost a waste that we're making such good speed" Merry said. "We should be slowing down the pace to enjoy the scenery a bit."

Pippin looked at him from the corner of his eye and wondered if that was the real reason why Merry wished they would go at a slower pace. But he didn't say anything. If Merry wanted to stall then that was his problem, Pippin was getting home as soon as he possibly could.

"You Elves and Hobbits and your nature" Gimli snorted, seated behind Legolas on his horse. "One tree is the same as the next and grass looks the same wherever you go. I would be more concerned about our lack of meat if I were you."

"Perhaps we should set up camp early today" Legolas suggested. "You and I can go hunting Gimli and the Hobbits can find a river to fill up our canteens. We can get some more meat in our food packs, let the beasts rest for a while and enjoy the lovely day. What do you say Pippin?"

Pippin looked thoughtful for a moment. He knew Legolas had asked him because he was the one most eager to reach their destination and the subject of how slow or fast they were going had been discussed before. Pippin wanted to get home with no delays, but the idea of having no meat to eat did not sound very promising.

"I'm hungry" he said. "And I would love some fresh meat for dinner."

"Then an early camp it is" Gimli decided.

They stopped at the first place they could find which seemed to be a good camping spot and let the horse and ponies graze freely. They were not worried that they would run away, all it took was a whistle from Legolas and they would be back with their masters. Legolas lifted the pack of cooking gear off Merry's pony and told them to build a campfire and set everything up so that when he and Gimli returned they could get started on cooking their meal right away.

Merry grabbed the large ceramic pot they used to carry water to the camp and together with Pippin set out to find a nearby source of water while Legolas and Gimli grabbed their bow and axe and went hunting for food.

The sun shone brightly in the sky and it was a lovely day, Merry was happy that they hadn't thrown it away by continuing their journey. It felt good to stop and take a pause and just enjoy themselves for a while.

They found a creek not far from where they had set up camp and Merry kneeled down and filled the pot with water.

"The sight of all this water makes me thirsty…" Pippin said. "That's the down side of travelling during spring and summer; the warm weather makes you thirsty and hungry! I do hope they find some big animal to kill, I'm starved!"

"Take this" Merry said and handed the full water pot to Pippin.

Pippin took the pot but got a bad grip around it. He couldn't quite get a hold of the slippery pot and with a cry he dropped it on the ground. Merry groaned when he saw the pot shatter into a thousand pieces and the water spill out everywhere.

"That's just grand" he said. "Now we have to fill the canteens separately and then carry the heavy cooking pot here! That's the only smaller pot we had! We'll have to do without it for the remainder of the journey!"

"I'm sorry" Pippin said and began to pick up the pieces.

"Leave it" Merry said and filled his canteen with water. "You're so clumsy Pippin! Or you just don't think far enough ahead to predict that if you don't get a good grip of the pot before I let go of it you're going to drop it. Frankly I think it's a combination of both, you're clumsy and you don't think ahead."

"I'm sorry" Pippin repeated good-naturedly and began to fill his own canteen.

"Honestly, it drives me mad" Merry continued. "And you never watch where you're going either! It's very annoying. The more time I spend with you, the more I'm convinced that the old me was out of his mind."

"What makes you say that?"

"I must have been out of my mind to spend almost all my time with you and not go completely furious. Every time you do something clumsy it makes me cringe. Either I used to be insane or there's just another bit of proof that we weren't as close as you claim. Seriously, you can't tell me that I was never bothered by this."

"Of course you were bothered" Pippin said. "It used to drive you mad then too, you were constantly telling me to watch where I was going or be more careful. And I would sometimes do it just to provoke you, knowing how grumpy you are when you start to get hungry. Like right now for instance."

Merry looked at him with doubting eyes. This revelation did not fit well in with the story of how incredibly close they had been.

"Is that so now?" he said in a dry tone.

"Yes" Pippin said. "Merry you don't have to like every side to a person to love them for who they are."

The simple truth of that statement made Merry unable to keep looking into Pippin's eyes. He looked down at his canteen and took a drink of water from it, just to have something else to do. Then he took a good look at Pippin and wondered why he hadn't lost his patience by now. He had been right a few minutes ago, Merry was grumpy and he was taking it all out on Pippin. But Pippin seemed used to it and he seemed to know that it wasn't really anything personal despite what Merry had said about his clumsiness.

"I envy you" Merry said.

"Clumsy old me?" Pippin said gently and put the cork back on his canteen.

"Everything is so clear to you. You have your truth and you see it so plainly. You might be wrong about things but you know what the world is like to you and nothing seems to be able to shake you out of that."

"Nothing's clear to me anymore" Pippin said in a dejected tone and rose to his feet. "I don't have a truth, that's all passed. I'm going to get the cooking pot."

Merry watched him go and then filled Gimli's canteen with water, but his mind was far from the creek. Why was it so hard to find a way to socialise with Pippin? Every little thing Pippin did wrong annoyed him and everything he didn't do wrong made Merry want to spend more time with him. He was helpless to try and understand how it all worked and it worried him that soon Pippin would be the only familiar face around him. Once Legolas and Gimli returned to Gondor he would have only strangers aside from Pippin.

**XX  
XX**

Late one evening, not long before they would reach Bree, Merry asked to be told a story while they sat by the campfire. It was one of their last nights travelling and although they should be getting some sleep Merry wanted to be kept awake for a while longer. He didn't want the evening to end, he wanted to make these moments last for as long as he possibly could.

"I'm too tired for a story" Pippin said and yawned and stretched. "Count me out. I'm going to sleep."

"What about you, Gimli?" Merry asked. "Do you have any interesting Dwarf tales to tell me?"

Pippin went off to wash up and get ready for bed. When he came back and crawled underneath his blankets he turned his back on the campfire to shut out most of the talking from the three people sitting by it. Though he could hear them still, there was no way of completely shutting their voices out. He could hear that Gimli had begun to tell a story, a story which was too familiar for Pippin's liking.

"… just a few days' journey from here, where they encountered three great trolls!"

Pippin groaned and wished Gimli had chosen another tale. Pippin and Merry had both seen the spot where Bilbo and the Dwarves had met the trolls, and the story had often been told to them during their childhoods. He didn't want to have to hear it being retold tonight to Merry as if Merry had never heard it before.

He shifted in the small grass pit where he had made his bed and felt more awake now than when he had been sitting by the fireplace. The familiar sound of the fire crackling and the voices speaking disturbed him rather than soothed him and he prayed that Merry would settle for hearing just one tale.

After a while he felt gentle hands placed on his shoulder and the side of his stomach and Legolas' voice spoke softly to him while pulling his covers up to his chin.

"Rest now…" the Elf said. "Go to sleep. I will herd them off to sleep too so that they won't disturb you."

Instinctively Pippin reached out his hand and grabbed the Elf's, squeezing it as a silent thank you. It had been years since Legolas had spoken softly to him this way or looked out for him.

He could hear soft mumbles by the fireplace and soon thereafter the noises of three people getting ready to lie down and go to sleep. Before long their camp quieted down and everything was silent. With a content sigh Pippin closed his eyes and went to sleep.


	22. Of Champignons

**Buckland, June of 1437**

Merry could feel his heart pounding in his chest when he and Pippin halted their ponies by a gate which marked the entrance to the Shire. Pippin had explained to him that the gate was there to keep the long folks out, there were not permitted to set foot in the Shire. Gimli and Legolas had left them the night before, turning back once they reached Bree, and now it was only Merry and Pippin. Merry was more nervous than he would like to admit, now he was back in what had been his home and he ought to recognise it right away. Gimli had told him though to forget about remembering, if he tried too hard he would not remember a thing so it was better to just put it out of his mind and let whatever he could remember come to him on its own.

Pippin had instructed him to pull the hood of his cape up over his head to shield his face a bit; hopefully the Hobbits at the gates would not recognise him at first. Pippin preferred that nobody saw who he was with until they reached Brandy Hall.

"Open the gates!" he said to the two Hobbits guarding the gates.

"Why Thain Peregrin!" one of them cried and came running out to greet him. "Folks had begun to say you were gone for good! Welcome back!"

"Folks were wrong, as is most often the case" Pippin said. "Now open the gates and let us in. Ride to the shiriffs' office and have them gathered at Brandy Hall. Right now."

"Yes sir!"

The Hobbit hurried to open the gates and then ran to fetch his pony. He left it up to his companion to close the gates once Pippin and Merry had gone through them and before long he had disappeared into the horizon, riding as fast as he could to gather the shiriffs.

Pippin was in no hurry, he wanted the shiriffs to be gathered before they reached Brandy Hall, and he had a feeling Merry didn't mind prolonging things a bit. They rode slowly across the fields of Buckland, Merry still with his hood on. The older of the two looked around at the scenery and wondered if this had all been there before or if it was new. He had no way of knowing.

"Who are the shiriffs and why do you want them to gather?" he asked Pippin.

"The shiriffs are supposed to keep the order" Pippin said. "I figured we could use them… People are likely to react strongly to your return and the shiriffs can help keep you away from the crowds for a while. I figured you'd rather have a nice calm evening in your own chambers tonight than to be surrounded by a whole herd of Brandybucks."

"I suppose so."

They rode on and before long Merry could see a large Hobbit hole which he instinctively knew must be Brandy Hall. More than a dozen Hobbits were outside the Hall, occupying themselves with a number of different activities. Something felt comforting about seeing more people looking like himself and Pippin, and the Hobbit hole looked much more welcoming than the stone halls of Minas Tirith had.

"Take your hood off" Pippin instructed him. "No more time for hiding."

Merry did as he was told. They stopped outside Brandy Hall and a number of Hobbits greeted Pippin with cheers and welcoming phrases. It was obvious that they knew him well. Then eyes began to fall on Merry and the crowd went silent.

"Don't just stand there" Pippin said to one of the Hobbits. "Fetch Master Berilac."

The Hobbit turned and ran into the large hall, looking like he had seen a ghost. In fact all of the Hobbits looked like they had seen a ghost, and in a way they had.

"Master Merry?" one finally said.

"No it can't be, he's dead" someone else responded.

"But…"

"We're just seeing things. Thain Peregrin has returned and we somehow expect him to have Master Merry beside him."

"But we wouldn't **all** just be seeing things, now would we?"

"It is Master Merry" Pippin said as the shiriffs came riding up. With a snap of his fingers and a wave of his arm he motioned for them to gather near himself and Merry. "Who did you think it would have been?"

"But Master Merry is dead" someone protested.

"Well then he's doing an awfully good job at staying up on that horse" Pippin replied acidly.

Through the doors to Brandy Hall Berilac Brandybuck, Master of Buckland, strode out, arguing with the Hobbit who had fetched him.

"… most utter nonsense I have ever heard, it is not possible that…"

He trailed off when he saw Merry. For a minute he couldn't move a muscle, all he could do was stare at his cousin in shock. It was impossible, but it was indeed Merry.

"Don't just stand there and gape like a fish, Master Berilac" Pippin said. "Your cousin has returned home. I leave him in your care now."

"You're leaving?" Merry asked with fear.

"I haven't seen my wife or my son in a year. I'm going home. Master Berilac, ride with me would you? I must have a word with you. You can take Merry's pony." He then turned to one of the shiriffs. "Everard, Master Merry is tired and needs food and rest. Make sure he gets it. No disturbances."

Merry reluctantly dismounted his pony and found himself in a crowd of shiriffs who were chattering with him about things he did not understand and he could feel a headache coming on. Berilac gave him a doubting look and mounted his pony. Together with Pippin he trotted off in the direction of the Great Smials.

When they were far enough from the Hall Berilac turned and looked over his shoulder to make sure they weren't followed by any curious Hobbits who wanted to listen in. Then he turned to Pippin with confusion.

"Thain Peregrin… Pippin… This cannot be."

"Before you begin to doubt your own sanity; yes it is really what it looks like. Meriadoc is alive, he was found wounded but alive near the same river where he disappeared all those years ago. That was in August. We have lingered in Minas Tirith since then but now we needed to come back home."

"It's not possible."

"I know. But I can assure you, he is very much alive. And it is Merry, there's no doubt of it. I would recognise him anywhere even after all these years. But Berilac there is one thing you must know."

"What is that?" Berilac asked, sounding more sad than happy.

"Merry has lost his memory. He doesn't know who he is, where he's been or anything else. He doesn't know you, he doesn't know Brandy Hall, he doesn't know any of the Hobbits living there. You must keep that in mind and realise that it is horribly stressful for him to be subjected to so many people who expect him to remember them. His memory will return, at least that is our hope, but until it does he cannot be out under too much pressure and you cannot talk about old times with him for he must remember on his own."

"No memories?" Berilac said, shocked. "So he only remembers you?"

"Only from the past months" Pippin said through gritted teeth. "He knows me no more than he knows you."

"Goodness…"

Pippin saw the disturbed look on Berilac's face and knew what he must be thinking. For him everything had changed now. His whole future was uncertain. When Merry had died Berilac had become the heir of Master Saradoc, and after Saradoc's death he had been Master of Buckland. His son would be Master in the future and his descendants would rule over Brandy Hall. That had been his belief up until today. But Merry had turned up alive and that meant that Brandy Hall and all that went with it was rightfully his.

"Berilac I know what you're thinking" Pippin said. "It's not evil of you to have those thoughts. This changes everything."

"My son…" Berilac said. "His whole inheritance…"

"For the time being at least" Pippin said. "We don't know that Merry will have an heir of his own. If he doesn't your son will be his heir."

"I have built up my life around being Master of the Hall" Berilac said. "Ever since Uncle Saradoc died that has been my focus in life. I have so many plans, so many ideas, there is so much that I care about and that I want to see through… Now I have to give it all up for someone who can't even remember his own kindred spirit."

Pippin cringed at being referred to as Merry's kindred spirit.

"Things are not always as they seem, Berilac" he said.

"I can't help it, but I feel like I begrudge him all of that…" Berilac said. "I'm sorry Pippin; I know he's your best friend, but what about me and my family? Everything we've built up will be taken from us. He's been gone for so long, it doesn't seem right that he should be able to claim Buckland!"

"He is the son of Saradoc Brandybuck, who was Master of Buckland up until his death" Pippin said. "Nothing can change that. Buckland is his. Listen Berilac I don't have time to discuss this matter right now, I have to get back home or I will lose my mind. Just keep him out of the way for all those curious Hobbits and give him a chance to settle in, and let's all pray that his memory will come back as soon as possible. Berilac if nothing else you can at least pride yourself with how good care you've taken of Brandy Hall and Buckland while he was gone."

"Yes it's lovely, isn't it?" Berilac muttered. "Oh listen to me! My cousin has returned from the dead and all I can think of is losing my job."

"Go back home to the Hall and see him" Pippin said. "Perhaps he will remember you. We can hope…"

**XX  
XX**

When Berilac Brandybuck returned to Brandy Hall it seemed like every one of its 127 inhabitants were waiting for him to ask him questions of what had just happened. They had gotten used to turning to Berilac for answers and seemed to believe that he would know everything about the new situation that had arisen. Berilac had neither the ability nor the energy to answer their queries, with a tired sigh he dismounted the pony and handed the reins to whoever was standing closest to him. With a forceful shove he moved the Hobbit blocking his way to the side and strode to the doors of Brandy Hall, ignoring all questions asked to him along the way.

He made his way to the halls which were private and only used by the Master and his closest family. He stopped by the door and turned to face the Hobbits he had lead for five years.

"Master Meriadoc is tired" he said to them. "He needs his rest and his privacy. It has been twelve years… Let him have his space."

The brief comment only awoke more questions but Berilac fled inside his private halls leaving them all behind, instructing the shiriff by the door not to let anybody pass unless they lived there. He left some further instructions to another member of the shiriffs and sent the rest back to their headquarters in Tuckburough. Gathering all his strength and nerves he went to the room which had belonged to Merry while his father was Master of Brandy Hall. He knocked on the door and paused to wait for an answer. When none came he went inside and found Merry standing by the window, close enough to look out but far enough not to be able to be seen from the outside. Merry turned and looked at his cousin with no recognition in his eyes.

"Cousin Meriadoc" Berilac said. "Have they fed you? You must be tired. Do you want to have a bath drawn for you?"

"No thank you" Merry said. "They brought me some food. I'm quite satisfied now, thank you."

Berilac walked closer to him and managed a smile. In spite of everything that was taken from him so suddenly he had been given his cousin back. It had been more than a decade and his cousin didn't remember him, but Berilac remembered Merry and even though they had not been close friends they had bonds that would always tie them together. They had grown up together.

"I bid you welcome home, Meriadoc Master of Buckland" he said and bowed. "These are your private halls. This room was yours before but now the Master bedroom will be yours. It will be ready for you this evening."

"What was your name?" Merry asked.

"Berilac. Son of Merrimac, who was the brother of Saradoc, your father."

"My cousin then" Merry noted. Then he tilted his head and looked at Berilac. "They called you Master out there" he said. "Are you the Master of Buckland now?"

"I am only the next of kin to the Master" Berilac said, hiding the sadness he felt in saying those words.

"But you were Master before? When my father had died?"

"Yes."

"You must have done a good job" Merry said. "The halls look like they are in great shape. And I saw the fields and the cottages riding here, the countryside is blossoming. Cousin Berilac I am sorry, I--"

"Thain Peregrin already told me" Berilac said with haste. "You have lost your memory in an accident. Not to worry cousin, it will come back to you. For now all you need to worry about is getting reacquainted with the halls and then later on with the lands. We will take it in little steps."

"Thank you, that is very understanding of you" Merry said and felt relieved that his cousin took it so well.

Berilac walked to the door but stopped before he opened it.

"I already ordered a bath to be drawn for you" he said. "I guess I took for granted that you would be wanting one. The offer stands."

"Perhaps I do need a bath" Merry said and looked down on his dirty arms and feet. "Yes at second thought a bath would be splendid."

"Right this way" Berilac said and showed him out the door.

**XX  
XX**

The greetings of two dozen Hobbits as he reached the Great Smials were balm to Pippin's ears. So many people who were happy to see him and who had awaited his return. He grinned at them and greeted as many as he could by name as he dismounted his pony and handed the reins to one of them.

"Take good care of the saddle, it is brand new" he said and continued to greet his fellow Tooks as he made his way inside the Great Smials.

Once he came inside the dark halls he drew in the smell of his home and sighed with contentment. This was where he belonged and he would be happy if he never had to leave it again. He headed for his own halls and had not gotten far before Diamond came running up to meet him. He stopped and opened his arms wide for her, spinning her around when she came into his arms.

"Diamond" he cried. "Diamond what a sight for sore eyes!"

Without a care to the Hobbits around them he gave her a long and tender kiss and hugged her closely. He had missed her, but he hadn't known how much until he was holding her again. He could feel her love for him, the love that had pulled him through in the past and was sure to do it again. He never wanted to let her go ever again.

With his arm around her waist he returned to the rooms which were his private, and there he found his son. Faramir, who was nearly seven years old, was taking a nap under a blanket and he looked so peaceful and relaxed that Pippin almost didn't want to wake him up. But he couldn't resist getting to hold him; gently he pulled aside the covers and lifted the boy into his arms. Faramir woke up and was for a moment confused, then he realised who had woken him and he hugged his father tight. Pippin drew strength from the unconditional love of his child and wondered how he had survived for all these months without Diamond and Faramir by his side.

**XX  
XX**

Merry sat down on the bed in what was to be his sleeping quarters from now on and buttoned the sleeves of his new shirt. He felt fresh and revived from his bath and comfortable around the cousin who asked nothing of him. Berilac only seemed to be out to help him and after months of feeling that everybody expected things from him it was a relief that someone only tried to help.

"Dinner will be served in an hour" Berilac said. "I shall have them send your meal to you here. A dinner with the family is hardly what you need tonight."

"I don't know how to thank you, Berilac" Merry said and began to button the front of his shirt. "You have been very kind to me."

He heard he door behind him open and wondered if Berilac was leaving, but then he heard a member of the shiriffs announce that he had a visitor. The obvious smile in the Hobbit's voice made him turn his head with an interested smile on his face and he saw a Hobbit lass enter the room. She had a beaming smile on her face. Berilac did not however. He looked shocked more than anything and he turned to the shiriff with an angry glare and a firm tone in his voice.

"What is she doing here? I said no visitors!"

"I thought he might want so see this one" the shiriff said with pride.

"Get out you fool" Berilac said.

To think the shiriffs couldn't even follow simple orders. He knew he should have told them about Merry's condition but he hadn't want word to spread quite yet. This meeting was going to be disastrous.

Merry rose slowly from the bed and finished buttoning his shirt.

"Estella" he guessed. "Have you come for my cousin? Or is it me you're looking for?"

Berilac stared at him in wonderment. He didn't know that Merry had been told about his engagement to Estella, he thought Merry had remembered her on his own.

"I'll leave you two alone" he mumbled and quickly left the room.

Estella looked at Merry with shock but with a smile on her face. For a good five minutes she only looked at him, taking in the sight of the Hobbit she had been set to marry twelve years ago but who had been lost to her. Merry looked at her too but with less positive feelings. He wondered if she knew about his memory, and what she would say. He didn't know her and had no idea of predicting what her reaction would be.

Slowly she walked up to him and stood almost too close for Merry's liking. She looked him in the eye and he could see her love for him. She didn't know. He couldn't let her believe that things were as they had been when they were last parted, he had to be frank with her and it had to happen now.

"Merry…" she whispered and reached out her hand to caress his cheek, assuring herself that he was really there. "Oh darling… Where did you come from?"

The question, spoken with such gentle love and tenderness, almost made him laugh. He had been asked a lot of questions when people had first met him again but this had not been one of them.

"Estella" he began, but lost track when her hand gently ran up and down his arm, caressing it.

"I came here as soon as I heard" she said, speaking so softly that her voice was nearly a whisper. "I had to see it with my own eyes… It's really you. I brought you something."

Perplexed Merry took the pouch she handed him. She placed it in his hand and gently clasped it around the leather pouch which she had been holding in her left hand. She smiled and let her hand rest on his arm, as if to make sure that he was really there and was not going anywhere.

"It's champignons" she said. "Your favourite."

"Thank you" he said.

"I wonder where you've been all these years" she continued in her soft voice. "Though that does not matter. All that matters is you came back to me. We are together again. This time it's forever."

"Estella…" he said and broke the gaze. "I'm afraid things are not quite the way you think. I'm sorry; I hope I can explain…"

"Whatever it is I'm sure it doesn't matter" Estella said gently. "Whatever's happened during all these years it can be forgiven and forgotten about…"

"It's funny you should say that… forgotten about…" He pushed away the hand that caressed his arm. "You see the only reason I know your name is Estella is because Pippin told me so. I don't know your face. Who you are and what you were to me is all in the past and I can't recall it."

"We can make it live again darling" she said softly, thinking he was merely talking about feelings.

"You don't understand" Merry said.

As gently as he could he then explained to her what his situation was. She looked at him long and hard and was silent for a long while, taking it all in. But looking at him she knew that nothing had changed as far as she was concerned. She had loved him twelve years ago and had never been able to marry anyone else. Now he had come back and there must have been a reason why she was still unmarried. She had been waiting for him, even though she hadn't known it. And he would know it too, all that she knew and felt. She didn't believe that feelings could go away even if memories did.

Gently she took his hand, the one that held the champignons, and rested it in her own. She looked down at their joined hands and then up at him with a smile.

"You keep these champignons, they are for you" she said. "The rest will sort itself out as time goes by."


	23. Someone Sent

**Tuckburough, June of 1437**

That evening Pippin retreated to his bedroom early, glad to be back in his own room with his own bed and everything surrounding him belonging to him. He was there with Diamond, she was sitting up in bed waiting for him to get ready, he did not have to sleep alone in a slightly large bed in a stone room with Merry only meters away. The room was dug underground, it smelled faintly of earth and roots and the smell was the same that had filled his nose nearly every night of his life when he had gone to bed. The lights flickered comfortingly, casting shadows on the brown walls which gave the room a homey feel. The lights in the chambers at Minas Tirith had cast dark shadows on stone walls, unfriendly and unwelcoming. It was good to be home.

He stood by his dresser and slowly unbuttoned his shirt, being in no hurry to let this first evening back home end. If he looked up into the mirror he would see Diamond, sitting half under the covers with her arms resting around her legs and her chin on her right knee. He would see her there, his wife, with her white nightgown on and her long curly hair hanging loose down her shoulders and falling over her knees. The look in her eyes would be loving and welcoming, so far from the eyes that had looked at him in the chambers in Minas Tirith. When he got into bed Diamond would get close to him and he would hold her in his arms and feel the smell of her hair and her steady breaths as she fell asleep.

"It's funny…" he said to her, slowly unbuttoning his left sleeve.

"What is?" she asked after a moment when he had not continued his line of thought.

"All these years… I had this belief in my head which was utter nonsense really, I knew that, but I couldn't help believing it anyway. Now I could laugh at myself for ever having thought it but it was quite real to me then, no matter how corny… Now I know better."

"What belief is that?"

He took another deep breath of home air and put aside his cufflinks on the dresser. He had told her earlier in the evening about why he had been delayed in Minas Tirith. He had told her everything, what had happened, how he had felt and how things had evolved. She had said very little but he knew she had understood him.

"You came into my life at just the right time…" he said and looked up to meet her eyes in the mirror. "Just as I was falling apart… When I could not cope with the grief any longer, when I could no longer stand being just one where there had always been two for as long as I had lived. One day you were just there, here to work as a maid at the Great Smials, and you were so charming and so full of life. You knew nothing of my sorrows and you treated me as if I was not carrying any grief or being the one who was left behind. You taught me how to laugh and feel like I had a right to do so, you taught me how to embrace life again and you taught me how to love. I needed you then, almost as much as I need you now."

"It was indeed a fortunate coincidence."

"I believed with all my heart that it was more than that. I believed that Merry had sent you to me to ease my pain and show me how to love. Wherever he was I was sure he could see me and he found you and knew you would be perfect for me. So he sent you my way to help me get through the pain. Silly, isn't it? Now that Merry has turned out to be alive through all these years I fully realise just how silly it was. You were not sent by him, it was just all dumb luck. Doesn't sound quite as poetic, but that's the truth of it."

Diamond was silent for a moment, not really knowing what to say. Pippin pulled his old pyjamas over his head and got into bed next to her, tired but too preoccupied to be able to go to sleep.

"I'm sorry it had to be this way" Diamond said and gently put her hand on his shoulder. "Though I never saw the two of you together I know how much he meant to you."

"It makes me scared, you know? I know that we are all going to die someday, but I used to believe there were things that could be counted upon until you drew that last breath. Now I'm not so sure anymore. Merry didn't choose this, it just happened, but things are the way they are. I never thought we would be like this. I thought I could count upon him for as long as we lived."

"I don't know anything about that" Diamond said. "But I know this much for sure… You can count upon me. I will love you through everything; you are not going to lose that. It won't go away, not until my dying day."

"I know you think you mean that" Pippin said. "But the truth is you don't know."

"I do know" Diamond said. "For even if I should forget I ever knew you that would never change a thing. If I met you tomorrow I would still love you. You can't change things like that. Take away love once and it comes back over and over again."

"Why can't friendship be the same?"

"Because love is blind and friendship is not. You can walk away from a friend and miss that connection but you can't walk away from a lover. The feelings won't go away."

"Sometimes love ends" Pippin reminded her. "People fall out of love every day."

"I can't fall out of love with you" Diamond assured him. "You're my husband and the father of my son. I see you in everything that makes me happy. Things like that can't change, Peregrin."

"I hope that you're right" Pippin said with a sigh.

"Listen to me now… Life goes on without Merry. It has before and it will again."

"Nobody will understand" Pippin said. "They will expect things to go back to the way they were, me and Merry always side by side. I can't be by his side all the time, it hurts and it's not the same. But nobody will realise that. They will think I've failed him and turned my back on him when he needs me the most."

"Blame it on me then" Diamond said with a smile and rested her head by his shoulder. "Tell them your wife is jealous and doesn't want to share you with a ghost from the past that suddenly came back to life."

"Thank you, but that won't work either. A jealous wife would never have stood between us in the past."

"Put a little faith in people then" Diamond suggested. "It's been a decade. They must realise that things have changed; your lives have gone in separate directions. They can't expect you to pick up where you left off."

"You were never here when Merry and I were inseparable" Pippin said. "Time could not affect us, and everyone knows that."

Diamond stroke his arm gently and wondered what she could say to help him. He seemed convinced that nothing could improve and had an answer for every logic argument she could think of. He was right, she didn't know how things had been when Merry was still around, she had come into his life after Merry's disappearance.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be arguing with you" Pippin said with a sigh.

"You're not arguing."

Pippin kissed the top of her head and put his left arm around her. Her closeness was so great to feel, her warm body and her calm breath, her fragrance which he had loved from the moment he met her. Things would be better now, no matter how hard the future months would be. Diamond was with him now and things could go all wrong with Merry but he would still be safe when she was there. At least he hoped so.

**XX  
XX**

Merry couldn't sleep. The bed was wide and comfortable, the room cosy and welcoming and everything was as it should be. Yet it was impossible to sleep. For one thing he felt like he was sleeping in someone else's bed, which could be explained by the fact that his parents had slept in this bed but he never had. But it was probably the fact that Berilac and his wife and slept in this bed the very night before and now they had moved to a smaller bedroom to make room for him. Berilac had not said a word of complaint but Merry knew he had come in and shoved his cousin aside. Poor Berilac, he had woken up that morning not knowing that before the day was over he would have been reunited with his dead cousin and forced to give up all that had been his since that cousin was presumed dead.

Merry wondered what it meant to be Master of Buckland. With a little luck it was mostly a ceremonial title, but since he apparently owned the large smial known as Brandy Hall he assumed that there would be a lot of work involved. He would have to learn all of it over again; if he had been trained for it in his earlier life he could not recall it. But that was the lesser of his problems.

His first problem was Pippin. After spending the afternoon and evening at Brandy Hall Merry had begun to feel that he would not be as dependant of Pippin as he had expected, even though Pippin was the only one he knew from the past months who was still around he would have no problem bonding with his cousin Berilac and his family. But Pippin and he still had a large gap separating them and it had begun to dawn on Merry that the friendship Pippin had spoken of was something that the Hobbits of the Shire took for granted and would expect to still be there. He had heard conversations on the other side of the doors talking about how things would be back as normal, with Master Merry and Thain Pippin being as inseparable as Hobbits and mushrooms. Merry had a feeling that the Hobbits would not just accept that the two of them were no longer friends; they would require it even if they accepted Merry's memory loss.

His other problem was all the Hobbits he had known before he last left the Shire. There were over a hundred Hobbits living at Brandy Hall and he had known each of them once in his life, except for the ones that had been born while he was away. How they would react to not being remembered by him was something he did not look forward to finding out, and he wondered if there would be problems. How he would be able to step up as their leader when he couldn't remember a one of them was beyond him, but he couldn't worry about that right now.

His third problem was Estella. She had taken the news very calmly but it was obvious that the reason for that was that she didn't expect anything to change because of it. In her mind her fiancé had come back home and now the wedding would be planned anew. If he remembered her or not was a minor issue, he had a whole year to remember her and there was no reason in her mind why he wouldn't.

All alone in the large room Merry realised he was lonely. He had grown accustomed to falling asleep to the sounds of someone else being nearby, the shifting in a bed, the heavy breaths, the occasional sighs. During the past two months there had always been three other people and three animals present during the night. Before that he had shared his chambers with Pippin for half a year. In the far too quiet night he found he missed Pippin, the room was too silent without him.

He rolled over on his side and felt a headache come creeping. The next day he would have to investigate the medic room and see what they had to offer. That was one thing he knew he could do and could do well, his practice of herbal medicine had been well nourished over the past months and with some excitement he thought of going out to scout the surroundings for interesting plants.

He closed his eyes and hoped for sleep to come. No doubt he would need it. Tomorrow would be an exhausting day.

**XX  
XX**

"Say it again" Pippin mumbled into Diamond's hair.

"I love you" she whispered in his ear.

"I need to hear that… I really needed to hear that…"

She couldn't keep in a giggle.

"Darling I think you're getting a bit theatrical. Don't tell me you've been sitting around for the past months thinking _nobody loves me_?"

Pippin had to giggle as well.

"No, I haven't gotten that tragic. I just needed to hear **you** say it. I never intended on being gone for so long when I left, and I promise you that I don't ever intend on being away that long again. My travelling days are over from now on."

"You say that now but you are a Took and I don't think you can get away from it" Diamond said and sighed.

"You are also born a Took."

"A Took of Long Cleeve. We don't suffer from your poor reputation."

Pippin gave a cry.

"Poor reputation? I'll have you know that us Tooks are very well thought of."

"Yes, among yourselves. But the rest of the Shire thinks that you are queer."

Pippin gave her a playful boxing on the arm and couldn't help but laugh a little. He knew that she was right, or at least that she had been. Tooks had indeed been considered queer and too prone to adventure, but even the Hobbits had to admit that the great adventure of the Fellowship had been for the greater good.

Pippin knew however that most Hobbits felt that the adventures should have stopped once the Shire was safe and sound again. Frodo Baggins had left on another adventure and never returned, which had said it all in most Hobbits' opinion. Meriadoc and Peregrin had continued to go on their adventures to the southeast, which in the end had cost Merry his life, and secretly most Hobbits had felt that he had only had himself to blame. Hobbits seeking adventure would end up in a world of trouble that they had no business being in. But not even Merry's death had stopped Pippin; he had gone back to Gondor eleven years later, much to everyone's disapproval. The Thain going out on adventures, instead of staying at home in the Great Smials where he belonged!

The only one out of the four Hobbits who had gone on the Great Adventure who had been sensible enough to know that one adventure out of necessity might be acceptable but no more had been Samwise Gamgee, later Mayor Samwise. He had gone back entirely to being a normal Hobbit, one who spent most of his days eating, smoking and doing what little work there was to be done, never giving a thought to leaving his home again. He had a wife and an ever growing family in Bag End and he was becoming more and more respectable with each passing year. Unlike Peregrin, who was too much of a Took to keep his feet off the road.

"Let's not talk about these things anymore" Pippin said. "I don't want to give another thought to adventures and travels, the last time around it did not end so well. And I promised myself I would never leave home again after that. I didn't keep my promise to myself, so now I'm promising you instead."

"I'll be happy to have you at home for the rest of your life" Diamond said. "And you're right, let's not bother talking about journeys or adventures anymore. You should get some sleep and some rest, you have a tough time ahead of you."

"Indeed I do" Pippin said. "At least I'm not facing it all alone. Honestly Diamond I don't care if you came into my life through dumb luck or through someone else's thoughts and plans. All that really matters is that you are here and you were here before when I needed someone the most. When I had lost hope of life ever turning into something I could consider normal you were there to show me that all I needed to do was choose another path and settle with it. Sometimes the path you have walked on for years and years can no longer be treaded and when that happens you should choose a new one instead of fighting your way through an impassable road."

"Those are awfully big words to say a small thing" Diamond felt. "When something isn't working, change it. That's the way I see it."

"Well now my two paths have collided and turned into one… The new one I embarked on has become the same as the one that was impassable. How do you combine the life you left behind and that is no longer working with the life you built up for yourself?"

"I don't know" Diamond said. "But if you don't mind I'll stay out of this one. I don't know your Merry and that past life you speak of. This is something you must sort out on your own. Only you can. I'll be there when the storm is through, but weathering it is something you must do alone."

"No not on my own. Merry and I must do it together. The bonds we had still tie us together, if for no other reason than because people still expect it. Whatever the end result is we must reach it together, if one holds on the other can't walk away. And partly I guess I owe it to him to help him settle in and find his place here."

"How might you owe him that?"

"People will give him a hard enough time, whether they mean to or not, as it is. If I'm not in the picture at all they will only react harder. Cutting our bonds must be done slowly."

"Peregrin, is it not possible that you think they care more about your friendship than they actually do? What difference is it to them if you and Merry are friends or not?"

"I never thought it mattered to them. I don't care much who is friends with who and I never expected them to care who my friends were. But after he died it became clear to me that they did care. Not so much for my sake but because they were used to things being a certain way and Hobbits don't like it when things change. Have you ever seen identical twins?"

"No, I don't think there have been any for generations."

"I saw identical twins among the Elves when I was on my Great Adventure. Not only are they indistinguishable for those who do not know them, but they are always side by side. You get used to seeing them that way and when one is not there it makes you blink your eyes and wonder what's wrong with your vision. After Merry died people looked at me like people looked at those Elves when they appeared only one at a time. It's what they're used to, and they want things to be that way for otherwise they think it's queer."

Diamond didn't reply. She was growing tired of the subject, and she didn't believe Pippin when he said that it would matter to people whether or not he and Merry were friends. Perhaps it had mattered when Merry was first gone but who could possibly care about that anymore? She thought it was more likely that Pippin made it up as an excuse in his mind because in spite of everything he didn't know how to just walk away from Merry. It would be queerer for him than for anyone else but it was easier to blame the larger crowd than to blame oneself. In her heart Diamond was more concerned for what would happen to the life she knew now that Merry was back. It had not been difficult to replace a ghost but now that ghost was back and Pippin still loved him. Though her relationship with Pippin and the love they shared was much different Pippin had still spent his whole life up until Merry's departure loving his cousin more than anybody else. No doubt he would be conflicted now that he had to fit Merry into the life he had now with Diamond and their son. No matter what Pippin said Diamond knew that he still cared very much for Merry.


	24. Adjusting

**Brandy Hall, June of 1437**

Pippin knelt down on the floor of Berilac's study, or rather Merry's study now, and picked up the books off the floor. He had entered just a minute ago and accidentally knocked over a small table filled with books and a few personal items belonging to Berilac. Judging by the looks of it the former Master was set on clearing out as soon as he could, almost as if it was easier if it happened fast.

Someone entered the room and even though Pippin had his back turned he knew who it was. He had come to speak with Merry; in fact it was Merry who had wanted him to come. He wasn't quite sure what his cousin wanted but he had come anyways. Most likely Merry just wanted someone that he recognised to be around, in an odd turn of events Pippin had become something familiar all of a sudden.

"Merry would you give me a hand and hand me those books?" he said, since some of the fallen books were behind him.

There was a moment of silence.

"Please, you have to stop doing that Pippin!" Sam's voice said with a frightened tremble.

Pippin turned and saw that it was not Merry at all. It was Sam. Sam looked at him with frightened eyes and made no move to pick up the books. Pippin had not called him Merry by accident for years now but Sam was scared he might start again after having visited Gondor. When Merry had first died it was as if Pippin could not quite stop seeing him or believing he was still alive, especially after he came back to the Shire. He had often seemed to see Merry in the corner of his eye when it was in truth somebody else, and almost every time that person had turned out to be Sam. It scared Sam to be called by Merry's name and every time Pippin had done it Sam had felt like he could cry. The first year it had happened a lot, then it had become rarer yet still happening too often for Sam's liking. But ever since Pippin had met Diamond he had stopped seeing Merry in the place of others. Now he seemed to have started again and Sam did not know if he could handle it. Merry had been gone for so long, it was one of Sam's biggest fears that he had not left Pippin yet and that he never would no matter how much time went by.

"He haunted me for quite a long time, didn't he?" Pippin said, finally understanding what Sam was thinking. "I'm surprised to see you here Sam. What's the occasion?"

"Master Berilac sent a rider to Bag End with a message that my presence was requested. What are **you** doing here? I didn't know that you were home."

Pippin got up from the floor and gave Sam a hug.

"I arrived yesterday. And you wouldn't believe what I brought with me this time… But this is neither the time nor the place. Come, we must speak in private."

"We are in private."

"Someone might walk in here. Come Sam, for me. The things we need to speak about are better dealt with where nobody will interrupt us."

Surprised Sam followed Pippin into a smaller room where Sam had never even been before and was surprised to see Pippin locking the door. Pippin urged him to sit down and then took a deep breath before beginning to tell Sam the whole story. Sam listened with wide eyes and didn't believe him at first. It was too incredible. But before Pippin had gotten to the end of his story it had begun to sink in a bit and in the end Sam didn't know what part surprised him more. Merry having returned alive or Merry's loss of memory or what seemed to be Pippin turning his back on Merry. He sat quiet for a few minutes, trying to find the right words to say, if there were any.

"I wish Gandalf were here" he eventually said and sighed. "He would have known what to do."

"Gandalf? What good could Gandalf do here? He's just another person Merry doesn't even remember."

"The last time you came back to the Shire you were a mess, if you pardon me saying so. I have never seen anyone like that in my whole life, for all your efforts to pretend that not even the death of Merry could affect you very much. You can't fool real friends and you never fooled me. I watched you fall apart and did whatever I could but I admit it was not much. Honestly Pippin after a while I grew angry with you."

"Angry? Why?"

"Your whole world was your grief, even more so because you tried to pretend that it didn't exist. You were just a shadow of your old self, Master Saradoc and his wife were both mortified, Fatty Bolger and Estella Bolger were shocked and saddened, everyone who had known him were. You looked to me and whenever I was present the others would to. And everybody forgot that I was sad too. I liked Merry too, you know!"

"Did we ever deny that?" Pippin said.

"You never seemed to care about it; you were so wrapped up in your own situation. Now I can understand how hard it was for you but I am telling you Pippin I won't have that again. I am tired of being the strong one. I think you even tried to replace Merry with me for a while by weighing all your troubles onto me like you had always done with him. But I can't carry those burdens, not the same as he could. I will always be here if you need me, you know you can count on me, but I will not be appointed Pillar Of Strength at the cost of my own feelings and my own hurt."

"Sam…" Pippin said gently.

"No, listen to me! Now you have come back home and you have him with you. First of all I want to be able to be happy that he is back and not have to act like I never even cared he was gone."

"Now wait a second, nobody thought you didn't care" Pippin objected.

"Second," Sam continued, "I don't want to be pushed aside when it comes to his memory loss. I too was once someone he cared for and now he can't remember me and that saddens me just the same as it saddens everyone else. This time I intend on being able to show it. Third, he came back with you but he's not **with** you. That much is clear to me, something has happened. I am not going to be put in the middle, leave me out of your troubles with one another!"

"Fine" Pippin said, a bit annoyed with Sam. "Listen, I am sorry if you felt that way before and I apologise very sincerely, I do! Truth is I don't remember much of what went on that first year, but I never meant to hurt you by leaning on you. Sam you knew him and I better than anyone else in the Shire, I knew of no one else to turn to. But I wasn't always the one seeking you out; you came to the Smials to see me quite often."

"I needed to see you sometimes and to know that you were still…"

Sam didn't finish his sentence. Pippin nodded slowly and finished it for him.

"That I was still alive. Right? That I was still there? That you could take away Merry and Pippin would still be there?"

"In a matter of speaking. But you were never the same since it happened."

"I don't know that I'll be the same ever again."

"But let's set us and our needs aside for a moment and focus on Merry. For starters, where is he, I want to see him!"

"He's probably waiting for me in the study, furious that I haven't shown" Pippin sighed. "I will take you to him once we feel like we have finished talking."

"If he doesn't remember anything he must be very confused" Sam said. "We have to do whatever we can to make things easier for him. Should we tell him all our old stories and see if they ring any bells?"

"No" Pippin said shaking his head.

"How about taking him places where he used to be?" Sam asked. "Walking familiar paths, for example? Or bringing him things that used to belong to him? Something has to trigger a reaction, his memorise can't be gone forever. They're just locked somewhere in that head of his and we need to find the right key."

"Sam I must warn you…" Pippin said. "It's quite hurtful to look him in the eye and see that he has no clue who you are. Prepare yourself for that, for it might come as quite a shock. Seeing you is not something that will trigger a memory so don't expect it. And also don't let him think that you're eager for him to remember for he gets really edgy when he feels someone is putting pressure on him."

"Well he always had a tendency to grow a little edgy at times" Sam said. "Good to see that some things haven't changed."

Pippin nodded and tried to smile but didn't quite feel up to it. He was glad to have Sam there, for no matter what Sam said Pippin knew he would lean on him and Sam would be there for him. Together the two of them could surely handle Merry, and Sam's level-headedness might come very much in handy. Right now Sam seemed to want to vent a lot of thoughts and ideas and Pippin let him talk. Talking about problems always had a way of making them seem easier.

**XX  
XX**

It only took a few days for Merry to understand that his memory loss was the least of his problems at the time. As soon as he showed his face somewhere he was greeted as _Master Meriadoc_ and the Brandybucks all bowed to him as soon as they saw him. In their eyes he was the true Master now that he was alive, and while Berilac Brandybuck had been as fine a Master as anyone could have asked he was still only second in line. Master Merry was back, and would no doubt lead them to new heights and glorious times. They had all been told of his current condition but none of them seemed to take it very seriously. They shrugged their shoulders, claimed memories would return, and had not a thought to the fact that the memories he had lost might include things that were crucial for him in running Buckland and Brandy Hall.

On his second day back Merry had been introduced to Samwise who was Mayor of Hobbiton. No mentionings had been made as to whether or not Merry and Sam had known each other in the past and for all Merry knew they hadn't. But he would have to do a lot of business with Sam in the future from what he could tell, for when it came to trade there were constant discussions over who should be able to trade what in which part of the Shire. Merry had no idea what was expected of him in that department, but Sam seemed reasonable enough and seemed to want to make things as easy on Merry as possible.

As Merry understood it he would also be doing business with Pippin, much in the same areas as with Sam. Merry had a hard time believing that clumsy, short-sighted Pippin could be the head of the Took family and all of Tuckburough but strangely enough he seemed to have earned a great deal of respect and people listened when he talked.

Most of Merry's responsibilities however would be centred around Buckland and the people living there. Hobbits came to him for advice, to borrow money and to try to find work. It was Merry's job to help them out, as well as to keep management of Brandy Hall running and to some degree keep the peace and order in Buckland. Merry knew from his first day that he was not fit for it, at least not at this point.

His cousin Berilac had not said a word about having to step down from office but Merry had a strong feeling he was disappointed. Merry wasn't quite so sure he didn't agree with him. Being Master of Buckland felt like it was Berilac's job and he had done it so well over the past years. Much better than Merry ever stood a chance at running things. He tried one time to talk to Berilac about it but his cousin was not willing to discuss it, probably worried that his true feelings would shine through if he got to talking on the subject.

Merry wanted to tell him that he felt he was right. It was nothing short of a wonder to him that Berilac didn't resent him for sweeping in out of nowhere and taking away so much from him, when he was not even fit to run office and they both knew it. But Berilac had been firmly raised in the belief of the firstborn's right and no matter how wrong he felt it was that his now incompetent younger cousin would be in charge he would never have dreamed of making any noise about it.

Merry wished he could step down from his job as Master, and he even mentioned it to Pippin at one point when his cousin came over to discuss a trade offering. It was Pippin's first visit since the day he had been there with Mayor Sam and Merry didn't know what it was that possessed him to speak his mind to him. As he had expected Pippin frowned and refused to take him seriously.

"I have never heard such nonsense" he said and returned to his trade offering. "Now, the way I see it, Tuckburough produces much more wheat than Buckland but in return Buckland produces a lot more corn. Now if we could--"

"I don't know why you are talking to me about this, I don't understand it" Merry said. "Frankly I'm not so sure I understand this role that's been thrust upon me since my return. Berilac is more suited and we both know it, why can't I just decline my right to the title and let it pass to him?"

"Because this is what you always wanted" Pippin said. "All your life you prided yourself in being the heir to the Master and you had lots of ideas of things you wanted to change and what you wanted to accomplish."

"None of that matters now, does it?"

"Not right now, no. But what of the day when you remember everything again? I would hate for you to wake up one day with your memories back, knowing that you just gave up earlier and gave your future away to Berilac. He is competent, I am the first to admit that, but you owe it to yourself to hang on to this. Frankly I won't let you give it up."

Merry didn't bring the subject up again. But a lot of his energy went to trying to keep up appearances in front of the other Hobbits, he didn't want to know what would happen if they thought him to be incompetent. After a while he decided that the best course of action would be to talk to Berilac and so he did.

He had learned from previous conversations that Berilac would stand by what he had been taught as a child even if it didn't coincide with his own wishes. Thus trying to tell him what he had told Pippin would doubtlessly have no effect at all. Berilac seemed very uncomfortable having to discuss these matters but Merry insisted, having other things in mind at this time than giving the title up.

"Things are hard for me" he said to his cousin. "And I'm not too proud to ask for help when I need it. I'm hoping you will agree to be my advisor, at least for a year, until I have truly learned the ropes. I think we can both agree that we want what is best for Buckland and together I think we can accomplish that. I know I can't do it on my own, not yet anyway. Will you help me?"

"You shouldn't turn to me" Berilac said, twisting in his chair. "Thain Peregrin is the one you should be speaking with. If the Master needs help he turns to the Thain and vice versa. I am just your cousin and I have no claims to any advisory position."

"Berilac we both know that you are more than just a cousin" Merry said. "You held this position for years; you know how it is to be run. What does the Thain know about Buckland? I'm telling you Berilac I am mighty fond of this land. I don't need to remember it; I love it just the same, from the first few days I spent here. Thain Peregrin might be good and competent but he doesn't know the lands as you do, and he doesn't know Brandy Hall or the Bucklanders. Forget about what ought to be fitting or not, can you really leave Buckland in my rather poor hands when you have the chance to help keep an eye on things?"

"I would love to assist you…" Berilac said longingly, unable to let go of all the plans he had had for Buckland.

"Then please do."

"Alright then" Berilac said after a moment's hesitation. "I will assist you. In the shadows, you needn't go public with needing someone to back you up. I love all the Bucklanders, but frankly they can be awfully simple-minded sometimes. They want to believe that they are led by the most competent Hobbit in the Shire, and with your history they expect nothing short of miracles. I don't want to take them out of the idea that you can run this office all on your own."

Merry smiled with warmth.

"I must have done some pretty amazing things."

"I'm sorry" Berilac said and found himself blushing. "I shouldn't have made such mentionings. It was thoughtless of me."

"It's quite alright" Merry assured him. "I can handle it. We can't go tiptoeing around the past all the time, sooner or later it has to be dealt with."

"While we are on that subject, can I perhaps ask you a sensitive question?"

"I suppose."

"Have you seen Miss Bolger recently?"

"Who?"

"Estella" Berilac said, slightly surprised that the name hadn't been familiar. "You remember her, don't you?"

"Yes, right, she was here the evening of my arrival" Merry said. "No I haven't seen her since then."

"What of your marriage to her?"

"What of it?"

"I assume it's still on. Perhaps you ought to meet with her and her mother, her father is dead by now, and discuss the plans more carefully. Since your own mother is dead and mine is too, my wife would be happy to step in and assist from our part. I assume the wedding will be held in spring?"

"Wedding…" Merry said. "I'm not so sure about the wedding."

"In what aspect? I'm sorry; perhaps it's none of my business. But as Master you really ought to think about marriage and a family."

"Not now" Merry said, shaking his head. "It's too soon. With everything else that is going on around me I cannot deal with marriage arrangements right now."

Berilac, who still believed Merry remembered Estella and thought he only meant that he was too stressed to be thinking about joyous occasions, nodded compassionately and searched through his mind for any other cases where an engagement might have been prolonged. Of course, this one had already been prolonged for more than a decade; it sure was about time that Merry and Estella got married.

"Perhaps we can put the wedding off for a bit" he said thoughtfully. "Normally a year is the longest period between engagement and wedding, but I think people will be able to understand that these circumstances are not normal."

"Does it matter what people think?"

"In the Shire it **always** matters what people think."

Merry shrugged his shoulders, glad to be off the hook for now. He realised that Estella must be expecting a wedding soon and that he needed to speak with her first, but it felt good to have Berilac on his side. He was beginning to like his cousin more and more. He wondered how close they had been in the past. So far Berilac had been his greatest support since he arrived in the Shire and Merry wasn't quite sure what he would do without him.

**XXX  
XXX  
XXX**

Sorry it took me so long to update. I came down with the flu, nothing serious, but it kept me from the computer for a few days... The next chapter will be along shortly!


	25. Home

**The Shire, August of 1437**

Merry looked out the round window of his sitting room and saw Buckland in its finest. Summer was still warm and bright and autumn was so far away one could never imagine that winter even existed. He had come to love these lands; they were just the right place for a Hobbit. He had to admit that life at Brandy Hall was good, the Hobbit hole fitted him much better than the stone halls of Minas Tirith and the people around him didn't stop and stare the way they had done in Gondor.

Yet he found he longed back there, so much that it made his heart ache. Today was one year to the day since he had been brought to the Houses of Healing, alive but wounded, robbed of his past and with an uncertain future. On that day he had been terrified and lonely but there had also been a glimpse of joy which he had not seen since he left Minas Tirith. Éowyn had been there. His lady, the one he remembered, her sweet appearance always clad in white and always with that fair hair hanging down her back like a cape. The way she had talked to him and the way she had looked at him made him feel better than anything else. She was far away now and he missed her terribly.

The Shire was his home now, or at least so he was supposed to feel. Everyone around him assured him that he belonged there, that he had come home at last and that he must never leave again. And in truth he felt better in these surroundings than when he had been lonely in Minas Tirith. But he could not feel at home here, something was missing. The only time he had really felt any belonging during the past year had been with her. It was crazy, but she was his home now, and when he was parted from her he felt lost. He knew it didn't make any sense and that if he told anyone they would call him mad, but he couldn't help but feel that way. He had written her letters and she had replied, but it was not the same as seeing her face to face. If it was not for all the kindness he had been shown in the Shire he would have returned to her a long time ago.

There was a soft knock on the door. He braced himself and went to open it. He had sent word to Estella Bolger to come see him today, to tell her that their marriage was put off indefinitely. No doubt would she be sorry to hear it and he didn't even want to think of what her family might do. Her brother Fredegar, or Fatty as his well-earned nickname was, would no doubt be furious with him in his father's place. Merry had seen Fatty a few times, apparently the two had been friends before, and although Merry found the very idea of Fatty defending his sister's honour ridiculous he sure didn't want the trouble it would no doubt bring.

He opened the door for her and Estella stepped inside with a warm smile on her face. There was something so soft and gentle about her which made his whole agenda much more difficult. It would be hard hurting such a soft creature, especially since she would probably offer him nothing but brave understanding.

What he really wanted to tell her was that their engagement was off. He had only seen her once before and he felt nothing more now then he had then. But something Pippin had said kept him from breaking the engagement. He must have loved her before, to ask her to be his wife. If he rejected her now and broke her heart he might regret it bitterly when he remembered her again. The best way to go was to postpone the ceremony and stay betrothed until further notice.

"I'm glad you asked me to come here" she said in her soft voice and took his hands with a smile. "I've missed you. Since we saw each other last, I mean, even though I of course missed you before that as well. I have been wanting to come here and meet with you but I thought you might need some time and I didn't want to disturb you."

"That's mighty kind of you" he said.

"Though I am here now" she said, still with that soft voice, and rubbed the back of his hands with her thumbs. "I should have brought you champignons."

"Oh you really don't need to do any such things" Merry said quickly. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel she owed him anything.

"Are you going to tell me why I am here today, or did you just want to look at my face as much as I've wanted to look at yours?"

"I asked you here to speak of the wedding. But before you say anything I must remind you of how things are now. With me, I mean."

"You don't want us to marry by the end of the year, I can understand that much" she said gently. "Don't worry about it Meriadoc. Nobody expects us to be wed before the month of June, a year after you came home, and I understand that you need a little time. If I've waited this long I can surely wait until next summer."

"I'm afraid it doesn't end there" Merry said and pulled his hands out of hers. "This wedding… I can't commit myself to anybody at this time, I can't stand next to you and promise you eternal love, nor let you promise me that, when I don't even remember you or know who you are. It's not fair and it's not fitting. The wedding will have to be postponed, I don't know for how long. That is if you still want it."

"You know I do" her soft voice said. "And I see your dilemma. After all these years all I want is to finally be the wife I was going to be to you, I have never forgotten it and now that you are back I know there was a reason why."

"I must be frank with you; I hate feeling that I owe you something when I cannot give it to you. So many years of your life to no use, how can I ever give them back to you? Whatever happened to all the romance in your life? How come you wasted your life waiting for a lover who you thought was dead?"

"Wasted my life?" Estella asked, even now with softness. "I had one love and one alone, whether he was alive or dead. Remembering that love is not a waste. Marrying someone I didn't love just for the sake of getting to put a Mrs in front of my name, that would have been a waste."

"When you put it like that… Estella I would give the very breath from my chest to give all those years back to you, and all the heartache. But I can't."

"You always know just what to say" she smiled and gently caressed his cheek with the back of her hand.

Merry looked confused, not sure exactly what he had said or how it had helped her. He couldn't tell whether or not this conversation was going where he wanted it to, somehow she seemed to be the one controlling it. Through all her sweetness, which felt genuine and candid, he could sense a determination in her and enough strength to go after what she wanted. Right now he was what she wanted and he wondered if he would be able to avoid letting her win.

"Estella does it not bother you that you look at me with love and I look at you and see a stranger?" he had to ask.

"Oh Merry, you dear fool" she said. "What does it matter whether or not you remember me?"

The question startled Merry.

"It matters a whole lot, I would say!"

"We loved one another" she said gently. "Those things about me that made you fall in love are still there. Once you let go of your obsession with memories and just live life again you will find that I am still that Hobbit that you once asked to be your wife. You fell in love with me once and you will do so again, for you have no power to control it. We can start anew, you and I. Take your time, as much as you need, and then seek me out. Just trust in me like I trust in you, and everything will be alright."

"I hope you are right" Merry said and closed his eyes, wishing she could have been his feeling of home instead. With his left hand the clasped the hand she held against his cheek. "For both our sakes."

**XX  
XX**

After eating a large lunch Merry heard some noise outside and headed out to see what the commotion was all about. Estella had left more than an hour ago and right now all he wanted was some peace and quiet, whatever the hullabaloo was he would tell them to settle down and not cause such a disturbance.

When he came outside he found a number of Hobbits gathered around, looking like they were waiting for something to happen. A few yards away stood Pippin, visiting for the first time in weeks, clad in his Gondorian armour. Merry wondered what was up but when he took a step towards his cousin a shiny sword landed by his feet. Pippin looked at him with firm eyes and spoke.

"Alright mister, you've had a year, now it's time for the gloves to come off!"

Merry stared with a gaping mouth at the sword by his feet. Had Pippin gone completely mad? The next thing he knew he heard a sword being drawn, assumingly by Pippin, and frightened he grabbed the sword by his feet and held it up in defence.

Pippin came walking up to him, slowly but with the scheming of a cat. The sword in his hand looked sharp and Merry wondered exactly what Pippin intended to do.

"You were a good swordsman in your day, Master Meriadoc" Pippin said in a voice Merry had never heard before. "You must remember it."

"I'm afraid I do not" Merry said and glanced over at Pippin to mirror the way he held his sword.

"No?"

"No! So whatever it is you--"

Before he could finish Pippin had swung his sword at him with full force, forcing him to react with the speed of lightning. He barely managed to swing his sword high enough for it to stop Pippin's and for a paralysing moment he believed his cousin had gone mad and wished to kill him.

Pippin casually walked a few paces away from him and spoke as if nothing at all was the matter.

"For a year now you have sat around waiting to remember. I think you know how to remember, somewhere you do. We shall see just how that works."

He swung his blade at Merry again and with genuine fear Merry managed to fend it off at the last second. Again Pippin walked a few paces away, still very casually. Merry glanced at the Hobbits around them. They all looked startled but none of them seemed intent on coming to his aid. He wondered what would happen if the next blow hit him instead of his sword.

"You were well taught in the art of swordplay" Pippin said. "Boromir of Gondor taught us both before he died. Further training was received at our respective courts. You put your skills into great use at the battlefield."

Again he came after Merry, swinging his blade, once again having it fended off by Merry's. Merry backed a few paces and began to pant, the sword was heavy and every nerve in his body was tensed. Pippin took two steps away from him, then suddenly turned and made his move again, this time striking twice with Merry managing to fend both blows off. Merry's heart pounded with full force and he could feel the sweat breaking out on his forehead.

"Do you have what it takes?" Pippin asked and swung his sword twice more. "Can you remember when your life depends on it?" he cried. "If you don't remember your swordplay now then you will be dead within five more strokes from my sword. You are parrying it wrong, wasting your strength!"

"You're crazy!" Merry cried.

For an insane eternity, it could have been five minutes or an hour, Pippin kept coming after Merry and Merry kept backing and parrying. Suddenly, without really knowing how it had happened, Merry changed his grip on the sword and swung it with more precision. He struck back at Pippin who skilfully stepped aside and returned the attack.

The fight went on, but now it was not solely Pippin who attacked and Merry who parried. They both swung their swords at one another, releasing much of the anger, resentment, hurt and frustration that they had been bottling up inside for a year. Merry began to feel more and more that he knew what he was doing. Techniques came back to him as if they were instinct and it all almost seemed like a well choreographed show.

"Do you remember?" Pippin cried, noticing the difference quite clearly. "**Do you remember**?"

"**Yes**!" Merry cried.

But that did not stop the fight. They fought until Merry felt the whole world had turned into a cloud of dust from the ground, the sound of blade on blade and the heavy beatings of his heart.

After what felt like ages Merry had no strength left and he sunk down on his knees, sweating and panting heavily. If Pippin was intent on killing him then he would have to do so with Merry unarmed. He let go of his sword and closed his eyes for a second.

When he opened them Pippin stood by his feet, breathing heavily but far less exhausted than Merry was. Merry looked up at him and could not tell anything by the look in his eyes. That was far more scary than anything else and Pippin seemed to realise that for he shook his head slightly.

"That was not so hard, was it?" he said. "No need to look at me like that. Had I wanted to kill you you would have been dead now."

With that he dropped his sword at Merry's feet and turned and walked away. Merry slowly got up on his feet, glad that nobody rushed to his side. He felt humiliated and defeated and wished nobody had been around to witness the battle. Pippin's figure disappeared around a hilltop. Without knowing why Merry gave a furious cry and ran after him.

He caught up with him not long after the hill and with ferocity threw himself over the younger Hobbit, causing him to fall to the ground with a large thud.

"Are you completely out of your mind?" Merry snarled. "Are you?"

"Are **you**? Attacking me from **behind**?"

Pippin managed to turn, without Merry ever knowing how, and began to wrestle. Both of them could consider themselves lucky nobody had followed to see what would happen next, for they would surely have been embarrassed to be seen like that, rolling around on the ground like two youngsters fighting over something unimportant.

"I remembered something **practical**, a **skill**" Merry growled through gritted teeth. "That is not the same as remembering something else! Don't pride yourself in anything."

"You have the ability to remember you just won't" Pippin snarled back. "I am tired of walking on eggshells around you, it's always be careful around Merry this, and don't upset Merry that. You had a year and nothing happened; now you cannot hide behind your proclaimed memory loss anymore, face the world and deal with it!"

"**Proclaimed**?"

Merry was strengthened by his anger but Pippin was less tired and in the end managed to pin Merry down by the river bank.

"Calm down and act with some **dignity** or I will throw you in the Brandywine as true as my name being Took!"

Merry had some very vicious things on the tip of his tongue but he kept quiet and when Pippin felt him relax he moved aside and released his grip. Merry was unable to move for a while, even more humiliated now and still very angry. All he could do was lay there and fight to catch his breath, staring at the sky above and wishing evil things over Pippin. Pippin sat on his knees next to him, panting too, but not as angry. He seemed to have gotten to say what he needed to say and was ready to go back home as soon as Merry got up and proved he was able to get back to the Hall on his own.

"Just walk away" he said to Merry when they had both rested for a while. "Go back to Brandy Hall and forget about it all like you've done so well in the past year."

"What are we trying to save?" Merry asked, still not moving. "All that anger you showed when you were fencing was real, was that still about the things you wonder if I might have lied about?"

"I am sick and tired of you Merry" Pippin said. "Sick and tired of it all in fact. During the first months I understood that we needed to treat you delicately but after a whole year we can't keep doing that. This is life Merry, face it. It's not going to get any better and I am not going to try and shelter you from any of it."

"No it was more than that" Merry panted. "You **hated** me up there!"

"You're right" Pippin said after a pause. "I hate you so. And I love you so. You have no idea how hard those two are to combine."

Through his anger and his fatigue Merry had to chuckle.

"I never thought you hated me that much though. Forgive me for not appreciating being hated by you when your reasons make no sense at all to me. Hate me for having made false promises? That's a little extreme, wouldn't you say?"

"I hate you because I can't stop caring about you. I hate you because throughout everything all I've wanted to do has been to tell you time and time again how much I care about you. I don't want to care; I really, really do not want to care anymore! I want to be free but you won't let me be. Words cannot express what you mean to me and for that you deserve all my hatred."

"Sounds a bit backwards if you ask me" Merry panted.

"You shouldn't mean a thing to me now, you haven't deserved it. For all the pain and sorrow you have caused me you should hold no power over my heart. I love something that never existed and I hate you so for that."

"It seems we have had this discussion before" Merry said, finally beginning to catch his breath. "Why is it that you always keep coming back for more?"

"The perfect friendship that ended wrong" Pippin said. "I don't think anyone else has ever cared about me more than you used to. Not even Diamond, not in the same way. You saw me for all my faults and you didn't care a bit about them. She does, but she loves me anyway. I don't know, perhaps that is the better way. Merry what I wouldn't do just to be with you again, the Merry on the other side of the accident by the river. But that is never going to happen so can we please walk our separate ways?"

"No" Merry said. "We can't. We have to be in each other's lives one way or another and I have been thinking a lot of what you said about when I remember again. I owe it to myself not to throw anything away that I cared about then. Don't you think you owe it to us both not to throw anything away until I have the chance to appreciate them? What happens the day I have my memories back and everything could go back to normal, me being that Hobbit you have missed for all these years?"

"That Hobbit, and that friendship, does not exist" Pippin said and rose to his feet. "You want to do something for me cousin? Let my life be as it was before. Before you came back. I had a life going for myself and I want to keep that life, not the one I had a decade ago. Walk back to your home and live your life separate from mine."

"Home?" Merry said and rose as well. "Home is a feeling, not a place. I have no home here."


	26. Burdens

**Tuckburough, January of 1438**

Pippin shivered and rubbed his hands together over the fire to warm them up. He had been out riding when a January snow storm had caught him by surprise and it had taken him a good half an hour to find his way back to the Smials. The snow wasn't falling as heavily and the winds blew with less fury when he reached his home but by that time it didn't matter much since he was already freezing. He had left the pony in someone else's care and hurried inside to warm up.

On the way he had run into Sam, who had been doing business in Tuckburough and realised it was no use trying to head for Hobbiton in this weather and hoped to spend the night at the Smials. Sam had only spent a few minutes out in the cold and was far less frozen than Pippin, but he too was more than happy to sit down close to the fire and wait for some hot tea and biscuits.

"I'm glad you are here" Pippin said. "We haven't seen much of one another lately. Other than in business I mean. I hope the snowstorm increases so you will have no choice but to spend the night."

"Is that an invitation?" Sam grinned.

"A humble request from an old friend."

Sam sat back in his chair and pulled the blanket he had been given around him. It had indeed been far too long since he had come to the Smials as a visitor. Most winters he and Pippin would spend many days together by the fireplace, roasting tomatoes and drinking blueberry tea. Together they would read old books or tell each other stories, or Sam would recite poetry. It was a cosy arrangement, usually a few or all family members would come sit down as the evening progressed and listen to the stories with eyes wide open with wonderment. This winter there had been few such visits.

"I will stay regardless of the weather, on one condition" Sam said firmly.

Pippin looked up from his frozen hands.

"What is that?"

"That you come visit us at Bag End before the month is over, and sit with me by my fireplace."

Pippin grinned. That he could do. He happily agreed to Sam's terms and lifted up a foot to give it a good rubbing.

"You know…" he said. "I got to thinking just the other day… about the siege of Minas Tirith, or more precisely the days after it had lifted. How young and foolish we were then!"

"We still are young" Sam insisted.

"Life was changing for us forever, it would never go back to the way it had been" Pippin continued. "From being mere Halflings we were knights and esquires, our names praised and skalds were already promising us that our names would be sung for ages to come. It was the first Great Change of our lives, and at that time I never expected that there would be so many. I am up to three at the time being, and I pray that there will never be a fourth, for the second and the third were both more troublesome than rewarding."

"We can't choose the paths of our lives and I think we should be grateful for that" Sam said.

"I remember so vividly the day after the siege lifted… Merry was up and about, though weak, but we went for a walk through the gardens at the Houses of Healing, the gardens he cannot stand today for whatever reason. Legolas and Gimli came to visit us and together we walked through the gardens until Merry got tired, then we sat on the walls and spoke for hours. We were so happy to be together again, just to be near one another, all four of us. We all felt that strong bond at that time and I remember that even though things were still dark ahead I was happy then, for I had the truest of friends with me. We never thought that anything could change between us, after all we had lived through how could anything possibly cause disruptions between us?"

Sam didn't say anything but it was clear that he was thinking hard about something. Pippin waited for a moment to see if his friend would comment, but when he didn't say anything Pippin went on.

"I think I lost Legolas when Merry disappeared. He was never able to forgive me for being just me and the sight of me alone disrupted the memories which he wished to linger in where Merry and I were concerned. Gimli is more faithful than ever, but he and Legolas seem to be having differences of opinion all the time these days, I'm not quite used to hearing them debate like that. Aragorn, well he tries, but for some reason it doesn't work. Those things we all took for granted are slowly changing and slipping away from us."

Sam sat quiet for a long while and wondered how much of what he was thinking he could say to Pippin. Probably not very much, he deemed. Pippin was sensitive when these matters were concerned nowadays.

Before he could make up his mind about what to say and not to say Diamond came in with tea, biscuits and freshly baked bread to warm them up. Sam wondered if she was planning on staying but she seemed to sense that they were talking about difficult matters and left as soon as they were set. Once she had gone Sam had decided to say little, but enough.

"Everything that happened when he got lost, all the changes, those were temporary" he said. "You left Minas Tirith so soon after all, all of you were still grieving and handling it in your different ways. So many years then passed before you were reunited that it's no wonder that things were strange, you needed some time to find your way back to one another and start over. However that process was interrupted by one much more strange happening than anything before. Merry came back. Suddenly you all had to find your bonds again at the same time as you were faced with the double shock of finding your dead friend alive after all those years and finding out that he knew nothing about you anymore. Instead of growing closer, as you were about to do when he came back, you began to drift apart again."

"But that should only be temporary too, right?" Pippin hoped.

"That I'm not so sure of. One blow can be handled, but two? I'm worried that being forced to retry your friendships before they have even healed might have its consequences. It should have brought you all closer together but it didn't."

"Honestly I didn't care much about my relationship to Legolas, Aragorn or Gimli at the time" Pippin admitted. "What mattered to me was Merry, that was the only friendship I focused on and it was… Well, you know how it's been."

"I know what it looks like."

"And what is that?"

"It looks as though you're letting go" Sam said.

Pippin snorted.

"Why should I be the villain in this story?" he asked.

"You must know how queer it is for all of us to see you two staying away from each other purposely."

"How is that any of your business?"

"Don't be mad at me! I mean no harm! All I'm saying is that we saw you before, as close as any Hobbits have ever been, and we saw you nearly being lost when he died. Then by some miracle he returns and what do you do? Desist. I have heard your reasons why and I know how you feel you can't trust the friendship that you had but what I don't see is how it even matters."

"What?"

"He is alive, what difference does it make if he was not as perfect in some aspects as you thought he was? If you could come face to face with Pippin of ten years ago and tell him that he could have Merry back, but that this would be the catch, he would gladly give everything he had for Merry to return. What is different now?"

"Don't, I don't want to talk about it again."

"He was the greatest friend of all to you once" Sam insisted.

"I moved on" Pippin said. "How can you all ask of me that I should just forget the past ten years and go back to where I was on May of 1425?"

"That's not what we're asking. We're asking you not to forget the time up till May of 1425. That's what we want and expect from you."

"I don't care what anybody expects. Ever since my father became Thain my whole life has been about what others have expected of me."

"But you do realise that you cannot run away from your problems? It's not just Merry, it's Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn too! Do you want to lose them all?"

"Of course not" Pippin said with feeling.

"I don't think that anything can change regarding you and them until things are the way they should between you and Merry again."

"I used to think that, and I keep being told so over and over again. But things are **not** going to change Sam so you all just have to accept it."

"There are too many memories here still" Sam said. "For every memory he has lost we all carry the double. He is completely oblivious to what he has done in his life but one thing he knows is that he was not merely a cousin to you. He knows that the two of you shared a bond, he can feel it now even though I'm starting to doubt that you can."

"He doesn't feel a thing" Pippin objected.

"Yes he does. There is chemistry between the two of you and he can feel it just as well as we others can see it."

"Haven't you heard the way we speak to one another now?" Pippin asked and moved a log around in the fire. "There is always an argument lying beneath the surface, I am mad at him and he is mad at me and I sure don't feel pleased in his company."

Sam sighed and shook his head. He would not get any further with Pippin right now, not unless he spoke all things on his mind but it was not time for that yet.

"There comes a time when we have to dare to see the truth" he said to Pippin instead. "The truth of how things are now, not how they should have been if he hadn't been lost. The truth of what is happening to us all. To the Fellowship."

Pippin didn't reply. He stared into the fire and wondered why it was that no matter how often the subject of Merry was discussed there always seemed to be something new to say, or some new way to say old things in. After a while of silence Pippin brought up a topic they had been afraid to mention before.

"Sam… Merry does not remember Frodo. Is that not horrible? Just the thought of it breaks my heart… You know how close they were. I am terrified of speaking of Frodo in front of Merry for I am sure that if I can handle everything else I cannot handle him not knowing who Frodo is. I have been tempted to try and contact Frodo in the Undying Lands, ask him to come back to Middle-Earth and help heal his friend, but I know it cannot be done. It just saddens me… Frodo doesn't deserve to be forgotten, especially not by Merry."

"None of us deserve to be forgotten" Sam said. "And Merry does not deserve to forget about us."

They fell silent again. After a long while Sam gave Pippin a pat on the shoulder and rose to go to bed.

"Try and make things better with Merry" he said to Pippin. "For all our sakes… Time should heal your wounds; they have in the past, just set it aside for now and savour what is left. For all of us. Every conflict needs a hero, someone who is willing to cast aside their wants to make things better again. If Merry cannot be the hero then you ought to be. I don't want to see the Fellowship fall apart any further over this. Goodnight Pippin, I'll see you in the morning."

Pippin didn't seem to have heard him. He stared into the fire and seemed oblivious to anything around him. He didn't notice the ticking of the clock or the fact that the fire was starting to burn out. He felt numb and dead inside and for a moment wished he had been the one who had ridden out that day and been attacked by the orcs. And he wished he would not have made it back.

**XX  
XX**

Diamond found him in the sitting room more than an hour after he usually went to bed. She was dressed for bed and had her robe wrapped around her, and she was curious as to what was taking her husband so long. He always went to bed at the same time each night, with no everyday exceptions. Only when he went to parties did he stay up later than usual.

"Peregrin, what are you doing sitting here in the dark like this?" she had to ask softly when she found him.

Pippin didn't look up at her. It was as if he hadn't even heard her. He seemed completely oblivious to how cold it had gotten in the room and to the fire that had as good as burned out by now. Diamond walked up and wrapped a blanket around him. She sat down on the armrest and put an arm around his shoulders.

"Come to bed darling" she said softly. "What is keeping you?"

"I feel so trapped" he said, staring into the fireplace. "There is nowhere for me to turn. All around me people are telling me to make things better with Merry. I cannot escape! I am starting to feel panicked!"

"Easy now…" Diamond said and held him close. She gently caressed his face like she would with Faramir when he was upset. "Just shush… Nothing more can be demanded of you tonight. Come back to bed with me and escape into sleep."

"I still have to wake up to another morning" Pippin pointed out.

"But that is a whole night away. There is nothing more to do today than to go to rest. Forget about your troubles, if only for a few hours."

"Diamond I don't think I can handle another person asking me to come through for the friendship Merry and I had. How come I cannot make anyone understand that I don't **want** it to be saved?"

"Probably because they watched you miss it for ten years" she said. "They don't know everything that has gone on between Merry and you. All they see is that you were the best of friends, you grieved the loss of him, and now you won't work things out."

"I don't want to live this type of life" Pippin said. "I don't want to hurt anymore. And you know what else? I don't want to have to blame myself anymore."

"What do you blame yourself for?"

"Everything that others blame me for…" Pippin said and sighed. "Sam just put an even bigger burden on my shoulders. He said that if I don't step up and make things work with Merry then the whole Fellowship will suffer for it. That is so unfair of him, I cannot carry that load Diamond, I just can't!"

"I know…"

"Haven't I suffered enough by now? Why do I have to feel bad about this as well? All that I thought I would have in life has been taken from me one way or another, what more can people ask of me at this point? I never even got a chance at an ordinary life, all I wanted as a child was to be a farmer like my father and have a family and friends. But instead I was made a Thain's heir. Then all I wanted was peace and quiet but the War changed all that. I left the Shire out of my own free will but that journey took away my chances of having a normal life. But still I had the hopes for family and friends. Then Merry was taken from me and my family treated me oddly, and until I found you I felt like I had nothing. Now I'm losing all the friends I have and I feel like I'm a horrible husband to you and an awful father to Faramir for I am so troubled with my own demons that I don't have the time for you that I ought to have."

"Faramir and I understand" Diamond said. "Love, the best thing you can do for us is to heal yourself. All we want from you is your own happiness."

"I would have no happiness at all if it wasn't for the two of you" Pippin said. "You are the only gifts I have been given that have never been taken from me and I worry every day that I will lose you."

"People come and go in life; nobody knows how many years we will be given in this world. But you can rest assured that nothing can take your son and me away from you while we are still alive."

"Deep down I know you are right… I just don't dare to trust it. Had he said the exact same words to me twelve years ago I would have believed him."

"What happened to Merry is so unheard of that I doubt it will ever happen to anyone you know again" Diamond said. "I know your life is not what you had expected it to be but does that have to mean it's bad?"

"Looking back I feel like my life has been so lonely and so long… Try as I may there is one thing I can't deny and that is that when he left he took with him a part of me that nothing has been able to replace. Not even Merry could bring it back to me. He is here now again but it is not the same. How many times shall I have to grieve the loss of him? It hurts so badly every time I think of what I had and how I lost it all… In so many ways it was easier to just think he was dead. At least when I thought he was dead I knew what I was feeling."

Diamond gently stroke his face and his head and shushed him. She could feel how tense he was and she worried more than ever that he would snap. When they had first met she had been unaware of the grief he was carrying, she had never known Merry, and because she hadn't she had been able to help Pippin in a way no one else could. Now that same fact which had allowed her to help him in the past had become what made it impossible for her to help him now. She had no way of relating to the bonds they had between them and did not know how to even begin helping Pippin to find a way out of his problems.

For each passing day Diamond grew more and more worried about her husband. He carried a huge burden on his shoulders, a burden which had been placed there by his friends but also by himself. She could not understand how his friends could avoid seeing the toll it was taking. He had little energy, he frowned so often that he was getting wrinkles on his forehead and even his appetite was not what it always had been.

"Darling I think you need some time away from all of this…" she said and began to rub his shoulders. "You are so tense! What do you say to you, me and Faramir going to stay with my parents for a week or two? Hardly anyone there knows about you and Merry and you can take the time to play with Faramir and sit and sing with me in the evenings like you used to do when we were younger."

The trace of a smile appeared on Pippin's lips.

"As always Diamond you know just the thing to say or do… You're right. I really need to get away for a while, away from everyone who thinks I must snap my fingers and make things the way they were. I haven't the strength to handle it any longer. Their voices demand so much from me… Someone's always filling my ears with talk of how I need to handle Merry and this situation."

With a grown he leaned forward and hid his face in his hands. Diamond slid down in the chair behind him and wrapped her arms around him gently. She let her hands slidedown his arms and when they reached his hands he clasped them tightly. His eyes were closed tightly and when he placed a gentle kiss on her right hand she could feel his trembling breath.

"I haven't the strength to hear them any longer…"


	27. Memories

**The Shire, April of 1438**

In spite of his relationship to Pippin being frostier than ever since their rumble last August Merry could never shake the feeling of comfort around his cousin. They both actively worked on tearing down whatever walls were still protecting their bonds from their own desires to go their separate ways but it was not easy. Their bonds had been built through growing up together and forever strengthened through all the adventures they had seen together. Only Pippin remembered it, but the effect was still the same.

Sometimes Pippin wondered to himself if he had been wrong all these months. He couldn't deny that Merry felt the bond as well as he did, at least that much had survived. If he really wanted to Pippin knew he could see it as proof that Merry did remember him, but most of the time he realised that it was far too faint. And even if Merry could feel the bond now it had taken months to get that far, at first Merry had not even believed that Pippin was telling the truth when he spoke of their friendship. It might perhaps be a memory returning but it was still a memory that had been forgotten.

The reactions from the other Hobbits had not been nearly as strong as Pippin had expected. They did think it all was queer but nobody made a fuss about it save for a handful of those who knew Pippin the best. Pippin had earned enough respect among the Hobbits to keep them from sticking their noses in his business, and everyone seemed to respect Merry's situation and they left him alone. But above all it was the trip to Long Cleeve in the winter which had made people keep their opinions to themselves. People had begun to notice that it was all weighing heavily on Pippin's shoulders and they cared too much for their Thain to want to burden him further. Anyone who broke the unspoken rule of not bothering Pippin with it received a look from Mistress Diamond which could make anyone frightened.

After their talk in January even Sam avoided the subject when he spoke with Pippin. He had not dropped his thoughts on it and was thinking about writing to Aragorn and ask for his advice, but he did not want to bring anything up with Pippin until he had to. Bringing it up with Merry would be meaningless.

Pippin went over to Brandy Hall ever so often, and Merry came over to the Smials to do business, and every six weeks the two rode together to Hobbiton to sit down with Sam and discuss trade, maintenance and finances. Merry liked the visits to Hobbiton, Sam would always insist that they spend the night at Bag End and not at an inn, and the evenings at Bag End were lovely. Sam had a whole family out of which only two children had met Merry before he had gone to Ithilien all those years ago. Since there were no memories to recall with the others, and since the two who had met him had been too young to remember him, Merry felt right at home among them and quickly made bonds with the little children. An eleventh was on the way that spring and Merry couldn't help but feel a sting of jealousy when he saw Sam with his family, or Pippin with Faramir.

More and more his thoughts began to drift towards family. He was expected to have one and let his bloodline continue but more than that he began to feel like he **wanted** one. But for that he would have to be married, and he was not ready for that yet. He saw Estella every once in a while and she was always so sweet and gentle but Merry could not imagine actually marrying her. The strange thing was that he was beginning to find traces of old memories, but not in the way he had expected. It was more a feeling that something was not quite adding up.

He had once asked Estella Bolger to marry him, even if it hadn't been for all the people who insisted that he had loved her he would have known that was true. He could not imagine having asked her to marry him if he wasn't in love. Yet there was something about it all which didn't feel right. There was some big part of the puzzle missing and he had no clue where to even begin looking for it.

As discreetly as he could he began asking Berilac questions but it was little use. His cousin refused to tell him anything aside from old traditions and arrangements of different kinds. The only other thing Merry managed to get out of him was that he and Estella had been betrothed for six months when he travelled to Gondor, and that he was expected back by July for an August wedding. That was not much information to go on.

When Berilac was exhausted as a source he went to Pippin, which was even more difficult. Pippin blankly refused to help him the least bit until Merry told him exactly what was going on. Merry didn't want to at first but in the end his desire to find out more overcame his desires to keep it all to himself.

"It just doesn't make sense" he said.

"What doesn't make sense?" Pippin asked.

"Well I… I've been thinking about Estella a lot. And how I promised to marry her and that I loved her once. Yet when I think about it there is something telling me that I am missing a piece of the puzzle."

"What do you want me to tell you then?" Pippin asked. "I'll give you the brief details if that's what you want. After a year and a half we might as well start to feed you memories, so go ahead and ask."

"I guess I just want to know what we were like together. What made me fall for her? And how did we end up courting?"

"She is Fatty's sister as you know" Pippin said. "You've known her from childhood. One day I guess you just saw her in a different light. After you came back from your first big journey I think you saw her for the first time as an adult. After a couple of years the two of you began to court. What you were like together? Well you were more smiles than laughs, you always seemed to have a good time but you were both more prone to the serious disposition. You seemed to fit each other well."

Merry nodded slowly and wondered if that information would help him in any way. Pippin looked curious as to what Merry was trying to figure out but he didn't say anything. After asking a few more questions Merry thanked him and returned to Brandy Hall.

**XX  
XX**

Merry could not let go of the feelings he had concerning his engagement. He often found himself thinking about it, trying as hard as he could to remember anything but it seemed hopeless. It wasn't until he had least expected it that it seemed to be coming back to him, and even then it was no more than a feeling or a general idea. He couldn't know if it was real or not and exactly what it meant. All he knew was that he woke up one day, on the anniversary of Aragorn's coronation, and knew more than he had known going to sleep the night before.

He needed to talk to someone to sort through his thoughts and get some hint of what it all could mean. Merry decided that Pippin was the one he wanted to voice his thoughts to. After all Pippin had shown a glimpse of the friend he had been when Merry had gone to him with this earlier. And if Pippin didn't know the answer then Merry didn't know who possibly might.

He came to see him early one Wednesday in May and asked him to come out for a walk. Pippin looked sceptical at first but when Merry told him it concerned his memories he agreed to go with him.

They walked down a secluded road and Pippin waited for Merry to do the talking. Merry wanted to wait until he was really sure that nobody could overhear them and then he spoke up.

"I woke up a few mornings ago remembering something more than when I went to bed" he said.

"What was it?"

"I'm not quite sure…"

"Tell me what you think then."

"I think I loved someone."

"You did" Pippin said. "Estella. Remember her? She's in your life."

"No… Someone who never knew."

"Who?"

"I don't know yet. But when I find her again I will."

Pippin mulled it over for a while.

"Well that would certainly explain why you don't feel completely good about your engagement" he said. "But it does not however explain why you proposed to Estella in the first place."

Merry felt dejected.

"You don't know anything about this? I never told you about it?"

"Obviously not" Pippin said icily.

"Is there any chance that I am wrong about all this?"

"How should I know?" Pippin asked. "Merry if it is true then you never said a word to me, so I can't confirm it. That doesn't have to mean that it's not true though. For all I knew you were happy with Estella, perhaps there were a few wedding nerves but who doesn't get them? Though if you want my opinion… I don't think there was another lass. I think you are afraid now because you have a commitment you don't know that you can see through to the end and you're looking for a way out from it. So your mind fabricated a memory of loving another, which would let you off the hook now because if there was another then you wouldn't betray yourself by calling off the engagement."

Merry listened without saying a word. It did sound like good sense, all of it. And nobody should know him better than Pippin, if Pippin had not heard anything about him loving someone other than Estella then he most likely didn't.

"You have no clue who this other lass was, am I right?"

"That's right. I can't remember."

"Chances are you would have run into her by now" Pippin said. "True there might be someone in one of the other farthings whom you met and fell for, but wouldn't it make more sense if she was from Buckland?"

"You're right" Merry said.

"I think I am" Pippin nodded. "But honestly Merry, if you feel that you might be on to something then explore the possibility further. Maybe it is true, and if so then you have remembered something. Try to remember more."

Merry got an urge to stick his hand under Pippin's arm and walk with him like real friends. Why was it so hard to resist this feeling whenever Pippin lowered his guard and showed him compassion and kindness? At other times Merry could truly despise Pippin. He wished that there would be some sign that Pippin wanted to stick his arm under Merry's too, in spite of the things Pippin had sometimes said his actions never showed any signs of him wanting to be close friends again. It was all in his hands; Merry knew that if Pippin wanted his friendship back he would have it. That was how far it had come, from disliking Pippin and being afraid of him to feeling a need to be around him even when they argued and even though Merry thought he was incredibly annoying half the time.

But for now things remained the same. For this brief moment Pippin would show him support and kindness and then he would go back to wanting nothing to do with Merry. They would exchange grumpy glares and bicker and be at each other's throats again. How one Hobbit could make Merry feel so content at one time and so unhappy at others was a real mystery.

**XXX  
XXX  
XXX**

It's summertime... which means updates might be more irregular than before. Sorry. I'll try to update at least once a week! Thank you for reading.


	28. Stupid

**The Shire, May of 1438**

Every year in May the Hobbits of the Shire held a large fair. The location varied between the four farthings and Buckland, going around in a circle, and this year it was to be held in Buckland. Weeks of planning and preparations were required before the fair could open and it was a massive task even for someone who had done it before. Merry had not.

Since Hobbits would be coming from all around the Shire the first problem was to make room for them all. The inns were fully booked weeks ahead and following a tip from Berilac Merry made preparations to have those who had their own booth sleep in the rooms of the many houses owned by the Brandybuck family. Finding room was a relatively easy problem; if not else people could camp outdoors since it seemed to be a week of lovely weather. But feeding hundreds of hungry Hobbits was a far more difficult task and Merry's face went pale just thinking about it.

The largest meadow in Buckland would be set up as the scene of the fair, since the town squares were too small. There was a huge hustle and bustle as three large tents were raised in which the booths selling food and clothes would be, in case of rain. The rest, those who sold everything from paintings to silverware to leather handicrafts and assorted knickknacks, would be outdoors and could only hope that the weather would hold. More than two-hundred people had signed up for a booth and the meadow was a complete chaos on the days before the fair was set to open.

On top of everything else going on it seemed like a full-time job to keep curious Hobbits away, especially young Hobbits who wanted to sneak a taste from one of the many food booths, or prove their courage by stealing smaller items. Merry soon called in the shirriffs and left it up to them to keep an eye on the young rascals, and the occasional older one who couldn't wait for Monday or didn't like the idea of paying for things.

With the shirriffs came Pippin, which Merry at first thought was a blessing since he had arranged the fair before and knew what needed to be done. But soon it dawned on Merry that Pippin was more in the way then he was a help, when he wasn't with the shirriffs he was bothering Merry with questions which Merry felt pointless. Either they concerned things that had been taken care of weeks ahead or they concerned things which didn't seem important at all.

When Pippin on the third day before the fair was to open brought along his son Merry felt like he was going to throw a fit. The last thing he needed was a Hobbit child walking around the premises with permission. For one thing it made the other youngsters harder to control, since they didn't see why one child could be there and not all. For another Merry was not quite so sure that Faramir Took would stay out of trouble, he had been told that Pippin had been quite the accomplished lifter of food from the booths at a younger age. No doubt Faramir would be the same way.

As if the whole debacle with the fair itself was not enough there was to be a great party held on Saturday night, the last night of the fair, and that alone took a lot of planning. Merry had laid the full responsibility over to Berilac, feeling no urge whatsoever to plan a party in the middle of everything else. But it alarmed him that Berilac seemed to be sparing no expense with the party; just the list of how much beef would be served had made Merry stagger. Berilac insisted however that the bigger the party was, the better it would make Merry and the Bucklanders look.

Monday came and the fair opened, luckily the weather was sunny but not too warm and everything seemed promising. Merry could not believe his eyes when he saw how many Hobbits came, and how big their carts were. Apparently many of them planned on spending a good deal of money. After winter they were all starved of fresh food and luxuries, at the annual fair they could get all of this. Merry stood by the gate that had been set up as an opening and welcomed each and every Hobbit who arrived. After only an hour he felt like his mouth was going dry and he wondered for how long he could keep the smile on his face. They all seemed to know of him, even if they weren't acquainted with him, and all of them wanted to wish him welcome home.

The worst part for Merry was when a whole group of Hobbits came up to him and spoke solemnly about some battle at a place called Bywater, where Merry had apparently done some good deeds, and how they all admired him. It felt odd to be admired for things he couldn't remember and Merry had no idea what to say to them. They called him Captain Meriadoc and all of them wanted to bow to him but he urged them not to, as gently as he could.

Berilac came rushing over when he saw what was going on and with a firm voice he herded the group inside. Merry turned to him and asked what that was all about and Berilac explained as briefly as he could that Merry had been one of four Hobbits to see them through a difficult time. Merry shrugged his shoulders and wondered if all Hobbits were so sentimental, then his attention was turned back to a new group of Hobbits who arrived to the fair. It seems like a whole farthing had been emptied to come and barter.

All in all the first day went well. Everybody made their bargains and business in a civil way and there were no sour faces to be seen. Not a single report of theft came in and if there were any problems at all it was wondering if there would be enough Hobbits left in the Shire to fill the other five days.

But Tuesday brought just as many people as Monday, if not more. Merry did not have to greet them all at the gates this time, which he was thankful for, and he took the time to stroll around the area and admire the results of weeks of hard work. He could not walk more than a few paces at the time before someone stopped him to ask a question, wish him welcome home, or to just stare at him in amazement that he was really alive. Merry found it almost amusing; he was in a wonderful mood and didn't mind letting them look, point and ask questions. He could give them that much today.

He had managed most of the planning for the fair on his own, it was something he had done by himself and he had done it well. It felt very good to have accomplished something without the help of Berilac and he beamed with pride as he watched it all happen around him.

For a few weeks he had even forgotten about his longing to go to Minas Tirith or Ithilien and see Éowyn again. His troubles were all forgotten when he was faced with pulling off the fair and he had liked it. He felt good about himself and about the place he was in. With the exception of the situations with Pippin and Estella, and a few others, Merry was starting to disregard his memory loss and carry on with life. He was not quite so vulnerable now as he had been during the first months, now he had memories of the past two years and it was good enough for him. He no longer had to lie awake at night with not even memories to think of, he was gathering a set of new ones which worked very well for him.

Wednesday and Thursday went by without a sight of trouble. The weather held up and so far there was enough food and ale to go around. Berilac reported that everything was going well with the preparations for the party on Saturday and Merry was beginning to relax more and more. With a little luck, and he sure had deserved some luck by now, everything should be going as planned. He could not deny that the great fair had been good for Buckland, for the visitors not only came to buy and sell; they came to eat and drink at the inns. The profit would no doubt be large which meant less worry about this year's harvest.

On Friday they got some unexpected visitors. A troop of five Dwarves, led by a Dwarf with a purple hat, white beard and a face that looked at least two-hundred years old. He asked to see the three Hobbits of the Fellowship, but as only two were present he settled for that. Merry had no idea who he was but he assumed he was a friend of Gimli's. Pippin didn't recognise him either but when the Dwarf bowed deeply and introduced himself he knew who it was.

"Nori, most faithful servant" the Dwarf said.

"Peregrin, servant to your family in all ages" Pippin replied as Bilbo had taught him and bowed as well.

"Meriadoc, likewise" Merry said, not knowing what else to say, and bowed too.

"It is an honour to have such a noble visitor to our humble fair" Pippin went on, taking over Merry's duties as Merry looked like he had no idea what was expected of him.

"It is an honour to be here, Peregrin son of Paladin" Nori replied, being well-informed on the Hobbits of the Fellowship.

"Can we offer you some accommodation? Perhaps a pint of ale, or some wine to drink? Or would you perhaps like a tour of the area?"

"Accommodation sounds lovely" Nori said. "But not until evening falls. Until then, we are here to do business. The deft hands of the Hobbits make fine leather crafts which our hands are too old to create on their own. We are hoping to find some goods here."

"Of course" Pippin said. "The craftsmen are right down that way. When you are finished, come find me or Merry and we will take you to Brandy Hall for a nice supper and some stories by the fire."

"Your stories outshine mine I'm afraid" Nori said. "We shall come find you once we are done."

As soon as the Dwarves had wandered off Merry grabbed Pippin briskly by the arm and began to walk with him, hissing in his ear.

"What was that supposed to be good for?"

"What was what?" Pippin asked in his regular voice.

"Inviting them to live at Brandy Hall! Eat our food, drink our ale! How much do you think five Dwarves will consume? We have enough mouths to feed and there's a party tomorrow night!"

"Yes and I'm inviting them to stay for it" Pippin said without a concern in his voice. "Nori is an old friend, even though we haven't met him until today. He travelled with Bilbo Baggins, someone we both knew well at one time, as well as with old Gandalf, and we owe him our hospitality."

"Inviting him to the party?" Merry hissed, having not heard or cared about the rest. "I cannot believe you would be that stupid!"

He hadn't expected the reaction he would get. Pippin yanked his arm free and backed away from him.

"Don't call me stupid!" Pippin cried. "Don't even call me stupid! You were the only one who never thought I was stupid…"

"Or at least the only one who never said it out loud" Merry said in a challenging tone and crossed his arms.

Pippin looked at him with eyes that showed desperation, and Merry could see that they were beginning to fill up with tears. The reaction surprised him; a moment ago Pippin had been fine.

"How can you be so cruel?" Pippin asked in an oddly composed tone.

Merry didn't know what to answer him. Before he could think of anything Pippin had stormed off. He didn't even stop to acknowledge Diamond who came from the other direction with a full basket in her hands; he just shoved her aside and kept walking. Diamond looked over at Merry with surprised eyes and Merry sighed deeply.

**XX  
XX**

During the rest of the day Pippin was nowhere to be found. He didn't appear again until Nori announced that he and his friends were done bartering and were in the mood for some food and ale. Playing the role of humble host to perfection he guided the Dwarves to Brandy Hall, even though a few of them already knew where it was, and found rooms for them to sleep in. Merry came with them, leaving the events at the fair to Berilac, but he stayed in the back and felt rather out of place. He had no idea what to say, to the Dwarves or to Pippin, and thought it best to simply keep quiet. Pippin spoke for the both of them, asking questions about this Dwarf here and that Dwarf there and making references back to old events which had taken place long before either Pippin or Merry were born. If he was still angry he did not show it.

It surprised Merry later in the evening that Berilac didn't appear concerned that the Dwarves had eaten two large hams and most of the shepherd's pie. He said exactly what Pippin had said, that full hospitality should be shown and that the Dwarves should be invited to the feast the following night.

When the Dwarves sat down for a moment of storytelling that night Merry asked Nori to tell him about Bilbo Baggins. Nori didn't seem surprised at the request. He thought Merry knew the story by heart, but Hobbits loved to hear the same stories over and over, especially these ones and especially when the stories concerned someone they knew. Merry listened with a gaping mouth and wondered if he should believe his ears. Nori told of a wizard who did fire tricks, of goblins in the caves, a ring that made Bilbo disappear, eagles, spiders, barrels and a dragon. Most of all he talked about treasure. Merry swallowed every syllable and kept asking for more whenever Nori seemed to stop. He had heard some of it before, the story of the trolls and of the river where one of the Dwarves had fallen in and fallen asleep, but the vast majority of it all was new to him.

Pippin listened too, loving to hear the story again but not at the edge of his seat like Merry was. He sat leaned back in a chair, blowing smoke rings and watching them sail up towards the ceiling as Nori told his story. It was interesting to hear it told by someone new, when Gloin had told it there were some differences to Bilbo's tale, and Gandalf's version was not quite the same as theirs. Some details always changed, as they had seen and felt things differently, and they remembered things differently.

Remembered. There it was again.

The story continued but Pippin was no longer listening. He was thinking of his own story, his own adventure. And how the one person who could tell most of the same events would never have a different version than him anymore.

**XX  
XX**

The party the following day was grand. Berilac had done a fine job pulling all of it together and in spite of the five Dwarves the food was enough for all and there was ale and wine aplenty. Merry and Berilac presided at the head table, while Pippin made sure he was seated further away. He didn't want anything to do with his cousin tonight; he wanted to forget all about the argument from the day before even though it stung every time he thought of it.

Diamond was by his side and seemed oblivious to his somewhat murky mood. She was at very high spirits, having made some great findings at the fair and could not wait till next year's. Around her left wrist she wore a beautiful bracelet Pippin had bought her early the day before and she felt on top of the world. After a while Pippin couldn't help but be caught by her mood, as he always was, and he forgot all about the day before. Together they sang and laughed and ended up presiding at their own table, having all eyes on them. They sang one of Diamond's favourite songs which she had taught Pippin shortly after they first met and they began to teach it to those at their table who didn't know it from before. Soon the whole table was singing the song loudly, cheering and banging their hands on the table so that you had to hold on to your glass if you didn't want it to fall over.

When dinner was over and the orchestra began to play Pippin took her to the dance floor and before they knew how it had happened they had entered a dance contest and competed against five other couples for some trophy a Bunce had been unable to sell at the fair.

It was good to laugh and dance and feel like a real Hobbit again. Pippin and Diamond danced wildly and happily and didn't care much that they only came in fourth. Once the contest was over one of the shirriffs asked to dance with Diamond and Pippin took a seat and watched her twirl around. He was glad to get the chance to catch his breath for a moment. It had been a long time since he had danced like this.

He suddenly noticed someone watching the dancing couples, laughing and applauding, and he rose to go over and ask her for a dance. Estella Bolger was not much of a dancer as he recalled, but for some reason it bothered him to see her standing there alone. He bowed most gracefully and asked her to dance with him in such an eloquent way that she could not think of anything else to say but _yes_.

Pippin led her out to the dance area and soon noticed that she was indeed not much of a dancer, but he had fun anyways and he hoped she did too. There was something lonely about her when she just stood by and watched and he wanted to remedy that.

"It's been far too long since you and I have been close enough to talk" he said to her with a smile and continued to dance with her even though the tune turned slower.

"Yes it has" she replied softly and almost looked like she was blushing.

"How have you been?"

"I am always fine, don't you know that?"

"I know that you are just like the hay. You might seem soft and weak but no matter how hard the winds blow you won't break."

Estella blushed.

"I'm not used to being told things like that" she said.

"You will be again."

"I know" she said and smiled again. "It won't be long now until everything is back the way they should be. For me at least. I hope I can say the same for you."

"Oh don't you worry about me" Pippin smiled. "I too bend to the wind and refuse to break. You concerns are sweet but I don't need them."

"Is it hard to be alone still even though he is here?" she asked frankly.

"Look at me" Pippin said. "Don't I look thriving?"

"Yes… But not around him."

Pippin didn't reply. He bit his lower lip and tried to think of something else to say. When the tune was over he led Estella back to where he had brought her from and danced with Diamond again. She nuzzled her head against his neck and caressed his cheek gently with the hand that had the bracelet.

"Don't you start pouting now, Peregrin Took" she whispered. "I am in a great mood tonight and I intend on staying that way."

"Who's pouting?" Pippin asked and smiled at her.

She gave him a kiss on the neck and he sighed contently. He had been wrong before. Merry was not the only one who never thought he was stupid. Diamond never had either. And she never would.


	29. If I Can't Love Her

**The Shire, July of 1438**

"It's been more than a year now, Cousin Merry" Berilac said as the two of them walked through the orchard at Brandy Hall. "I know we talked about postponing but now you have to set a date soon. You had a whole year; we cannot give you much longer."

Merry nodded but didn't know what to say. They were talking about Estella and Merry's engagement, an issue which a lot of Hobbits had been starting to gossip about lately. They had all expected the couple to be married no later than a year after Merry's return, but that date had come and gone and there was not even an announcement yet of **when** the wedding would be. Something was queer about it all the Hobbits felt, and Berilac could see that they would have to make a decision soon.

Merry knew he was right. He had learned enough about his own people in the year that had passed to know that it was not wise to do unexpected or abnormal things, especially not if you had already come back from the dead – twice. But the idea of marrying Estella was difficult for him. For all her sweetness and her gentility the only thing he felt for her was a desire not to hurt her more than he had to. He could not imagine himself married to her and he couldn't see how anything good might come of it. She loved him but he didn't feel the same. He was still sure that there was somebody else in his heart, whom he had yet to meet again. A marriage to Estella would put a definite end to the hopes of ever finding her again. Yet Estella had waited for so long and he owed her something. He just wasn't sure he owed her his future.

"Merry…" Berilac said. "What's keeping you? Romantic feelings aside it is a good match with Estella Bolger. Not all marriages are for love, some are for practical reasons. And I can assure you that she will do her best to make your life as comfortable as possible. And she will make a great Mistress of Brandy Hall."

"So I marry her for Buckland then?"

"You marry her for her love for you and your devotion to that."

"My devotion…" Merry mumbled. "Berilac I have been waiting for a year to remember her and pick up where she and I left off. I don't wait for that anymore. I don't need my memories now the way I used to, I remember the past years and that satiates my needs. I am ready to start life over from this point and forget about what I might have said or done in the past. It was difficult getting to this point but now I'm here. I've stopped wondering who I am and where I belong. Now I've got other worries than I had a year ago."

"What worries are they?"

"A year ago I worried that I wouldn't remember her. Now I don't really care much, sure I would love it if my memories came back but it's not essential. Now I'm worried… I'm worried that…" He sighed and tried to put his thoughts into words Berilac might be able to understand. "I wed her, and swear my fidelity and love to her. She and I spend the rest of our lives together. The hope would be that I would remember her but if not then everyone, especially she, is convinced that I will fall in love with her again. I did it once I ought to again."

"And you're worried that you might not?"

"If I can't love her…" Merry said. "Then what kind of life will that be? For me and for her? I don't know that I can marry her knowing that I might never feel anything at all for her, I really don't."

"Why do I get the feeling that there's something more to this equation?" Berilac said. "Something you're not telling me."

Merry didn't answer. He didn't want to say anything to Berilac about the love he suspected he felt for someone else. If he was wrong about it then it would just be unnecessary to say anything to him.

"Don't tell me if you don't want to" Berilac sighed. "But Meriadoc… You need to speak with Estella. Call the wedding off entirely if you must, but what you ought to do is set a date for it instead. She's waited for you. She's been devoted and faithful. You owe her better than to let her be cast aside."

"I seem to owe a lot to everyone" Merry remarked. "Much of it I can't repay. Don't worry; I'll try not to break her heart. I'll set a date with her and try to fall in love."

"You don't have to try, I'm sure you'll succumb to her charms as soon as you spend some time alone with her" Berilac said and gave Merry a pat on the shoulder.

Merry was not so sure. His future happiness was riding on whether or not he would love her. He could not just sit back and wait and see.

**XX  
XX**

Estella came to see him the next day. As always her face lit up when she saw him and it almost hurt him to see how much love there was in her eyes. She did not walk up to him as she normally would, she remained by the door and looked at him, smiling and glowing with emotion that Merry could not return. He didn't know what was wrong with him. She was sweet and mild and she was no doubt attractive. Yet he could not feel anything when he looked at her.

"Come and hold my hand" he said and offered her a smile. "Let us sit down for a moment. We need to talk."

She came over and stuck her hands in his, caressing the back of his hands with her thumbs as she always would. They sat down on two ottomans by the round window and Merry looked down at their joined hands. He tried to imagine them standing at the wedding altar, holding hands like this, promising to be true and faithful to one another until death came between them. Only death had already come between them, long before they would ever stand to be married.

"You have been so very patient with me" Merry began.

"Of course" she said mildly.

"No lass could be expected to be even half as patient. You have been amazing, I really mean it."

She smiled wider and took in his praise. He had not said much to praise her since his return; most things he had said had been the kind of things a brother could say to a sister. There was something different about him today and Estella thought it all looked promising.

"Merry mine…" she said. "I waited for so long for you. What's another year? I will continue to wait until you are ready."

"Your waiting days are over" Merry said. "I cannot ask you to wait any longer. I asked you here today to decide with you on what day we should be married."

Estella's face beamed and she leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on the corner of Merry's mouth. The gesture surprised him; he had not expected a move like that from someone as placid as Estella. He had to smile a little. He had not expected her lips to feel so soft and warm.

"Whenever you wish is fine with me, my love" she said. "You just name the date and I will be ready then."

"I feel like I've set the terms for long enough" Merry objected. "After all this time the decision should be yours."

Estella shook her head. If it were up to her they would be married as soon as possible. She was tired of waiting even though she knew he needed time. It was better that he chose a date in whatever month felt appropriate for him.

"You make that decision" she insisted.

"Alright…"

Merry bit his lower lip and thought about it for a moment. He wanted to set the date exactly one year from this day but he couldn't let it show how little he was sure that he wanted the marriage. Then he got an idea and smiled. He reached up his hand and moved a strain of hair from her face to behind her ear.

"On what day did our official courtship begin?" he asked her.

"It was in August" she said. "August 17th. You asked to walk me home from a party and I accepted. The party was at Crickhollow, where you and Peregrin were living at the time, so it was certainly not on your way home to stop by the inn where I was staying with my family over the night! You walked me back and when we reached the inn you stopped and put your arms around my waist and you asked me if perhaps you could walk me home again after the next party we both visited. Then you kissed me, just at the corner of my mouth. And from that day on…"

She blushed and looked down on the hand that was lying in Merry's still. With his other hand Merry reached up and touched the corner of his mouth where she had just kissed him. So that was what that was for.

"August…" he said. "Well that's no good."

"What do you mean?"

"I was going to suggest that we set our wedding date to the anniversary of when we began to court. But August 17th is too near, we won't be able to plan a wedding in time, it's only three weeks!"

Estella nodded but smiled. He didn't know it, but when he had first asked her to marry him he had wanted to set the date to August 17th. She wondered if she should tell him or not but right now it didn't seem important. She was relieved that things were finally getting rolling, she too was aware of how people had begun to talk about her and Merry and she didn't like it. But she had always been to patient to try and rush someone. Now though it seemed at least like Merry was interested in having the wedding within the nearest future.

She looked up at him and suddenly the smile on her face became unsure. There was something about the look in his eyes that made her insecure. He looked dejected and troubled and not so thrilled about their upcoming nuptials. The look on his face did not seem to be connected to the disappointment that the date he had thought of was too close in time; it seemed more connected to the very idea of choosing a date. She began to wonder what was going through his mind.

"You look preoccupied" she said gently.

"Trying to think of another date" he excused himself with a half-hearted chuckle.

"You look preoccupied with something else."

He didn't offer any further explanation. He kept looking into space, just right of her left shoulder, and she wished he would look her in the eyes instead. She tried following his glance to catch his eye and it worked, he shook his head and apologised for being distant.

"Merry dear…" she said and gently put a hand on his knee. "How are you really coping? With your memories and all?"

"I'm fine" Merry assured her. "I don't worry so much about it anymore."

"Then why are you worrying about it now?"

Merry swallowed. Why was it that she seemed to know what he was thinking? He didn't wish to have this conversation with her; he wanted to set a date and get the ball rolling before he drew away and ruined something.

"It's nothing, it's just that…"

"Just that what?" she gently asked.

"I wish I could remember something from our courtship" he blurted out, hoping to buy some time.

Unfortunately that comment led Estella right to what he hadn't wanted to say. He didn't know if it was because he had chosen something that was too close or if she just knew him that well. The smile on her face was gone and she looked sad for the first time when they had been together.

"You wish you could remember me" she said. "Because you don't."

"I can make new memories" Merry quickly said. "**We** can make new memories."

"Do you want this as much as I do?" she had to ask. "I don't want to live my life without you. Do you feel the same way?"

Merry felt inclined to answer that he didn't want to live his life without the Merry she spoke of either, but realised she might take it as an offensive jest. His face softened and he smiled slightly at her. With his left hand he let go of her right and gently stroke her jaw line.

"Estella…" he said. "This is what I want. I want to honour the things that were. And in case I should remember them again I don't want to throw them away."

"What does that mean?" she asked, still with her soft voice even though he could see she was getting more upset by the minute. "Are you wishing to marry me out of pity?"

"No, no! Absolutely not!"

"Perhaps we ought to wait until you can remember me again."

"Estella I feel so guilty" Merry said and rose from his ottoman to pace back and forth in the room. "Look at you! Look at your devotion to me! Through all these years you have remained true to my memory. And I don't even know what I did to deserve that, why I was so worthy of your love."

"It was never the things you did" Estella said. "Not the places you had seen or the titles you carried. Nor the Battle of Bywater, nor that you would be Master of Buckland someday. None of that mattered to me. I saw you just as Merry, this fun loving Hobbit who knew what he wanted and fought for it. Someone who knew wrong from right and stood up for it no matter what it cost him. Someone who laughed with me and played with me and made me feel safe."

Merry looked at her as she spoke and saw something change in her. Her tranquil voice became just a little bit more emphasised, almost passionate. She didn't raise her voice one bit or speak with more force but he heard every word more clearly and he knew that she really meant what she said.

"You told me stories and sang me songs unlike anything I had ever heard before" she continued. "When you were with me you gave me your full attention and it made me feel like I was the only lass in the world. You made me feel selected and special. You had a way of seeing people. You saw me. You saw Peregrin. You saw when others around you needed something and you tried to help them. And no matter how serious something got you could always turn on your heel and take up a song. I could not believe it when I heard the news that you were gone. And I knew that until I met someone else who looked at me in that way which made me feel special I would not get engaged again."

Merry sighed deeply.

"How can I ever live up to that now?"

"It's easy. It's who you are. All you need to do is embrace those things that once made you into that person and you will not be able to be anything else."

"I just can't help but feel like I'm letting you down" Merry said. "Like I've ruined all your chances of having a loving relationship, or at the very least a husband and a family. All I have to offer you in return for years of waiting is but a shell of who I used to be. Outward I'm the same but I don't think I can ever be all of those things that you described."

Estella looked down on her hands and when she spoke again her voice had lost the faint touch it had had before and gone back to being softer than a summer breeze.

"You will never give your whole heart in this, will you?" she said.

"I want to."

"That's not what I asked."

She looked up at him and he walked over and sat down opposite her again. He looked her deeply in the eyes and put his hands on her shoulders.

"I can only offer you what you see before your eyes" he said. "I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know if I can give you back the lover you lost or if I can ever make all those years up to you."

"You have a different life now" she stated and looked away. "I guess you're not even very happy living in the Shire anymore."

Merry wondered how she had known that.

"I do long for Gondor" he admitted. "But here is where I am going to stay."

"You have a whole new life to build for yourself" she said, and he could hear a faint tremble in her voice when she continued. "I would only be in your way. Wouldn't I?"

"I…" Merry didn't know what to say. "Estella… I do wish that you will be happy and have joy in your life. If I can give that to you then that is what I want to do."

"And if you can't? At least not without remembering me?"

"Only you can be the judge of that."

She looked at him again. He wondered how she could remain so composed, so soft and tranquil even through this conversation. If it was difficult for him it must be ten times worse for her.

"I will always be happy with you" she said. "But will you be happy with me?" She took a deep breath. "Is it time to set you free?"

"Perhaps we need to take a pause" Merry said. "Let's not be hasty."

"Forget about trying to protect my feelings for a minute. What do **you** feel, Merry? What do you want to do?"

Merry wanted to tell her the truth about his suspicions but he found he couldn't. She may deserve the truth but she would be devastated if she found out he might not have loved her as much as she thought. He couldn't do that to her.

"It's just difficult Estella" he said. "It's difficult to connect to someone when you can't remember them."

"Your memories again…" she said softly. "You ought to have begun to remember by now. Two years is a long time."

Merry nodded but didn't want to go down that particular road right now.

"Yes one would have thought so."

"There must be a reason why" she said, her voice sounding like a caress. "Your memories don't just stay away for no reason. Your mind is trying to protect you from something, something that would be difficult and painful to remember."

"That is the best analysis I have heard" Merry said with a slight smile and caressed her cheek lightly. "I see why I must have loved you so much."

When he said that tears began to fall down Estella's cheeks. He had never thought she would stay so gentle even when her heart had been broken and tears were in her eyes but even her sobs seemed soft.

"Estella" he said. "Don't cry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"I have loved you for so long" she said trembling. "Idolized you since I was barely come of age. Missed you for twelve long years. After all these years you are still the same you, even though you may not think it. Time has not changed the way I feel about you. A hundred years could not."

"You deserve so much better than this."

"There is nothing better for me" she said and sobbed. "Yet if the only way I can prove to you just how much I love you is… to let you go… then I will."

"Please" Merry said and wished he knew what to say to make her stop crying. "I hope you can understand. I need to take this one step at a time. If what you say is true, and my brain is trying to keep me from remembering something horrible or painful then I need to focus all my energy onto finding out what that is, and dealing with it."

"Perhaps it is best that it remains forgotten" Estella said.

"At the cost of all my other memories?"

"Yes."

"I don't want to be hurting you anymore! I want to get back to who I was when you and I loved one another. If I can get to that point again then everything that's wrong around me will fall back into place."

"Do you believe in that?"

Right now he was willing to believe in anything that would make her stop crying. But she knew better than him at this moment what the real truth was. The truth was that he was not sure of how he felt about her and he wasn't sure that just remembering her from the past would make him love her again.

"Go and do what you have to do" she said and took a deep breath, looking back down on her hands again. "I would rather not marry at all than marry someone other than you. But you mustn't do it for me. There are some things your heart still needs to know and with me beside you then--"

She was interrupted by a knock on the door. Merry flew to his feet and mumbled a curse at whoever had come to bother them at this moment. He opened the door to a chink and saw that it was Berilac.

"What is it? I'm in the middle of something important."

"There's been an accident down by the river and two Hobbits nearly drowned" Berilac told him. "They are alive and well now but your presence could really be used to soothe the crowds."

Merry glanced over at Estella who nodded at him to go. He told Berilac he would be there in a minute, then closed the door and walked up to Estella.

"Please don't make any promises that we will be married soon" she said. "Don't promise anything you can't keep."

"I owe you better than to just leave you behind" he responded.

Then he reached down and gave her a kiss. Not bothering to even try and collect herself she let her tears continue to flow down her cheeks as she saw him leave the room and leave her behind.


	30. Nightmare

**The Shire, August of 1438**

Neither Estella nor Merry told anybody what had been said between them. As far as everyone around them knew they were still engaged to be married, and not even they could say whether or not that was still true. Nothing had been decided between them and Merry was not quite sure if it was he or she who was reluctant to let go. All he knew for sure was that her heart had been broken and he had been the one to do it.

In August Fatty Bolger came and asked him if they couldn't go out for a hike and camp out in the wild. Merry remembered how much he had liked sleeping outdoors when they had been travelling to the Shire and thought it was a great idea. Fatty had planned it out as a group activity with seven other Hobbits going with them, which Merry thought was a great idea as well. However his enthusiasm lessened somewhat when he found out that two of the seven others were Estella and Pippin. But it was too late to back down and he packed his bags to go out like they had said.

Fatty couldn't quite understand why Estella kept walking side by side with him and not with Merry, he had expected them to be together, but he overheard someone else guessing that they didn't want rumours spread that they were acting inappropriately before they were married. Fatty accepted that explanation and didn't ask his sister about it as they walked in the head of the company.

Pippin came not far behind them, chatting with some Hobbit who was apparently a good friend of his. Merry kept in the back, sulking over the fact that both Estella and Pippin were present. When someone noticed his mood he blamed it on having forgotten his pipeweed at home.

The company walked through the woods during most of the day, stopping only once to get something to eat. They would have stopped far more often for that purpose if Pippin hadn't yelled at them to keep walking each time they tried to stop. He was accustomed to walking long distances and not stopping to eat once an hour.

When they finally stopped to make camp they had come out on the other end of the forest and reached a meadow. Pippin and the friend he had been walking with, Moro, quickly gathered some firewood and got a fire going. Three others were sent off to find water and Estella and the other lass who had come along began to search through the packs for the food.

Estella was furious with her brother for dragging her along on this. Without knowing the reason why she had been melancholy he had told her that a hike was exactly what she needed to take her mind off things. When she had found out that Merry was coming too she had told her brother she was not going to follow them, especially since lasses never went out on hikes. Fatty had however managed to find another lass to come along and Estella had run out of arguments and followed them, albeit not willingly.

**XX  
XX**

They ate their meal together with song and laughter and anyone could tell that Pippin was in his right element. He knew his way around the camp life, he had tons of stories to tell and he was the only one except for Merry who didn't seem nervous when the sun set and the night became dark around them.

When all the food had been eaten save for what they had put aside for the walk back home they gathered in front of the fire for some storytelling. Pippin was asked to be the storyteller, he knew of more exciting tales than anyone else. But Pippin had a hard time coming up with a story he could tell around Merry and after he had discarded all of his own adventures and most of his friends' he settled for the tale of Beren and Lúthien. He only knew about half of it but he was good at making up things to fill the blanks. The eight Hobbits around him listened attentively at his every word and Pippin grinned happily. He loved being the centre of this kind of attention and he did his best to make the story as long as possible. By the time he had come to the end all the stars were lit in the sky and it was late in the evening.

The Hobbits were tired from a long day of walking, all save for Pippin who had lots of energy, and they decided to get ready for bed. Merry walked away to fill his canteen with water by the creek they had found. When he came back all the blankets had been laid out and half the Hobbits had crawled in under them. Fatty came up to Merry with a grin and told him he had placed out his pillow and blanket.

"Jolly good" Merry said politely and asked where he would be sleeping.

"Over there" Fatty said and pointed. "I placed you next to Estella."

"What?"

"I know, I know, you're worried that it might seem inappropriate. But you are surrounded by other Hobbits; nobody expects anything to happen that shouldn't. Admit it; I made great arrangements, didn't I?"

Merry wasn't sure why Fatty thought it was such a good arrangement but he couldn't very well disagree so he nodded and went to lie down next to Estella. He didn't know what to say to her but as it turned out he didn't have to worry. She had already gone to sleep.

"Well that solves that for now…" Merry mumbled and crawled under his blanket.

He closed his eyes and listened to all the sounds around him. The fire crackled, he could hear the sounds of an owl flying and of the wind in the trees nearby. There were also the sounds of Hobbits trying to get comfortable, Hobbits mumbling to each other before going to sleep and other Hobbits packing up their things so that they wouldn't be completely spread out. In the distance he could hear Pippin singing as he took a walk to get rid of some of his energy.

One by one the other sounds of the Hobbits quieted down but Pippin's voice could still be heard. After some time he returned to the camp and quietly got under his blankets and went to sleep right away. Merry was about to go to sleep as well. He felt comfortable, as he always did sleeping under the star, breathing the fresh air. The only sounds he could hear now were Estella's breaths next to him. The last thought in his mind before he went to sleep was that now he knew what his future was supposed to be like. Estella was supposed to sleep next to him each night, that had been the arrangement. Now they didn't know what the arrangement was anymore.

**XX  
XX**

Merry stirred in his sleep. Something was not right. He mumbled to himself and began to break a sweat. The Hobbits around him all continued to sleep, unaware of his unsettled state. There was something about the combination of sleeping under the stars and having Estella so near that he could hear her breaths which had trigged a reaction and a dream. He tossed to his right, away from Estella, and when her breaths were no longer so near he opened his eyes and sat up panting.

Pippin lifted up his head from where he was lying. He always slept lightly when he slept outdoors and nobody was keeping watch. Merry's moan as he woke from his dream had woken Pippin up and he observed his cousin as he sat up and looked around. Pippin quietly sat up as well.

"What is it?" he asked in a hushed voice.

Merry heard his voice and jolted his head in that direction. He stared at Pippin looking like he had seen a ghost, then he got out of his covers. Pippin quickly left his spot and came over to Merry before he would wake everybody else up.

"Steady now, you had a bad dream I think!" he whispered.

"Why were we in Gondor?" Merry asked.

"Quiet or you'll wake the others!"

"Why were we in Gondor?" Merry repeated in a whisper. "When I died. When you **thought** I died."

"I don't know" Pippin answered.

"You don't know?" Merry said in a normal tone of voice, shocked by the reply.

Pippin hushed him and looked around to make sure the others were still sleeping. Then he grabbed Merry's coat and placed it around his shoulders. After that he took a piece of firewood and lit it in the fire so that they had a torch. With a firm grip of Merry's arm he led his cousin away from the camp and off where they could talk without worrying about waking the others.

"How could you not know?" Merry asked, sounding desperate rather than angry or surprised. "Please you have to try and remember! It's important, I need to know! I was supposed to be in the Shire preparing for my wedding, what was I doing off in Ithilien instead?"

"I don't know" Pippin repeated and put his hand on Merry's shoulder to calm him. "I don't know because it was you who wanted to go. I just went with you."

"But you must have asked!"

"I'm afraid I didn't" Pippin said truthfully. "If you wanted to go then I thought we could go. Why is this so important to you?"

"I had a dream…"

"I could tell" Pippin remarked.

"No, no it was different! It was…"

He paused and stared off into the distance, as if asking the night to give him answers. Pippin had to turn and see what he was looking at but saw nothing but a tree and a duck waddling by.

"What did we do when we were there?"

"We served as esquires" Pippin said. "Me to Faramir and you to Éowyn. Like we always do in Ithilien."

"No, no, there's something more to it" Merry said. "I was supposed to marry Estella yet I travelled all the way to Ithilien just a short time before the wedding. I was going there to buy time and to find answers, that must be the reason why. I can't think of any other reason why I would go."

"Answers about what?"

"Is there some way that I can find out why we went there?"

"Yes" Pippin said. "You can remember."

Merry sighed deeply but seemed to calm down a bit. Pippin put an arm around his shoulders and wondered exactly what Merry had dreamt. He handed his cousin the torch and grabbed a hold of his arm with his now freed hand to lead Merry back.

"It was a nightmare" he said. "Nothing more than that. Come on; let's get you back into bed."

Merry obediently followed him back to the camp. While they walked he thought of what he had dreamt, although the memories of the dream were fading fast. He thought of what information he had gotten out of Pippin and he wondered what could have been so important that it made him leave his fiancée to go serve humans in a faraway place, no matter how fond he was of them.

"So that's all we did?" he asked, back to his normal self now and less disturbed by the dream. "Served as esquires?"

"Yes" Pippin said, surprised by the question. "Of course there was time for laugh and play as well, but our duties took up most of our time. We served them every day until the day you died, in fact the last time I saw you you had just come from Éowyn's service. Of course then you were gone and couldn't serve anyone, and I was no use to Faramir in the state I was in, so that ended the service for that time."

Pippin quieted since they were approaching the camp. Merry hadn't heard much of the second half of what he had said; he had gotten stuck on something and was slowly piecing it together with what he could still recall from his dream. Suddenly he dropped the torch on the ground, nearly on Pippin's foot.

"Éowyn!" Merry exclaimed.

"What is wrong with you?" Pippin hissed. "Be quiet and try not to singe my feet. Good thing we got back to the camp and that the torch hit a puddle."

But Merry wasn't listening.

"Éowyn… I think I love her Pippin!"

Merry grabbed a hold of his cousin's cape and clung to it like a lifeline, mortified by the feeling that overcame him, the memory he did not know what to do with.

"Merry, you just had a nightmare!" Pippin said.

"It was more than that!"

Merry began to tremble and breathed heavily. Pippin feared he would begin to hyperventilate or that he would wake the others. He shushed his cousin and tried to calm him down.

"I think I love her" Merry said. "I really think I love her. What do I do now?"

"Of course you love her."

"No… I think I'm **in** love with her."

"That's enough out of you for one night" Pippin said but Merry wouldn't settle down so easily.

Merry thought back on what Estella had said. A memory too painful, something which his mind was keeping him from. He had long suspected that he had had feelings for somebody other than Estella. And that someone was Éowyn.

Without knowing how to calm him down Pippin sat down on the ground and forced Merry down with him. His cousin was shivering and shaking, breathing in short gasps and looking like he was faced with more problems than ever before. Pippin had barely heard what he had said and paid no heed to whatever little he had heard. He was convinced that Merry had simply been having a nightmare and now he was panicked about it. It was not so odd, after the War he had often dreamt of things that had happened and woken up frightened; some part of him probably remembered waking up to a memory and not a dream and now confused it with what had in fact been just a nightmare.

Pippin gently shushed his cousin and rocked him back and forth like he had done with his son when he was younger. He grabbed a hold of his own cape and wrapped it over Merry to help warm him up as he seemed to be freezing. He was worried that his cousin was having a seizure, which was quite an exaggeration, and he worried on what effects that might have on him after all that his head had gone through to lose all its memories. Part of him worried that Merry might be falling seriously ill.

He wasn't sure for how long he sat there. Merry calmed down after a while, once the worst thoughts had cleared out from his head, but he began to cry slowly once he realised more and more what he had remembered and what it meant. He was barely aware that Pippin was holding him, but the gentle shushing eventually appeased him.

**XX  
XX**

When the other Hobbits woke up the next morning they found to their surprise that Pippin was already awake. He was sitting a few feet away from the fire, staring into space with his head tilted high. But what was even more surprising was that Merry was curled up with his shoulders and his head in Pippin's lap, sleeping peacefully.

Moro went over to them and gently tapped Pippin on the shoulder, wondering if he was awake or if he had learned to sleep with his eyes open. He asked Pippin if there was something wrong, or if they could get anything for them.

"Breakfast" Pippin said and looked at Moro. "I would like some breakfast."

"And… what about him?" Moro said with an insecure nod at Merry.

"He likes ham in the morning. I know there is some in one of the packs. As for me I can eat anything, I'm starved."

Moro nodded and hurried off to prepare breakfast for them. Pippin waited until the other Hobbits had gotten better things to do than to stare at them, then he gently shook Merry awake. The other Hobbit stirred and blinked, for a second wondering where he was. Then he looked up at Pippin and seemed surprised.

"Hullo" was all he could think of to say.

"Hullo" Pippin replied.

Awkwardly Merry sat up and stretched, a little soar in the back from having slept curled up that way. He sat next to Pippin for a few seconds trying to figure out what was going on and then he looked at his cousin.

"At first I thought it was all a dream. A nightmare. But I wouldn't have woken up with you like this if I only dreamt it all, would I?"

"Probably not" Pippin agreed.

"Here's your ham, Master Merry!" Moro said and handed Merry a plate with freshly fried ham and a large piece of bread.

"Thank you" Merry said and stared at the food in confusion.

Pippin was handed a plate with eggs and some sausages and he began to eat with a good appetite. Merry looked at his breakfast once more and then glanced over at Pippin and decided that since someone had magically figured out what he wanted for breakfast he might as well eat it. With a sting of guilt he wondered if it was Estella, but reason told him she would hardly know what he ate for breakfast.

They ate in silence for a few minutes. Neither of them looked at each other but both felt the others' eyes on them. But soon enough the natural hunger of a Hobbit in the morning, especially one who has slept outdoors, took over and the others were all mainly focused on their own meals. Merry and Pippin were given a touch of privacy in the middle of the crowd of Hobbits.

"The nightmare didn't come back" Merry remarked. Once he had gone back to sleep he had slept hard and without dreams.

"Nightmares never come when somebody keeps watch" Pippin said.

"You kept watch for me?"

Pippin didn't answer. Merry looked at him more closely and saw that the other Hobbit looked tired. He had probably never gone back to sleep, instead he had stayed awake and kept watch over Merry so that his sleep would be undisturbed.

"Thank you" Merry said gently.

"You're welcome" Pippin said.

The two looked at each other and for a brief moment shared a smile.

**XXX  
XXX  
XXX**

Things are slowly starting to near an end... Not too many chapters left now. Hope you'll stay with me to the end!


	31. Three is Company

**The Shire, September of 1438**

Once they got back from the hike Merry couldn't stop thinking about the realisation that had hit him out in the night. The worst part was the he wasn't sure. He knew there was a chance that his mind had taken a riddle that it wanted an answer for, the identity of Merry's other love, and the one answer it had had since he first came back, Éowyn, and put them together. He would never know until he could see her again.

Without wasting any time he rode to the Great Smials to speak to Pippin about it. He said as little as possible, only that he wanted to go back to Gondor right away and that he needed Pippin's help to get a hold of someone who could escort him.

"Why do you need to leave so badly?" Pippin insisted upon knowing before he gave Merry any help.

"Because, I'm going crazy here" Merry cried. "I need to go to Ithilien, the place where I was last seen before I disappeared."

"This wouldn't have anything to do with Éowyn, would it?" Pippin asked.

Merry bit his lip. He knew he had blurted his realisation out to Pippin but he had hoped his cousin hadn't remembered it. He wanted to say as little as possible until he knew for sure what he was feeling.

"Because if it has I think you should wait" Pippin continued. "If you leave you have to wait for an escort to arrive, that means you can't go until December. Which means you won't be there until February, or later if the weather is bad."

"And February is bad?"

"All I'm saying is wait until you can travel during spring. You have no experience travelling in those types of weather conditions and unless it's necessary, which I do admit it's been in the past, I don't think it's a good idea."

"I don't care what you say" Merry snarled. "I'm going to Gondor as soon as I can and that's just that."

"You're going to Gondor?"

Merry and Pippin looked up when Sam stepped into the room and closed the door behind him.

"Sam, where did you come from?" Pippin asked.

"I came here to talk to you, but I'm glad I ended up with both of you" Sam said. "Merry you're travelling to Gondor, did I hear you right?"

"Yes, yes I am."

"Good" Sam said and Merry flashed Pippin a triumphant smile. "You should go to Gondor Merry. And Pippin you are coming too."

"Leave me out of this" Pippin said. "I don't need to see Éowyn right now and I'm quite happy where I am."

"Nobody's going to see Éowyn."

"Is he always like this?" Merry asked Pippin with a wave in Sam's direction.

"Sam what exactly are you on about?" Pippin asked. "Who let you in and what are you doing walking in on one of our conversations? You used to have more respect than that, you know."

"Yes well things are different now, for all of us, aren't they?" Sam said and placed both hands on Pippin's desk. "Which is why I am coming too. All three of us are going to Minas Tirith."

"Why?" Merry and Pippin asked in chorus.

"To do something about all of this" Sam said. "To save what's left to be saved. The Fellowship is falling apart, you two can't see it but I can! Pippin you said it yourself, you're distant from Strider now and you can't reconnect. Look at you both" he said and gestured from Pippin to Merry. "You two can't reconnect either. Your constant bickering and quarrelling, fighting even, is pushing you two further apart with each passing day."

"He started the swordfight" Merry said.

"Legolas and Gimli are taking sides, creating conflict between the two of them" Sam went on, ignoring Merry's comment. "The Fellowship is breaking down. People aren't speaking with one another anymore; walls are being built up between us. We are going to save this Fellowship, so help me!"

"Save it how?" Pippin asked.

"By sitting down together and working our problems out. We cannot win by running away, it has never been our way of handling things and we sure shouldn't start now."

"Sam, please" Pippin said. "Sitting down to talk won't do us any good. People grow apart, it happens."

"Not to us it doesn't" Sam said. "And I will not sit idly by as something that mattered so much to us once slips away from us. I have written Strider and he is going to summon us to a meeting if we don't arrive on our own accord. We travel the day after tomorrow, pack only what you need to and make your preparations quickly. Say very little, only that you have to leave by orders from the king."

"We can't just up and leave like that" Pippin objected. "I have a wife and a child you know; I promised them I wouldn't go anywhere! And then there's the fact that I am the Thain of the Shire."

"You left it all behind before" Sam reminded him. "Me, I'm **having** a child this spring yet that doesn't stop me from going."

"Oh you never stop, do you?" Pippin sighed, wondering how many children Sam had by now.

"Take the rest of the day and tomorrow to sort out all your affairs" Sam said, ignoring Pippin. "Meet me at the gates by the Brandywine the day after tomorrow at six in the morning. What do you have to lose by going?"

"Reputation" Pippin suggested. "Besides, I can't go. I made a promise to Diamond that I would not leave."

"You made a promise to the rulers of Gondor once that you could answer when they summoned you" Sam said. "Consider yourself summoned." He glared at Merry. "And that goes for you too, Holdwine."

"We don't even have an escort, not even an Elf on a mearas could be here by the day after tomorrow" Pippin objected.

"There are three of us; I don't think we will need an escort. Do you have any other arguments that I can kill?"

The three Hobbits looked at each other. Merry and Pippin realised it was no use arguing and agreed to go. Pippin thought he would get there, give them a week and then return. Merry thought that once they were finished in Minas Tirith he could go visit Éowyn and finally have some answers.

**XX  
XX**

Two days later the three Hobbits met up in the misty morning and rode out from the Shire together for the first time since their adventure had begun. None of them spoke much. Pippin was furious because he had to leave his family again, Merry was displeased that he had to travel for so long with these two and Sam realised it was no time to sing and jest. That would come later on their journey.

The days had turned into weeks by the time either of them began to feel cheerful again. Pippin still had little to say and Merry was preoccupied with his thoughts of Éowyn and Estella. Sam was busy with his memories of the first time he had ridden down these paths. The three of them were very quiet as they journeyed from the Shire to Minas Tirith.

After five weeks Pippin came down with a cold, as the weather had been windy and rainy for a few days. Merry gave him some herbal tea and he drank it without a word but it was obvious that they needed to slow down their tempo. Pippin had a fever and was constantly tired, sometimes Sam would have to ride up to him and nudge him to keep him from falling asleep on his horse. When they made camp Pippin forced down the soup Sam cooked for him and the tea Merry made and then curled up under his blankets and went to sleep. Sam and Merry would sit up for at least a couple of more hours and it was the first time they had really talked since Merry's return.

"I didn't even know you were in the Fellowship" Merry said one evening.

"I didn't want to tell you too much" Sam said. "Pippin told me it was better not to. But we were good friends once, you and I."

"Always this talk of friends… Is there nothing more important to you people?" Merry asked and sipped his tea.

"There was a time when there was nothing more important to you either" Sam said, slightly offended. "The greatest adventure of your life came because of your belief in friendship. So don't be so quick to shrug it aside."

"I don't **mind** having friends" Merry said. "But from what I've seen friendship causes more sorrow than joy. And besides, I can live without adventure."

"You'd better let somebody care about you" Sam said. "Like a really good friend does. Before it's too late. You would not have gotten far in life without friendship."

"Perhaps that would have been just as well" Merry mused. "I would not have gotten lost like I did."

"No you would have died for real, and much sooner" Sam said.

Merry didn't know quite what to make of that comment so he kept silent. Sam didn't seem to have exhausted the subject quite yet though.

"Merry I know it's difficult and that the road back can seem eternal sometimes. But right now I am bringing you back to your foundations, to let you partake in what I hope will be the saving of our Fellowship. I hope you will fight with us. We need to work together, all six of us that are left, because that's how we used to do things. Even when we were apart we were working together for a common goal. Three years ago the rest of us could have sat down and worked everything through just the five of us, but now you are here and we cannot do it without you. It has to be all of us."

"What is it that you are so keen on saving?" Merry asked. "If friends grow apart from you and want to walk away why do you wish to keep them?"

"Because some things are worth fighting for" Sam said. "That's the most important thing I ever learned in life. There are things that are too good to just let them decay."

"You will all have to be open and honest with me then" Merry said. "You are all asking me to save this and that, consider this and that, honour this and that yet you will tell me nothing of it. You just hand me something and tell me to cherish it and you won't tell me what it's for or what its value is. I want to know everything. I want to know all of your stories. Why were we a Fellowship to begin with, who are the ones who apparently aren't here anymore and what was our great adventure? Take me on a journey to our past and I will fight for you, I promise I will. But if you don't then you can try your best to save that fellowship and I won't bother about it."

"Fine" Sam said. "I can make that deal with you. But just so you know, I don't think you are hesitating because you don't know what we did together. I think you hesitate because you are afraid. You see the people around you hurt by others and most of all you see Pippin hurt because you can't remember who he is. You don't want to risk being hurt that way. How much love and care do you think you are missing out on by fearing that hurt? See the brilliance of friendship is that even when it hurts the most there is always someone there to help pick up the pieces."

Sam had said what he wanted to say. He left Merry and went over to get some sleep. Merry thought of what he had said and his eyes drifted onto Pippin. Even though Pippin was hurting and felt such hatred towards Merry at times he had always been there when Merry had needed someone to lean on.


	32. Assembling

**Minas Tirith, December of 1438**

On the twentieth of December the Hobbits reached Minas Tirith. They would have arrived nearly a month sooner but Pippin's illness had prolonged their journey. He had recovered by the time they arrived but there had been a few tough weeks when he had coughed non-stop and his nose wouldn't stop running. Luckily neither Sam nor Merry had caught his cold and all three of them were healthy and in good spirits when they arrived.

Merry looked around the white city with awe and realised he had missed it. He had never taken the time to really look at it when he had been there before; it was as if he saw it for the first time. The exquisite buildings, the colours and the history that lingered there. He was really glad to be back even though it delayed his visit with Éowyn.

Merry and Pippin were given the same chambers they had always slept in, and an additional bed had been put in for Sam. Relieved to finally be there and not have to travel anymore all three of them were cheerful and excited; nobody who saw them would think they were there to save friendships that were falling apart. When they were left alone to settle in to their chambers the three of them jokingly bickered over who would get to sleep where and whose responsibility it would be to make sure the fire was put out at night. Sam jokingly grabbed a blanket and flicked it at Merry, who laughed and retorted by tossing his pillow at Sam. Sam reached for the pillow on his bed and hurled it at Merry, who ducked, sending the pillow smack into Pippin's head instead. The three of them laughed hard and Merry had to sit down on his bed to catch his breath.

Pippin picked up the pillow to throw it back to Sam but suddenly he recognised it. It was Merry's old pillow, the one he had always slept on before. Now it had apparently been brought out from some storage room to lend to a guest at the citadel. Pippin was shocked to see it, and it reminded him why they had come to Minas Tirith. He put the pillow down on his bed and excused himself quickly, saying that he was going to go find out when dinner would be served.

Merry didn't seem to notice any change in Pippin's mood, he kept laughing and joking with Sam while he reached up his right foot to rub a toe that had gotten a blister. Sam however saw clearly that something had upset Pippin, and he sat down with a frown, wondering what it could have been. He was sad that the short moment of old times had ended so abruptly.

"I am so hungry I could eat a horse!" Merry declared with a grin on his face, in spite of the blister. "Of course, the people of Rohan would probably have my head for such a comment. If any of them asks I never said it. Perhaps I'll settle for eating a cow, how does that sound to you Sam?"

"As long as you're willing to share it with me…" Sam said, shaking his low feelings and was glad that at least Merry was in good spirits. "I hope there's dinner on the table real soon. If there's one thing that brings out an appetite worse than travelling it is arriving. And if I remember correctly the cooking is excellent here."

"They make this excellent rice thing" Merry said. "They mix it with something or other… I'm going to have to ask for the recipe for that."

"I remember the bread they baked…" Sam said and leaned back on his bead, his mouth watering. "Hot, freshly baked bread filled with sunflower seeds…"

"And the wine they serve" Merry continued their lines of thought. "They are good at the wine; they always know what kind to serve to what food."

"I'd settle for a nice mug of Minas Tirith ale" Sam said. "And a large steak to go with it… and some taters…"

"I can barely hear you, my stomach is growling so loudly" Merry said and leaned back on his bed with his hands behind his head. "Do you think they will have a big dinner or an informal one? I need a bath before I can show my face at a formal dinner and I'll starve to death if I have to bathe first!"

"I bet informal" Sam said. "Strider knows we'll be wanting food, food and food before anything else."

"Perhaps a bit of pipeweed" Merry said. "I could have a smoke before I eat. But nothing else."

They continued to lie there and speak about food for a while, working up their appetites until they could barely stand it. They took turns in naming their favourite foods until everything edible they could think of had been mentioned. Then they began to wonder what had happened to Pippin, he had been away for some time.

Just as they were about to go look for him the door opened and a freshly bathed Pippin entered clad in Gondorian clothes, and told them they were summoned to dinner. Sam got up from his bed and eyed Pippin up and down.

"Don't tell me it's anything formal! Why are you dressed like that? And when did you have the time to get a bath?"

"They told me dinner was at least half an hour away" Pippin said and shrugged a shoulder. "I asked for a bath and some clothes to wear. I feel more comfortable wearing Gondorian clothes when I'm here. Now hurry up you two, I am so starved I could eat a whole oliphant all on my own!"

**XX  
XX**

The Hobbits were given a few days to themselves as neither Legolas nor Gimli had arrived yet. Legolas had ridden over to the Glittering Caves when word reached him that the Hobbits would be late and together Legolas and Gimli rode to Minas Tirith. They were set to arrive a few days after the Hobbits and until then the three Halflings were free to do whatever they chose to. It was only a matter of a couple of days but those days seemed longer than weeks to all of them.

Sam felt lonely. It was apparent that Merry and Pippin had their old routines which they quickly fell into and Sam was left alone. Pippin disappeared early each morning to serve as a guard or an esquire and Merry spent most of his time at the Houses of Healing. There was not much for Sam to do but get reacquainted with the city and that only took him two days. Being back in Minas Tirith he found he missed Frodo and he was once again painfully reminded that things were never going to be the same as they had been when they were all together.

Neither of them saw much of Aragorn. He preferred to stay away until they were all gathered, and he was working hard to make sure that he could take a few days to spend just with the Fellowship without having to tend to matters of the kingdom. Faramir had offered to come in and take over Aragorn's workload for a few days but Aragorn had declined. He knew that if Faramir came then Éowyn would no doubt want to be there as well and the last thing they needed was such a distraction.

Queen Arwen observed what went on around her and felt the differences almost as clearly as the members of the Fellowship did. The only time all four of them were gathered was at supper, and even then there was little communication and little evidence of the bonds that tied them together.

"The Fellowship is shattered" she noted to Aragorn.

"We can fight it" Aragorn replied.

"If it is meant to be that way" Arwen said.

Aragorn was not sure what she meant. Was the Fellowship meant to find their way back to where they had been or was it all a lost cause? Aragorn himself had to admit that he had his doubts. He had lost the ability to reach Pippin a long time ago, and Merry was just as hard to reach now, harder than when he had been gone. Sam was the only one of the Hobbits Aragorn felt he had a strong bond with still, but they had not seen each other since the end of the War and there were a lot of adjustments to be made. Sometimes Aragorn couldn't help but wonder if perhaps the Fellowship of the Ring had played out its function a long time ago.

On the eve of December 24th Legolas and Gimli arrived. The Hobbits came to greet them but Sam had to stop and just look on for a while. It was clearer to him than ever how much things had changed when he saw Legolas and Gimli greeted by Merry and Pippin. What Pippin had said was true, the Elf and the Dwarf had divided their affections for the two Hobbits and seemed to have little emotion left for the one they favoured less. Gimli gave Pippin a large hug and an affectionate rustle of the curls while Legolas knelt down to greet Merry with gentle words and a warm smile. Gimli and Merry only nodded politely to one another, as did Legolas and Pippin. The two pairs which had once worked so nicely as a unit had now been divided.

Sam had not seen Legolas or Gimli since they had come with Pippin to give word of Merry's passing and both of them greeted him with affection. Sam had missed them and he was glad to see them again.

"Long time no see, Master Samwise" Legolas said. "I am glad we meet again under happier circumstances."

"I hope you're right" Sam mumbled under his breath.

Aragorn watched the five of them from a window in the citadel and wondered what would happen between them all. But this evening he was optimistic. Legolas and Gimli had arrived on December 24th. It seemed like fate.

**XXX  
XXX  
XXX**

I know this chapter is short... but the next chapter should be up tomorrow and it's longer.


	33. The Breaking of the Fellowship

**Minas Tirith, December 25th of 1438**

The next morning the Fellowship gathered in one of Aragorn's private rooms. It was early, only dawn yet, on December 25th. Aragorn remained standing while the others sat down and observed where they took their seats. Legolas and Gimli sat down together on a sofa. Pippin crawled up in an armchair in a corner. Sam sat down on an ottoman by the fireplace. Merry took a seat on a chair near the door. When they were all seated Aragorn stepped into the middle of the room and slowly turned around while he spoke, so that he could look each of them in the eye.

"My friends" he said. "We have come together here today to reform our bonds and remove all that is hard and hurtful between us. A day may come when all bonds of Fellowship are broken, but I never believed that would happen to us. And it won't. On this day, exactly twenty years ago, we set out from Rivendell together. The Fellowship of the Ring took its first steps and we began to form the bonds that have lasted through war, despair and long miles separating us. My friends, we have sat down here today to secure these bonds to last forever. And we are not leaving this room until we can do so as a unit, as a fellowship. Together."

He sat down in an armchair next to Pippin's and looked at the faces around him. He could see Sam anxiously looking from face to face just as Aragorn was doing, and he hoped that the Hobbit had been right in suggesting this gathering. His eyes went on to Merry, who looked uncomfortable and almost bored. He was the only one who didn't know what they were really there for, and he was in an awkward situation as it had been his disappearance which had brought on the chain reactions that led them to this point. Aragorn looked on to Gimli, who had his stubborn face, but Aragorn knew that he wanted to salvage what could be salvaged just as much as Aragorn and Sam wanted it. What Legolas was thinking was hard to tell. Last of all Aragorn's eyes fell on Pippin and the look on the Hobbit's face surprised him. Pippin looked angry more than anything.

"Are we going to say anything or just sit here?" Merry asked and interrupted Aragorn's thoughts. "I don't know what your protocol is."

"We've never done this before, so neither do we" Aragorn said.

"I say we let Sam speak first" Gimli said. "He is the one who has called us all together. Let him speak his mind."

All eyes fell on Sam.

"I… just think that we all need to talk to each other again" Sam said, not sure what to say all of a sudden. "I think Strider said pretty much everything I had in mind."

"Be more specific, laddie" Gimli said. "Tell us what you are upset about, who you are upset with and let's begin to work in that end. Then we can let the turn pass to the next person and let them talk about what bothers them."

Sam rose from his chair and stepped into the middle of the room. He took a good look at all of his friends and wondered what he wanted to say to them all.

"I'm disappointed" he finally said. "In all of you. Throughout this whole thing I have stood half a step outside of the circle, I have not interacted much with either of you, just watched from the sidelines as things have started to fall apart. The problems are not with me. They are with you. All of you. My friendships with you all are intact, even Merry and I are about as friendly as anyone could expect. But it makes me angry to see how you all treat one another. There is too much bickering, too much whining and complaining and everyone seems to turn his back one everyone else." He turned and glared at Pippin. "I am sick and tired of arguments, stubborn necks and sword fights."

"Sword fights?" Aragorn, Gimli and Legolas cried simultaneously.

"What?" Pippin asked with a shrugged shoulder. "It wasn't a real fight."

"I think you all owe it to the four of us who stand outside of this problem to work it out" Sam said and sat back down.

"Why is it that **we** have a problem but **you** are not part of it?" Pippin asked with a grumpy look on his face.

"Because this whole thing started in Ithilien thirteen years ago" Sam said. "Those of you who were involved in Merry's disappearance suffered a hit of some kind and it has haunted you ever since."

"Now wait just a minute!" Merry cried. "This is all **my** fault?"

"Calm down" Aragorn said. "Nobody is blaming anybody. Sam do you have anything more you would like to say about this?"

"Not at the moment, no."

"Alright then. Who wants to go next?"

Nobody made a move. Merry gave a snort from his chair. He didn't like this one little bit, it was boring and the only thing that seemed to have been said so far was that they all had a friendship they wanted to save and it had been ruined because of Merry.

"Let me save you all a whole lot of time" he said. "What bothers you all is me. I can't remember anything and that creates problems for you. Why do I even need to be here? Why do any of you need to gather for this? What you need to do is to face the facts and stop blaming me for your problems. How can it affect your friendship Legolas and Gimli, if I can't remember you? What difference does that make?"

"You haven't understood any of it, have you?" Gimli said. "It's not about your return or the memories you have lost. This all started when you were thought to be dead."

"So you choose to blame me for all of this? What could I have done? No I don't believe you Gimli. Something else is wrong and you are just pinning it on me because it is easier than trying to find the real problem. From what I hear I was not the first member of the Fellowship to die. I'm not even the first to come back from the dead! Why would it affect everyone so much when it happened to me?"

"When you lose someone at war it is somehow easier to bear" Aragorn said. "You have to cast your grief aside and focus on those who are still alive, and focus on winning the war. The deaths of Gandalf and Boromir were sacrifices for a greater cause; they both died defending their friends and trying to save our quest. You were lost to us at times of peace, when we had not expected anybody to die. It came so unexpected. And we had nothing else to focus on, nothing but lots of time on our hands to feel guilty that we couldn't help you."

"We cared a great deal about you, laddie" Gimli said. "We still do."

"It's not that the loss of you per se wounded us worse than Gandalf or Boromir" Aragorn said. "But after the War we all expected to settle down and live long and happy lives. Suddenly without warning you go missing and all evidence points to that you have been slain by orcs. Orcs. After all you survived during the War. It took us completely by surprise and it was not easy to know how to deal with it."

"But that shouldn't affect your friendships" Merry insisted. "I wasn't that important. I refuse to be made an excuse."

"All it took was for one of us to lose his footing" Legolas said calmly. "It created an uncertainty. I am an Elf and I don't handle grief well, I had to distance myself. The two that were left to care for the third didn't know where to turn."

"It can seem like something so small at first" Sam said. "Just a little element that is different from before. But then it spreads, like ripples on water, and before you know it things have gotten out of control."

"When you are used to grieving through times of war, where you have to keep going and you know that, then it is hard to grief in times of peace when you have enough time on your hands to let the grief consume you" Aragorn said. "During war people die, it happens, but what happened to you made us all feel guilty, like we owned a part in it."

Legolas glanced over at Pippin who had not moved a muscle since they ventured into this topic. A dark look came over the Elf's face.

"Pippin is the only one who hasn't said a word about this yet" he remarked. "He who should have more to say than anyone else."

Pippin didn't acknowledge him with as much as a look. He was angry now, the tables had turned from Merry feeling accused to Pippin having that feeling. The underlining meaning in Legolas' words seemed to have been that when Pippin fell apart the rest of them did as well. But he agreed with Merry on this one. Neither he nor Merry were important enough to have such an effect on the others.

"Do you have anything to say Pippin?" Gimli asked.

Pippin didn't reply or make a move. He felt he had nothing to say to them. They would not understand anyway. Things had gone too far for that now.

"You should have something to say" Sam insisted. "After all, no one was affected more than you when it happened."

"Well Pippin and I don't speak very much" Merry said.

"That makes me so furious" Sam said. "I have said it before and I will say it again. Until the two of you can figure things out then the rest of us can't reform our Fellowship. We can't have such a huge abyss where you once could barely tell that there were two rather than one. You owe it to us all to try and work something out."

"Why is it our job to save your friendships?" Merry snarled. "Leave that to us, it's none of your business."

"But we have always been a unit" Gimli said. "There can be no unit when two people insist on pulling in separate directions. Honestly it has nothing to do with how close you used to be. It wouldn't make any difference if it were Sam and I who didn't get along anymore; the result would be the same. We must all be friends or else none of us can be."

"There is no friendship between Pippin and I" Merry said stubbornly. "Judging by what he's said to me there never really was. Tell them what you said to me Pippin. What you said about me being a liar."

The others glared at Pippin but he ignored them so they turned their attention back to Merry. Although Merry was upset there was something almost triumphant about the look on his face.

"Won't you tell them Pippin?" he asked. "Won't you tell them what you accused me of? You said that you couldn't trust anything I had once said. I promised you once that if I forgot everything else I would never forget you, and since I did you think I have been dishonest with you all our lives. That is the truth, isn't it?"

"Well that explains a lot…" Aragorn mumbled.

Legolas looked over at Pippin.

"Why won't you speak?" he asked. "Perhaps it has not been Merry who has been dishonest lying about remembering you. Perhaps the real truth is that you never really missed Merry when he was gone. That would explain why you have nothing to say to us now."

Pippin turned his head away and tears filled his eyes. The comment had been said to provoke but it had hit home and hit good. Pippin's lower lip trembled and he bit it hard to make it stop. The others watched him, waiting for a response.

"I didn't even get to say goodbye" Pippin said with a shivering voice, tears starting to fall down his cheeks. "I was never going to get see him again… and I didn't even get to say goodbye."

"At least he's talking" Gimli mumbled to Legolas.

"Do not say that I never missed him… I've spent a decade in tears, and allthe crying that I've done is over the loss of him."

"I didn't mean to make you cry" Merry said, not knowing what else to say. "I hate feeling like I did bad things to all of you deliberately."

"Nobody thinks that" Aragorn said.

Gimli shushed them and nodded towards Pippin who had finally gotten to talking. The Dwarf was afraid that if they interrupted him he might go quiet again.

"I am so sorry" Pippin sobbed. "I never meant for my pain to hurt any of you. And I'm sorry that I'm hurting all of you now. Please just don't say that I never cared because I cared so very much. I completely lost my balance, and I struggled for years to find that inner balance which I lost when Merry went away." Then his face hardened and the tears stopped falling. "But I got through it. And I am not going back. I won't give up all those things I had to fight so hard to achieve for a friend who returned but pushed me away."

"When he came back you were more than willing to give it all up and go back to where you had been" Aragorn gently reminded him. "If I live for a thousand years more I shall never forget the look on your face when you came to the Houses of Healing, having heard that Merry was alive."

"Yes but I was taken from my dreams quite quickly" Pippin said. "I thought everything would still be the same. But nothing was."

"So you turned your back on it all" Legolas said.

"Tell me how to win your friendship back Pippin" Merry suddenly said. "I haven't got a clue how to do it, you have to help me."

"No" Pippin said and suddenly jumped to his feet, walking in to the middle of the room. "Enough is enough. How can I make you people understand? I am through being part of Merry and Pippin, I hate it! I want it to end and it has to end now!"

The others stared at him and for a moment wondered if he was serious or not. But the tears that had begun to fall down his cheeks again seemed real enough and so did the fury and the desperation in his eyes.

"I am sick and tired of people only judging me in context with Merry" Pippin cried. "The only worth people have ever given me has been through him! As if I'm not worth a thing without him. Everyone back in the Shire treated me like I had no right to enjoy my life anymore when I was on my own and I had to work long and hard to get back the respect I used to have. Everybody here kept looking at me through eyes that had seen two Hobbits in the past and now didn't accept that there was only one. And as for all of you sitting in here… I could never do right by any of you. You have sat here today accusing me of being the reason why things fell apart, because I was too preoccupied in my grief to mind anyone else. Yet when I try to distance myself from it all you judge me and accuse me of having no sentiment or whatnot. In your eyes I am worth nothing without Merry but that is not true. I am worth so much more than you have ever seen; all you've ever seen is a clumsy, scatterbrained Hobbit who used to follow Merry around wherever he went. But my life is mine and mine alone, Merry and I might have been close at one point but he certainly wasn't the only thing that justified my worth. My life is happening right now, not in the past, and I cannot look back any longer. It is not fair for you to ask that I should cast aside my own life and go back to the past. I am not the same Hobbit who grieved Merry so when he left me. I have spent so much energy building a new life, I have my Diamond and I have my Faramir and I will be damned if I let my old lifestyle be more important to me than they are."

"All we are saying is you have to be able to combine the two" Sam tried to intervene, but Pippin silenced him with a look.

"I have done just fine without him and I shall continue to do so. That is the road I have chosen and I am going to follow it to the end. For once in my life I have created happiness that is all my own, and I have found a self-worth completely independent from Merry. I will not go back, I can't! As my friends you should not ask that of me. What does it matter to Merry, he can't remember me! I agree with him though, you have your own problems and you are letting us be your excuse. That is cowardly and I will not permit it. I want to feel that I am really living, making the most of my days, regardless of him. And I want to know that I was enough on my own, that I wasn't only half good in the eyes of others, even my friends." He looked over at Merry. "You never understood anything during these years you have been back. One of us was left behind that day you rode out without returning. One of us was discarded as superfluous. Do any of you have the slightest idea how horrible it is to realise that other people see you that way? That once you took away your closest friend you ceased to have any real worth? When Merry then came back without remembering me it was as if I had been walking on wet sand my whole life and a wave came in and wiped out the tracks behind me. The only tracks left were the ones that had been there since he disappeared and I am going to hold on to those no matter what."

"Easy Pippin" Gimli said to try and soothe him but Aragorn shook his head and urged Pippin to continue and let it all out.

"When Merry died I still had the will to live the rest of my life. If there is something that you haven't been able to forgive me for then that must be it. It didn't make any sense to you how Pippin could cast his sorrows aside after only two years and start to **smile** again and be **happy** again. And you judged me. But I have the right to be happy and I have the right to be the person that I am, the person I have always been, even without my cousin. My life belongs to me and me alone. I don't want to throw away any more years trying to be who you want me to be. I want to feel that I've lived my life and that I lived it for my own sake."

Having nothing more to add Pippin stormed past Merry's chair by the door and left the room. Merry took a deep breath and looked at the people around him. They all seemed affected by what Pippin had said and Merry felt he understood what Pippin had spoken of. Since his return he had been told over and over again that his friends had been so important to him and that he needed to respect that. He had been defined through his former friendships since the first day he woke up at the Houses of Healing. He had dealt with it for nearly three years but Pippin had carried that burden for over ten.

"Well I guess that concludes this" Aragorn said with a deep sigh.

"We tried" Gimli said. "There's nothing more we can do."

Sam began to cry from exhaustion and disappointment. Merry felt numb inside and wished he could be anywhere in the world but here. He had often listened to Pippin's bellyaching about his feelings since Merry returned but this had made sense to him unlike most other things Pippin had said.

**XX  
XX**

Pippin had lost all concept of time. He didn't know for how long he had been with the Fellowship and he had no idea how long he had been out in the gardens. It was cold but he didn't feel it, he was too emotionally exhausted from finally having spoken everything that was on his mind. If the others couldn't understand then he didn't care anymore. He had left a message with one of the guards that he would be leaving in the morning. He was ready to leave them all behind.

"Peregrin."

Pippin turned around and made no secret of how surprised he was that it was Legolas out of all people who had come to find him first. Probably to tell him how foolish he thought he was. It had been a long time since Pippin and Legolas had understood one another.

"I want to apologise" the Elf said.

"For what?" Pippin asked, not really caring anymore.

"Pippin…" Legolas said and walked over to him, kneeling to get in the same level. "You are my brother. Don't you know that? Have you not always known?"

"I used to think so."

"You were wrong earlier" Legolas said. "When you said we never assigned you any worth other than what being friends with Merry gave you. Pippin you are worth the world to us, with or without Merry. You've certainly proven your uses in the past, long before Merry disappeared, when you were in Minas Tirith during the War. There was never any doubt in our minds that you were capable of great and amazing things. What always worried me was that you would forget that when Merry died. Instead you thought we did."

The Elf took a gentle hold of the Hobbit's shoulders and pulled him closer. Pippin wrapped his arms around Legolas and found himself struggling with tears. He thought he had cried enough for one day but now it didn't seem that way.

"I pray that you can forgive me" the Elf continued. "After Merry died I drifted back to my memories of him and you were always present in those memories. So that was how I saw you, so vividly. You were happy in those memories, always so cheerful. But when I saw you before me you were so terribly sad and you reminded me of what grief really is. Us Elves do not cope very well with grief so I fled back to my memories. I was wrong to do so, I was wrong to only remember you with Merry. Though when I see you in my memories now I see the strong Hobbit that came out on the other side of the tragedy."

"You have been so harsh with me" Pippin whispered.

"I'm sorry. I cannot deny that I might have taken Merry more to my heart than I did you… But I always loved you as well. Do you remember when we were still nine in the Fellowship? Do you recall how Aragorn took Frodo and Sam under his wing and gave them extra protection while Boromir did the same for you and Pippin? After Boromir died it fell natural for Gimli and I to continue where the humans had left off. Frodo and Sam were too far from us and Boromir was gone, the most natural thing was for Gimli and me to take on the roles of protectors of you and Merry. Merry was more like me while you were more like Gimli, it was the most natural thing that I ended up keeping an extra eye on Merry and Gimli keeping an extra eye on you. When you keep an extra eye on someone that way you end up feeling closer to them. But Pippin I never thought Merry's life was worth more than yours, or that you were only worth anything for being Merry's dearest friend. You were my brother just the same as he was."

"I've missed you Legolas" Pippin suddenly said.

"Do not carry any more feelings of harm" Legolas said and gently placed a hand on Pippin's back. "None of us want you to give up what you have accomplished during the years he was gone. We have all been so proud of you for coming out so strong. We just don't want you to throw away so many years of your life for no use. Even if Merry can't remember how close you were, and even if he never felt the bond as strongly as you did, remember Peregrin that **you** loved him dearly and that **you** held that bond for special. Don't deny the Hobbit you used to be. That is all we ask. Prove to him and to yourself that you haven't forgotten the things that were and make him your friend again. The only alternative to giving up your new life is not to disown your old one. Let him in to your new life and accept the things that are different."

"I think you're right" Pippin said.

"When has an Elf ever been wrong?" Legolas joked.

"I love you Legolas" Pippin said. "I'm sorry if I have forgotten that. The truth is I don't want to leave you all behind."

"I think we left you behind" Legolas said. "We had no idea how to reach you when you were that miserable. The only one who would have always known how to reach you was the one person missing. And we failed you. Friends remain by each other's side until the pain goes away, even if all they have to offer is there mere presence."

"No you didn't fail me" Pippin said. "Not so long as you still cared for me."

"We are brothers to each other" Legolas assured him. "For as long as we live and longer still."

**XX  
XX**

After everything that had happened Merry felt oddly at peace. He stood out on a small balcony overlooking the Houses of Healing and the gardens as the sun slowly began to set. The days were short in December but this one had seemed very long. Hopefully it was ending now, and hopefully the others would take care of their own problems from now on without dragging him into the picture.

"Do you think you came out on top laddie?" Gimli asked him.

Merry turned and looked at the Dwarf. He hadn't heard him coming. Merry wondered what he might want and wished he would go away. But Gimli stepped up to him and looked out over the city together with him.

"Maybe you think it all ends now" he said. "That you won't have to worry about us anymore. But the truth is it never ends and you never get free from your part in it all. Memories or no memories."

"Gimli I need no one to stand by me" Merry said cheekily. "I can be my one companion. Pippin is not the only one who has tired of always being measured against another person. The truth is that every word he said was true for both him and me, I am worth nothing to you without him."

"No the truth is he was wrong" Gimli said. "You came to be the people you were and still to some degree are because of one another. You feel it. I can see it in your eyes when you are near him. You cannot deny that Merry. That bond awoke again and when it did you were powerless to stop it."

"I think you're wrong. I'm in control of myself; I'm free to be who I want to be. There is nothing holding me back except expectations from others. I think once we are finally freed of each others' shadows Pippin and I can begin to achieve some great things."

"Try as you may you will never achieve anything that tops what you did during the War" Gimli said. "Truth be told Peregrin wasn't with you when you wrote your name into the history books. But if you deny the people you loved then all the noble acts of your past become meaningless. You can be the biggest hero there ever was or the greatest person who ever lived but if you have no friends then nothing is worth it."

"Listen it is not my fault that Pippin and I aren't friends!"

"You think that it's just him who needs to do the work" Gimli said matter-of-factly. "You think that you are exactly where you need to be for things to work out, and he just needs to reach out his hand to you. But it takes more than one to make something work and you are failing miserably. Let me tell you one thing… Nothing in this world that is worth having comes easy."

From the balcony they could see Pippin and Legolas leaving the gardens. Pippin was chattering about something and appeared to be in a good mood. Legolas' hand was on the Hobbit's shoulder and he listened to every word with a gentle smile on his face. Merry leaned over the railing to see better.

"I don't understand" he said. "After everything that has been said and done how can the two of them come walking together like they were friends again and nothing bad had ever happened?"

"Do you finally see what we are fighting so hard to save?" Gimli asked.

Merry began to cry. He couldn't quite explain why but the sight of Legolas and Pippin had made him despair. Gimli pulled him closer and let him cry into his beard.

"Don't hold anything back young rascal" he said. "I told Pippin this once and I am telling you now… Strength is not to keep your feelings locked up inside of you. And above all Merry strength is acknowledging that you need others."

"It's too hard" Merry whimpered. "I have tried and tried and tried and tried… I can't be one of you without my memories. I will always be standing with one foot outside the circle. It hurts to know deep inside that you need a group of people when you cannot be a part of that group for real."

"The only thing standing in-between you and being a full member of our group is yourself" Gimli said. "That's what you keep failing to understand. We love you regardless of whether or not you know who we are. We love you no matter where you were all those years and no matter what you did. There's nothing you can say or do that can change that. You are keeping your wall up against us and you are afraid to let us in, but if you just give us a chance--"

"I've tried that!" Merry cried. "I've tried that with Pippin. He of all people should accept me. But he can't."

"Why have you given up? Show him that you don't accept his cold shoulder. Be there for him even if he can't be there for you."

"He has been there for me" Merry had to admit. "Whenever I have really needed someone… But he can't be a part of my everyday life."

"Stay by his side" Gimli insisted. "Prove to him that you want his friendship. Stand by him no matter what and he will not be able to deny you for very long. Talk to him about ordinary things, talk to him about whatever comes to mind. Share troubles that are none of his concern with him. Be his friend. You'll see that before long he will be there beside you. Perhaps the two of you haven't come to realise that your friendship is not something that cripples you it's something that strengthens you. You can need each other and still live complete lives and be worth the world all on your own. Trust me Merry, learning to be alone is not difficult, but learning to need others and accept it is truly hard sometimes. And in the end, if you cannot be good friends, the rest of us will still care for you both."

Merry nodded slowly and felt a little better. Gimli was right. They were his friends. He had tried very hard to drive them away ever since his return but they were still there. And they would be there for as long as he lived.

**XXX  
XXX  
XXX**

The next chapter will probably be a while... that's what happens during summer! There are only a few more chapters to go now, hope you stay with me until the end.


	34. Crossroads

**Gondor, January of 1439**

The first day of the new year Sam began his journey back to the Shire, accompanied by Legolas and Gimli. After the long day a week earlier when they had struggled to save their fellowship things had been uneventful. It was as if something was hanging in the air, as if they were all waiting for something to happen. Merry and Pippin both walked on eggshells around one another, and the others were afraid to say anything that might ignite any flames. Sam had however decided that he was not willing to wait around and see if two people he cared so much about were going to jump at each other's throats and he announced his decision to return to the Shire.

Pippin had taken for granted that he and Merry would go with him but Merry had declared that he was going to go to Ithilien and visit Éowyn. He was firmly set on it and nothing could change his mind. After many discussions Pippin had chosen to stay in Gondor and go with Merry. Somehow it felt important to him to visit Ithilien together with Merry, for a whole decade he had had dreams of the two of them together again in Ithilien as if Merry had never gone and now he had his chance of experiencing the closest thing he would ever get.

The night before they were set to leave Merry and Pippin went back to their chambers early to get a good night's sleep before their journey. January was not the best month for travelling and they wanted to make the journey as quick as they could, which would require rest first. But neither of them felt very tired and Pippin lit a fire and began poking around with a log while Merry crawled up on his bed, lost in his own thoughts. Pippin glanced at his cousin and knew that there was something more going on than Merry was letting him in on. For some reason this trip to Ithilien was very important to Merry, and since he had never cared about going there in the past Pippin couldn't help but wonder.

"You know…" he said and turned one of the burning logs around. "Because of me going with you Aragorn won't be sending a soldier to protect you. You won't have to travel with a stranger and you can take your time in Ithilien without thinking about the soldier who ought to get to return to Minas Tirith as soon as possible."

"Yes?" Merry said, pulled from his thoughts. "And what are you getting at?"

"The fact that you should be thankful that I'm coming with you. You know that I could have returned to the Shire with Sam and been with my wife and son? It's quite a favour I'm doing you here."

"I'm getting the feeling you want something in return."

"Just one thing" Pippin said and shrugged his shoulder. "I want to know why I'm going to Ithilien. There is some reason why you feel the need to go there and I think you owe it to me to share what that reason is."

"I haven't seen Éowyn in a while, that's all" Merry mumbled.

"You know I can tell when you're lying" Pippin said. "And there's that name again… What is it about Éowyn Merry? There's something more than just that you remember her… Tell me what it is Merry. You can trust me with your secret."

Merry was about to tell him to mind his own business when he remembered what Gimli had said to him. If he reached out to Pippin then perhaps Pippin would come to him. And when he thought about it, wasn't this an offer of part friendship from Pippin? Friends shared each other's burdens after all and he had to admit that it would be nice to share this with someone.

"Do you remember that night we were out camping with Fatty?" he asked.

"Vividly."

"That night I remembered what happened the last time I saw Éowyn before I left Ithilien. Well, that's not exactly true, but I remember what happened the days prior to that. I remember what I was feeling… and I realised why I have been trying so hard not to remember it. Still there is something I'm not allowing myself to recall and that terrifies me because I cannot imagine what would be worse than this!"

"You're making me nervous" Pippin said and chuckled slightly. He turned his attention away from the logs. "So what was it?"

"Pippin I went to Ithilien that time because I had to see Éowyn before I was married. Because I loved her. And I don't mean the way you love a sister or a dear friend, I mean I loved her the way everyone assumed I loved Estella."

Pippin shook his head. He had heard this before but not paid any attention to it. It was too unbelievable.

"Merry I just don't think that's possible" he said. "You and Éowyn were always close, but infatuation?"

"I know" Merry said. "It was a disaster. What could I possibly hope to gain from loving her? She was married, she still is. And I know she loves her husband. He is a great man. But even if she was a maiden she is still a princess, a **human** princess, and I am merely a Hobbit. I never thought I had any chance of a future with her. But I had to see her nonetheless… and I have to see her now too. It may seem like a rash decision but I have thought it over carefully. I have to find a way to put an end to my feelings and I only know of one way to do that. I must tell her how I feel and hear from her own lips that she doesn't feel the same way. Only then can I put those daydreams out of my head where she says she loves me too. I can't have closure until I have a rejection."

"Merry are you really sure that is such a smart idea?" Pippin said softly. "You will risk losing her for good. Your friendship might never recover from such a thing. Do you really want to damage something you have both cherished to the degree that when you forgot everything else you could not forget that? I would hate to see you doing that to yourself and to her. Be careful."

"I cannot be her friend anymore knowing that I feel this way and that I felt this way all those years ago" Merry insisted. "She and I have to talk. That's just the way it is Pippin, I have to do this."

"Just think twice before you talk to her" Pippin said. "Don't do or say anything out of a spur of the moment. Make sure that you are sure."

"I am already sure" Merry said.

Pippin nodded but didn't seem convinced. He turned his attention back to the fire and hoped his old friend was not about to make the biggest mistake of his life.

**XX  
XX**

The following evening Pippin found himself staring into the fire once again, only this time it was an open fire and he was trying to keep warm by sitting as close to it as possible. He and Merry had been forced to make an early stop and they were wrapped tightly in their capes hoping to warm up a bit before they went to sleep. It was a chilly, windy day and not made for being outdoors.

"On days like this you understand why some people prefer to spend their lives cooped up in front of the fireplace" Pippin said through gritted teeth and thought of his maternal grandfather who had spent most of his life by an open fire.

"Oh don't be so namby-pamby" Merry said with a grin. "A little fresh air won't do you any harm even if it's cold."

"I can't help but wonder where this passion for being outdoors comes from" Pippin said with a glare at his cousin. "Because it's something new, I can tell you that. On the other side of the disappearance you never cared much for it."

"I feel at home out in nature" Merry said. "I can't explain why, I just do. Maybe because even though everything else around you may change nature follows the same cycle every year. It's constant in its own way."

"How philosophical" Pippin said dryly.

"Now don't be so grumpy" Merry said and gave him a playful nudge. "I like you better when you're cheerful." He paused for a moment. "You know… something I've been thinking… I've seen you with your family a couple of times. You are always laughing and smiling when you are with them."

"Yes" Pippin said with a slight smile. "I don't know how to do anything but laugh and smile when I'm with Diamond. She is the joy of my life. And I don't want my son to grow up without seeing his father happy every once in a while."

"How come you haven't had any more kids?" Merry asked.

"I don't know" Pippin said and shrugged a shoulder. "It just hasn't happened for us. Some people aren't a match that wayI take it. We have one and that's a blessing. I don't think there will be a sibling for Faramir."

"Does that make you sad?"

"It ought to… but I can't say that it does. I consider myself lucky to have at least one child, given how hard it is for us to have children together we might just as well have ended up with none."

Merry nodded slightly. Pippin glanced at him from the side and a thought came into his head.

"What about you, do you ever see yourself having children?"

"No" Merry said. "I don't know. Maybe." Then he quickly changed the subject. "So you are really happy with Diamond then? You're getting by Pippin; you're not doing as bad as you sometimes think you are."

"I've gotten by for quite some time now" Pippin said. "Or at least I was getting by until you came along." Then he looked down at his feet. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that as an accusation. Not against you at least, it appears to be my own fault if I can't make my life count anymore."

"I… never know what to say when you say things like that."

"Never mind" Pippin said.

"Listen, I was hoping that now that we're travelling together we could perhaps call a truce? There has to be enough of our friendship left for us to be able to get along, at least while we're travelling, wouldn't you say?"

"We're getting along right now, aren't we?" Pippin said. "Besides, didn't I tell you that when you need me I'll be there? I may not be able to be your good friend, butI can't do anything else than support you when you need me to, I don't know how to do anything else. If you lose your courage or fall to your knees or stagger on your road I will shelter you."

"I want to be able to offer you the same thing" Merry said. "I know you have no faith in me anymore… I'm sorry for the lies I might have told you in the past. I will never lie to you again and you can trust me when I say that."

"Thanks" Pippin said. "Though you don't have to be there for me Merry… Diamond is there for me, and the others in the fellowship."

"No you don't understand… I **want** to be there for you. Right now neither Diamond nor the others are here, you haven't got anyone else but me. Let me at least try."

"I can't think of anything I might need help with" Pippin said and wished they would change the subject. "Perhaps I'm a bit lonely but I don't expect you to be able to cure that. It will cure itself when we get to Ithilien."

Merry swallowed hard and looked the other way. It stung him to hear that Pippin was lonely in his company. It touched the part of him that felt their old bond and he knew that Pippin had never in his life felt lonely in his company before.

**XX  
XX**

The next day they were making good speed and Pippin expected them to reach Ithilien before luncheon the next day. Though once the sun had passed zenith Merry got an odd look on his face and seemed preoccupied with something. Pippin didn't pay any attention to it at first, he assumed Merry was nervous to meet Éowyn again, but when Merry slowed his pony down and tilted his head Pippin began to wonder what was going on.

"Merry?"

Merry didn't answer. He frowned and let his pony slowly walk in a different direction. Pippin followed him with his eyes for a moment then hurried after him.

"You're going the wrong way."

"Hush" Merry said and concentrated on listening. "There is something…"

Pippin tried to listen too but he couldn't hear anything.

"Listen Merry, perhaps if you--"

"Hush! Don't you feel the smell?"

Pippin sniffed in the air but couldn't define anything in particular. Merry however seemed to both be hearing something and smelling something. Not knowing what else to do Pippin followed him even though every step brought them further from Ithilien and a nice warm dining room.

After a few minutes they reached some thickets and Merry drove his pony straight at them. Pippin thought they must both be crazy and went after him. When he got to the other side he halted his pony and gaped.

In front of his eyes was a camp. But not just any regular camp or anything Pippin had ever seen before. The whole area was filled with little figures, probably not reaching the Hobbits higher up than to the waist. They were not only short but they had hairy arms yet not a strain of hair on their legs. Their heads were filled with hair in a colour which Pippin could nearest describe as blackish green and for most of them the hair reached down to the ground. They had tiny noses and tiny mouths but big eyes, and those eyes, which were the same colour as their hair, were all staring at Pippin and Merry. But the biggest surprise was that they didn't seem frightened or startled. On the contrary, they seemed pleased. And they all came up and flocked around Merry, chattering in some language which was impossible for Pippin to understand.

"Merry what is this?" he asked full of fright.

"How should I know?" Merry snarled and tried to back his pony away from the short-sized crowd.

A voice rose above the rest and commanded something. The tiny figures dispersed and made room for an old female who came up to the Hobbits and nodded of approval. She cast a quick glance at Pippin and then turned her full attention to Merry.

"You came back" she said in common tongue, with a voice so thick with accent that Pippin almost didn't understand her.

"I what?" Merry asked.

The old woman looked at him closely for several minutes. Then she tilted her head and smacked her tongue.

"Who am I?" she asked.

"I don't know" Merry said.

"It has happened again" she concluded. "But not entirely or else you wouldn't have found us. We can only be found by those who know how to look for us."

"Merry what is she talking about?" Pippin asked.

The woman turned and looked at Pippin. She studied him carefully and then turned back to Merry.

"Your companion… Is he someone from your past? Did you find them once again? Or are you more lost now than you ever were?"

"I think a little of both" Merry said nervously. "He is from my past but I have never been this lost my whole life."

Slowly it began to dawn on Pippin.

"I have always wondered what became of you during those years you were gone" he said. "Now I think I know the answer."

Merry nodded. He had come to the same conclusion. And he was beginning to feel comfortable. The little people around him were familiar to him and he got a strange feeling of being at home. A smile crept up on his face. The old woman noticed it and shook her head.

"Go" she said. "You are not ready. You must find your closure."

"Huh?" Pippin said.

"Quiet" Merry snarled at him, then he turned to the woman. "Perhaps I ought to stay… at least for the night… I feel good here and it's all so familiar somehow. Nothing has been familiar to me for far too long."

"When you are finished you will know how to find us if you must" the woman said. "We wondered where you went but we always knew that you would come back to us if you couldn't find your way back to where you originally were. If you come back to us it will be for good. You are not ready yet. You are going someplace." She looked at Pippin. "Take your companion and go. Do not return to us until you are ready to let go. You were always held back by something; don't let it hold you back your whole life."

"Merry let's go" Pippin said, eager to leave.

Merry hesitated and looked into the woman's eyes. Then he turned his pony around and galloped back in the direction they had come from. Pippin was right behind him, happy to leave and shaken by the experience. He had never seen any such creatures before, never even heard of them. Their talk about Merry returning for good scared him.

"What was that all about?" he asked Merry when they had gotten far enough from the camp. "Who were they? Who was that old woman?"

"All I know is…" Merry paused and hesitated. "I must have been with them. At least for a while. When I was missing. They want me to come back. I can't really explain it Pippin but it's all familiar to me. I know I have seen them before. I even understood what they were saying when they spoke in their own language."

"We are not far from Minas Tirith" Pippin said. "Or Ithilien. How could they have existed here for who knows how many years, and nobody has ever seen them or heard about them? It makes no sense."

"I can't say that anything surprises me anymore" Merry said. "They must really know how to hide."

"If you really were with them…" Pippin said slowly. "Then you were near… All those years when I missed you so you were still close to the river, still near Minas Tirith… How could that be?"

Merry didn't answer. His mind was busy thinking about what the woman had said. He had something he needed to take care of and it was time he took care of it now. That something could only mean Éowyn.

"Nobody is going to believe this" Pippin said under his breath.

Merry turned and looked at him with dead serious eyes.

"Pippin you mustn't tell anybody about this, do you hear? Promise me that you won't breathe a word to a living soul!"

"What does it matter?" Pippin asked, startled.

"I'm not sure but I know their secret must be kept. **Promise** me that you won't let anybody know that they exist at all!"

Pippin nodded but obviously didn't see what all the urgency was about. However Merry was sure he would keep quiet. He trusted Pippin to stand by his word. He had a feeling that a lot depended on him doing so.


	35. Merry

**A campsite, May of 1425**

Glagah looked up when she heard excited voices speaking. Her people were usually very quiet; she had to find out what was causing such an excitement. She put aside her handicraft and hurried over to see what was going on.

The troop of scouts had returned. With them was a large bundle, something living. Glagah marvelled at the sight but didn't let it show. She had never seen a tall figure this close before. However she was not happy at the sight, and as soon as the first touch of amazement wore off she began to yell at the scouts for bringing him to their camp. Their people had survived for generations because nobody knew they existed. Letting a tall figure come to their campsite meant their secret could not be kept for much longer.

The scouts listened to her tell-off without saying a word but when she was finished one of them spoke up.

"We found it by the riverbank… nearly dead and wounded by orcs. We couldn't let it die. We know it can be saved."

"And live to tell our secrets" Glagah snarled.

"We couldn't let it die at the hands of the orcs" the scout insisted. "It struggled. It is badly wounded but it fought its way up on the riverbank. We couldn't just leave it to die when we know it can be saved."

Glagah frowned and walked up to the large figure. She gave it a loose kick with her foot to see what would happen but there was no reaction. The body was three times taller than she was and a lot less hairy. The head was covered in hair which was probably curly when it was dry but right now it was soaking wet and in a terrible shape. So was the rest of the creature. It had a white shirt on and a pair of trousers, the type of clothes Glagah knew the tall figures liked to wear. She herself had never understood it, there were far too many buttons and they often had to wear layers to keep warm. The garnments were torn and dirty and bore signs of a struggle. The white shirt was open and revealed a large gash on the chest, near the heart. There were several bruises and smaller cuts but this was the most serious wound. Glagah leaned over and examined it more closely. The cold water had helped cease the bleeding but it was clear that the creature needed help and fast if he was not going to die from the wound. Even if it got help right away there was no telling that it would survive. It looked as good as dead and the wound was full of sand and dirt and would most likely get infected. It would be a waste of time to even try to help this creature.

"Glagah?" the scout said.

Glagah snorted.

"Get Herb. Let him see what he can do for it. If it lives we can discuss its future but I don't think it will see another day dawn."

Herb, their medic whose real name had been forgotten long ago, was sent for and Glagah took a step back when he leaned over the unconscious creature. She had not planned on staying around but for some reason it interested her to see what Herb might be able to do for the odd figure.

Herb didn't say anything at the sight of the creature. He seemed to accept its precense without a fight, and grabbed a pot of water to begin to clean the wound. While he was busy his assistant began to prepare some herbs to treat the gash with. Glagah shrugged her shoulders and left them to their own devices. The sight of the herbs had annoyed her; it was a waste to use them on this dying creature when one of her kinsmen might need them.

She sat down by the fireplace and wondered what to do if the being survived. She was the leader of her tribe and responsible for their well-being. Letting the creature return to its own people would be dangerous even though she knew nobody could find their campsites unless they knew exactly how to look for them. But their whole survival depended on being unknown to the taller folks and if this being went back to its own it would surely talk of the people who saved him. Glagah wasn't sure anybody would believe him but still the seed would have been planted and their safety would be in jeopardy. If a large tribe of the tall folk decided to look for Glagah's people they might just find them. There were only so many places to hide. Glagah couldn't help but wish that the creature would die. Everybody would be saved a lot of trouble if it didn't make it.

**XX**

**XX**

Merry moaned in pain and tried to roll over on his side but found that he couldn't. He was spread out on his back, burning hot even though he had no clothes on, and his whole body screamed out in pain. Especially his chest was hurting, his chest and his back. He could tell he had a fever even though his mind was cloudy and the whole world appeared to be spinning. He had no idea of where he was or what had happened to him. He could not even recall his own name. Every breath burned like fire and cut like a thousand knives, he found himself gasping for air since it was so hard to breathe with this intense pain.

He managed to open his eyes but his vision was blurry. He moaned again, louder this time, and felt he was about to pass out from the pain. Suddenly a tiny hand was on his forehead and then it lifted his head up a bit. Merry moaned again as the pain stabbed him even sharper.

"Finege oeth" a voice said.

A leather pouch was placed by his lips and Merry could feel a fluid pass by his lips. It eased his thirst and made the pain a bit easier to bear. It reminded him of something but he didn't know what. The hand lowered his head back down.

"Finege oeth" it said again.

Merry tried to say something but he wasn't sure what to say. He could hear muffled words pass over his lips but he didn't know what they meant. He closed his eyes and faded back into unconsciousness.

**XX  
XX**

"It awakes" Herb said proudly to Glagah. "It is asleep now again. But it has awakened. It might live."

Glagah frowned and looked over at the wounded creature.

"You are a skilled healer, Herb" she said. "I only wonder if healing is always such a gift. What are we to do with it should it become as good as new?"

"We will worry about that later" Herb said.

He returned to the creature and sat down beside it. He was happy to have this surprise visitor. It was not often he got a chance to really see what he could do, how great his skills were. His own people rarely injured themselves and he knew of all their illnesses so well by now that he could treat them with his eyes closed. But this being was new to him; he had never seen one before and could not know for sure how it would react to his herbs. And the wound it had was worse than anything Herb had ever seen before. It would have been dead by now if it hadn't been for Herb. It was a real challenge for him, and he had been longing for one for many years.

"It tried to speak in its own language" Herb said to Glagah who had come over to look at the being. "I don't understand what it says."

"I know a little of the foreign tongue" Glagah said. "Let us hope I know enough."

**XX  
XX**

Three days later Merry opened his eyes and saw clearly. The fever had gone down. He tried to move his limbs and found that his muscles did not ache as badly anymore. But the wound on his chest which he could see if he tilted his head looked severe. It was a miracle that he was even alive.

He tried to sit up but found himself screaming of pain as he did. As soon as the scream had faded seven tiny creatures had rushed up to him to see what was going on. They all chattered at the same time in a language which was new to Merry.

"Finege oeth" they all said. "Finege oeth!"

"Finege oeth on you too" Merry mumbled.

"Finege oeth!" they cried, more ecstatically.

He flinched with pain and reached up his hand to his chest. One of the creatures shook his head at him and said something in the foreign tongue. Merry ignored him. He realised that these creatures had saved his life but they did not speak the same language and he was not about to be given medial advice from someone he could not even understand. Suddenly he became aware that he was naked and began to look around for his clothes.

The short creature shook his head and said something else, probably a warning that he shouldn't strain himself. Merry didn't acknowledge him with as much as a nod. He had noticed that his trousers had been used as a pillow for him and he reached for them. The wound on his chest hurt very badly with each move of his arms and he screamed out loud when he pulled his trousers back on. He had to lie back down to avoid fainting and the disapproving midget was suddenly leaned over him, smacking his tongue in an I-told-you-so fashion.

The midget held up a pouch for him to drink from and Merry drank greedily. The liquid eased his pain and made him feel a bit better. It made it easier to breathe and soon he stopped panting.A partof his mindnoted that it was a herbal brew he had been given, and he saved the memory of the taste for later, toidentify what herbs had been used. At least something was familiar. He closed his eyes hard for a second and then openedthem carefully. His head ached, but not as badly anymore.He gathered his strength and sat back up.

He looked around him and found that he was in some form of campsite, though there were no tents. Only small campfires and skins of bears which he assumed served as blankets. But there were at least twenty more of the tiny creatures and they all seemed to be occupied with something.

One of them, an older female, stepped up to Merry and gave him a disapproving look. Merry returned the gesture. He did not know where he was or who he was with and the last thing he needed was a scolding look from a stranger.

"Where do you come from?" she asked in the Common Tongue.

Merry didn't understand the words at first. Her speech was so heavily accented by her own mother tongue that he didn't realise she was speaking in his language at first. But when she repeated the question he understood her.

"I…" he began.

Then he paused. He realised he couldn't answer her. He had no idea how he had ended up where he was or where he had been before that.

"I honestly don't know" he said.

"What is your name?" she asked.

"I… can't recall that either" Merry said and began to feel depressed. "It's all so hazy to me. The only thing I can recall right now is… is that there is someone waiting for me somewhere. But I don't know where or who."

Glagah turned to Herb with questioning eyes. She had heard of people losing their memory before but she was not convinced that the creature was sincere. It might be a trick. Herb only shrugged his shoulders and said that he had found no evidence of the creature being hit in the head, which he would have expected if the memory was gone. But after a pause he added that if something terrible had happened to the creature it might not remember it quite yet. He had heard that the tall figures had minds that worked that way sometimes, in order to protect them.

Glagah snorted. Protect. Run away from was more appropriate. The tall folks had always been prone to running away.

She looked at the creature and saw how genuinely miserable it looked. She could not bring herself to doubt that he had forgotten.

**XX  
XX**

After two weeks Merry felt well enough to be walking around. He rose carefully and swayed back and forth for a moment before he regained his balance. He was weak and had been lying down for nearly twenty days; it was no wonder that he was a bit unsteady. He grabbed his shirt and put it on and slowly tried to button it up but it was difficult. The creatures around him all seemed to have gone to sleep save for the old woman, and he was not about to ask her to help him out. He had to try and button up on his own.

He called the creatures fingots because of the words they had repeated over and over the first time he heard them speak. _Finege oeth_ meant "it awakes" in their tongue but he wasn't aware of it. It had gotten easier for him to have a name to call them by, even if it was only in his own head. He searched his mind for any stories of such creatures but couldn't find anything. It was strange, he could not recall people or places but he could remember old stories.

He went over to the largest fireplace, where the old woman sat. He harked to make his presence known. He was not entirely comfortable around her; he could tell that she didn't approve of him being there. He wished he could return home and no longer be a nuisance to her but the medic in him knew that he was not well enough to venture out into the wilderness on his own in search for something he didn't know what it was.

"You should sleep" the old woman said.

"I have slept enough" Merry replied and sat down next to her. "I need to be up and about and try my legs."

"What is your name?" she asked him.

"Honestly… I don't know" he said and sighed. "How can one forget one's own name? Out of all things that would be something to remember… What is your name?"

"I am Glagah."

"Glagah" Merry repeated. "I want to thank you Glagah. Without the help of you and your people I would not have lived."

"You are lucky you are doing well now" Glagah said.

Merry made a face. _Doing well_ were hardly the words he would choose but he knew it must simply be a linguistic mistake. Glagah's language was broken and it was amazing that she was able to communicate with him at all.

"Tomorrow we leave" she said. "We must move."

"I hope I haven't been keeping you" Merry said. "I don't know that I am entirely fit to travel just yet but I will do my best."

"We go" Glagah said. "You stay."

Merry stared at her with a gaping mouth. She couldn't be serious. There was no way that he would be able to survive on his own out in the wilderness. He was too ill to find shelter and food and he had no tools.

Glagah told him to go get some sleep. She was obviously done talking. She rose and walked off, leaving him alone. Merry wondered what would become of him when they all left.

**XX  
XX**

"Glagah we can't leave it" Herb insisted. "It will die! How is it supposed to find food? It doesn't know where it comes from and even if it did it wouldn't be able to find its way back. Not before dying of starvation."

Glagah sighed deeply but realised it was no use to argue. Herb and a few others seemed to have gotten attached to the creature and refused to leave it. And she knew that Herb was right. If they left the being he would not survive.

"Think about it Glagah…" Herb said. "If we leave it to die then all of our work will have been in vain."

"If it dies it cannot give away our secrets" Glagah retorted.

"Who is it going to tell our secrets to? It remembers no one. By the time it is well enough to return to its own people it will feel gratitude towards us. Trust me on this Glagah, no one will find out about us."

Glagah was far from convinced but went along with the request to bring the creature. She knew when it was best not to fight her own, and she couldn't argue with the fact that their strange guest would not survive on its own.

Herb hurried off to find some strong men to assist him and before everyone had packed and was ready to break their camp they had constructed a primitive gurney for Merry to lie on. The fingots were surprisingly strong for their short height but it still took four of them to carry the gurney without breaking their backs. Merry was scarcely aware of what was happening, Herb had given him something to make him sleep so that he wouldn't move around and cause the carriers problems.

The fingots left their campsite and as soon as the last one had disappeared from sight there was no telling that they had ever been there.

**XX  
XX**

Before long the fingots made themselves a new camp where they stayed for 23 days. Merry's strength returned but not his memories. He desperately wished he had someone to talk to, he felt lonely and he had a distinct feeling that loneliness was not an emotion he had known well. But the only one who spoke the Common Tongue was Glagah and she was very wary around him. The only way Merry knew of to communicate was to try and get the fingots to teach him their language. He wasn't very successful but at least he had a few phrases down and could name a few nouns before the time came for the fingots to head off to their next camp.

Merry found himself wondering what they had planned to do with him this time around. He was doing much better now than he had a month ago, yet he was far from certain that he could survive on his own out in the wilderness. He approached Glagah as soon as he noticed that the fingots were making preparations to leave again. He didn't think it would help to beat around the bush, especially since he and Glagah barely spoke the same language, so he just asked her straight out. No answer came for a while and Merry was starting to feel desperate.

"I know that I am a burden to you" he said. "I know you don't like having me here… But I honestly don't know what else to do or where else to go. I don't know where I belong anymore. I'm even farther away from home than I was when you first found me. Yet even if my home was just an hour's walk from here I would not know in which direction to walk. And I don't know how I am to survive out here when I might have to do so indefinitely."

Glagah gave him a look. She had asked everyone in her tribe if they knew of a place nearby where the tall folks lived but since the fingots very rarely left their camps other than to travel or hunt nobody had ever seen any tall folks, let alone a place where they lived. Glagah found herself pitying this creature that had no family, no tribe, no security and no memory. Then and there she made a decision which would affect all of them more than she realised.

"You will go with us" she said. "Until you remember where you belong you will go with us. But on one condition."

"Name it."

"When you return to your own people you must never tell them where you have been. You must forget about us the second you lose sight of us."

Merry nodded slowly.

"I understand" he said. "I know how important it can be to stay out of sight and knowledge. Don't ask me how I know…"

Glagah grunted, Merry assumed it meant she was pleased that he would keep their secret safe. He smiled at her.

"Glagah… How do you say _thank you_ in your tongue?"

"Tekym askar" the old woman said.

"Tekym askar, Glagah" Merry said and gave her a light pat on the shoulder. "I will go with you tomorrow then. Walking on my own this time, at least partly."

He went back to the spot where he slept and crawled up on his side. Something told him that he and Glagah might get along quite well in the future. Perhaps they might even become friends of some sort.

But in the warm June evening he felt cold all of a sudden, as soon as he thought of friends. There was something which he had not quite forgotten even though his mind was still a blur whenever he tried to remember anything before waking up with the fingots. There was somebody out there which he felt was calling him. There was something unresolved with someone and it had left a big enough impression in his mind to refuse to be forgotten about. But whenever he tried to see a face or hear a name the memory slipped away from him. Whoever this friend was and whatever they had been doing before they were separated it was now a mystery to him.

**XX  
XX**

His memories did not return. Merry's stay with the fingots grew longer and longer, until he began to feel almost like one of them. He learned to get by in their language, although only the most necessary words and phrases. The fingots were always very quiet, they didn't speak much and when they did they spoke in low voices, making it hard for Merry to hear and understand them and to learn their language. He preferred talking to Glagah who was getting better at the Common Tongue as Merry tried to teach her more.

The fingots slept out in the open every night, something Merry was not quite comfortable with. After a few months they made a tent-like arrangement for him which he accepted with a lot of gratitude. He felt more accepted among them when he had his own tent, more like he was one of them. If they wanted him gone they wouldn't have gone through the trouble of making the tent for him.

When summer turned into autumn and winter drew near Merry began to wonder where these beings spent their winters. He soon learned that they didn't change their habits just because it grew colder. They dug small holes in the ground if it was really cold but otherwise they slept out in the open as they always did. Merry felt even more at home when they began to dig holes, it felt very familiar to him.

The fingots made him some warmer clothes to wear but it proved to be a bit of a problem. The fingots all wore trousers and they had made a good pair for Merry, but none of them wore anything on their upper bodies and they had no clue how to make a shirt. Merry ended up making one for himself, a very primitive one but at least it was better than the torn-up shirt he had worn thus far.

As time went by Merry grew to understand their culture. They were nomads, staying only at one camp for 23 days before they moved on. They had a specific route that they travelled by and it took them ten to eleven years to go around in a full circle. With sadness in his heart Merry realised that they were leading him further and further away from where his real home was. Even though he was content with the fingots he knew he didn't belong there. And there was that someone who was calling out for him somewhere.

It took Merry most of summer to notice that magical rituals were a large part of the fingots' culture. Every time the moon was full Glagah and three of the wisest would gather at midnight and perform rituals which seemed like something voodoo like to Merry. His curiosity was woken and he made sure to watch them for a while when they were performing their rituals. That ended when Glagah noticed him and gave him a big telling-off for spying on their private affairs.

Since he still couldn't recall his name the fingots called Merry Kali, which was their word for _creature_. When Merry found out exactly what it meant he didn't know whether to feel offended or amused. By that time he had lived with the fingots for three years and didn't feel like he was a creature to them anymore. They had gotten to know each other well and he had hoped they saw him more as one of them. But the name Kali had been given to him during his first summer with them and nobody saw any reason to give him a new name later on.

**XX  
XX**

When a decade had passed and the fingots had travelled full circle Merry found himself back at the campsite where they had first brought him. At first he didn't recognise the surroundings but when Herb told him where they were a strange feeling came over him. The fingots noticed that he wasn't really himself but nobody asked any questions. Nobody except for Glagah, who sat down with him by the fireplace a few nights before they were to move to their next campsite.

"What is bothering you?" she asked.

"I don't know…" Merry said with a sigh and stared into the fire. "Perhaps it is just because we are back where I first came to live with you. Being back here… You know that friend I have always been talking about? The one I know I had even though I can't remember the face or name?"

"The one you had some unfinished business with" Glagah said matter-of-factly.

"Yes. It's been a long time but this friend has stuck with me. I've been thinking about it more during these past days."

"You tall people are a mystery to me" Glagah said and sighed. "You love, you foolish beings."

Merry shrugged his shoulders. He knew that love wasn't a common concept among the fingots. They looked after each other and took care of each other but they did not love. At least not like the taller folks did.

"Tell me Glagah" he said. "What is it that you have against love?"

"Love is destructive" she said and waved a finger at Merry. "Mark my words; it is far more destructive than hate."

"How is that?"

"Part of your soul has been pining all these years Kali because of the love you have for that friend of yours. Love demands things of you, love requires sacrifices. If those you love feel the same about you they take a part of your soul. If they do not feel the same then they can crush you with a single word. And you and your kin are foolish enough to throw your lives away for love. Whether it is dying for someone else's sake or honouring their memory long after they have disappeared. Once you have begun to love you will never be free ever again."

Merry snorted.

"Yet what is a life without love?" he asked her."If you love no one then where is the joy in your life? And without people loving you how can you make it through the hard times in your life? Perhaps love does take its toll but I would rather love and hurt than to feel nothing."

"That is your choice" Glagah said. "And it is your curse."

She rose and left the fire to get some sleep. Merry didn't move. He looked at the flames and wondered if he was happy. Since he had been with the fingots he had not loved. Sure he cared for them, many of them were good friends, but he did not love any of them, as siblings or lovers. And perhaps that kept him from having to make a lot of sacrifices. But it also meant that there was no real joy in his life.

With a yawn he decided to leave the fire and get some sleep as well. Not having anybody to love was a small price to pay considering that the fingots had kept him alive for all these years. He was not about to be ungrateful.

**XXX  
XXX  
XXX**

We're almost at the end, folks... Just a few more chapters to go! I hope this chapter didn't seem too rushed, it was hard to make it make sense without being a whole fanfic series in itself.

Which brings me to something... I've been working on an "appendix" for this fanfic, a series of stories which go deeper into different characters' thougths and feelings, explore events which aren't portrayed within the actual story and bring a bit more insight hopefully. They wouldn't really work within the story itself but I have written them down anyways and I will be posting them sometime in the future.

How does this concern you as the reader? Well I'm hoping to perhaps get some more ideas from all you fine people! If there are any events you found unclear or anything you might like to know more about then please let me know and I'll try to write it.

So give me your thoughts and ideas if you have any, and if not I will just see you in the next chapter! insert smiley here


	36. Buried

**Ithilien, January of 1439**

Merry looked around him with curious eyes as he and Pippin rode up the street which lead to the castile stables of Ithilien. Pippin appeared to be uninterested in the sight and didn't seem the least bit curious anymore as to whether or not Merry could remember what he saw. But Merry stared at the sight with wide eyes and thought to himself that this must be one of the most beautiful places in the world. Even in January Ithilien was lovely.

"It's gorgeous" he said out loud.

"Yes" Pippin agreed. "It's even better later in the year. If you can choose any place on earth to spend the month of May in, let it be Ithilien."

Merry nodded and smiled to himself. He paid no heed to the crowds that had come out of their homes to watch him and Pippin ride down the street. He could hear the people gasp and whisper amongst themselves but he chose not to care. He knew that Ithilien was the place whence he had left all those years ago and that nobody here had ever expected to see him again. He was used to that reaction by now.

"How far until we reach the castile?" he asked Pippin.

"Just up that road" Pippin said with a nod in the right direction. "We will leave our animals with the stable hand and then I'll take you to the throne room. Lord Faramir will be waiting. Perhaps your Lady Éowyn as well."

"No doubt she will" Merry said and looked down on his hands.

"You're not planning on… speaking with her today are you?" Pippin asked. "Because you won't get a moment alone with her on your first night. Too many ceremonies here and there plus there's supper."

"No, I… I'm in no rush."

"This won't be easy but you knew that already" Pippin said. "Don't turn back now that you're here, follow through. Either that or never mention it again. Actually I would prefer the latter."

Merry opened his mouth to give a sassy reply but thought the better of it. The truth was that part of him wanted to turn back and never mention anything about it again. But he knew he had to see it through or he would never find the answers that he was looking for. No matter how difficult it might be he had to do this.

But when Éowyn came out to greet them and he had his arms around her in a hug he couldn't help but wonder what would happen now. She was his only real link to his past and he would be jeopardizing it all. He hadn't been quite sure until this moment whether or not he really did love her, but when he saw her he knew that his feelings were for real.

**XX  
XX**

As it turned out Éowyn did not have the time for any friendly chat the first two days, there was a lot of activity going on at the castile and the Hobbits were left mainly to themselves. Pippin made a half-hearted attempt to be of some service but Faramir refused to let him do anything but settle in for the first few days. He would get his chance to serve, Faramir thought it better that he helped Merry get comfortable in the new settings.

For Pippin it was a very strange experience being back in Ithilien with Merry. He vividly remembered the last day they had spent together in this city, so long ago. Merry's loss of memory was all of a sudden a comforting thing, Pippin did not have to look at him and know that he remembered that day too. It was a day Pippin would not mind forgetting forever, even though he used the word _forget_ with caution these days.

When Merry was not able to speak with Éowyn right away he found his courage weakening. He had quite a few opportunities during their first week in Ithilien to talk to her but he was never able to speak of anything but things she would expect from him. But he found that their usual conversations were not as fulfilling as they had been before, the knowledge of what he felt for her hung over him like a dark cloud and it was hard to be just her friend.

Pippin had gone back to regular service but he watched Merry from his corner and hoped his cousin would forget all about what he had come there to say. Merry was thankful that Pippin at least didn't say anything about it all, he knew what his cousin would have to say anyway and it was easier not to hear it.

Something else that troubled Merry was the gardens. It was almost as if he was afraid to go in there, something always held him back. He couldn't understand or explain why that was, it was just a feeling he had that the gardens were a bad place. He knew that if he said that to anyone they would think him crazy for sure, but he was beginning to run out of excuses for why he and Éowyn should take their walks some other place.

Éowyn was fully aware of his anxiety concerning the gardens but she was not entirely sure of why that was. She decided that Merry needed to face whatever garden demons he had and told him one day to go into the gardens and get a specific plant for the medics. Without knowing how to say no to such a request Merry wrapped his cape around him and ventured into the place he dreaded.

It was only January and the gardens were not as pretty as they had the capacity of being. Not that it would have mattered even if the flowers were in full bloom and there was life and colour all around him. Merry hurried through the gardens looking for the specific plant and didn't see much else than what he necessarily had to. He found the plant and put it in a bag, happy that he would be able to leave the gardens. It annoyed him to no end that he couldn't figure out why he was so anxious to be there and it made him dislike the gardens even more.

He looked around and wondered what would be the nearest way out of the gardens and back to the castile. He chose a path randomly and rubbed his arms to keep warm. It was a cold day and even his cape wasn't offering that much warmth.

His eyes fell on something in a glade and curiosity got the better of him. He stopped and walked into the glade, wondering what a marble cat was doing there. It seemed horribly out of place. No other marble figurines were around. It looked as if it had been misplaced by someone and he wondered if he should perhaps pick it up and bring it back to the castile. Then he thought the better of it; the cat looked heavy.

"Merry?"

Merry spun around and saw Pippin looking at him with questioning eyes. Merry offered him half a smile and nodded towards the cat.

"I was just in here to get some herbs" he said and held up the bag for Pippin to see. "I spotted this cat on my way back. It looked odd to me; I couldn't help but take a closer look. I'll be on my way now."

"Do you know where you are?" Pippin asked.

"I know I haven't been eager to go into the gardens" Merry said with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "But Éowyn asked me and I couldn't think of a reason not to."

"No… Do you know where you are standing now, the exact spot?"

"No" Merry said, taking a good look around him.

"This is where we buried you" Pippin said and stepped into the glade.

"Buried me?"

Merry turned and looked at the cat again. He now saw that there was a small platter by the foot of it, and though he couldn't read what it said he knew anyway. His name, date of birth and when they had presumed him dead.

"We didn't have a body to bury of course" Pippin said. "Because we never found you. But we thought beyond all doubt that you were gone from us. All the things you had with you when you left that day, all things that were recovered at any rate, were placed in a casket together with some of your belongings which were kept here. I always thought that was the closest I would ever get to burying you. Not that it mattered to me whether your body was here or not, it's the tall folks who care about such trivial things." Pippin kneeled by the cat. "I stood here together with all your friends and those who had cared for you and I said goodbye. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. When I had left your casket they buried it here in the ground and placed the marble cat here to mark the spot. Another thing I found ridiculous but after all this is Strider's land and he hast he final say in things. And I must admit I've come to realise the point in such a ritual. To me, this has been where you are. For ten years I thought of you and whenever I pictured you dead this was where I saw you being. This spot was you. Turns out it is a silly ritual after all, and this is just another place like any other. Only it has some of your belongings buried beneath its soil."

"I think I'm going to be sick" Merry said.

Pippin turned his head and looked at him with slight surprise but Merry ignored him. The realisation of where he was standing made a chill run down his spine.

"I'm not dead but I have a burial spot" he said. "People buried me…"

A painful memory came over Pippin when he heard his cousin say that. Memories from the war, when he had found Merry staggering down the streets of Minas Tirith after the battle of the Pelennor Fields.

"_Are you going to bury me?_"

"_No indeed!_"

But Pippin had buried Merry. He rose to his feet and stepped away from the cat, feeling just as sick as Merry. Out of all the places in the world where the two of them could be standing together this had to be the queerest. He wanted to scream at Merry to leave, to not ruin this place where Pippin could still be with the Merry he had buried. The Merry he had for such a long time believed to be gone and who had been resting at this place. But it had all been a lie, just like everything else. In the corner of his eye he saw his cousin but he would not vanish if he turned to look at him. Not anymore. He was real, he was there, a physical being who could be touched and heard. Yet at this moment Pippin longed for the Merry who had vanished at the turn of a head, the one who could be exactly what Pippin wanted him to be for he lived mostly in Pippin's mind and memory. That Merry had been less lost to Pippin than this one was.

"This must be the worst place in the world to be" Pippin heard Merry say. "Standing at your own gravesite."

"Perhaps you should go" Pippin said. "It's not good for you to be here, and… and…"

He didn't have to finish his sentence. Merry turned and walked out of the glade, only happy to get to leave. He stopped once he was back out on the path he had walked on before and took a deep breath of air.

"Sometimes I wonder… where have I been? What have I seen? **Who** have I been? While you were burying me here, while people were mourning me here, all those years that everyone who cared about me believed this place to be all that was left of me… Where was I?"

"Those little hairy beings we encountered…" Pippin mumbled to himself.

"I wonder…" Merry said. "I wonder if I forgot about all of you even then." Then he sighed. "I am **tired** of wondering!"

"We all are" Pippin said in a low voice.

Merry shook his head as if to clear it from all bad thoughts. Then he followed the path back to the castile. Pippin was left alone with the marble cat. He cast a glance on it and thought of all it had represented to him. With an angry cry he walked over and pushed the cat over. It fell hard onto the frosty ground and the ear and part of the side broke and fell off. Pippin wished it had all broken. He never wanted to see that cat again.


	37. Past and Present

**Ithilien, January of 1439**

"I really wish you would tell me what was wrong" Éowyn said and handed Merry a pair of mittens as they left the castile to take a walk. "Don't you know I can see that something is bothering you?"

"Oh nothing is wrong but the usual" Merry said and attempted a laugh but he could tell how phoney it sounded.

"Alright then" Éowyn said. "I will make a deal with you. Trade information for information. You request something from me and I shall require something from you in return."

"What would I possibly have to request from you?"

"I know all of your deepest secrets" Éowyn said. "Trust me, I do. All the secrets of your past and all your memories."

"No, I don't think that you do" Merry said, more to himself than to her.

"Go ahead, ask me."

"Alright… Let me think…" Oddly enough he couldn't think of anything to ask now that he was given the opportunity to be told anything. "How did I come to be in your service?"

"During the great War of the Ring you swore allegiance to my uncle, Théoden King of Rohan. You served me as an esquire and a friend in battle. After the war was over there was a bond between us and you served me and my brother, who was now king, equally."

Merry nodded slightly. It sounded vaguely familiar.

"Now then, my turn to request something" Éowyn said. "Come into the gardens with me Master Meriadoc."

"I'd rather talk out here" Merry said and stopped by the garden gates.

"I told you what you wanted to know; now this is my request in return. Walk in the gardens with me."

Merry shook his head and was determined to tell her no. He could not go in there; something inside him told him that he shouldn't. But the look on Éowyn's face clearly told him that she would not take no for an answer and against all his better judgment he took a hold of her hand and walked into the gardens.

**XX  
XX**

Pippin saw the two of them go into the gardens and somehow he knew that by the time they got back out Merry would have told Éowyn his great secret. Pippin wished he knew a way to stop it but it was too late to change Merry's mind now. He felt sick to his stomach, he had a strong feeling that this conversation could never end well. Someone would end up with their heart broken, most likely Merry but Pippin hoped it would be him rather than Faramir. Éowyn would be placed in a very awkward situation and she would end up losing either her favourite esquire and old friend or her husband. It was not fair to put her in that situation. She had lost him once before and didn't deserve to lose him again, and she also didn't deserve to lose her marriage. Pippin couldn't help but think that if Merry truly did love her he would keep it a secret from her for as long as he lived. He would only harm her by telling her the truth.

"Master Peregrin!"

Pippin turned with tired eyes and nodded at the soldier who approached him. Nobody called him _Master Perian_ anymore without knowing whether they were talking to Peregrin or Meriadoc, but he had grown mighty tired of having his name called time and time again. He wondered what this soldier might want.

"Lord Faramir wishes a word with you."

Pippin cast an uncertain glance towards the gardens where Merry and Éowyn had disappeared and swallowed hard before following the soldier to see Faramir. The last person he wanted to see right now was Faramir, he didn't know how to look him in the eye knowing that his acclaimed best friend was at that very moment professing love for Faramir's wife. But he had no choice, he had to go and see his lord, he couldn't think of a legitimate excuse not to. How had he ever ended up in this mess?

**XX  
XX**

"Your closest friend aside from Pippin, prior to meeting me, was Frodo Baggins" Éowyn explained. "He is more than ten years older than you but he grew up in your parents' home and the two of you were good friends and would still have been to this day if you still knew who he was."

Merry only paid half attention to the answer. He had realised a long time ago that the questions he wanted answers to were not about the facts of his life but of experiences and emotions, things nobody could tell him. He was growing tired of this game now and Éowyn seemed to be too. He couldn't think of another question to ask her and decided that the game would have to end once she had asked her next question. He was not prepared for what she requested from him.

"What is it that you've been afraid to tell me?"

He stopped for a second and looked at her before continuing to walk with his eyes locked on the ground. He knew that this was the perfect opening for what he wanted to talk to her about but he was afraid to say anything. He was terrified of losing her, his only link to his past and in many ways his truest friend. Yet he knew he had come to Ithilien for one reason only and he would never forgive himself if he left without having spoken with her.

He grabbed her by the arm and gently led her into a secluded glade in the gardens. They were the only people there and his keen ears would pick up on anyone coming close enough to hear them but it felt better to have the protection of the hedges around them. It felt more private and secluded.

"Merry what is it?" Éowyn said with a little laugh, surprised at his reaction.

"You're right, I have been afraid to tell you something" Merry said, gripping her hands and looking into her eyes. "Something which is difficult to say but even more difficult to keep secret." He took a deep breath and let go of her hands. "What I feel for you goes beyond friendship. I love you. I'm in love with you."

Éowyn's face went pale. Merry could see the insecurity that appeared in her eyes and bit his lip when she involuntarily took a step back from him. Now he had said it. Now there was no turning back.

**XX  
XX**

"You wanted to see me, Milord?" Pippin said hesitantly and stepped inside Faramir's study.

"Yes, come in, close the door behind you."

Pippin did as told and walked into the middle of the room. He looked down at his own hands, nervous to look at Faramir. It felt as if he had done something wrong, and in a way he had. He was an accomplice to what Merry was doing because he knew and he had not done anything to stop it other than try to talk Merry out of it.

"I have a job for you" Faramir said. "Something I can't entrust to just anyone."

"Perhaps you shouldn't entrust it to me then" Pippin said and swallowed.

"On the contrary" Faramir said and smiled at him. "You are my most trusted esquire and my close friend. Who better to trust than you?"

Pippin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He knew he couldn't let Faramir put his faith in him when the truth was that he was going behind his back. He had too much love and respect for the steward.

"I'm sorry Milord" he said. "I really wish that I could help you. But it would not be fair for me to do so."

"What nonsense is this?" Faramir asked, almost amused. "Peregrin Took you are a dear friend of mine and I know I can trust you completely."

"I wish that were true" Pippin said. "But the truth is I have already betrayed you."

**XX  
XX**

"I wish you would say something" Merry said when Éowyn had been silent for minutes. Then he changed his mind and interrupted her before she could even begin to speak. "No on second thought you needn't say anything at all! I don't want anything from you. I just needed to know the truth about who I am and what I feel… and what I felt… For the truth is I loved you even then. And I've always known that. I just thought I had misplaced my love for someone else onto you since I could remember you, but when I felt nothing for my fiancée I began to wonder. Then finally I knew the truth. My feelings were for you and they always had been. As soon as I saw you here again I knew that it was so."

Éowyn didn't answer. She didn't even want to look at him. He could tell that her tears were not far away and he wished he could just be quiet and stop tormenting her like this. But the dice had been rolled and he had to follow through.

"Éowyn you… you are as fair as life itself" he said softly. "And yet your fairness is the least of your qualities. How could I not feel this way for you?"

"You really shouldn't" Éowyn said, finally finding some words to say. "Can't we just forget that you ever said those words to me?"

"I have forgotten enough" Merry said. "I won't forget this. It had to be said."

"Oh Meriadoc…" Éowyn sighed. "You have meant more to me than I ever expected anybody to do… and I'm so grateful to you for everything you have done for me, for my family and for my kingdom. Please don't ruin the bond that we have. I can never be yours, you know that!"

"I'm throwing away my best friend" Merry said and looked down at his feet. "I realise that. Yet I would have lost you just the same if I had kept quiet. I would always have carried this like a burden and you would have known something was wrong. You knew today that something was wrong! I would rather have you know than have you wonder because I know how hard it is to wonder about something for so long! To always have it within your grasp but be unable to reach it! I search for a long time for the answers but I did not see, I didn't realise that I couldn't find the answers because I already had them. I felt this way about you because that's just how it always has been."

"No Merry, it's not" Éowyn said with emphasis. "I have been your good friend and nothing more. What you're feeling now is insecurity. You remember me and you misinterpret the feeling of friendship and belonging."

"I will not deny what I'm feeling" Merry said. "Please understand… I am not asking you to feel the same. I know you never could, I'm just a Hobbit. What I'm asking is for you to understand. What kind of friendship would we have if I always kept such a huge secret from you? I have been accused of lying to my friends, that I lied to them in the past. I don't want to be that way, not this time around. I won't lie to you about what I feel for you."

**XX  
XX**

Pippin felt miserable and wished he could put on a magic ring and vanish. Faramir was looking at him with genuine surprise and confusion and Pippin wondered if he had said too much. He hated Merry for having placed him in this situation. Now Pippin would have to decide where his loyalties laid, with his old best friend or with the steward he had loved and served for two decades. Either he told Faramir the truth and betrayed Merry, or he kept Faramir in the dark and thus helped someone else woo his wife. Neither option felt very tempting.

Faramir rose from the chair he had been sitting in and walked over to his esquire. Pippin stood at attention, almost as if he had swallowed a pitchfork. He was afraid to look at Faramir and the taller figure frowned when he saw the shorter avert his eyes.

"Betrayed me?" he said and raised an eyebrow at Pippin. "How is it that you have betrayed me?"

"I… I don't know if I can tell you that. It's complicated. I either betray you or I betray someone else I care about."

"Merry?"

Pippin didn't answer. Faramir sat down on his desk and caught Pippin's eye.

"What could possibly be so bad that you would betray either me or… your other friend?" he asked.

"I…"

"Come now Peregrin, you can tell me. Do I not owe you trust and the benefit of the doubt?"

"It's not that I have done something myself to betray you, Milord" Pippin tried to explain. "It's that I know of something someone is doing which is wrong by you. It is not what you deserve. And I have not stopped it."

"Is it serious?"

"Potentially."

Faramir mulled it over for a minute. He had not seen Pippin this uncomfortable in a long time. He began to doubt if it was in fact Merry Pippin was trying to protect, he couldn't think of anything Merry could want to do which would hurt Faramir to that degree.

"If we're lucky it all fails and you will never have to know what has been going on behind your back" Pippin said. "And if we're not so lucky you will be furious to find out. Either way it is bad that I know about it at this moment, I've known for a few days even, and yet I have done nothing to warn you or to stop it from happening."

"Is someone planning a coup d'etat?" Faramir asked.

"No" Pippin said. "But I cannot tell you what is going on because… because I cannot betray the confidence that was given to me. Yet by keeping it I am betraying you. And by saying anything to you about it like I have now I am quite sure I have betrayed both you and my other friend."

Faramir was quiet for a long time. He looked at Pippin intensely and tried to figure out what he could be talking about. This felt like a coated warning from the Hobbit but he couldn't imagine what he would be warning him about. Had Pippin told him the truth straight out he would not have believed him, his own mind would never stray into anything even related to what was actually going on.

"Master Peregrin…" he said finally.

"Yes?" Pippin said and swallowed nervously.

"I owe a great deal to you. Whatever it is that is going on it is not your fault that it is happening. You saved my life; I know I can trust you with not only my life but that of my wife and my son. Not once in all these years have you been disloyal to me. I know that your allegiance lies here and if it is torn away by something or someone then I believe you have cause to make the choices you make. Fear not. You have not betrayed me and you never will. Whatever happens, I put my faith in you."

Pippin nodded slowly and closed his eyes. He was not sure he deserved the huge faith Faramir had in him.

**XX  
XX**

"Don't you understand?" Merry said softly. "I have dreamt of you, I have dreamt of kissing your lips, stroking the hair out of your face, whispering in your ear… and I know what I would whisper… that I love you."

"Merry please stop!" Éowyn said and raised a hand to emphasise her words. "Don't you see that it is hard enough that you went away? I have carried the guilt with me for more than ten years; please don't place the burden of your love on top of it!"

"Why would you feel guilty of anything?" Merry asked.

"Because I let you slip away from me… I let you disappear into the night, into death. You had been missing for days when I first rode out to find you! I hid away in my chambers and did nothing to help. I never even attended your funeral. Looking back now I know I **should** have gone out to find you. Had I searched for you from the very first day I know I would have found you. But I didn't. I let you disappear. I wonder where you were all those years, if you were alone and if you remembered what happened before…" She cut herself off before she could finish the sentence and quickly began on the next. "I didn't go to find you because it was too difficult. You disappeared because of that. It's simply by happenstance that you ever came back. Your loss of memory could have been prevented too, if only we had found you in time. I don't deserve your love Meriadoc; it breaks my heart that you are so willing to give it to me. I don't even deserve to be the only person you can remember. Why couldn't it have been Peregrin? Why couldn't you have remembered him instead? He wanted so badly to go look for you but he was denied. He never stopped feeling you all those years you were gone. Deep down inside Peregrin knew you were still alive and that is why he couldn't let you go."

"I remember you because you were the one I loved" Merry said simply.

"Please… We were dear friends but nothing more. We had something special, indeed we did! You taught me to laugh and to cry, you helped me become who I always needed to be. And I helped you grow and I looked after you in a way that nobody had before. We made each other stronger and we helped each other develop. All I know about being me I learned from you. This is a very powerful connection to have with someone and it might be easy to confuse it with love. But it never was love."

"I realise that it wasn't love for you" Merry said. "You love your husband. He is a good man and worthy of your affection. What do I have to offer a princess? I am merely a Hobbit, not even one of your own kind. I live far away, I am used to other customs than you, the whole idea of us ever being together is absurd. But the heart wants what the heart wants and it doesn't think logically. I am not asking you to love me. Just to accept that I will love you until my heart stops beating and I die for real."

**XX  
XX**

"May I ask a favour of you?" Faramir said and urged Pippin to sit down in the white armchair next to where Faramir was seated. "Aside from what I called you here for."

"Anything."

"Don't let all that has happened change who you are. These are hard times but don't let them harden you, your whole life has changed but don't let it change who you are. If you give it time you will land on your feet again, with or without Meriadoc. Nothing would grieve me more than seeing you land as another Hobbit."

"It's hard not to let it change you" Pippin said and sighed. "How do you stay the same after all that I've been through?"

"By looking to yourself to get through the hardships" Faramir said. "You know you have the strength to handle this. Don't let it beat you."

"What if I want to change?" Pippin asked. "Or rather, what if I want to stay the person I became while he was gone?"

"Do you remember when he disappeared?" Faramir asked, hoping to make Pippin think back to who he was.

"How could I ever forget?"

"I know I'll never forget it" Faramir said. "I remember when I handed you his backpack and gave you the news that we believed him to be dead. Your cry of pain was unlike anything I had ever heard before. And I remember how you were shaking, I stayed with you and your friends for fifteen minutes and you couldn't stop shaking. You said you were cold."

"I don't remember that part" Pippin said and shrugged a shoulder.

"I remember the look that would appear on your face whenever someone called you _Master Holdwine_ by mistake. I remember very vividly the look on your face when you and my wife returned from having searched for Merry. Oddly enough though, what I remember most vividly of all are the moments when you smiled or joked or seemed to almost have forgotten what had happened to Merry. I cannot tell you how comforted I was by those moments. I knew then that you would always be the same Pippin, that your spirit had not died when your friend did. Don't let it die now when he has turned out to be alive."

Pippin felt a tear fall down his cheek. Even back then Faramir had known that Pippin was worth something even without Merry, that he was still himself without his cousin. There was at least someone who had seen him for who he really was and not just as a part of a duo. He could not imagine being anything but completely loyal to this man who seemed to see him for who he really was, better than anyone else had.

"As difficult as it is," he said, "I want to tell you what is going on behind your back right now."

Faramir shook his head.

"Don't. Don't get any further involved than you already are."

Pippin got up on his feet and on an impulse gave Faramir a big hug. The man laughed at the unexpected gesture and tousled Pippin's curls. There was an understanding between them which had not changed over the years and Pippin found it more comforting than anything else since he had returned to Gondor.

**XX  
XX**

"You must do one more thing for me" Merry said and placed a hand on Éowyn's. "If you cannot accept how I feel about you then you must at least do one other thing for me. You owe me that much, wouldn't you say?"

"What do you want me to do?" Éowyn asked meekly.

"Forgive yourself for whatever went down all those years ago. You wouldn't have found me Éowyn, no matter when you rode out."

Éowyn was tempted to smile. Wasn't that what Pippin had said to her too?

"What you don't see Merry is that it's not about whether or not I would have found you" she said.

"Oh? I thought you just said that it was."

"It's about the reasons why I didn't try to find you. I was so scared… Nothing excuses how little I did for you all those years ago and it makes me even less deserving of your love and affection. I can never forgive myself for what happened."

"Not even for me? Whatever it was I'm sure I wouldn't have minded. I'm sure that the person I was then understood and forgave you."

"You wouldn't have forgiven me this" she said and sighed.

"But I'm asking you now to forgive yourself" Merry said. "You need to put it out of your mind, my sweet."

"I know that it does me no good to think back on it… It's not easy to remember… but even harder to forget. If you only knew… you wouldn't be so quick to forgive me."

"Éowyn I just confessed my love for you" Merry said. "And love forgives everything. Yet love aside I would have forgiven you for look what I have done to you now! I know I shouldn't have said anything about my feelings; I've put you in the most awkward position. I will keep my distance from now on, that I promise you!"

"Distance or not you know that I'll be here when you want me to" Éowyn said. "I'll never let you down again."

"Maybe I should go now" Merry said and took a deep breath. "What more can I hope to accomplish here? You know how I feel now. I know you don't return my feelings. I… I knew that was going to be the answer I got, but I still need some time apart from you to heal my broken heart. I cannot believe I was so foolish as to ever fall in love with a princess! A married one at that! I need to go now…"

He left her behind and wrapped his cape closer around him as he tried to find his way out of the gardens. He knew everything was wrecked now. She knew how he felt and they would never look at each other again without having that hanging between them. The innocence of their relationship to one another was gone. All that was left for him to do was to lick his wounds and go back to the Shire.

"Merry!"

Éowyn's voice was breathless; he could tell she had run to catch up with him. He looked at her and wished she hadn't, she was so beautiful in her upset state and it hurt him very much to know with full certainty that he would never have her. He wondered what she wanted, why she had run after him.

"Don't you know I feel the same?" she said.

It took him a second to understand what she had said. Then it all hit him at once. Memories came back to him and each one hurt more than the next. They had been here before. They had had this conversation before, in these gardens. On the day he disappeared he had confessed his love for her and she had denied him, just like she had denied him today, just like she always would deny him. Upset by the realisation that she knew he loved her but she would never be his, and that he would have to live with that and face her time and time again knowing that, Merry had ridden out of the city to get away from it all. And he had indeed gotten away from it all; he had left the city not to return for twelve years. All he had wanted to do that day was to forget that he ever knew Éowyn and that he had ever had that conversation. He had partly gotten his wish but it had only brought him back to square one again.

But the worst part was what she had just told him. She felt the same. He could see it in her eyes now and oddly enough he longed back to when he hadn't been able to. He understood what she hadn't thought he would be able to forgive. The first time around she had not told him that she loved him too and when he had disappeared she had been too afraid to go and find him. He didn't know what to do with that information.

Éowyn saw his insecurity and how painful it was for him to hear what she had just told him. Yet she was glad she had told him. The last time she had chosen another path, and ever since that day she had wished she could get a chance to do it all over again. Now the chance had arrived and she had nearly been too cowardly to let it pass her by.

"I never told you…" she said, "because I thought it was better you didn't know. For I love my husband too. And I can never leave him."

"I understand" Merry said with a slow nod. "You love him, you loved him when you were wed and you feel the same still. I know."

"To love you is wrong, I'm sorry but that's the truth" Éowyn said. "He deserves better than that. I can never leave him, not for anything or anyone. That's just who I am."

"I know that too" Merry said slowly. "I could never change you, and if I could I wouldn't, for then you wouldn't be the one I love. I'm sorry that I brought this up again and ruined everything. We had been given a second chance, a chance to make it right with our friendship, and I ruined it."

She shook her head no but he didn't take it in. Looking at her he realised that it was the last time he ever would lay his eyes on her. They would never meet again. And for as long as he lived he would remember her this way, in the frosty January gardens, clad in her white gown and coat and her breath as white as the snow on the ground. It was a lovely picture and he would keep it with him forever.

Without saying anything else he walked away from her. He felt like he would be sick. There were some things which were best left forgotten but he now remembered their last confrontation. That time he had wished he could forget about it forever, now he had two such confrontations to remember. He didn't know how he would be able to look Faramir in the eye again, or anybody else he knew for that matter. He wished he could disappear again, no matter who would be hurt if that happened.

He was so caught up in his own thoughts that he nearly collided with Pippin when he came around a corner. The other Hobbit gave him a look and backed away a bit and Merry wondered if he had scared him.

"Oh, sorry!" he said and tried to smile. "I didn't see you there."

"Hard to see anything when you're walking through the bushes" Pippin remarked with a frown. "What are you doing walking about in the gardens, I thought you didn't like going into them?"

"I just parted with the lady Éowyn; we took a walk through the gardens while we talked."

Pippin looked Merry up and down. He got a horrible sense of déjà vu. There was something about the words that were said and the look on his cousin's face. Merry was going away again.

"You're leaving" Pippin said matter-of-factly, and his cousin nodded. "Then I'm leaving with you. We'll both go away. Together this time."

Merry nodded, not in the mood for a discussion.

"Okay."

Suddenly the sight of Pippin made Merry feel grateful, but to what or whom he didn't know. All he knew was that it felt good not to be alone, he would go back to the Shire and Pippin would keep him company. He gave his cousin a spontaneous hug and told him he wanted to leave right away.

Pippin nodded. He had figured that much out already. He couldn't shake the feeling that he had been given a second chance at what happened the day Merry left, and this time he might have done it right.


	38. One Horse

**Realms of Gondor, February of 1439**

Pippin cast a sideways glance at Merry as they galloped across the plains. A few days had gone by now since they left Ithilien in a hurry, left for the Shire Pippin had thought. Merry was however going in the wrong direction but he seemed so sure of where he was headed that Pippin hadn't questioned the choice of direction nor the pace. Merry kept his pony in a gallop for as long as the animal had the strength to run; it was as if he was in a great hurry to be somewhere. Or as if he wanted to create as big a distance between himself and Ithilien as possible. Though Pippin longed to go back home he was not in a big enough hurry to point out to Merry that they were headed the wrong way. Still he couldn't figure out why Merry couldn't ride in the same pace but in the right direction.

Very little was said between them. Merry didn't want to talk about what had happened and Pippin didn't want to ask. During the first hours Pippin had gotten the feeling that Merry was glad that he was with him but that feeling had been replaced by one of feeling like he was in the way. But he was not about to leave Merry now and head back home, not when his cousin was acting this way. He had a strong feeling that if he let his cousin out of sight Merry might disappear again and that was not something Pippin was about to accept. He would not allow his cousin to run away from his problems that way.

The odd thing was that Merry seemed to know where he was going. Every now and then he halted his pony and took a good look around before deciding on what course to take. It bewildered Pippin but he chose to keep quiet for now. Something told him that if he were to ask, Merry wouldn't give him a satisfying answer. He probably wouldn't give him any answer at all. Whatever was going on, Merry obviously preferred to keep it all to himself, at least for the time being.

One afternoon Merry slowed his pony down to a walk and got a look of determination on his face. He steered his animal towards a certain goal and Pippin had no choice but to follow. By the time the sun was setting and it was time to make camp they reached a campsite populated by the same tiny creatures that they had encountered on their way to Ithilien. It even seemed to be the same group, even though Pippin could have sworn this was not the same campsite as before. How Merry had been able to find them Pippin would never know.

The old woman from before came up to them and Merry said something to her in a language that Pippin didn't understand. The two debated for a while and then Merry turned to Pippin and dismounted his pony.

"They will let you stay for the night" he said. "I gave them my word that you would never breathe a single syllable about them, not to any living soul."

"Even if I wanted to no one would believe me" Pippin muttered and got down on the ground, wondering if he even wanted to spend the night with them. All of his instincts told him it would be a bad idea.

**XX  
XX**

That evening turned out to be the queerest in all of Pippin's life. The tiny figures, Merry called them fingots, made a fire and served the Hobbits food. They were all very quiet and seemed wary of Pippin but comfortable around Merry. Pippin had never heard anything about these creatures before; they were not in any stories. It was as if they had just appeared out of nowhere. Pippin found himself very uncomfortable in their presence.

The old woman sat by Merry's side as they ate and spoke with him in her own language. Pippin felt isolated and secluded; there was nobody around who seemed to be willing to speak with him. He longed for when the night would be over and they could leave. He wondered why Merry had brought them here.

"Do they speak the Common Tongue?" Pippin had to ask Merry after a while, feeling he would go crazy if no one said something he could understand.

"No, only their leader does."

The old woman looked at Pippin and said something to Merry. They seemed to debate for a while and then they began speaking in the language Pippin knew. Pippin guessed they had been discussing whether or not they should allow Pippin to understand what they were saying.

"Now you have completed your unfinished task" Glagah said to Merry in the Common Tongue. "Is it so, Kali?"

"I thought I had" Merry said with a hesitant look at Pippin. "Though as it turns out, it was not an unfinished task but something which should have never come to be in the first place. I've put myself right back to square one."

Pippin concentrated on his food and wished he hadn't asked for someone to speak in the Common Tongue. He would rather not listen in on this particular conversation. It was odd enough to hear Merry being called by another name, getting insight on some of his private thoughts made Pippin very uncomfortable. He was not used to finding out Merry's secrets through someone else.

"Him…" Glagah said and pointed at Pippin.

Pippin looked up from his supper with large confused eyes. He wondered what he had done to make the old woman point her finger at him and have something specific to say. He glanced at Merry for some idea but his cousin didn't return the look.

"He is your friend, yes?" Glagah said to Merry.

"Yes but things are different now" Merry told her in her language and filled his mouth with food to avoid being asked to say anything else.

"Yes…" Glagah said in the Common Tongue and looked at Pippin again. "You no longer ride on one horse."

She got up and left the two cousins alone. Pippin watched her go and then leaned over and lowered his voice to speak with Merry.

"What was that now?"

Merry was quiet for a while before he answered.

"She means that our lives no longer follow the same path. We used to be unified, as if we rode on the same horse and had no interest in going in different directions. Now we ride separate horses and can go wherever we choose."

Pippin nodded slowly and finished his meal. He had thought the comment referred to Éowyn, who literally used to ride the same horse as Merry. But nothing seemed to be able to make Merry speak of Éowyn or his feelings for her anymore and the old woman must surely know it. How the she had known that Pippin and Merry had been close in the past was a mystery to Pippin at first, then he figured Merry must have explained everything to her while they were eating. But it gave him an odd feeling which he couldn't shake, and he wished the night would be over soon so they could leave.

**XX  
XX**

Glagah joined Merry by the camp fire later that evening. Pippin was asleep not far from the fireplace, curled up on his left side with his backpack as a pillow and his cape as a blanket. Most of the fingots had gone to rest as well, but Merry could not sleep. He had too much to think about. He had glanced over at the two ponies grazing nearby several times and tried to come to terms with the tough decision he had made.

"You have come back to us for good" Glagah said, in a tone which made it either a question or a statement. Merry couldn't tell which. "You no longer belong to the other world. You won't go back there."

"I cannot go back" Merry said. "There are too many people I cannot face. I was happy living here, with no memories I was still content with my life and I wasn't when I lived among the people I originally belonged with. That ought to be a sign as clear as any that life will be better for me here."

"You know now what caused you to lose your memory" Glagah said matter-of-factly. "There was something that was too difficult for you to remember and the trauma you went through made you forget it. Only you forgot everything else along with it."

"Almost everything else."

"It was easier for you not to remember anything at all than to remember what had happened."

"I threw away friendship and fidelity… For the rest of my life I would be forced to serve people I had betrayed. I could not escape. And all that waited for me at home was someone I had promised to marry but could not give my heart to. I remember now. Since I went out riding again my memories have begun to return to me, one after the other. And I cannot face now what I couldn't face then. Especially not since things are much worse this time around."

"When you left us that day to go hunting and you never returned I assumed you had found your own kind again" Glagah said. "Judging from what you've told me you hit your head and it caused you to forget everything again. Only this time the one thing you remembered was the one thing you had been trying so hard to forget. The reason you never remembered anything when you were with us was that your mind was fighting for all its worth to forget the truth that was too difficult for you. You denied that it existed. The price you paid for that was to forget everything else and then in the end the tables turned on you and you only remember a shred of the very thing you wanted to forget."

"Éowyn" Merry mumbled.

"All the years you lived with us you remembered someone you couldn't let go of, then you forgot that person and remembered the one you wished to forget. Now you are back with us and you are ready to live here for good" Glagah said. "There can be no more returning to your own kind. If you do go back to them you cannot come to us again. You have to make the choice now."

"I made the choice already" Merry said. "I am here and I will stay here. I belonged with them once but not anymore."

Glagah cast a glance at the sleeping Hobbit five yards from the fire.

"And your friend?"

"My friend will go on tomorrow without me."

"You will never see him again. The one thing you could never forget was a friend and he is sleeping here within your reach. Tomorrow when you wake up he will be gone forever. Can you let go?"

"Absolutely."

"And you are aware of what that means?" Glagah said. "He will be as dead to you. You will never see his face or hear his voice again."

"My memories of him have begun to come back as well, but slowly. Only a shred here or there. He was my good friend once but times have changed and so have we. What you said about us no longer riding the same horse was true. We struggle to get along, to be friends, but what we really want is to break free. It's so hard to marry the memories of him that are coming back to me with the way we are to each other now. Too hard. It is time for us both to cut our losses. It is better for us both if he rides off tomorrow and never looks back."

"You are willing to give him up to protect yourself from the hardships that a life in his world would bring you?"

"Glagah I have confessed love for someone who should never have heard it… I know you don't feel love the way we do and so you cannot fully understand it, but I gave her my heart and she… she could not give it back to me but she couldn't keep it either. She broke it. And though I already knew she would I…" He sighed and tried to find the words. "I know it seems to you like I am running but I'm not. Life is too complicated in that world. I love someone who loves me in return but loves her husband more. I can never look her in the eye again, nor her husband. And everyone I know will wonder why. Back in the Shire, the place where I come from, I am expected to rule a group of my own people but the truth is I'm not the best person to do the job. My cousin ruled in my stead and he deserves to continue to do so but that can't happen so long as I'm there. I have promised someone that I will marry them but the truth is I love someone else and can never be happy with my fiancée, nor can I ever make her happy with me. If I stay here I will be accepted, I will be at home. All the friends I have forgotten about will no longer be a burden or a problem. I have come to love this simple life and I don't want to live any other way."

"And the friend you could not forget?" Glagah said with a nod in Pippin's direction. "He will be the price you pay for staying with us."

"His horse is headed in a different direction than mine" Merry said and stared into the fire. He didn't want to discuss the matter any further.

Glagah cast another glance at Pippin. It was interesting to finally get a face and a name to the person their Kali had never been able to forget. It was obvious to Glagah that the two had been close in the past, closer than she had ever been to anyone in her life. But the closeness was gone. Glagah only wondered if there was enough of it left to make her taller friend miserable. If he had been able to forget all other things but the friend who was with him now, would he ever be able to set him completely aside and be happy with his life without him?

"When he leaves tomorrow he will be gone for good" Glagah said. "He is never to return and you are never to leave."

"I wish he had left already" Merry said truthfully.

Glagah nodded slowly. It was clear. He had made his choice. She rose to get to bed and gave the Hobbit a comforting pat on the shoulder. This would be his last night of wondering. Tomorrow all the decisions would have been made.

**XX  
XX**

Pippin shivered in the cold and tried not to wake anybody up. He had said to Merry last night that they would ride at dawn and Merry had nodded and said everything would be ready by then. The fingots would not be awake, which to Pippin was an added perk. The less interaction he had with them the better.

It was only the first days of February and very cold. Pippin could see his own breath and the ground was covered with frost. He pulled his mittens on and rubbed his arms to keep warm. The fire had gone out.

Merry had meant what he said about everything being ready. Pippin walked over to his pony which had been made ready for the journey before Pippin had woken up. The pony was saddled up and ready to go, tied to a small pole in the ground. Merry's pony was still grazing nearby. Only one horse was going to leave the campsite this morning.

Pippin swallowed hard and untied the pony. Somewhere in the back of his head he had known this before he went to bed the night before. Merry was not coming with him, he had never had any intentions of leaving. Pippin's horse was returning to the Shire, Merry's was staying behind.

Forcing himself not to think about it Pippin got up in the saddle and grabbed a firm hold of the reins. He wished Merry had at least had the decency of getting up to say goodbye but in the end maybe it was better this way. What did they have left to say to one another anyway?

He couldn't help but wonder what he would tell everyone when he returned. That Merry was gone again? He couldn't in good conscience let people believe that Merry was dead when he knew for a fact that his cousin lived on, yet he had promised not to say a word about the fingots. It was the second hard dilemma Merry had placed him in within two weeks.

"Pippin wait!"

A hand grabbed a hold of the reins just as Pippin was about to leave. Pippin stared at Merry as if he had seen a ghost. He had not heard him get up.

"You don't have to come and say goodbye" Pippin said. "Let me ride off without anything being said… Perhaps it is easier that way. Either way I don't have the first clue what to say to you and I've already said goodbye to you for real once."

"Don't leave without me!"

"What?"

"I never saw, I never understood before, what this friendship means to you" Merry said and placed his hand over Pippin's. "A sense of security, a sense of belonging. Being so comfortable around another person that their mere presence makes you feel at home. Everything you once believed about us must be true for otherwise why would I feel this so strong even when I don't know who you are?"

"But what does that have to do with you coming with me?"

"All I want to do is to leave my troubles and sorrows behind, forget about the complicated life I am expected to lead in the place where I'm claimed to belong… There is only one thing stopping me. I cannot let you ride out of my life. You must take me with you! I was telling you the truth that time when I said I would remember you if all other things were forgotten, all those years I spent with the fingots I knew who you were! I remembered you, not Éowyn, but I was unable to find you. If I let you leave now I will never see you again, you and I both know that. And the fact is, I need to see you again. The cost of saying farewell to my troubles forever would be saying farewell to the friendship we lost and I cannot pay that price. So please. Let me come with you."

"Where is your pony?" Pippin asked, unable to think of anything else to say.

"I was hoping we could leave him behind…"

Merry reached up a hand to Pippin who took it with confusion and helped Merry up on the pony. He now noticed that Merry had his backpack and most of his belongings strapped on his back and was indeed ready to leave. Merry grabbed a hold of Pippin's cape and leaned closer to speak directly into Pippin's ear.

"We can ride on one horse again" he said.

"Are you sure about this?"

"Absolutely sure."

"What about these… fingots?"

"They will understand. Glagah already does. She knew last night that I would leave for good. There is no need to say goodbye to them."

Pippin nodded slowly and drove his pony to a trot. He didn't feel the slightest urge to look back as they left the fingot camp behind them. Merry had chosen the difficult path, and the reason was that he hadn't been willing to give up their friendship for good. Pippin was starting to feel like he was back with the old Merry again.

"By the way, do you still have that goldish-brown coat you borrowed from me?" Merry asked.

Pippin turned his head and looked at his grinning cousin. Pippin had borrowed that coat two weeks before Merry had disappeared.

"I think we buried it" he told his cousin.

"That's just wonderful. You owe me a new coat."

Pippin couldn't help but laugh when he received a playful boxing on the arm. He drove the pony to a gallop and longed to get back home. He knew they had a tough time ahead of them but that didn't matter much to either one of them at the moment. There were a lot of adjustments to be made once they reached the Shire but at least they were travelling there on one horse.

**XXX  
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I know it's been ages since I last updated. Sorry! I've just been so busy lately that I haven't had the time.

One more chapter and then it's over! I'm glad you've been with me this far.


	39. Someone Sent Reprise

**A fingot campsite, April of 1426**

Merry moved the flap which served as the opening for his tent aside and stepped out into the warm spring night. He had been awoken by the sounds of voices by the fireplace and his curiosity had gotten the best of him. He wondered if the fingots were in the middle of one of their magic rituals. He had always wanted to observe or even partake in them but Glagah blankly refused.

He walked over to the group of five fingots who were staring into the fire, talking in their own language. The group quieted as soon as they saw him and everybody left except for Glagah. She was clearly displeased by his presence but Merry ignored her look and sat down next to her.

"Tell me about your magic ritual" he said.

Glagah looked at him for a long time, as if evaluating him. Then she lifted up a bowl and held it to her chest.

"The fire you are looking at is no ordinary fire" she said. "On this day every year we celebrate a special ceremony and those who have special hopes or wishes sacrifice something or send something to help their situation or someone they care about. Come; sit closer by the fire…"

Merry did as she had asked and felt a sting of excitement.

"Kali perhaps you need this ceremony more than any of us…" she said. "Your mind can find no peace as long as it worries for that friend you always speak of."

"Whoever that friend is, I am sure he or she misses me and believes me to be dead" Merry said with sorrow in his voice. "And it does pain me to no end that I have no means of letting them know I am okay, and that there is nothing I can do to ease their pain."

"Choose an item" Glagah said and reached out the bowl to Merry. "Choose something and throw it into the fire. You will send whatever you have chosen to your friend and that will help ease their burden."

Merry looked into the bowl and marvelled at all the items in it. Some where worth absolutely nothing to Merry's people, others were far more valuable than Merry could ever imagine. The fingots had no such sense of value; to them all objects were worth nothing or everything.

He picked out something and held it in his hand for a moment. Then he thought intensely of that person he missed and threw the object in the fire. Glagah leaned over and looked at it, nodding approvingly.

"You picked a solid item" she said. "Something which will not break so easily, something which is hard yet fair and will last. A good support for anyone."

"I know" Merry said with a nod. "That's why I chose it."

"What do they call it in your language?"

"Diamond" Merry said.

**XXX  
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Thank you for being with me until the end! This is the conclusion of this series. I hope to see you again in the appendix.


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